Daughter seems to have lost interest

[Sallysue1]

Hi, all advice appreciated.
After a year of loaning a pony , we took the plunge of buying one for our daughter last January. He is an absolute dream a good to do in all ways.
However, our 15 year old daughter appears to be lacking in full commitment . She’s more than happy to leave lots of the jobs to us and my husband keeps doing them despite me trying to urge him to ensure she takes more responsibility . She doesn’t keep track of when needs new hay bales/ feed etc or when he needs new shoes etc and expects us to have done all the arranging for this ( we are on a livery yard where the farrier comes once a week). I can only get to the yard at weekends and my husband takes daughter in the week. She was complaining yesterday that she wouldn’t be able to hack him as his shoes weren’t done as I hadn’t sorted it out with the yard manager! She rides several times a week but social life and other things always seem to take priority. The other teenagers at the yard of similar age , appear to show much more commitment and ‘drive’. She appears to have no goals with the pony at all other than wanting to ride now and again which she does seem to enjoy. She appears very aloof and anti social at the yard too and to me it appears rude to others.
To be honest, she is also like this in all other areas of her life currently. She appears to be going through a really disrespectful phase and lacks any enthusiasm for anything .

we had words last night due to all of the above and I really feel we should sell the pony. I know he would be so much more appreciated by someone else who would do much more with him as he is capable of a lot. However, as you can imagine, the prospect of selling him has just caused yet more upset at home and more anger towards me.

am I expecting too much?

 

[stangs]

If she's lost interest in everything, not just horses, then I'd be worried something else is going on in her personal or school life.

 

[Sallysue1]

If she's lost interest in everything, not just horses, then I'd be worried something else is going on in her personal or school life.

If she's lost interest in everything, not just horses, then I'd be worried something else is going on in her personal or school life.

well, I perhaps haven’t worded it well. She’s very interested in her appearance and clothes. But nothing aspirational or focussed if that makes sense.

 

[AmyMay]

I don’t see anything wrong with you being more actively involved with organising the day to day needs of the horse - as part of an ongoing conversation around his requirements. Shoes are easy - you have a booking every five weeks (made each time horse is shod). We’d all like to think our teenagers are organised and confident enough to do some of the things we expect of them. The reality is often different. Be involved as a family. But also ask her if she is feeling like she would like a break from horse ownership.

 

[Sallysue1]

Thank you……
I don’t think it helps that it isn’t really me that takes her to the yard. It’s more my husband and I manage to get there maybe once or possibly twice at the weekend.
however he’s not the best at organising things either!

 

[SO1]

Maybe a share would work with a teenager who is more committed and can help with some of the equine admin of checking enough hay etc so your daughter rides a couple of times a week and another person a few times a week with a view to possibly selling the pony is a years time so it is a gradual weaning off the pony rather than a short sharp parting.

 

[milliepops]

My parents would have insisted my pony was sold at this age, if i had stopped taking responsibility for him... but then, it was made abundantly clear that i was 100% responsible for all of his care at the point they agreed that i could have a horse. they barely know one end of a horse from the other so they were not going to get involved other than make sure i could be at the yard when i needed to .

So i knew what the score was and acted accordingly. it sound like you and your husband need to decide what you are prepared to help with and what is her job wrt this horse, and then the 3 of you need a discussion about who is in charge of what element of his care, and then stick to it. you and he need to be a united front otherwise she won't know what the boundaries are.

i agree a share might help plug some gaps.

 

[SO1]

She is 15 there are going to be exams and possibly boys coming on to the scene.

I think it is good for young people to have some responsibility but at the same I think being a teenager is the time to have a bit of freedom. There is a lot of pressure from school and peers at that age and perhaps having a sharer means she keeps the pony and has riding and the yard as an outlet but still has time to do other persuits as will your husband and you.

 

[Sallysue1]

Yes I agree. Neither my husband nor I have much of an idea about horses but we've learnt along the way. Husband is much more lenient than me though and does alot more in terms of 'practical jobs' . He won't actually go near the pony though as he is scared! im at the yard far less due to work commitments but i do a bit more with the pony eg sometimes bring him in from the field etc if daughter cant due to illness etc .

i think also one of the problems as that husband doesn't see the issue in the same way as i do though either.

it just frustrates me that she doesn't show more passion. There is never a thank you either.

 

[Sallysue1]

Whilst I think sharing is a really really good idea, I don’t think she’ll be happy with that option. I don’t think she’ll like that idea of someone else riding him.

 

[milliepops]

it's really tricky. i used to help a family where the mother was keen and the teen was not, she only really continued riding because her mum did all the chores. I had really mixed feelings about that but then my opinions are shaped by having little to no help from my parents at all.
I really wanted my horse so did it all willingly.
I understand that teenagers have lots of other competing priorities but i don't think it's unrealistic to understand that a horse is a huge commitment in terms of time and also £. (who pays for this horse btw?) so one approach would be to be slightly harder on her in terms of - if you like riding and want to keep the horse for yourself, then you have to step up and take the responsibility for his care. another approach would be, if you want us to keep the horse and don't want to make the sacrifices to look after him fully, then there will be a share because someone has to fill in the gap. them's the options.....?

a 15yo is presumably mature enough to understand that sometimes life is about tough choices? I'm not a parent, only reflecting on my own experience

 

[Sallysue1]

Thank you …..

Yes we pay for all of it. I have a really high pressured job too.

daughter currently doesn’t have a job but she’d find it difficult to fit one in with the school commitments too really.

Unfortunately she’s not the greatest at jobs around the house either. She’s extremely untidy and last minute.com. Academically very capable but puts in the bare minimum and gets high grades! But the disrespect is the real deal breaker and the general level of ‘expectation’ she has is quite upsetting to me personally.

just really wish we could turn back the clock and have stayed with the loan horse instead !! ?

 

[HappyHollyDays]

Lack of drive, commitment and passion would have had me selling the pony long ago. Those are not things you can instil, they have to come from within.

 

[Sallysue1]

Yes, problem is that there is a distinct lack of drive in anything at all ?

 

[SO1]

She can't have everything at this age she should be able to understand logic. 5 options.

Option 1.
She is responsible for pony care. Lists of jobs she is responsible for in return for you paying for pony.
Option 2
Get a sharer she is only responsible for pony care on her days. Sharer responsible for checking enough supplies, shoes etc and reporting to you. If pony a larger pony you may get an adult sharer.
Option 3
Daughter gets part time job and pays for assistance on those days
Option 4
Pony goes on to part livery if you can afford it and daughter just goes when she feels like it but at least 3 times a week so pony gets enough exercise
Option 5
Sell pony.

Whilst I think sharing is a really really good idea, I don’t think she’ll be happy with that option. I don’t think she’ll like that idea of someone else riding him.

 

[meleeka]

I was 15 once and lost count of the number of times my mum threatened to sell my pony. I’d say if you are going to suggest/threaten it at least give her something she can improve on to make it not happen. For example there’s no point in saying “I’m selling the pony because you are rude”. She’s 15 and won’t be able to see that. Saying “I’m selling the pony because you need to be more responsible” won’t help either if you are still doing everything for her. You have to have clear rules that she’ll be able to stick by.

I’d also say, before being too hasty, my pony kept me out of a whole load of trouble when I was young. I couldn’t go off the rails too much because I always had to go and do the pony. It did curb my social life a bit, but looking back that was actually a blessing!

She won’t always be 15. She’ll grow up and be a much nicer person. I was an awful teen but came good in the end

 

[Starzaan]

Hi, all advice appreciated.
After a year of loaning a pony , we took the plunge of buying one for our daughter last January. He is an absolute dream a good to do in all ways.
However, our 15 year old daughter appears to be lacking in full commitment . She’s more than happy to leave lots of the jobs to us and my husband keeps doing them despite me trying to urge him to ensure she takes more responsibility . She doesn’t keep track of when needs new hay bales/ feed etc or when he needs new shoes etc and expects us to have done all the arranging for this ( we are on a livery yard where the farrier comes once a week). I can only get to the yard at weekends and my husband takes daughter in the week. She was complaining yesterday that she wouldn’t be able to hack him as his shoes weren’t done as I hadn’t sorted it out with the yard manager! She rides several times a week but social life and other things always seem to take priority. The other teenagers at the yard of similar age , appear to show much more commitment and ‘drive’. She appears to have no goals with the pony at all other than wanting to ride now and again which she does seem to enjoy. She appears very aloof and anti social at the yard too and to me it appears rude to others.
To be honest, she is also like this in all other areas of her life currently. She appears to be going through a really disrespectful phase and lacks any enthusiasm for anything .

we had words last night due to all of the above and I really feel we should sell the pony. I know he would be so much more appreciated by someone else who would do much more with him as he is capable of a lot. However, as you can imagine, the prospect of selling him has just caused yet more upset at home and more anger towards me.

am I expecting too much?

Ok I might be in the minority, but my mother scared me straight when I was 14. I refused to muck out my pony one day. So she sent him to a neighbouring farm and hid him for six weeks. She told me he had been sold because I clearly didn't care about him.

I had to earn him back, and my god did I work hard. I never, ever refused to look after him ever again and am SO grateful for that lesson.

 

[Red-1]

My mum would have sold the pony, had I shown such disregard. Maybe she needs help with booking shoes and buying hay, but her social life taking precedence would be the clincher.

Maybe she would rather go back to the loan horse too? I presume you are really talking about a share, where the owner took some of the burden?

maybe she would like more time for her social life?

 

[PurBee]

The hoops i had to go through to prove to parents i was capable of being responsible because i desperately wanted a pony.

Age 12-15 it ended up with me looking after 7 dogs, 5 cats, chickens, ducks and geese, tidying the whole house, laundry, ironing and preparing food for 9 person family, help run the b&b business, gardening, paper-round aswell as carve some time out to do actual school work i should have been doing.
No pony ever transpired. I realised later it was because i’d spend all my spare time with a pony and no longer have time to continue domestic slavery. I was done with being cinderella and left.

Your daughter doesnt know how lucky she is. As said already, passion and drive comes from within.
Actions speak louder than words.
Evidently she wants everyone to do the work of the reality of caring for a pony, while she enjoy the benefits of getting to ride when she feels like it.
It sounds harsh, but this isnt her ignoring a pair of rolling skates in the corner of the room, its an expensive and time-costly sentient creature.
As kids we recall we have whims, and interests that come and go. You’ve given her the chance to show her dedication, seriousness, and right now, teenage years of angst are the trickiest sometimes. If vanity is apexing boys are next to figure out! Lots to be concerned about at that age. An age where we’re discovering the world, and want it all.….full of ideas of what to be/do/have/enjoy etc.

Taking the pony out of the equation might ultimately help as it’ll certainly reduce the pressure of the family arguments and money/time pressure on you and your husband. She might not like it at first, but she will undoubtedly prefer you 2 to not keep on at her about the pony, and she can always still ride at a RS to get her horse fix when that’s wanted.

When older, if horses become serious again, she can embark on it…as passion for something means we do whatever is necessary happily, to achieve.

Good luck!

 

[JackFrost]

Your daughter is learning lots :
- that it pays to be lazy
-other peoples lives don't matter
- responsibility for animals is optional
- it's ok to be rude
- aimlessness and lack of commitment are fine, others will deal with the consequences
- her own parents make a great maid and chauffer
and so on...

Give her a month to show she is 100% commited, and clear rules on what this means. Then sell if she doesn't deliver.
Tough love, but the lessons she is currently learning are not good ones to take her through life.

 

[oldie48]

It's a long time since my daughter was riding but when she was 15 and older I did all the organisation because she had a very busy life. She did sometimes take advantage of me and on occasions I was quite cross with her but I think that's part and parcel of having teenage children. In your shoes, I'd be having a heart to heart with her, not in a "if you don't do this or that, the pony goes" sort of way more a "how's life going?" sort of way. I spent a lot of time with my daughter, despite working full time, taking her to rallies and comps, hacking out with her, sitting cleaning tack while we watched rubbish TV etc and I never regret a moment as we talked a lot and got to understand what made each of us tick. I'm not sure that any teenager feels grateful for what they are given, it's just the norm for them but my daughter certainly became more appreciative as she got older. Good luck

 

[Equi]

Actions and consequences. I think you need to talk to the husband first and get on the same page and what your expectations and realistic consequences will be.

 

[Ample Prosecco]

I have no idea how these conversations are playing out in your family, but a common problem with many of these situations is that conversations about it tend to be spur of the moment and angry ones: "You're disrespectful and lazy, you don't deserve a pony" type thing.

Also quite often there is a lot of anger but not much in the way of actual consequences. Ie child drags feet, procrastinates and takes forever to do her own jobs and parent shouts at her to get on with it a lots of times but in the end does a lot of it for her.

I would wait till everyone is calm and you have enough time to have a non judgemental but frank conversation.

15 is an age where a lot of children give up becasue social lives become more important, exam pressure ramps up etc. Also mood swings are common and many children struggle to motivate themselves. Plus the adolescent brain in literally developing so fast that empathy is knocked off line for a bit. Adolescents are biologically more self centred than young children. That said, it is up to you to decide what you will help her with and what she needs to do herself.

I'd let her know that you understand that she is under pressure and also that other things are very important to her. BUt also that having a pony is a huge commitment and a huge expense and so it is only possible if she wants it enough to make sacrifices in other areas of her life. Then set out expectations clearly and ask her if she really wants to do it. Then enforce your own rules. Personally I did always sort out farrier/vet etc. And I did the mornings on school days. But my kids did the jobs after school. And if I had finished my own horse and they were wasting time I'd literally just leave and get them to ring me when they were done.

Good luck. If she does decide to give the pony up, try not to frame it as a failure but accept it as a mature decision that you totally understand.

 

[irishdraft]

I have just obtained a project pony for exactly this reason. Several years ago my friends daughter stamped her foot & demanded pony which she got . She did ride and do stuff with him but the dad did all the daily looking after and driving her to lessons etc. As time went on she did less & less but didn't want the animal to be sold although not actually even going to see said pony . Eventually giving up altogether without a back ward glance or word of thanks the Dad has hung on for a couple of years because he was fond of the animal but has now passed him to me. As I'm someone who was only ever allowed a hamster and didn't acquire a horse until I worked and saved to buy one at the age of 21 I'm just flabbergasted at how entitled some children are but of course it's enabled by the parents .No offense OP x

 

[Sallysue1]

thank you all for your replies.
Conversations have been had today and it is clear she still wants the pony etc. She's has also asked to attend two horse events later on in the year..................
She has spent the whole afternoon at the yard today, completed all the jobs and is still there now. She even poo picked the very muddy field!
Let's see how it progresses I guess...............................................

 

[Tiddlypom]

In my book, not interested in horse = horse goes.

I was the horse mad kid who did get to have my own. My non horsey mother looked after her when I was away at school (boarding then weekly boarding) but when I was home I did everything, and willingly.

I wouldn't pussy foot about, she's pulling your strings enough already.

ETA Just seen your update. Keep her at it, no backsliding. Good luck.

 

[Peglo]

At 15 I was saving £1 from my £1.50 dinner money from school to put towards my pony, I was always there to feed at nights and put out in the mornings. (even if I’d been out all night drinking with friends I’d get myself to the stables early to get ponies out and go back to friends to be hungover ?) and my ambition was to leave school and work so I could keep her. (That’s extreme I know but I’m a simplistic lass) boys and parties were important but not more so than the ponies. In fairness my granny sorted hay and farrier for me but my dad told me I couldn’t have a pony and I got one anyway so she was 100% my responsibility. And I accepted and appreciated that.

could you and dad sit her down and explain costs and time your both putting into her hobby and how you want her to start taking more responsibility if she’s to keep her horse. No nagging etc but just be blunt and say now she’s older she needs to step up or make the decision to sell.

ETA just seen your update. Glad the talk went ok!

 

[Sallysue1]

She's definitely interested in the pony and always has been. She is always attentive with feed and keeping him comfortable in the stable etc.

I guess it's just that she doesn't seem to ride as much as she did but perhaps that's also due to the Winter months?

She also said today that she had thought dad liked doing the jobs so maybe we are giving very mixed messages here too!

 

[honetpot]

Hi, all advice appreciated.
After a year of loaning a pony , we took the plunge of buying one for our daughter last January. He is an absolute dream a good to do in all ways.
However, our 15 year old daughter appears to be lacking in full commitment . She’s more than happy to leave lots of the jobs to us and my husband keeps doing them despite me trying to urge him to ensure she takes more responsibility . She doesn’t keep track of when needs new hay bales/ feed etc or when he needs new shoes etc and expects us to have done all the arranging for this ( we are on a livery yard where the farrier comes once a week). I can only get to the yard at weekends and my husband takes daughter in the week. She was complaining yesterday that she wouldn’t be able to hack him as his shoes weren’t done as I hadn’t sorted it out with the yard manager! She rides several times a week but social life and other things always seem to take priority. The other teenagers at the yard of similar age , appear to show much more commitment and ‘drive’. She appears to have no goals with the pony at all other than wanting to ride now and again which she does seem to enjoy. She appears very aloof and anti social at the yard too and to me it appears rude to others.
To be honest, she is also like this in all other areas of her life currently. She appears to be going through a really disrespectful phase and lacks any enthusiasm for anything .

we had words last night due to all of the above and I really feel we should sell the pony. I know he would be so much more appreciated by someone else who would do much more with him as he is capable of a lot. However, as you can imagine, the prospect of selling him has just caused yet more upset at home and more anger towards me.

am I expecting too much?

Welcome to the world of teenage girls. I always say to people come 13/14 it's like they grow an extra head, the child you knew disappears.
To be fair even some adults struggle with the nuts and bolts of horse ownership. I never had my own pony as a child, and when I met people that had, they knew far more than me, rode better than I did, and I just felt one step behind. There is no sin in,'just'wanting to hack, why put your self in a position where you have to compete with others when you are just finding your feet.
My children rode from as soon as they could sit on one, but I went out of my way to make sure having a pony was about enjoying the experience, which could be just a walk around the village. Yard politics are bad enough for adults, when girls where teenagers they kept their ear buds in and got on with the job they were doing, I was glad we were not involved in yard politics, teenage girls and some women are the pits. As my old boss would say, 'this is not a place of amusement'.
She knows when it needs shoeing, when you're running out of fodder, and I used to find it easier to do jobs, muck out etc, rather than sit in the car, while they rode. Do you really want her taking on the responsibility of deciding when to spend money?
It's a difficult time of year to ride, it's cold and wet, and mine really stopped riding after the October half term and started the middle of this month if it was dry.
Both my daughters gave up about seventeen, they had jobs and school, and there just wasn't enough time. As the adult in the relationship you have to be a bit pragmatic.
I would get some schedules and event information and see if there is anything she wants to do, if she is really not that bothered, and sometimes it is hard to prise out what they are bothered about, explain it's an expensive hobby and would the money be better spent on something she really wants to do, it not a punishment, but just a change is priorities and just have the odd lesson.
I think being the mother of a teenage girl, is almost as bad as being a teenager your self, when you are so screwed up and giving your own mother a rough time.

 

[Ample Prosecco]

Good luck! I think if parents are clear about what they expect, things go smoother. I had a few rules: do you own pony being the main one. But also no competing unless the pony was fit enough. Again not angry - just matter of fact: it's not safe and unfair on the pony to compete unless you prepare your pony properly so you'll need to ride regularly if you want to do those events.

A lot of people are talking about the sacrifices they made as kids and I would have been that kid too, though I was never allowed a pony no matter what I would have been prepared to do! And the message seems to be to get rid quite quickly as soon as a child shows a loss of interest or moans about the jobs. Which is fair enough if you aren't particularly bothered if they keep the pony or not. Or especially if you are actively struggling with the cost and commitment yourselves. I was pretty quick to pull the plug on Brownies - far too much volunteering and craft-type requirements for me!

But I would also say that my girls having their ponies has been wonderful for me and for the girls even though we did go through some wobbly patches where they struggled not to moan about the jobs. But having ponies through adolescence kept them on the straight and narrow. So many times they would turn down a party or come home early because they knew they had to get up in the morning. I also think having the ponies was something we bonded over. I loved taking them competing. I think it was good for their emotional health, good for them physically and good for our relationship. I was keen for it to work out and willing to cut them some slack when they struggled. I mean how many threads do we have on here where adults are saying hard it all feels and how they are meh about riding! It is hard, hard work. But has huge rewards too in all sorts of ways.