Daughter seems to have lost interest

[Sallysue1]

thank you soooo much!!
blimey, yes, the mother of a teenage girl is definitely the hardest job I have had yet! not helped when I reflect upon how awful I was at 15 myself.

Yep, that's us. Daughter actually aiming to keep out of things with airpods in, then us pottering about doing things . I go through phases of quite liking the jobs due to them keeping me busy when I am there and definitely thankful that they keep me away from the dreaded adult yard politics- I had never anticipated quite what that would be like!

She actually also said today that one of the reasons she doesn't always ride is that she likes to ride on her own and the arena isn't often free to do that. She does love her hacking!

So maybe we are actually doing ok ??!!

Roll on the summer months.

 

[TGM]

You've had lots of good advice and glad to hear things are improving. One thing I would add, though, is to keep in mind how much having a pony can keep teenagers out of trouble at an age where there are all sorts of temptations and distractions. Just the fact that she has a routine where she has to go and care for the pony regularly means she is less likely to be drawn into undesirable activities. So whilst you are right not to tolerate things like the rudeness, don't be too quick to get rid of the pony, it could be counter productive!

 

[milliepops]

Good luck! I think if parents are clear about what they expect, things go smoother. I had a few rules: do you own pony being the main one. But also no competing unless the pony was fit enough. Again not angry - just matter of fact: it's not safe and unfair on the pony to compete unless you prepare your pony properly so you'll need to ride regularly if you want to do those events.

A lot of people are talking about the sacrifices they made as kids and I would have been that kid too, though I was never allowed a pony no matter what I would have been prepared to do! And the message seems to be to get rid quite quickly as soon as a child shows a loss of interest or moans about the jobs. Which is fair enough if you aren't particularly bothered if they keep the pony or not. Or especially if you are actively struggling with the cost and commitment yourselves. I was pretty quick to pull the plug on Brownies - far too much volunteering and craft-type requirements for me!

But I would also say that my girls having their ponies has been wonderful for me and for the girls even though we did go through some wobbly patches where they struggled not to moan about the jobs. But having ponies through adolescence kept them on the straight and narrow. So many times they would turn down a party or come home early because they knew they had to get up in the morning. I also think having the ponies was something we bonded over. I loved taking them competing. I think it was good for their emotional health, good for them physically and good for our relationship. I was keen for it to work out and willing to cut them some slack when they struggled. I mean how many threads do we have on here where adults are saying hard it all feels and how they are meh about riding! It is hard, hard work. But has huge rewards too in all sorts of ways.

it may be different as you are horsey tho AE.
My parents put a lot more support and encouragement into Brownies, for example! they though that was giving me useful skills etc. Likewise music lessons and even ballet They were financially stretched by my pony and so if there was any faltering on my part it would have suited them better to not have the £ commitment and the tie of an animal they didn't really know much about, and weren't attached to

as it happens i gave everything else up and remained resolutely determined to have the pony, which they have finally come to terms with lolol

 

[Ample Prosecco]

Yes I am clearly biased towards the horses! That said, I have seen some of kids' friends with non horsey parents get rid very quickly. Which did make me sad tbh. I felt that all kids have periods where they struggle with any hobby that requires a lot of commitment and selling on too quickly just felt harsh. Plus at least one of those kids replaced her pony with drugs, alcohol and unsuitable boys!!

I agree it is totally different if the parents actually are struggling to afford it - but I am not getting that impression from the OP.

 

[poiuytrewq]

I’ve not read all replies sorry!
I was the mother of a teenage girl with a horse and I never expected her to remind me of farrier apts or when hay was needed etc. I had my own so that sort of stuff was kept on top of anyway.
She lost interest gradually, I thought at first it was because her older horse could no longer do what she wanted. We had years of arguing about it and eventually I took him on. She got a new one (off her own back) swiftly lost interest in that too.
I tried at first but not for long. He’s on full/permemant loan to my friend. I won’t ever take him back and I won’t allow her to either (although if at any point he’s homeless of course I’ll have him back)
My parents did nothing when I was a teenage owner, other than lifts to and from the yard.
I just think I’d they are really into it they will want to do the chores (I loved it) if not get ride while you can.
She’s old enough to take responsibility with support if it’s something she really wants.
They are too expensive and take too much time and dedication if your hearts not in it.
I still have her old horse. He makes my life difficult but I accept that’s my fault. I should have put a stop to it sooner but I love him to bits so don’t resent that.
Put your foot down now before it’s too late.

 

[pistolpete]

I have seen this on so many yards. Parents taking up so much slack because they don’t want to put their foot down. Drop her off at yard and pick her up two hours later.

 

[Ample Prosecco]

I was also just wondering if the other teens on the yard are excluding her? She might be aloof because people aren’t being very nice and she’s protecting herself? Yards can be horrific and our worst periods of apparent lack of interest coincided with the girls being excluded. And when they did ride they were pulled apart - so not surprisingly lost enthusiasm. Luckily they had each other and when I realised what was happening we started riding much later when the arena was empty. And then left that busy yard for a much quieter one.

Also if she is caring for the pony but not that interested in riding, that is far better than the other way around. Lots of fully committed owners don’t ride much in winter.

 

[Tiddlypom]

WTF?! ??? I feel that this is somewhat of an over reaction. JF's points were pretty valid to be fair, though I would play Devils advocate in that most teenagers are like this ?‍

It's only Dunroamin kicking off under her latest username, SLH. Just ignore.

I'm clearly a tough parent. I wouldn't and didn't pander to teenage mood changes. They were expected to behave and to get on with it, and mostly they did. We were always there for them if they had genuine issues, though, to help them deal with them.

 

[oldie48]

Just reflecting on having the "drugs" talk with my daughter to which she replied by saying if she needed a "high" she could just go cross country. Trouble is, when she did, I often felt the need for something to take the edge off! Not that I did, of course, just settled for a cup of coffee once she and her horse completed and came home safe and sound.

 

[jkitten]

I think you've had some really good advice in terms of the responsibility/chores aspect of it, the importance of taking a balances approach and setting clear expectations, possibly teach her something about time management, etc. I don't have anything to add to that, since I'm not a parent.

However, I do just want to chime in on the 'she doesn't have any ambitions with the pony/want to do more than hack', because I genuinely don't think there's anything wrong with that. If anything, in today's fast-paced world it is healthy to have a hobby that just helps you unwind, rather than add to the pressure. I was once a horse-obsessed girl who stopped riding about your daughter's age, and part of the reason was exactly this. I was at an age where all my peers at the yard were really trying to up their game in terms of competing, etc, and that just never interested me at all. Just to be clear I am not an unambitious person in general, but for me horses were always about the opposite of that, just fun exercise and partnership with the animal. Feeling like that wasn't 'enough' kind of ruined what was one of the great pleasures of my life as a teenager. It wasn't until my mid-30's that I came back to it, largely because I realised I'm an adult now, and I don't have to do anything I don't want to with my free time and energy. So now I share a horse (and will definitely try to buy if at some point that arrangement stops working) who I just do basic flatwork with, pop a few simple jumps for fun, and hack. I love it, and it really helps me unwind from the pressures of work and life. No matter how stressed I feel from work or whatever when I arrive at the yard, I always leave feeling relaxed and clear-headed. This is an extremely valuable thing for anyone to have, and if your daughter is getting something similar out of her 'unambitious' riding, I would strong urge you to consider that worthwhile in and of itself, especially as she is no doubt dealing with a lot of pressure in other areas of her life right now (none of this to say she shouldn't be expected to keep up her end of the chores bargain, I'm purely talking about riding here).

Glad it sounds like you are working things out generally, and best of luck with it all!

 

[Winters100]

15 is a tricky age, but at least as a parent you do have the upper hand.

I would sit her down at the right moment, not when you are feeling angry or irritated, and credit her with the intelligence to understand the situation. Listen to what she finds difficult about this, and give her the options. Explain to her that horse ownership is not for everyone, that there is no shame in selling, and let the decision of sell or not be hers, but be very clear that you will support keeping the pony and pay for the keep only if certain conditions are kept. Horse ownership is a huge responsibility, so I would not present selling the horse as a punishment, but just explain that if you do not want a hobby which comes with such a commitment then there are other ways to ride, for example a share or lessons elsewhere.

Learning to be organised and responsible is something that she has to learn at some point, but in your shoes I would rather give her the tools to do it rather than doing it for her. Explain to her that she needs to set reminders for things like farriers and vaccines, and that at 15 she really is old enough to manage this herself.

Good luck with it. The teenage years are difficult for everyone, but if you can open the lines of communication, give her some clear boundaries while listening to her point of view and making sure that she knows that she is part of the decision making process, then hopefully you will come to an agreement that she can stick to.

 

[scats]

My parents weren’t horsey, but were very supportive. My mum did used to sort the horses feet out for me (well, the farrier used to ring her every 6 weeks to book them in) but the care was completely down to me. I was dropped off and picked up. If I had lost interest, the pony would have gone.
I grew up on a huge yard and stayed there til I was 30, so I saw it all over the years. The kids whose parents did the work for them pretty much all inevitably ended up giving up.

 

[Birker2020]

well, I perhaps haven’t worded it well. She’s very interested in her appearance and clothes. But nothing aspirational or focussed if that makes sense.

I was like that when I had my first horse aged 17. I'd met someone a lot older than me when I worked at their workplace and fallen for them and wanted to spend all my time with them. It just so happened that it coincided with my first horse having been bought for me. She turned out to be a nightmare, rearing, bucking and bolting and Mum and Dad forbade me from riding her as she was so dangerous, so I wasn't interested in her much anyway and had what I felt was valid excuse, she ended up taking a bit of a backseat whilst I spent all the time with the new bloke.

Mum and Dad were furious and we sold her as a brood mare as she was unrideable, she broke an experts ankle when she came out to 'fix her' for us and I didn't have another horse until some years later when I was more mature.

Are you sure your daughter isn't seeing a boy and this is why she is showing disinterest now?

 

[Hallo2012]

we had this issue with SD......

we had lovely easy genuine pony, turn his hoof to anything sort.

at 11/12/13yo she was keen but obviously limited in terms of chores/responsibility-fair enough.

at 14 we started asking her to do more, change rugs, poo pick etc on the days she was with us, help bath the pony, get up and turn out etc (all with help and supervision and the ponies are at home so no issue with travel)

the number of times she forgot, or did half a job or did really silly dangerous things like leaving stable doors and gates open or not fastening rugs before turning out purely because her head and heart weren't in it..... and in addition to this wanting to ride became something she would ask about if she had literally not a thing else to do, and the weather was perfect etc

we had several calm, sit own discussions with her, explained we we couldn't keep a pony for her to ride once a fortnight etc and that she was old enough to start thinking for herself and being more organised (and by that i only mean tidying up, putting things away, locking up, brushing the pony off, remembering to poo pick, remembering to rug up etc.......ALL the actual organizing was still done by me)

long term nothing changed and by 15 it was pretty obvious whilst she loved the pony, she wasn't at all interested in making him a priority.

it was stressing me and OH to death, constantly chasing her, working long hours to pay for a pony she wasn't fussed about etc, and me trimming feet, clipping,cleaning tack and keeping the pony fit and schooled for her.

she showed very minimal interest in his sale, and zero interest in horses since (i do have a youngster she could potter about on if she ever wanted)

if the signs are there id say the writing is on the wall, a calm discussion away from the yard needs to be had. suggest she can have riding lessons whenever she wants if the pony is sold?

ETA-by 15yo i was doing all the organising for a yard of 3 or 4 horses, attending to feed hay bedding needs etc, keeping track of farrier dentist etc, working out fitness plans and schooling exercises, and doing all the clipping, washing, tack etc.
i worked on a SJ yard at weekends, helping break youngsters and riding ponies for clients.

by 15/16 if they want it-they ARE capable of working for it and getting on and doing it.

 

[scats]

ETA-by 15yo i was doing all the organising for a yard of 3 or 4 horses, attending to feed hay bedding needs etc, keeping track of farrier dentist etc, working out fitness plans and schooling exercises, and doing all the clipping, washing, tack etc.
i worked on a SJ yard at weekends, helping break youngsters and riding ponies for clients.

by 15/16 if they want it-they ARE capable of working for it and getting on and doing it.

Agree with this. I was doing my own ponies with no help at the age of 10. I loved every second of it and doing it all on my own was such a big deal for me. I’m always surprised when people say that they have to give their 15-year olds a hand on the yard. By 15 I was breaking and schooling ponies for people and regularly being left to look after several horses on my own, including my own jumping ponies.

 

[Wheresthehoofpick]

Mum of 16 yr and 13 yr old girls here.

I think it has been a really tough couple of years. Things like horses have been a lifesaver when we couldn't do anything else. Right now mine are desperately trying to find their feet , discover a bit of freedom and just remember how to be.

My daughter only wants to pootle in walk on her gorgeous cob but she is out in the fresh air, off her phone and being in the moment. She is poo picking at the weekends and contributing towards shoes with her baby sitting earnings. I do the rest and my friends are having a great time keeping her bombproof horse busy while I ride mine.

As with all things teen - clear expectations (we have to write them down!). Consistency between parents and a lot of wine for you is the answer.