Dealing with a liveries that dont like me/making my life miserable

Fransurrey said:
As suggested, block her on social media, if anyone does try to pass on bitchy comments that they've seen, ask what they're trying to achieve. This is sh*t stirring and they are not being helpful.
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I think I would be inclined to reply to them something along the lines of “maybe you should let the YO know and they can sort this out” and see what they say. Best case scenario they do tell YO and then YO knows what’s going on. Worst case they won’t say anything but will hopefully not come back again to tell you.

Shouting at you on front of children is just not on. If similar occurs I would say something along the lines of “please could you conduct yourself in a more mature manner when around the younger folk and set a decent example to them”

You wouldn’t be in the wrong to say it and hopefully they would be at least a little bit embarrassed in their behaviour.
 
Peglo said:
I think I would be inclined to reply to them something along the lines of “maybe you should let the YO know and they can sort this out” and see what they say. Best case scenario they do tell YO and then YO knows what’s going on. Worst case they won’t say anything but will hopefully not come back again to tell you.

Shouting at you on front of children is just not on. If similar occurs I would say something along the lines of “please could you conduct yourself in a more mature manner when around the younger folk and set a decent example to them”

You wouldn’t be in the wrong to say it and hopefully they would be at least a little bit embarrassed in their behaviour.
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YO said the reason she just walked out was because she was probably embarrassed when she realised it wasn't me? But I said it should not happen in the first place and do I not get an apology at least?
 
Cowpony said:
Really sorry you are going through this. It's hard for neuro diverse people - my sons are both on the spectrum, and they can sometimes appear rude without meaning to. But sadly even without an excuse some people just pick up the "different" vibe and see a good opportunity to bully. Is there another livery you get on better with, who you can ask what you've done to upset this other livery? There may be nothing, she may just be a nasty person. It's often the longest standing livery who seems to think they rule, and causes the problems.

If your YO doesn't believe you can you get evidence? I assume somebody must have told you what she's posting on FB, so would they send you some screenshots?

What is the livery having a go at you about? If it's yard rules that you've broken or things that you've done that inconvenience her, then maybe modifying your behaviour would help. But she doesn't have the right to shout at you. She sounds like a 4 year old!

There are other threads on here about this issue, so maybe have a look and it might reassure you that you're not alone! There are also lots of helpful suggestions, like wearing headphones so you don't have to listen to her. But sometimes the only solution is to find a nicer, more supportive yard. It's unfair that one person makes you leave, but for your own wellbeing that may be the best solution.
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No I don't break rules and I'm actually one of the most courteous people. She will have a go at me for things I've not done or things I do that aren't against the rules and everyone does. If I tell her it wasn't me, no apology just ignored..if I say well everyone does this she will say but I'm not bothered by them! I wish I was making this up
 
If she's truly screaming at you, then record it so you have video evidence to present to the yard owner.

Some people are brusque though in their manner.

Can you go down at different times? If you are full livery, presumably you aren't tied to being there for bringing in/turning out etc.

If you are really unhappy, then I'd suggest leaving.

If you want to stay I think you need to find a way to not let her behaviour bother you and you've had some great suggestions upthread.
 
9tails said:
Get your phone ready, record her Every. Single. Time. Tell her she's being disrespectful and you're not interacting. Tell her to go away. Rinse and repeat. Bullies want you cowering, they certainly don't want to be called out.
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Thanks I'm going to go in with my headphones on, pretend she's invisible, get cameras, start documenting everything
 
MuddyMonster said:
If she's truly screaming at you, then record it so you have video evidence to present to the yard owner.

Some people are brusque though in their manner.

Can you go down at different times? If you are full livery, presumably you aren't tied to being there for bringing in/turning out etc.

If you are really unhappy, then I'd suggest leaving.

If you want to stay I think you need to find a way to not let her behaviour bother you and you've had some great suggestions upthread.
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I don't think it's humanly possible not to be bothered by it but I am going to start actually documenting everything, get a camera and try to ignore her. Thank you for your reply..moving is difficult as so many yards are closing or closed most have long waiting lists. Xx
 
If you are not happy on your yard. Its honestly not worth it. One yard I was on, everything was good until it wasnt. And unfortunately the person who decided they had an issue with me was buddies with the yard manager so even though she was doing things wrong, and I was in the right. I was in the wrong because I wasnt in the clique. I was there for years before the issues started. The last yard I was at, I was disliked after 2 weeks. Typically always kept to myself but things just went south.

Its not worth staying at a yard that you are unhappy or uncomfortable. Both yards I had issues on I was miserable. Barely rode, would just go up, do the basics for my horse and leave. Yes is a lot but I would be looking elsewhere for my own mental health.
 
dreamcometrue said:
Maybe the older livery has mental health issues herself or is also neurodiverse. Older people missed out on all the diagnoses and support that happens nowadays and had to struggle to find their own way through life. Maybe that’s her way of coping 🤷

People aren’t generally just nasty for the sake of it. Perhaps just ignore her and enjoy the friends that you do have at the yard. x
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There's only 3 others and one is her sister and the other 2 she's very close too. I'm the newest on the yard
 
EJP15 said:
No I don't break rules and I'm actually one of the most courteous people. She will have a go at me for things I've not done or things I do that aren't against the rules and everyone does. If I tell her it wasn't me, no apology just ignored..if I say well everyone does this she will say but I'm not bothered by them! I wish I was making this up
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I mean like if she has a go at me for something that isn't against the rules but it annoys her and this is something everyone does she will say it only annoys me because you do it.
 
EJP15 said:
I'm old, too, nearly 40, and only got my diagnoses recently. She shouted at me, my 12 year old sharer and my son with special needs last week because of the mess she thought we had left. It was actually two other young children on the yard who had left said mess. When she realised it wasn't them she actually wasn't cross anymore as she is very friendly with their parents.

Ps she had walked on the yard and spoken to everyone really nicely, walked into the area we were and just started shouting. I calmly explained who it was and she just ignored me and walked back out.

she's about 10 years alder than me I'd say. There's only 2 other liveries and she's very friendly with them.
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Well 3 but the 3rd livery is her sister so they both treat me bad but she's the worse of the two
 
EJP15 said:
Yes. The yard owner keeps saying I'm imaging it basically or says the livery is having a hard time
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sounds like it more a yard of friends rather than a managed yard - YO is friends with both the bully and the sister I'm assuming?

Your not going to win this one. and even if she does change her ways the likely hood is there will still be a horrible atmosphere.

This could be as simple as she wants another horse or a friend on the yard and you are occupying a stable that makes that not possible.

I'd get my name down on waiting list of local yards. depending on what you require facilities wise I'd knock a few farmers doors to see if they have anything available to rent. I was in a similar situation to you a few years ago and ended up with a rough piece of land which we have slowly made our own. That self appointed yard owner now shares with only one other person and they don't like each other - the irony!

Remember horse ownership is hobby - its meant to be fun!
 
EJP15 said:
I don't think it's humanly possible not to be bothered by it but I am going to start actually documenting everything, get a camera and try to ignore her. Thank you for your reply..moving is difficult as so many yards are closing or closed most have long waiting lists. Xx
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You can find methods to cope more easily though and often, if you can change how you perceive a situation it can help how it affects you massively. Which is why I recommended a counsellor/therapist etc. You might not be able to change their behaviour but you can change your reaction to it with some help.
 
EJP15 said:
YO said the reason she just walked out was because she was probably embarrassed when she realised it wasn't me? But I said it should not happen in the first place and do I not get an apology at least?
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I mean yeah you should when dealing with a decent human.
Unfortunately you can’t make her be nice to you so if you have the strength just keep replying to her reasonably and calmly but don’t let her walk over you. It must be hard having to deal with someone like her
 
Pearlsasinger said:
Rather than telling her "I didn't do that", try "Why are you shouting at me about it? It's not me mess" If you stand up to bullies they give up.
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Oh yes that's good, why didn't I think of that. I will try to remember that next time. In the heat of the moment I just try to stop her shouting by explaining it wasn't me but actually you are right I need to turn it round onto her instead. Thank you x
 
I like just staring at people like this when they are having a go


Say nothing just look at them it really knocks them off their equilibrium. It's human nature to fill a long silence and then just walk away. She shouts you stare then walk away. Never engage.
She will get bored how can you argue with someone saying absolutely nothing?

I wouldn't ask the other liveries what I have done. Why do you care? Why try fix it She clearly doesn't want a relationship. Use the 'let them theory'-- if someone hates you- let them. Don't loose energy not your problem
 
EJP15 said:
I've been on my yard a year and there's been issues with other liveries seemingly not liking me for reasons I don't understand. Recently one of the oldest liveries age/time on yard has started to pick on me. She's always having a go at me, shouts at me, ignores me.

She's even deleted me off Facebook and started posting stuff about me. I've tried to ask her if I've upset her but she just ignored this. I've spoken to YO but she doesn't believe me.

Please help as I have mental health issues and Autism/ADHD and I don't have a life other than my ponies. I don't leave the house often (horses are on full livery most days) and this is making me not want to go at all.
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I been bullied a lot in my life at school as I am dyslexic - also been pick on my liveries in past I know how you feel. Honestly if the yard owner does not believe you, and she should, if she isn't then that is wrong. I would 100% move to another yard, as you will get lower in your self esteem and in the end won't enjoy your horse.

There is always biotching in some yards, but don't stay there to see if it gets better as it won't with a yard owner like that.

We have a young girl 10 here with autism and ADHD.
 
Peglo said:
I mean yeah you should when dealing with a decent human.
Unfortunately you can’t make her be nice to you so if you have the strength just keep replying to her reasonably and calmly but don’t let her walk over you. It must be hard having to deal with someone like her
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Yeah exactly. It's about who you are as a person. I can lose my temper, not like she does but I'm not perfect. I will always apologise too and try to make amends.

Oh yes she mocks me for being a people pleaser btw
 
MissMay said:
I like just staring at people like this when they are having a go


Say nothing just look at them it really knocks them off their equilibrium. It's human nature to fill a long silence and then just walk away. She shouts you stare then walk away. Never engage.
She will get bored how can you argue with someone saying absolutely nothing?

I wouldn't ask the other liveries what I have done. Why do you care? Why try fix it She clearly doesn't want a relationship. Use the 'let them theory'-- if someone hates you- let them. Don't loose energy not your problem
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Thank you for this advice
 
ILuvCowparsely said:
I been bullied a lot in my life at school as I am dyslexic - also been pick on my liveries in past I know how you feel. Honestly if the yard owner does not believe you, and she should, if she isn't then that is wrong. I would 100% move to another yard, as you will get lower in your self esteem and in the end won't enjoy your horse.

There is always biotching in some yards, but don't stay there to see if it gets better as it won't with a yard owner like that.

We have a young girl 10 here with autism and ADHD.
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Story of my life Cow...story of my life. Xxx
 
If you genuinely think she's going to assault you, you need to find another yard. Why would you choose to stay on a yard where people behave like that? - and worse, take your child and a young sharer onto the yard. I know you say it's rife on livery yards, but I've moved around a lot and been on a lot of yards, and it really, really wouldn't be normal on any yard I've ever been on.

If this is just a personality clash, you'd still be well advised to move on. You'll never make a small group of friends like you, and it will always be uncomfortable on a yard of that size when it's escalated to that point.

You can't control other people, and you can't make the YO care if they don't. You can only control your own choices.
 
MuddyMonster said:
You can find methods to cope more easily though and often, if you can change how you perceive a situation it can help how it affects you massively. Which is why I recommended a counsellor/therapist etc. You might not be able to change their behaviour but you can change your reaction to it with some help.
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Yes I understand that. I just remembered she mocks me for being a people pleaser. Believe me I've had loads of therapy and I'm handling it better than I would have done previously
 
JFTDWS said:
If you genuinely think she's going to assault you, you need to find another yard. Why would you choose to stay on a yard where people behave like that? - and worse, take your child and a young sharer onto the yard. I know you say it's rife on livery yards, but I've moved around a lot and been on a lot of yards, and it really, really wouldn't be normal on any yard I've ever been on.

If this is just a personality clash, you'd still be well advised to move on. You'll never make a small group of friends like you, and it will always be uncomfortable on a yard of that size when it's escalated to that point.

You can't control other people, and you can't make the YO care if they don't. You can only control your own choices.
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If she assaulted me she would be made to go. I heard her talking about moving off so maybe that's why she's suddenly started to be like this? I don't think she would hurt me unless I argued back and got aggressive which isn't something I'm likely to do as I do try to keep the peace. Maybe that's why she likes shouting at me as the other two liveries would argue back?
 
Agree with jftdws you will not change other peoples behaviour you can only change how you react to it, small yard with a long term group always going to be tricky.
My inclination would be to ignore but if approached/blamed directly just answer to take it up with the yard owner if there’s a problem. If she does then Yo might have a better view of the problem, if she doesn’t then fine
 
MissMay said:
I like just staring at people like this when they are having a go


Say nothing just look at them it really knocks them off their equilibrium. It's human nature to fill a long silence and then just walk away. She shouts you stare then walk away. Never engage.
She will get bored how can you argue with someone saying absolutely nothing?

I wouldn't ask the other liveries what I have done. Why do you care? Why try fix it She clearly doesn't want a relationship. Use the 'let them theory'-- if someone hates you- let them. Don't loose energy not your problem
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This is great advice. Perhaps she likes that I'm worried about upsetting her. She's ignored all my efforts to resolve it amicably and she does mock me for being a people pleaser
 
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