Do non horsey friends & family really understand the commitment?

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Biglets Mummy

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After a bit of a heated exchange over the weekend do any of you have problems with your non horsey friends and family about how much time is taken up with your horses? I have 4 and visit them 2/3 times a day. They are stabled with turnout in the winter and then come in at 1 til about 7 in the summer as they have no shade in the field and the one just cant cope with even the smallest amount of flies. So thats 4 stables to muck out daily plus everything else and of course riding.I work full time 9 - 530 and by the time I have done the GGs, had a little hack around and walked the dog and mustered enough energy to open a bottle of wine its 9-10. Im not complaining - I love my horses and look after them with a smile on my face and heaps of love in my heart.

I have family over from SA at the mo and to be honest they are a nightmare anyway. They are staying with other family but dont believe in planning anything. You just get a phone call to say they are heading to the pub and theirs a glass of wine on the table for you. When this happened last week I was in dirty clothes, covered in sweat and flies in the middle of poo picking my fields. When I declined they took offence. Didn't seem to grasp that I didn't want to drive 20 mins and sit stinking in a public place. Im not vain but sometimes it is nice to get out of the Jods and have a shower before facing the public !!

Then Sunday I am literally standing in the river throwing sticks for my dog with a friend having a little picnic in the sun when the phone goes and its " Sunday Lunch in 20 mins- you need to be here". They had rung all the family at last minute and most had eaten already or were fanning around in Homebase and such. They took offence at that as well.

I have said to them before that if you want to go out and you want to ask me along can you give me notice so I can either start work earlier to finish earlier or I can ask a friend to do the horses for me. I have explained at length that I have to care for my horses as I do as thats what they need but I would love to come out with you so let me know what you are doing and I will plan around.

Happened again last night - Horse and I are plodding along homeward bound after a little ride when the phone goes and its "We've booked a table for 8 oclock - we will pick you up at 7.30" It was 7.18.....I'm a mile away from the yard.......sweaty horse to cool down.....2 to turn out....2 to feed.....muck out.....get home.....shower and be ready in 12 minutes...Not happening is it?

They do live a very unstructured life style and expect everyone else to fit around then when they visit ( twice a year) and it has caused massive flare ups with other family members before - such as cooking a meal and they dont turn up - booking theatre tickets and they decide to go to a bar instead etc etc but I dont know what else to say to them to make them understand that I cant be available at the drop of a hat. Everything with them is spur of the moment...

My Aunt ( by marriage not blood) ripped into me last night in the most frenzied attack and said I was just plain awkward and was snubbing them and I couldn't seem to make her understand my commitments - if they had given me notice I would have gladly gone to dinner.

My lovely friends are brilliant and know that notice for days out and late nights give me the chance to plan and organise so I can go and relax knowing that my little family are all cared for.

Its just got me thinking how you all cope with this ? Is it a common problem that you all experience or are my family simply extremely rude and unreasonable or is it me ???? Am I being totally unflexible?

Chablis for all those reading this far xxx
 
Chablis, at 10am!!

Change your number and wait for them to go home?!

I guess if they change their minds on stuff no one organises anything else anymore so its down to them and they seem incapable to do planning :p and it's an afterthought to invite anyone else!
 
this would drive me nuts too so totally see where you are coming from... my parents are still hoping I'll grow out of horses (after 24 years of owning them!) and keep harping on about how my life would be better without them... erm... I'll be the one to decide on that thanks! :lol:

How long are they staying for? I think you've got 2 options - one is to spell it out for them in words of one syllable - but be prepared for fireworks. Might feel nice at the time to get it off your chest, but I'm guessing perhaps you don't really want to be crossed off the xmas card list forever so...

the second is to try to pre-empt them a bit, even if this feels like you are being the only adult here!
Could you phone them in the morning or at lunchtime etc to *ask* if they have plans, rather than waiting for a last minute phone call? I'm assuming you might want to see them a bit, even if they are a pain. If you could get in there first and say, e.g. 'I can be free from 7.30 onwards tonight, if you want to do something please let me know now' then the ball is in their court to give you adequate warning.

If they still leave it to the last minute to announce a plan that you can't commit to, then you can quite rightfully pull them up on it and they can't justifiably get cross about it.
 
Yep, the heading says it all for me: when I had family problems [they are beyond the perimiter fence now, lol].

I used to get invited formally for lunch on Boxing Day, .. I worked in Racing [Boxing Day is the busiest day of the year], they seemed to think I was unreasonable as I NEVER attended, and I used to think they invited me so they could say "we invited her but she never came!", what other people thought was always more important than my feelings.... anyway they got their "revenge" by leaving my bro the family fortune! Ooops, seemed like I was bursting to get that out of my system, sry.

No you are not unreasonable, I would turn off the mobile when you are not available, just say you are in a poor reception area.
 
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The trouble with horses is striking the balance.

I have 1 and my friends and family are very good - if I don't think they understand what goes into it every night especially with my back problems (I'm not the speediest) I bring them along with me and then they meet the Horse (she does love a visitor, they bring treats!!) and they see exactly what it entails.

I've actually managed to gather a few helpers from doing this, it keeps the peace, they understand the time restrictions and the smell (!) and they get to meet my lovely horse :D
 
Make plans with them for certain times and days you are available. I don't think it's anything to do with the horses it's two different attitudes and view points about life clashing. If they are only here for a short time make the effort or don't bother it's up to you just be more proactive in your choice.
 
FfionWinnie said:
Make plans with them for certain times and days you are available. I don't think it's anything to do with the horses it's two different attitudes and view points about life clashing. If they are only here for a short time make the effort or don't bother it's up to you just be more proactive in your choice.
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What she says!
 
Oh yes. Not even just time, emotionally as well. My OH was actually jealous of my broken ex racehorse. The week he was put down he constantly got at me for the time I was spending with him. That was when I realised he wasn't a keeper!
 
Michen said:
Oh yes. Not even just time, emotionally as well. My OH was actually jealous of my broken ex racehorse. The week he was put down he constantly got at me for the time I was spending with him. That was when I realised he wasn't a keeper!
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Another sound decision by Michen, you do have a turbulent life :)
 
FfionWinnie said:
Make plans with them for certain times and days you are available. I don't think it's anything to do with the horses it's two different attitudes and view points about life clashing. If they are only here for a short time make the effort or don't bother it's up to you just be more proactive in your choice.
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The OP did say they had renegaded on plans in the past though, so can understand not.
 
Clodagh said:
What she says!
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Tried this ......they either cancel at the last minute or dont turn up. I've tried everything tbh - example in choice - Took a days leave last Thursday to have a girly afternoon with my aunt. Lunch booked - beauticians booked for nails etc - booked back in Feb so we could get in together - she cancelled the appointment at 6 the night before no apology or explanation. I went on my own .
 
Biglets Mummy said:
Tried this ......they either cancel at the last minute or dont turn up. I've tried everything tbh - example in choice - Took a days leave last Thursday to have a girly afternoon with my aunt. Lunch booked - beauticians booked for nails etc - booked back in Feb so we could get in together - she cancelled the appointment at 6 the night before no apology or explanation. I went on my own .
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Then sod them!

If you have gone out of your way to accomodate them, but they can't be bothered to give you 24 hours notice then I wouldn't bother.
 
Biglets Mummy said:
Tried this ......they either cancel at the last minute or dont turn up. I've tried everything tbh - example in choice - Took a days leave last Thursday to have a girly afternoon with my aunt. Lunch booked - beauticians booked for nails etc - booked back in Feb so we could get in together - she cancelled the appointment at 6 the night before no apology or explanation. I went on my own .
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I have a friend that lets me down at the last minute like this. I don't take responsibility for booking anything for her in advance these days... and am always prepared to go alone ;)

It's pants, OP, but I still think you have 2 options - the first being to excommunicate them and the second to just accept they are flaky and expect nothing from them. It's only for a short time, right?
 
I was going to say 'bear with', it's an African thing, just dropping everything and going and doing something else, and then ringing around all friends to come and join in. Or, even, just dropping in on people. I do it all the time and it drives my MIL mad (so much amusement for me :tongue4: ). However, it's also one of those things that does not require offence to be taken if you can't make it. They also wouldn't take offence if you were dirty and smelly. They want to see you, not judge you.

So I do think you need to be a bit firm with them. My MIL is not African/horsey/animals/sports (or anything but self-centred) but I have come to realise that if I am to keep the peace, occasionally there needs to be a compromise. Yes, it's a royal pain that I end up doing the compromising, but it's once in a blue moon. So, pick a day before they go. Tell them you'll be free from 8ish. Just for once, skip the ponies out and give them all a day off. It's not going to hurt. Throw the ball for the dog in the garden 25 times - he won't mind missing his walk for that.
 
I don't know many people with lives who can be ready to go to dinner with 12 minutes notice! But yes, it's a pain trying to explain to non-horsey people that, amazingly enough, they need feeding and caring for every day, just like their pets, if they have them. Too many people seem to think you just dump a horse in a field and leave it. Currently trying to fend off the mother of one of my daughter's friends, who seems to think she can 'borrow' my daughter for the summer as her only child gets very bored. I am sick of trying to explain to this woman that daughter has two ponies to care for and oddly enough, as a family, WE have made plans that include my daughter and not hers! "Oh, well, she can come and stay with you then, and ride your horses." Child can't ride. I know I probably come across as being selfish but as my eldest is nearly 15, we don't have many carefree, lazy summers with the ponies left, and I want to enjoy them with my girls before summer jobs and uni and then grown up life intrude. Plus, daughter's little pal is a bit of a horror. Sorry, went off on a tangent there!
 
It's not just horses - it's a clash betwen what your priorities are, their priorities and also their general attitiude. It happens if you have dogs (no, he can;t be left on his own for 12 hours while I schelp round the M25 to spend the 'day' with you at short notice) and children. 'Um, no, I can't go to a day long show as I have no childcare and I doubt the presence of my child will enhance your experience'.

My 'side' of my family are generally very understanding but my in-laws drive me nuts.
 
No they don't understand and why should they ?
Because we all do horses we are immune to what a ridiculous way it is to spend your life it and you can't be surprised when relatives get miffed because you put dangerous money eating herbivores before people .
I take the telling offs on the chin and ignore them.
 
Goldenstar said:
No they don't understand and why should they ?
Because we all do horses we are immune to what a ridiculous way it is to spend your life it and you can't be surprised when relatives get miffed because you put dangerous money eating herbivores before people .
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:D:D:D:D:D
 
I can't imagine being able to go to dinner in 12 mins even without a horse though :p

they don't seem to be very good at the not taking offence bit hereshoping.
 
I get on well with my mother, but I have to be very careful what excuse I give if I am late ringing her. In the past when I've said I was sorting out the pony (who was on box rest at the time) I've received a very huffy "Well that just tells me that your horse means more to you than I do!" Well, now you mention it.......:D At least the pony doesn't get huffy if I'm a bit late. I really struggle to get my mother to understand that the horse can't muck herself out or get her own dinner. She gave me some money recently and I haven't dared tell her I spent it on a new saddle :eek:
 
This strikes me as a problem with them not with you.
Essentially; as you describe the events (there's always at least two sides to a story) they are being selfish and nothing more.

They expect you to entertain them at the drop of a hat and; when you fail to entertain them on their terms they get angry at you. In turn they do what they want when they want and seem to feel no remorse when you go out of your way to make time for them and they decide they just don't want to do it. Might be they are just super disorganised or maybe sometimes they are snubbing you by not turning or cancelling last minute because you keep "tending to your horse" instead of entertaining them.

I'd say its time you set down some ground rules and stick to them and if they can't do the most basic of planning and organising then that's their loss not yours.



I would agree to earlier comments that having a commitment to anything requires a measure of balance. That is being able to tend for the animal/child/person/thing in your life whilst at the same time having a measure of commitment to others/work/social/friend etc....
I think a big part of this is being organised and having dedicated slots of time to be with those people when they can trust you to be there and at the same time dedicated time dealing with, in this case, your horse. However its important to realise that people who have never had to look after a major commitment like a horse tend to lack the appreciation for how much time things take and what really needs doing. Most of the time they see horses they are in fields requiring no attention or being ridden - the rest of the care program is totally unseen to them and they are ignorant of it to the point where its hard for them to work out why things take so long.

One way you can alleviate such is to invite them into your life; that is to say invite them to help out with your horse(s) and teach them a bit of what really goes on. Essentially breaking down the wall of ignorance in a non-confrontational and as part of a direct experience for them. Such can also start to let them understand why they or their kids can't just roll up and "ride your horse" and why you're not being selfish when saying such (if you do of course etc...).

Many people are committed only to their job; which is to say their free time has hobbies and interests which don't tie them down; they can pick up and drop them as they wish when they wish. They are "free" and thus its hard for them to understand that your form of freedom is not as pick up and put down. And of course, again, some are just selfish and thinking only of themselves and their own entertainment.
 
When you get the next message or call take a selfie of you at that moment in time, they will see you in the river/on the horse and realise you physically can't make it. I would put caption with picture of "would have been lovely but this is me right now, won't make it in time X "
 
Its not the horses its the assumption you are available at the drop of a hat. I would go down the route of thanking them for the invite but you are already committed elsewhere. Horses are flexible and we can work around invitations with a bit of planning, just as parents have to think about childcare and availability. Enjoy your relatives when you see them, tell the tongue lasher she just needs to tell you to block out x time and you will be there and breathe!
 
Cowpony said:
I get on well with my mother, but I have to be very careful what excuse I give if I am late ringing her. In the past when I've said I was sorting out the pony (who was on box rest at the time) I've received a very huffy "Well that just tells me that your horse means more to you than I do!" Well, now you mention it.......:D At least the pony doesn't get huffy if I'm a bit late. I really struggle to get my mother to understand that the horse can't muck herself out or get her own dinner. She gave me some money recently and I haven't dared tell her I spent it on a new saddle :eek:
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My late Mother was rather like that too. I bought a Bluetooth head set and used to talk to her on my mobile whilst doing horse chores - saved me a lot of stress racing home to make the daily call at the time she expected it.
 
You don't have to explain yourself my lovely. Tell them to sod off ... actually don't bother it will only cause a rift so just ignore them.

Just because they are 'family' doesn't mean you have to like them, talk to them or see them! Tell them to jog on and get back to what you enjoy best :)
 
they sound totally unreasonable

I don't have friends or family like that, luckily!

my ex hated the horses and dumped me because he thought I loved my horse more than him! I don't know why he only thought that, he should have known it!! He also thought that I should have my old girl PTS so I could use the money to buy a tiny 1 bed flat with him! AS IF! glad I had a lucky escape from him
 
in general I find a lot of people don't understand the commitment. My family have learnt over the years that I need advanced notice as I need to plan- I have 4 horses and also have a dog to factor in, along with normally a 50 hour week at work. They have more issues with forgetting I work Friday night and Saturday- despite doing so for 2 years!
the amount of times non-horsey people have sounded shocked that I need to go to the horses TWICE a day! OMG! hehehe! Plus I am now pregnant (8 months!) and people have been asking for months if i am 'still doing the horses'- well of course! I will be until I go into labor and currently I am still a groom for 2 other horses 3 days a week and help with my friends.

OP your family sounds crazy and last minute/disorganize. even without horses I would struggle with their last minute plans.
I do know some people who are too rigid with their horses and need to sometimes just alter routines slightly to be more flexible. they can work around you. But at the same time, forward planning is always vital with animals!
 
Kezzabell2 said:
my ex hated the horses and dumped me because he thought I loved my horse more than him! I don't know why he only thought that, he should have known it!! He also thought that I should have my old girl PTS so I could use the money to buy a tiny 1 bed flat with him! AS IF! glad I had a lucky escape from him
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Well doesn't he sound like a delight?!
 
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