Giving up horses and mental health...

[dominobrown]

Hello, its a Saturday night, I have been at work all day and have had a glass of wine so bear with.
I had run a yard, doing livery and breaking/ schooling for a number of years. It was my dream to have my own yard and work with horses having spent a long time working with horses. I knew it was going to be hard so I worked very hard. Most days I work 12 to 14 hours a day and I had about 6 days off last year, no days off in 2021 and no days of this year so far.
I have made the decision to give up. I want to keep horses still and learn to enjoy them again but this year I have found it hard. I have worked for years and achieved nothing.
The stress is unbelievable, there are constant money worries and I owed thousands, you are continually treated poorly and have received death threats etc.
I have found it a really hard decision to give up, and have received mixed reviews. Some people are supportive though there has been a lot of gossip and bitchy comments from others.
I never felt more unmotivated and totally lost the desire to ride my own horses or dos anything other than the minimum. I have never had such bad anxiety and depression. I felt for a while there was only one way out of this industry.

I have often wondered if I am making the right decision and its really hard starting again, trying to start a new career as an older person ,despite have a degree and qualifications in a non-horsey field. I feel like I have wasted half my life on horses and almost resent them for that which to be honest is quite a sad thing to think.

I suppose this is a rather pointless post (and I am unsure whether to post it at all), but what I found that the equestrian industry is one that normalises people working 12+ hour days, normalises bullying, normalises threats and normalises gossip and can be quite nasty. I know that not exclusive to the equestrian industry at all but do think its something we should be conscious of and think how we treat people.
Any thoughts? Am I completely wrong? And any tips of getting away from it?

www.ridersminds.org if anyone needs it

 

[Equi]

Pack it in. You’re more important than someone else’s horse. Get rid of all the livery’s, find a nice job that you can leave at the office and learn to enjoy your life again.

 

[Crazy_cat_lady]

I didn't work with horses but gave up owning one last year due to finances and my mental health is much better for it

I'd long lost interest but had kept plodding along until last year

I don't miss the constant money drain and burden, I don't miss the commitment needed, I don't miss the chores including picking up other people's horses s**t, I don't miss the yard politics, I don't miss the time drain

In the last year I've sat on a horse once.

Could you find a stop gap job while you consider your option? It'll at least get you out of the horses and give you thinking space. Will also depending on the role build extras to put on your CV e.g. using different systems, use of MS office. If you're rusty on office there's loads of online help tutorials

you don't owe anyone anything, do what is best for you, if you were in any other job would you stay? No you'd hand in your notice, don't be forced to stay in something you hate by the liveries, it's not up to them

 

[Pearlsacarolsinger]

I used to be on livery with a married couple who were both police officers. The man, who was a novice when they bought their own horse, got the opportunity to join the mounted branch, which he grabbed with both hands. However after just a few short years he opted to go back to Traffic, as he found that he wasn't enjoying his own horses when he was working with horses all week.

 

[McFluff]

You have to do what is right for you. And you have to look after yourself, be kind to yourself. People who matter will support you, those who don’t, are not worth listening to.
Changing career later in life is more common these days. Most jobs have less working hours and better conditions than you’ve had. you’ll have lots of transferrable skills and things that you could take to a new role.
From what you’ve written, it sounds like a change would be good for you.
Good luck.

 

[Jambarissa]

I'm sure you've considered that this is the lowest point of the year, we've all had enough after a hard winter. Is your life easier in summer? Can you use the summer to explore other options without totally giving up your current role?

I only say that because it's easy for a stranger to tell you to pack it and do something different when they have no skin in the game.

What are your options? How are your finances? Does this decision just affect you or is there family finances to consider?

I do agree with others. You must be exhausted and it won't get any easier as the years go by. Do you have enough energy to get a plan together or has your health got so bad it just has to go and you muddle along somehow?

Obviously ignore people who are not supporting, some people are so miserable in their own lives that it gives them joy to see others suffer.

You were brave and followed your dream, you know what the reality is like and can make an informed decision. Better than living with the regret of never trying.

You must have been very strong to have achieved this, that strength will help you with your new dream when you find it.

Best if luck

 

[nagblagger]

No years have been wasted, you have gained valuable interchangeable life skills eg dealing with finances, communication skills dealing with difficult people, as well as gaining knowledge on equine behaviour, health and well being.
Although hard when you are so tired but take a step back, write down everything you have done over the years listing your experiences and how you have dealt with them, assess what you have enjoyed eg working outside, then start to look for a career down the path you enjoy.
With your obvious dedication and commitment you will be an asset to any future employer.

 

[toppedoff]

Burning out is okay, we can take that as a way to consider if we want to go forward or not. If you look onto my thread of horses and careers (or something similar) many people have told me the same story or similar

It is alot of hard work and with horses, if its your job then I see it more of a lifestyle imo and that lifestyle sure ain't glamorous

Definitely look at another route, even if temporary you will find more opportunities to explore, never too late to do anything. I hope you feel better soon op, it is alot of stress to endure

 

[gallopingby]

Sounds like you need a break and a plan. Have you someone who can help you look at things objectively? It’s the end of a long wet winter, things will be better in a few weeks for a while but then autumn will come and winter. Now is a good time to plan. Could you downsize? If you work from home and own your house/land etc things may be easier, if it’s rented could you change the way you work move to a different set up where you can rent a few boxes but do something else part of the time to bring in some money? Can you get help from a business development service so that costs are met up front, full livery only on direct debit? Lack of security is worrying for everyone including your clients but you and they need to be clear of the personal and financial costs,

 

[dominobrown]

Thank you for the responses.
i am sorry but I am going to dismiss “it’s been a long winter”, I have had dealt with long winters before, but this has been on my mind for months, probably since October. My anxiety was probably worse in about August when I was dealing with some quite nasty clients and threats that I had to get the police involved.
I am not sure it just “burn out” either, I felt burnout before but not totally hopeless.
I have nearly sacrificed everything for my business, and to keep my relationships I cannot continue for their sake. It’s taking its toll on everyone.

I have been making a plan, applying for jobs etc, and concentrating on more of the teaching side as I am freelance instructor for now. It is the livery’s that are the most stressful as that means I cannot ever take time off, I find it hard to get cover and there is the baggage that comes with it as well.

 

[Lurfy]

You have given your all to the job dominobrown. If you step away now you can do it with your head held high. It sounds like you have really worked very very hard and it's probably not sustainable to keep going. I wish you all the best in whatever you do next, hopefully something less taxing.

 

[dominobrown]

You have given your all to the job dominobrown. If you step away now you can do it with your head held high. It sounds like you have really worked very very hard and it's probably not sustainable to keep going. I wish you all the best in whatever you do next, hopefully something less taxing.

Thank you. I now have chronic pain in my back and sciatica caused by damage from falling off breakers, a permanently displaced collarbone and a arm that is pinned back together.
I was always of the belief, and we are often told, that if I worked harder things would be better. When things don’t go well, I tell myself “You are lazy, you should of worked harder”, but having a none horsey partner made me realise its not “normal” to get out of hospital after having GA and immediately go “do the yard” etc etc

 

[blitznbobs]

What I have learnt over the years is people only treat you the way you allow them to treat you, but the equine industry tends to attract young girls/women with social anxiety and poor self esteem. how often have I heard “I’d much rather deal with horses than the people. These kids are then thrown into what is a service industry. A service industry where the customer is not a four legged equine but a human owner of a four legged equine.

This means those people who went into the industry cos they would really rather work with horses than people are now working with demanding people who are paying most of their money to this yard to keep their surrogate child/children. Now add in that there are multiple of these human owners spending all their hard earned cash on this one thing, which Means they tend to want things the way they want them, but not realise that what they are paying barely covers the costs of the service and there is stress everywhere … which results in bad behaviour all the way round. From owners who think they should get first class service, to tired over worked staff (loads of whom have social phobias who avoid conflict like the plague so don’t stand up for themselves with anyone) to yard managers/owners who have just heard hay has gone up £2 a bale and that the fat cob in the corner has knocked over another fence and that they really should pass the cost on to the end user but doesn’t want the discussion around that so absorbs the cost which leads to them being even less well paid etc etc.

I do think it generally works better on yards where the public are not but only if the boss is a good boss… most people I have talked to about this on studs or pro yards say they enjoy the work (but I can think of a couple of very notable exceptions.

At the end of the day, if you are not happy doing what you are doing and you can make enough money doing something different, do something different … I’m very much of the opinion that you only get one go at this life so being able to change direction is incredibly important… But do get some help with your mental health, as people dont always make good decisions when depressed, make sure it’s the job telling you to leave and not the illness.

 

[eahotson]

Just wanted to say that I am sorry that you are going through this and I wish you luck and happiness in whatever you decide next.

 

[Red-1]

It sounds like you have thought it all through. I would add one more suggestion though, while you do your job searching and look forwards to a new future, and that is to dose up on vitamin D. If you are deficient, you will feel work out, low, sluggish etc. You will be deficient right now, coming out of winter. Dosing up may well help you with whatever you decide.

Change is always difficult. I have retired twice now and, even though I am solvent, it has been a huge decision and very difficult. Change. It takes mental effort, and emotionally things shifting means we have to adapt to new routines and also the way we view yourself.

Also, I would get a CV together right now. I had someone help me as I hadn't changed job for 25 years so was rusty. They sat me down and did an hour and a half's interview, really getting into what my job had entailed. When the CV came, I was astonished at how well my experience wrote up as skills for a new workplace. The CV was huuuuge, but meant I could keep a master copy then tailor each CV to the job I was applying for. More than this practical element though, it meant I saw my own value.

Good luck with your new future!

 

[dominobrown]

What I have learnt over the years is people only treat you the way you allow them to treat you, but the equine industry tends to attract young girls/women with social anxiety and poor self esteem. how often have I heard “I’d much rather deal with horses than the people. These kids are then thrown into what is a service industry. A service industry where the customer is not a four legged equine but a human owner of a four legged equine.

This means those people who went into the industry cos they would really rather work with horses than people are now working with demanding people who are paying most of their money to this yard to keep their surrogate child/children. Now add in that there are multiple of these human owners spending all their hard earned cash on this one thing, which Means they tend to want things the way they want them, but not realise that what they are paying barely covers the costs of the service and there is stress everywhere … which results in bad behaviour all the way round. From owners who think they should get first class service, to tired over worked staff (loads of whom have social phobias who avoid conflict like the plague so don’t stand up for themselves with anyone) to yard managers/owners who have just heard hay has gone up £2 a bale and that the fat cob in the corner has knocked over another fence and that they really should pass the cost on to the end user but doesn’t want the discussion around that so absorbs the cost which leads to them being even less well paid etc etc.

I do think it generally works better on yards where the public are not but only if the boss is a good boss… most people I have talked to about this on studs or pro yards say they enjoy the work (but I can think of a couple of very notable exceptions.

At the end of the day, if you are not happy doing what you are doing and you can make enough money doing something different, do something different … I’m very much of the opinion that you only get one go at this life so being able to change direction is incredibly important… But do get some help with your mental health, as people dont always make good decisions when depressed, make sure it’s the job telling you to leave and not the illness.

You have somewhat hit the nail on the head. I wouldn’t say it’s related to social anxiety for me necessarily as I have worked in the service industry (restaurant) and was customer advisor for a water company dealing with complaints etc, though I think it’s hard not to end up with anxiety unless you really couldn’t care less or if that profit margins where large enough to absorb the problems.

 

[dominobrown]

It sounds like you have thought it all through. I would add one more suggestion though, while you do your job searching and look forwards to a new future, and that is to dose up on vitamin D. If you are deficient, you will feel work out, low, sluggish etc. You will be deficient right now, coming out of winter. Dosing up may well help you with whatever you decide.

Change is always difficult. I have retired twice now and, even though I am solvent, it has been a huge decision and very difficult. Change. It takes mental effort, and emotionally things shifting means we have to adapt to new routines and also the way we view yourself.

Also, I would get a CV together right now. I had someone help me as I hadn't changed job for 25 years so was rusty. They sat me down and did an hour and a half's interview, really getting into what my job had entailed. When the CV came, I was astonished at how well my experience wrote up as skills for a new workplace. The CV was huuuuge, but meant I could keep a master copy then tailor each CV to the job I was applying for. More than this practical element though, it meant I saw my own value.

Good luck with your new future!

Thank you! Yes I had been taking vitamin D all winter and all sorts of immune support stuff.
I have re done my CV, though getting outside help sounds good. I could do with the interview thing and help with that, was you help from just someone you know or what it a business? If so what one?
It was hard getting rejected from a lot of jobs, and have got through to the next phase of some apprenticeships for a large organisation and actually rung up managers who were doing the recruitment, explained that I have run a business for years but am looking at changing career etc and it was all positive. It’s quite embarrassing that there is me, with an honours degree, and a bunch of 16 year olds!

 

[Titchy Reindeer]

I'm sorry you've reached this point. You sound completely burnt out, and no wonder with the long hours and few rest days.
I am also horrified you have received threats that required police involvement. That is not OK and not something I have personally experienced in the horse world but it would certainly put a damper on any remaining enthusiasm you may have had.
To echo what others have said: if you've reached this point you probably need to plan an exit for your own sake. Please ignore any bitchy comments, it is none of the business of whoever is making them. Also to repeat what I have said to myself (its really scary quitting a job!), family and friends: you can't stay in a job (whether employed or self-employed) to make someone else (employer, team, clients, etc) happy. They will have other competing interests and will leave / make your life hard without a second thought if they feel the need to. You need to do what is right for you.
It is always hard making such a big change, so doubts are normal, but you know best what you need to do, so try to listen to the "reasonable voice", not the "nagging doubting voice" if it happens to be hanging around.
Blitznbobs analysis of the horse industry comes across as fairly accurate in many cases as is your own drive to "work harder". It is a problem in any job done by passion. I used to work in animal behaviour research and many enthusiastic young souls were "preyed on" for free work (or even paying to work for some of the international gap year companies) because they were desperate to get a foot in the door of a very competitive field. Even among people who got a job, it was often expected long/ridiculous hours "because you love the job". And if you don't love the job enough, they'll be the next bright young thing just waiting to take your place. The vast majority, myself included, drop out at some point and find a "real" job. Like you, none of those years were "wasted". I got to do something I enjoyed until I no longer enjoy it / the environment it required. I'm sure you have many skills and your dedication to a job well done is obvious. I'm also sure there's a long string of horse who received excellent care and hopefully a few grateful owners somewhere.
Good luck with your career change if it is what you want/need. And I hope you can soon find enjoyment in your own horse again.

 

[Red-1]

Thank you! Yes I had been taking vitamin D all winter and all sorts of immune support stuff.
I have re done my CV, though getting outside help sounds good. I could do with the interview thing and help with that, was you help from just someone you know or what it a business? If so what one?
It was hard getting rejected from a lot of jobs, and have got through to the next phase of some apprenticeships for a large organisation and actually rung up managers who were doing the recruitment, explained that I have run a business for years but am looking at changing career etc and it was all positive. It’s quite embarrassing that there is me, with an honours degree, and a bunch of 16 year olds!

Hi, yes, it was a business. I would perhaps Google CV writing service? She would also do interview prep if you wanted. It seemed quite expensive at the time, but I have since had a few jobs and, not just the master copy, but also the experience, has given me the confidence to have a good hit rate at trying new stuff.

Are you aiming high enough? That was one thing I learned as I didn't value myself highly enough, but after she put me through the interview and system, with the written proof, I started looking at different roles. She let me know that many companies will discard people they think are over qualified, as they believe they won't stay. When applying for a lower ranked role I would simplify the CV etc.

I only retired this time in Thursday, another pension LOL, but cast an eye over Indeed yesterday. I do NOT want another job, at least for a couple of years, but there were some interesting ones. Many needing maturity, varied experience under pressure, being a people person etc that paid well, and were for people who could work independently. For example, Advocacy (advertising that they need a certain type of person rather than a specific qualification or experience in this role), various roles with the Police (one was to make contact with organisations to arrange to video people of various ethnicities/types to use the videos in video ID parades - it was mainly travel from home, meeting people), and many more. Many roles are genuinely looking for independent self starters. You will have that in spades.

I would also sort out your social media presence, many companies will take a look before interview.

 

[hobo]

Thank you for the responses.

I have been making a plan, applying for jobs etc, and concentrating on more of the teaching side as I am freelance instructor for now. It is the livery’s that are the most stressful as that means I cannot ever take time off, I find it hard to get cover and there is the baggage that comes with it as well.

That sounds good you are making plans. An instructor that I have worked with for many years gave up her yard a few years ago she was nearer retirement age so did not take another career. She now enjoys life and her own horse and does some freelance teaching to help pay for her own horse to be on a small livery yard. She does not regrete giving up the yard she does still have some stress as anyone that owns horses does!

Hope you get a good job and enjoy your own horses again.

 

[gallopingby]

Red -1 your comment about social media is important, many people don’t realise that a quick scan on FB or other platforms will tell you a lot about someone and if you’ve lots of applicants for a job can be used to decide how to progress applications. Some organisations were at one time being completely anonymous when sending profiles through for short listing but often this backfired for a variety of reasons. The other thing to remember about applying for jobs is that since Covid there have been huge changes in the way people see themselves and their aspiration. In some areas there is almost a reluctance for people to work traditional hours and there are still shortages for diverse reasons. WFH is obviously beneficial to some organisations and can provide a more balanced life style but a reliable ‘can do’ approach is always going to be attractive to an employer.

 

[Trouper]

There has been a lot of good advice on here and I would echo the idea of trying to take a break to rest and re-set before making the big decision. Tired brains do not make good decisions.

Just a thought on the equine side - I don't know how much land you have but wondered about switching to retirement livery or yearling livery. There always seems to be a dearth of these when people say on here they are looking and it would cut out a large amount of the daily livery hassle?

 

[LEC]

I went the opposite route, was always told as a child NEVER work with horses so I haven’t. I hate teaching as well so always worked outside of horses but been obsessed with them. I think it’s a much healthier balance and I know several VERY good medal winning pros at YR level who when it came down to it only owned their lorry so stepped away from the sport as that is not a future. I always wonder if I am lazy as could do more but it’s human nature if you are a forward facing person. Don’t worry about other people. Those that matter, don’t mind and those that mind, don’t matter.

 

[humblepie]

Running your own business is hard and if it’s impacting on your enjoyment of horses then as others have said don’t worry about what others think do the best for you. So much sensible advice above. Again it’s not perfect but racing working hard on hours, respect and culture as are organisations such as the equestrian employers association. Good luck with future plans and get back to enjoying your horses.

 

[McGrools]

Just to say, best of luck. I would never want to run a livery yard. I work freelance at a large livery yard and do not envy the yard owners job in the slightest, it is relentless problems and complaints and moaning and bitching. I’m surprised anyone can tolerate that level of negativity. Anyone would need incredibly thick skin. Not for me. I work with horses but i know how many hours i can comfortably do before i start to burn out and resent it. And i’m quite good at not taking on more than i can cope with after many years of practice xx

 

[SEL]

I've done bits working with horses but always stopped enjoying it once it was a job. It's tough when the hours are long, the pay is low and there really are some bonkers people in the horse world. I used my hard earned savings (from non horsey jobs) to buy my own small yard and it's lovely and peaceful without liveries!!

Do you own the place you currently have? Could it be rented out?

You may well find that after a break you get the urge to have a horse again but as a hobby rather than a job - & that's ok.

I used a CV service after having my confidence destroyed working for a narcissistic boss. I hadn't even appreciated how much that was coming across in the CV until the lady took me in hand and almost mock interviewed me. When she told me I'd spent 5 years being fabulous and employers needed to see that I almost cried on her. I think it was a few hundred pounds, but a while back now - worth every penny.

Good luck!

 

[southerncomfort]

Pack it in. You’re more important than someone else’s horse. Get rid of all the livery’s, find a nice job that you can leave at the office and learn to enjoy your life again.

100% this.

Life is to be enjoyed, not endured.

 

[DabDab]

No time spent committing and applying yourself to something is wasted time. It was right for when you were doing it, and now it's not anymore, such is life.

Having something that you really wanted end up making you ill can take some time to fully unpack in your head. So I would absolutely second Red's suggestion of a cv writing/careers advice service because there is every liklihood that all of that is having an impact in the way you view and present yourself for new potential job opportunities.

Best of luck with the job search and here's to you slowly regaining your mental health. You certainly must be a tough cookie to have lasted as long as you have in the game. Massive respect for that

 

[eahotson]

I am thinking of making what to me is a big change (probably not as big as yours though) and my son gave me some good advice.He said to make sure I was moving towards something, not away from something.He said that if you are just running away you can make bad decisions so make sure that you are moving positively towards something you feel you will really like and enjoy,

 

[dominobrown]

Ok guys, you have made me cry reading your reply’s. I very nearly deleted everything this morning as I thought I came across foolish and self-centred.
i have always come across as thicker skinned than I am, I am from a German family so can be logical and efficient rather soft and understanding though it’s not really until this year I realised how much trouble I was in. My partner luckily was very supportive as someone who is at that level of depression that *cough* suicide seems like a feasible option is not someone who is easy to live with. Learning to recognise that you are not ok has been a really important learning curve.