Giving up on your dream

[Clodagh]

I bred a foal, he was intended to be my perfect horse but he was too big and too much for me. (So different to you, I know).
I loaned him to a lady who loves bringing on youngsters, the idea was she could have fun, I still owned him although apart from having my name down as an owner at comps that was all I wanted. (I paid no bills for him). She got a better bred horse than she could have afforded, I got to go and pat him on the nose if I wanted to.
If he had eventually been sold I would have split the money with her, as it turned out he irrevocably broke and had to be PTS. That is not the point of the story though, if you don't need tohe money look for a girl who wants a horse like yours.

 

[ycbm]

Just to throw another angle at this: how would your child feel if, in 5/10/15/20 years time, they learnt that you'd given up your dream for them?

If it were me, I'd feel absolutely devastated and would be crushed to know my mother had been selfless to the point of her own sadness.

I'm in agreement with others that it sounds as though nothing anyone says is likely to sway your resolve on this, but just something to consider in case you do give it a second thought.

How will they feel if their Mum is bursting with pride at their Olympic medals, when she gets home from training her GP dressage horse at the age of fifty?

Surely no parent could stamp on the dreams of a child who is the best for their age in the whole country.

I really feel for you GG, but you're doing the right thing. You still have time. Your child doesn't, it's now or never.

.

 

[ycbm]

For me it’s important in future to have the time to dedicate to it properly without the guilt factor or having to rush because you need to pick up kids etc.., being on the clock when your having a session with the youngster can put you in the wrong frame of mind to deal with things...can make you rush inadvertently I feel.

I agree with you. I have a four year old horse, at home, and I never even get on his back if there is a fixed end time, it creates too much pressure.


I'm wondering, too, about the advice to loan her out and that you should get back a horse ready to crack on with your dreams. You won't. Your dream is to make her yourself. What you'll get back is a horse that someone else has made, quite possibly in a way you don't much like.

You sound like a great Mum, btw.
.

 

[Barton Bounty]

The cause of my heartache.... blissfully unaware of the trouble she causes..... View attachment 36556

Wow she is beautiful ♥️

My horse got put on the back burner and i still managed him but only rode maybe 2 times per week, had part livery sometimes just to make it easier for turnout etc. Too both boys to all their things etc and now they are 18/16 and didnt stick at anything they did, i ploughed money into tae kwon do, army cadets , swimming, rugby, and looking back it wasnt worth it but i did not grudge doing it at all, just think now, how on eargh did i manage, but i did.. best of luck with your decision ♥️

 

[Muddy unicorn]

How old is your eldest child? My son was a competitive swimmer - at 10, he was one of the fastest swimmers in the country. By 15 he’d pretty much given up - he just got fed up (plus he didn’t grow as much as he thought he would so started getting beaten by kids who’d been nowhere in the rankings a few years before). Looking back, I wish we’d kept it just as a fun thing to do which he was really good at and encouraged his interests in other things as well.

Plus, what will you do if your younger children also start displaying a precocious talent in something equally time-consuming like tennis or gymnastics?

 

[GemG]

How old is your eldest child? My son was a competitive swimmer - at 10, he was one of the fastest swimmers in the country. By 15 he’d pretty much given up - he just got fed up (plus he didn’t grow as much as he thought he would so started getting beaten by kids who’d been nowhere in the rankings a few years before). Looking back, I wish we’d kept it just as a fun thing to do which he was really good at and encouraged his interests in other things as well.

Plus, what will you do if your younger children also start displaying a precocious talent in something equally time-consuming like tennis or gymnastics?

I mentioned the swimming as it's one of the many issues causing me time constraints to set the scene. What, so I should forget about supporting my daughter with all I can in her sport in case she doesn't want to do it in a few years time? She is 8... and of course just because she's good now, who could ever say what the future holds for her.

I am making the right decision for me and my family here and I never asked for help with my descion making. I'm just saying I'm finding it a toughie.

 

[Stiff Knees]

That's the thing about forums though, you'll receive lots of well meaning advice and points of view, not necessarily about the specific question but around the general subject, because anyone who takes the time to reply is empathising with your situation and feels compelled to offer a solution that doesn't result in you losing your dream. We all feel for you. Not all of us, me included, have children, so we cannot possibly know your depth of feeling towards your kids, but every single one of those who have responded just want you to have explored every single option. ❤️

 

[GemG]

Surely no parent could stamp on the dreams of a child who is the best for their age in the whole country.

Exactly ycbm. That's where I'm at.

 

[GemG]

That's the thing about forums though, you'll receive lots of well meaning advice and points of view, not necessarily about the specific question but around the general subject, because anyone who takes the time to reply is empathising with your situation and feels compelled to offer a solution that doesn't result in you losing your dream. We all feel for you. Not all of us, me included, have children, so we cannot possibly know your depth of feeling towards your kids, but every single one of those who have responded just want you to have explored every single option. ❤️

I do apologise, I am a tad snappy(!) just now perhaps. I do appreciate everyone’s comments and do know they are well intended.

 

[teacups]

It definitely sounds as though you have already made a decision, and it must have been pretty a pretty tough process. I feel for you.

Just a couple of extra bits of perspective:

It does sound as though, even if you don't think so now, you may come to resent giving up that dream. I like EKW's suggestion. It will give breathing space, and if the situation is different in two years' time then you will still have her to bring on or, if by then giving up the dream doesn't hurt so much, you can sell.

My niece swam competitively when she was 8: the time commitment is huge. Remember it's also the coaches' jobs to keep the parents on board. She was also told she could be a future olympic champion. When she was 12 she suddenly was not quite good enough anymore, and was told she couldn't be part of the training team. That was hard for her. From training every day before and after school, every weekend, to not seeing any of those teammates and friends anymore. Also consider the effects this time commitment for one child will have on the other child.

How many parents would say no if they are told their child could be a future champion? I know someone who did: she still stands by her decision. They were off to competitions, staying away all weekend, but I think by then it was clear that her daughter was in the top 10 but it would be hard to get to the top. She thought about all those people who don't make it, and how they should have something else in life to fall back on - workwise as well as socially. So she stopped the high level competing and made sure her daughter had a good education, and other hobbies. She still doesn't regret it (but she said the pressure put on her by other parents and the coaches was huge) and her daughter got into sailing instead, studied and has a good job, happy marriage and her own children.

From the child's point of view: be careful not to load her with the weight of your dreams.

So my tuppence would be that you should not quite give up your dream right now, but park it for a couple of years first. Don't do the loan thing as your dream was to do all that yourself. See what the next couple of years bring, including a lovely foal, and give your daughter your all in terms of swimming - but be realistic too about her future prospects. At least you will be relaxed about it if she decides she doesn't want to get up to do training before school anymore in a year's time.

I know you came here for support, and from me you have it: what a difficult decision and I'm sure you will make the right one for you and your family (and your horse).

 

[Sussexbythesea]

It doesn’t actually sound as if you are giving up your dreams but that your dreams have changed.

I don’t really know why you’ve made such a big announcement.

 

[GemG]

It doesn’t actually sound as if you are giving up your dreams but that your dreams have changed.

I don’t really know why you’ve made such a big announcement.

I don’t know how to interpret that. Should I not have posted anything? Kept it to myself? Does my post not fit criteria for creating a thread... I’m not being abusive, horrid or derogatory to anyone or anything.., I’m just having a self indulgent ramble in what I considered a safe environment to try and make myself feel better.

My dreams have not changed? They’re now on hold I think.

My post was looking for a bit of a hug (thank you to those who have helped), an outlet for me to spout and to seek a bit of insight from others who perhaps had a similar experience and see how they got/if they got back to it.

 

[Barton Bounty]

I don’t know how to interpret that.

My dreams have not changed? They’re now on hold I think.

My post was looking for a bit of a hug (thank you to those who have helped), an outlet for me to spout and to seek a bit of insight from others who perhaps had a similar experience and see how they got/if they got back to it.

I think you deserve a hug 🤗 been where you are 🤗

 

[Trouper]

You were absolutely right to use the Forum to discuss your concerns. If it is not for fellow horse owners to contribute from their experience and knowledge there is no point in it and this thread has revealed some really difficult and challenging issues that we face. We don't all have children and I would weigh the views of those who do more heavily in the balance of decision making over this. However, I do think teacups has caught the essentials perfectly as I believe that we often regret not investigating all the options carefully when making a difficult decision. At 4 she is still a baby and I am constantly reminded about the bone growth chart for horses which shows areas not maturing until the ages of 6/7. It is not surprising that so many break when we push them too hard and fast in the early years. So the idea of a couple of years away and possibly a foal would appeal to me at all levels.
As to the future, well as one who rode constantly until exams and careers put an end to it I would just say the dream will still live on. Even when retirement arrived it still had to be put on hold because of medical issues and family responsibilities but the day did finally arrive. What happened after is another tale and I would not advocate leaving it as late as I did!! What I am saying is that things change - sometimes more quickly than we expected and you certainly don't want to have regrets about the decision you make now - it is difficult enough as it is as you certainly have a beauty there!!

 

[Stiff Knees]

I don’t know how to interpret that. Should I not have posted anything? Kept it to myself? Does my post not fit criteria for creating a thread... I’m not being abusive, horrid or derogatory to anyone or anything.., I’m just having a self indulgent ramble in what I considered a safe environment to try and make myself feel better.

My dreams have not changed? They’re now on hold I think.

My post was looking for a bit of a hug (thank you to those who have helped), an outlet for me to spout and to seek a bit of insight from others who perhaps had a similar experience and see how they got/if they got back to it.

You absolutely should have posted! Hugs galore. 😍

 

[Gloi]

Yet another story today about the unhappiness and abuse in competitive youth swimming. I'd not wish seriously competitive swimming on any child. Sports should be fun and swimming at a high level doesn't seem to be as they get older.
https://www.theguardian.com/books/2...fe-as-a-teenage-olympian-and-raging-alcoholic

 

[Sussexbythesea]

I don’t know how to interpret that. Should I not have posted anything? Kept it to myself? Does my post not fit criteria for creating a thread... I’m not being abusive, horrid or derogatory to anyone or anything.., I’m just having a self indulgent ramble in what I considered a safe environment to try and make myself feel better.

My dreams have not changed? They’re now on hold I think.

My post was looking for a bit of a hug (thank you to those who have helped), an outlet for me to spout and to seek a bit of insight from others who perhaps had a similar experience and see how they got/if they got back to it.

You’ve already said to another poster you've already made your mind up that’s why. I just find it odd how grown women need affirmation from a bunch of strangers on the internet. Advice yes but hugs for a decision of your own making really?

 

[GemG]

Yet another story today about the unhappiness and abuse in competitive youth swimming. I'd not wish seriously competitive swimming on any child. Sports should be fun and swimming at a high level doesn't seem to be as they get older.
https://www.theguardian.com/books/2...fe-as-a-teenage-olympian-and-raging-alcoholic

.....Plenty of abuse and unhappiness in ‘our’ sport if you look hard enough...

 

[SEL]

Yet another story today about the unhappiness and abuse in competitive youth swimming. I'd not wish seriously competitive swimming on any child. Sports should be fun and swimming at a high level doesn't seem to be as they get older.
https://www.theguardian.com/books/2...fe-as-a-teenage-olympian-and-raging-alcoholic

My brother in law did competitive swimming as a child and has turned out just fine! He just swims for exercise these days.

I mentioned this thread to my OH last night and the one thing he mentioned was that if 1 kid is amazing at something don't forget to let the other kid follow their dreams too - even if they are fairly average at what they are doing. A little bit of sibling rivalry still stewing 40 years later there I think!

 

[GemG]

You’ve already said to another poster you've already made your mind up that’s why. I just find it odd how grown women need affirmation from a bunch of strangers on the internet. Advice yes but hugs for a decision of your own making really?

I find it equally odd how plain rude some people can be.

 

[EnduroRider]

I have read all the replies and really feel for the OP. Just one thought that I cannot see has been noted - what about breeding from her then selling on once weaned and having the foal as your future horse? Thus keeping a 'piece' of her for your 'on hold' dream...

 

[ihatework]

Yet another story today about the unhappiness and abuse in competitive youth swimming. I'd not wish seriously competitive swimming on any child. Sports should be fun and swimming at a high level doesn't seem to be as they get older.
https://www.theguardian.com/books/2...fe-as-a-teenage-olympian-and-raging-alcoholic

This isn’t a swimming thing. It’s prevalent in any sporting or academic sphere for gifted children. It’s something parents have to be aware of and pre-empt/manage.

 

[Barton Bounty]

Theres nothing wrong with asking like minded people for an opinion? They may have been in the same predicament as you at some point in their lives and able to offer support and kind words! Theres certainly nothing wrong with being kind 😊

 

[tristar]

The point is it is your dream, give up on it and you are very likely to resent those that forced that choice. As it happens I did compete them when free to do so. Still rode at that time so was exercising when needed too although at that time they were mostly youngsters so it was easy to take it slowly
ETA if you get through this without resentment then good for you. I have always needed my time from kids and work so you are probably the wonder woman not me I just organised my time to fit in with all our needs

yeah, never say die.

4 years is nothing she could be a fab horse at 6 or 7 and better for it.

i`ve been there done everything you are doing and hung on in there, if fact after a frazzleing day i would jump on a mare plod round for 30 minutes in the country and go from almost dead to elated and mentally refreshed, i am sure it helped me to get through.

but we are all different, i once sold a horse i really wanted to keep and still regret it now 30 years later, so best of luck hope you do whats best for you and it works out

 

[AmyMay]

You’ve already said to another poster you've already made your mind up that’s why. I just find it odd how grown women need affirmation from a bunch of strangers on the internet. Advice yes but hugs for a decision of your own making really?

It’s a discussion board for Christ sake.

We discuss 🤔🤷🏻‍♀️

 

[Ambers Echo]

I have not read all the replies but yes I did give up on my own dreams temporarily. I had a 3 YO unbacked event horse by a grade A Stallion. She was gorgeous. Talented with a lovely temperament. I backed her and had just started jumping her with a view to competing. At that time I had 3 children who had slowly lost interest both in riding and in helping out at the yard. When they were younger they were fine with all that but suddenly they weren't. I was also working. I decided that spending hours every day on MY hobby at the expense of theirs was too selfish. The cost and the time were just not justifiable. I don't believe in the world revolving round the children but actually I was expecting their world to revolve around me! So I gave it all up and sold everything down to the last hoof-pick. I had no time frame in mind. And that is even without factoring in a genuinely talented child. My kids are happily fairly average at everything so I don't have these pressures! But if child of mine was genuinely talented and genuinely keen I would do everything I could to support them to succeed.

A few years later the girls started asking for riding lessons and once they were hooked and wanted a pony, I got back into it too. I have no regrets at all. Children are young for a very short time. Then they are gone and you have the rest of your life for pursuing your own dreams. I feel like me and Amber are just getting started and there are years in front of both of us.

 

[paddy555]

It’s a discussion board for Christ sake.

We discuss 🤔🤷🏻‍♀️

I agree. Surely the idea was for OP to say what she was doing and people to throw ideas around. She may not like them all, may even have made up her mind but someone may have a different solution or different perspective on the problem.

My take (although I don't have kids) is that she may come to regret this bitterly in years to come. Not now but in 10 years time. Not because it is her horse but because of it's history, sire etc. She may want to produce a foal to continue the line forever in a few years. If it was just a horse it could be sold and another bought in a few year but you can never replace a horse with personal history.
I see the horse is 4. There is a trainer near me who doesn't sit on them till 5. My chiro doesn't think they should be backed till 5. I wouldn't have thought just keeping the mare ticking over for a year and then considering it again would do the horse any harm.
I agree Teacups comments in post 70.

 

[Lintel]

It’s a discussion board for Christ sake.

We discuss 🤔🤷🏻‍♀️

Beautifully put!

 

[Jaffa]

Just replying to the post you put up saying you have kept the mares sire, that's a different situation in my opinion and you have a horse for any spare time. I assumed you only had this mare and were getting out of horses altogether, in your situation then I too would be doing the same thing and parting company with the mare.

Good luck for your daughters swimming interest, I hope she continues to go from strength to strength.

 

[Sussexbythesea]

It’s a discussion board for Christ sake.

We discuss 🤔🤷🏻‍♀️

To be fair you’re known for some pretty blunt comments yourself.