Giving up on your dream

[GemG]

Long story very short....

Bred my 'keep forever' horse... over four years of blood/sweat/tears later I have a fabulous four year old mare who is albeit very green is going well and hacking out happily and confidently alone or in company. Now needs brought on with more schooling with view to eventually outings/competing.... my dream to bring her on to eventually BD. No Olympic aims, but to just potter our way hopefully up a few levels and have fun along the journey.

But I do have young family (when foal was conceived I only had one child) and now have 2. Elder child showing amazing promise for swimming and tbh swimming training and comps have recently taken over our life. My young horse on back burner. I have no time and definitely no time to compete. I work FT too. All DIY as well. Not much childcare from family at all either. Can't afford to pay someone else to school/compete... and the whole point was for me to do it. I don't want to loan her out as don't want the responsibility/possibility of her coming back in 6 months time... and a very young green horse is not an easy one to loan out to be fair.

Hardest decision I've had to make. But I am giving her up.... completely. I do keep crying, mourning the loss of my dream, of her. Selfish - yes... self indulgent - yes,.. but it hurts so very much. The right decision, yes, I have to put my children first. This is not a small break, it will like,y be minimum 10-15 year break.... if I ever get back to "it". But I feel so very sad and it will take me a long time to get over I think.

Q. Anyone else given up/sacrificed their dream? How did you deal with it and did you ever get back to it later in life? Did you still have the bottle/desire after a "gap"?

 

[SWE]

From what you've said, it's definitely the right decision despite being the hardest decision to make. I always think its better to do something properly than lots of things badly. If you carry on it will get you down and keep eating away at you then you won't even enjoy the time with your kids.

When you sell her try and make sure she ends up with someone you can keep in touch with and that is going to do something with her - then it might feel slightly like you are an owner and you can enjoy her journey 🤔

I've had a gap before and don't worry, if you really love it, the desire and feel will all come straight back to you!

Good luck!

 

[Peregrine Falcon]

Yes and no. I bred a lovely pony but I fell pregnant the same year as his dam. He did well in hand as a youngster. I was pregnant again with no.2 and decided that I wasn't going to have the time to do him justice. He went to a fabulous home and has done brilliantly in the dressage arena, something I couldn't have done. I am so proud of him. He is local to me and I have stayed in touch with his owners.

I now have a 9yo mare who has been put on the back burner whilst I have concentrated on my son and his pony. Becoming a parent means you have to become selfless and I commend you for making a hard decision.

I hope that your eldest continues to do well and that the early morning training starts are worth it. All the best to them.

 

[AmyMay]

Is there no way around it? Will your partner not help out at all?

 

[Shay]

The world turns and life changes. It is the way it is. As a fellow parent - your kid's dreams matter more. Yes sad - but grown up.

Did I give up my dream for my daughter - yes in one way. Not in another because in fact I broke my back in a fall and had little choice. But the changed direction of my life has brought me far more, I suspect, than my original route would have done. I am still involved - actually very closely - with horses which is a difference from your situation. But I got -and still go get - massively more from helping DD, 3 fosterlings and any number of PC kids to take a step closer to their dreams. And not all remain with horses. I love and value every one of them whatever the right steps for them are, and for whatever part I have been able to play.

Would I have appreciated that stuck in a frame on a hospital bed (when my daughter was 6 - how selfish is that!?) Absolutely not. When I had to sell my beloved horse? Completely no. When I saw DD's face on her first pony... maybe. Bittersweet. (He is still with us 20 years later - beloved boy!!) When I watched her - or any of the others - ride to their first championship - not really. Too stressful! To know now, as they grow to adulthood that horses or not they have found themselves and are (mostly!!) the people they should be? Absolutely unequivocally YES. Their journey may not have been mine. May not have been what they thought when they first started. But is it worth it? Yes. One hundred times yes.

Its hard in the moment. Greive. You need to. But pick up, look forward and embrace where life takes you. Its a wonderful journey.

 

[Stiff Knees]

What happens if your eldest decides swimming is no longer their thing?? I swam at County level in my teens, then simply got bored (and ironically discovered horses!). Can you turn your horse away for a while until you're absolutely certain they wont change their mind about swimming being their world. I'm not a Mum so perhaps you're expected to make the sacrifices for your kids but that's one hell of a sacrifice!!

 

[Goldenstar]

no Advice from here as it would not help as no wants to be told to drown the child and keep the horse .
Just have a huge huge hug from me and I hope you find the perfect person for your horse .

 

[GemG]

Thank you all for your replies each and every one.

Yes, my husband already helps (lots)! but there's simply not enough hours even with his help. Plus I'm just not 'there' when we need to trek about the Country to swim comps! If I ride and do 'her' as I need to now to push on, I simply wouldn't be ever around for the kids or him once you add in work. Which is not fair and I never want to be a Mum that is never there, I feel bad enough working!

I can't hang onto her in case kids lose interest (of course she might) but she (child) currently posting times making her the fastest for her age in Britain, and is loving it... I just have to go with that and support her every step,of the way. Horse is at an age and stage where she would be less desirable to pass on if I left her a year or two or more in the field. She is likely to have better prospects looking forward if she goes now.
Drown the kids, keep the horse... that makes me smile at least.

It's life isn't it, you cant always have things the way you want them / what you want... and believe me I am truly grateful for what I do have and the experience I have been given,.. but yet I am at a loss and am grieving,... that's bizarre but yes, that's how I feel. Hugs appreciated. Only truly horsey infected people would understand.

Wish I played golf and could just stick the clubs in the cupboard for a bit.... so much simpler, bloody horses.... they're under your skin.

 

[blitznbobs]

How about not give up on but merely put on hold... kids grow up much faster than you can possibly conceive... Then pick up a new dream..

 

[GemG]

How about not give up on but merely put on hold... kids grow up much faster than you can possibly conceive... Then pick up a new dream..

Yes, that's a good way of looking at it.... on hold.... I know there are future lovely horses out there. ...and future dreams..... Just this one has huge sentimental value (rode her sire in excess of 20 years and did everything with him) and so bred one special one to keep. But hasn't panned out that way. Just feeling range of emotions, sad, upset, frustration, anger, guilt and think I need to put myself into a corner and lick my wounds for a bit!

 

[windand rain]

No real answer but to be honest I would try to keep her if she is so special. Kids flit through hobbies like nobodies business and selfish as it seems you need me time too. It makes you a better mum. If you feel she is not your me time that is different but sacrificing your dream for your kids is a bit like being a martyr and could ultimately cause resentment. I would find somewhere to turn her away for a year 18 months it wont hurt her and may even do her some good and see where you are then. Of course it may be that you need the money from her which is an entirely different reason for parting with her

 

[SEL]

It's interesting how the world has changed since I was a kid in the 70s/80s - no way did either of my parents change their lives to fit us in. We were very much expected to fit in around the adults. My OH has memories of hours of boredom sitting on a cold wet riverbank while his dad fished.

Maybe that's one of the reasons I don't have kids!

Good luck OP

 

[vmac66]

I had a 30 year gap from horses. With 3 under 5s keeping a horse just wasn't do able. I promised myself that I would get another horse. I did 4 years ago at the age of 48. Wouldn't give her up for the world now. Kids takeover your life for a, while but it's not forever, there is life after them.

 

[GemG]

No real answer but to be honest I would try to keep her if she is so special. Kids flit through hobbies like nobodies business and selfish as it seems you need me time too. It makes you a better mum. If you feel she is not your me time that is different but sacrificing your dream for your kids is a bit like being a martyr and could ultimately cause resentment. I would find somewhere to turn her away for a year 18 months it wont hurt her and may even do her some good and see where you are then. Of course it may be that you need the money from her which is an entirely different reason for parting with her

No I don't want a penny out of her... in fact my plan is gifting her and all of her stuff to someone capable who I know can bring her on and if they sell her on later that's totally fine. She has to go, I just don't have time.

 

[GemG]

It's interesting how the world has changed since I was a kid in the 70s/80s - no way did either of my parents change their lives to fit us in. We were very much expected to fit in around the adults. My OH has memories of hours of boredom sitting on a cold wet riverbank while his dad fished.

Maybe that's one of the reasons I don't have kids!

Good luck OP

My parents never gave anything up for me. Times has changed maybe?

 

[GemG]

I had a 30 year gap from horses. With 3 under 5s keeping a horse just wasn't do able. I promised myself that I would get another horse. I did 4 years ago at the age of 48. Wouldn't give her up for the world now. Kids takeover your life for a, while but it's not forever, there is life after them.

Exactly what I want to hear lol .... thank you and I think you get how hard it can be with little people around. Unless you have massive support network prepared to help you a lot...! Looking back over the last four or five years I don't know how I've managed to keep going or getbher to this stage actually.

 

[ihatework]

No I don't want a penny out of her... in fact my plan is gifting her and all of her stuff to someone capable who I know can bring her on and if they sell her on later that's totally fine. She has to go, I just don't have time.

Even with its potential downfalls, I would invest some time into trying to find the right loan home for her.

 

[Red-1]

I am hardly qualified to comment as I am far too selfish to have kids, but I think, reading your reply on post 8, you have already made up your mind.

I think the answer would be different for every person. I had a colleague who had 2 kids and stopped nothing. Both parents working, mother off horsing, money drained... but the kids grew up with a strong role model for moving mountains, going out and kicking a$$.

The kids are now going out into the world themselves, moving mountains and kicking a$$!

Other people I know have kids who were the focus of their parents' lives. They too have grown up and are out achieving.

I guess what both types I mention have have in common, is that their parents did things wholeheartedly. Whether that is to wholeheartedly set an example of your own achievement or happily sharing in theirs.

I also see many unhappy children. They tend to be (although not always) with parents who are not themselves fulfilled and happy. Personally, I think that the smallest daily things, such as not listening, rolling eyes, belittling... they are the things that kill kids from the inside.

 

[milliepops]

Even with its potential downfalls, I would invest some time into trying to find the right loan home for her.

Also not qualified to comment as OH and I like our lives just as they are so agreed we would not have children...

But this seems like a good idea to me. You can always turn it into a permanent loan if you find the emotional distance makes the break easier, and when you know she's in the perfect home?

I have had friends who did competitive swimming at county and above and I know how much of a commitment it is for everyone, you must feel rushed off your feet.

 

[Hollychops]

I gifted my horse to his loaner when my daughters were 3 and 1 years of age. I found i was constantly being torn between them all. I promised myself it was a blip and i would have one when they were older and we could all hack out together if they enjoyed riding. It took 8 years before i got another and next year i will be on the hunt again. My daughters are both grown up and enjoying their independant lives. They both rode and we had alot of fun doing things together. Done beat yourself up over your mare, it is hard but you sound like you are being realistic. I too had a full time job and wanted to spend my spare time with my daughters whilst they were young. Before you know it they will be grown up and you will see things in a different light.

 

[southerncomfort]

These threads always make me really sad.

I have 4 kids including twins and managed (just about!) to keep a horse. I was lucky though in that I had supportive family nearby which does make a lot of difference.

I did my years of shivering next to a football pitch cheering the twins on but they eventually got bored of it. Then all of my girls got in to ponies to varying degrees and it's been lovely to share that time with them over the years.

I absolutely agree that we should support our kids in whatever they want to do. I just think you can end up sacrificing too much of yourself and end up with no life of your own at all.

I don't know, I'm just not sure that being a good parent means giving up everything for your children. I think teaching them resilience and independence are just as important.

OP I feel so sorry for you. If it were me I'd turn the horse away at grass livery for a year and see where you are. Life is unpredictable, kids are fickle. You deserve a bit of a life too.

 

[Trouper]

Perhaps think of your mare as another daughter - you would just want to do the same for her as you are doing for the human one and if this means handing her over (the equine one!) to someone who can fulfil her potential then you are doing both the best for her and for your family. It's hard being the grown up, isn't it!!

 

[windand rain]

I have kids I couldnt give up on my dream tried and failed. Your title said it all if she truly is your dream you will almost certainly regret it or resent the kids for what you have lost. You say she must go but turning her away/loaning her mean she is still yours should circumstances change. Giving her away is not an option though as even best friends will knife you in the back if it is to their advantage. I had 7 ponies so could have them out 24/7 I worked 80 to 100 hours a week, had no family back up apart from an amazing OH, my eldest son helped from time to time. I also did a degree with the OU. I still kept going. It only lasted three years like that as I found a job with fewer hours. Time management needs to include time for you too. Being selfless is as bad as being selfish in my view and does as much if not more damage to relationships with kids and OH

 

[Pearlsasinger]

No I don't want a penny out of her... in fact my plan is gifting her and all of her stuff to someone capable who I know can bring her on and if they sell her on later that's totally fine. She has to go, I just don't have time.

Could you give her on a long-term loan to a competitive rider who will bring her on and educate her whilst enjoying her, with the possibility of your having her back when she is lder and you have more time. If your daughter sticks with swimming it will be several years before she doesn't need you to drive her around but you could still follow the progress of your horse and be involved with her when you have time (watching at comps etc) and you won't have given up on your dream for her entirely.
I do appreciate though, that when you decide to have children you are deciding to put them first, or you should be.

 

[Nasicus]

Threads like these always make me so sad, and a tiny bit thankful I'm staunchly in the 'I'm too selfish to have bloody children' camp.

Try find her a good loan home, if she comes back in 6 months, well find her another one. You'll end up regretting it otherwise and your kid will pick up on that (they're very perceptive!), and no kid wants the weight of knowing their parent sacrificed their dreams and gave up a part of their identity just so they could enjoy their own hobby.

 

[Jaffa]

Gosh what a hard place to be in. To be honest, if you daughter is posting fantastic times and loving it - I can see why you want to do everything you can to support her (as would any parent) and considering giving up other responsibilities, and with working full time too.

As the horse is one that is such a special one to you, I would chuck her out at grass for a year or two, the horse won't care and as she's only 4 - what's another two years? If your not looking for the resale value of her now then I wouldn't let that affect my decision.

I've been where you are with the guilty parent complex, it's not pleasant but also you will need to find time for yourself on the odd occasion especially if your eldest's swimming career takes off, if you find somewhere you can send the mare out to pasture/retirement livery/full grass livery somewhere where you don't need to be there for farriers and daily visits it will take the pressure off you but also on the sunny Sunday's when there isn't much planned take yourself off for a breather to go visit her/give her a brush.

She won't give two hoots that she's not being ridden and will be enjoying herself out in a field as horses do.

 

[GemG]

Perhaps think of your mare as another daughter - you would just want to do the same for her as you are doing for the human one and if this means handing her over (the equine one!) to someone who can fulfil her potential then you are doing both the best for her and for your family. It's hard being the grown up, isn't it!!

Absolutely this.

 

[GemG]

I have kids I couldnt give up on my dream tried and failed. Your title said it all if she truly is your dream you will almost certainly regret it or resent the kids for what you have lost. You say she must go but turning her away/loaning her mean she is still yours should circumstances change. Giving her away is not an option though as even best friends will knife you in the back if it is to their advantage. I had 7 ponies so could have them out 24/7 I worked 80 to 100 hours a week, had no family back up apart from an amazing OH, my eldest son helped from time to time. I also did a degree with the OU. I still kept going. It only lasted three years like that as I found a job with fewer hours. Time management needs to include time for you too. Being selfless is as bad as being selfish in my view and does as much if not more damage to relationships with kids and OH

You must be blooming Wonder Woman then. Clearly I’m not!!!!

Surely though you weren’t schooling and bringing on your 7 ponies to compete as well as working every hour that exists and an OU degree. ...and children.. house ... etc!?

The point is my dream was to bring her on to compete, ... to go and ‘do’. I am not wanting to keep her as a field ornament for the next x years.

Having some ponies at grass is a very different thing to bringing on a youngster the way I want to.

Must add I still have a field ornament to look after (this mares sire - who is retired) that is not going anywhere. So I still have something to brush! I think I will try and catch a ride now and again to keep myself ticking over. I’m worried I might lose my nerve or feel after a 10-15 year complete break from being on board!?!

 

[windand rain]

The point is it is your dream, give up on it and you are very likely to resent those that forced that choice. As it happens I did compete them when free to do so. Still rode at that time so was exercising when needed too although at that time they were mostly youngsters so it was easy to take it slowly
ETA if you get through this without resentment then good for you. I have always needed my time from kids and work so you are probably the wonder woman not me I just organised my time to fit in with all our needs

 

[Goldenstar]

Find a competitive amateur who needs a horse and loan her go to shows when you can and enjoy that in time she can come back or move on but you kept the door open