AmyMay
Situation normal
I am indeed.
But I’m not sure I’ve insinuated that someone shouldn’t open a discussion about a particular subject.
Giving up on your dream
- Thread starter GemG
- Start date
I am indeed.
But I’m not sure I’ve insinuated that someone shouldn’t open a discussion about a particular subject.
Tarragon
Well-Known Member
I am another who had a break from horses. Not because of children, but mostly because of a very non horsey husband and a career. The desire to ride was squashed from the age of 20 to 35, until I had a year old baby and for some reason I decided that I was tired of being just a wife and mother and I bought my first Exmoor pony! 21 years later and now with three nearly grown up children, I have tried to balance husband, family, work and ponies ever since and I like to think that I have been successful. I still get the odd snide remark about ponies wasting time and money from OH, but I tend to ignore them 
sam72431
Well-Known Member
I had a blip a few years ago (not child related) but basically just lost my oomph I was working all the time and just was constantly rushing. I had lost my Grandad and TBH not really feeling myself. I went as far as speaking to a friend about him taking my horse to school on and sell. He came and tried her loved her etc and we went through a plan of what to do. When it came to crunch though I realised I couldn't go through with it, I was in floods of tears and the thought of not having my dream horse around. This gave me the push to change things and I got a sharer who did 3 days a week and do you know what my passion came back and I haven't looked back! Can you get a sharer to help this takes pressure off of you and you have the control of who it is , they can help financially as well. I found just having someone to bounce ideas off of around my then 6 yo was a big help as well as the additional help of course.
I know you haven't lost your passion and it is child related but to me if you are in floods of tears over it then it just doesn't seem right, I don't have kids but you might end up resenting your daughter. Maybe try a good competent sharer and see if that alleviates things for you. You can have lessons and maybe if your sharer is good they could compete. I've had two sharers (I moved areas away from first one) and both have been absolute saints I just can't praise them enough current one is still around despite horse being broken. I have let them go out competing and in turn they have helped me at shows and I value both as friends!
I know you haven't lost your passion and it is child related but to me if you are in floods of tears over it then it just doesn't seem right, I don't have kids but you might end up resenting your daughter. Maybe try a good competent sharer and see if that alleviates things for you. You can have lessons and maybe if your sharer is good they could compete. I've had two sharers (I moved areas away from first one) and both have been absolute saints I just can't praise them enough current one is still around despite horse being broken. I have let them go out competing and in turn they have helped me at shows and I value both as friends!
Coblover63
Well-Known Member
I gave up horses at 21 to get a mortgage. 21 years later, one marriage, 3 kids a divorce and a remarriage later, I came back to horses aged 42, in 2005. I have no regrets at dedicating those years to my kids.... it flies by, but now I'm back to my horses and loving it.
(ps. None of my kids are horsey!)
(ps. None of my kids are horsey!)
Clodagh
Well-Known Member
Your comment cannot be described as blunt, it was fricking bonkers!
I really don't see the point of people like you being on fora, if we shouldn't discuss things or state our experiences what is the point of it? Surely you could go and do something more worthwhile for your evening?
QueenT
Well-Known Member
Agter... 27 year gap here! All roads lead to Rome!
Jellymoon
Well-Known Member
I think if one of my kids was posting the fastest times in the UK, and loving it, I’d be putting my modest horsey dreams on the back burner too. She could end up being an Olympian, a household name, Sports Personality of the Year! How exciting and amazing - you must be so proud of her.
I would try to find a way to keep my horse, I need my life too. but if you feel you must, then I honestly wouldn’t gift her, that seems crazy to me. Why not sell her and put the money into your daughters swimming fund? Or invest it in an ISA or something for future horse find. You can still be picky about who you sell her to.
On the other question of getting back into it, I had my first child 11 years ago, and that was the last time I competed at a decent level. I didn’t give up horses, but I did give up my eventing dreams. I’m now starting to get the urge again though, mainly because a nice new youngster is inspiring me, and I feel in my mid 40s that it’s now or never to have one last go! But the dream is to do some 90s, not go advanced as it once was!
Still very exciting though, and still more than the other mum’s at the school gate are doing!!!
I would try to find a way to keep my horse, I need my life too. but if you feel you must, then I honestly wouldn’t gift her, that seems crazy to me. Why not sell her and put the money into your daughters swimming fund? Or invest it in an ISA or something for future horse find. You can still be picky about who you sell her to.
On the other question of getting back into it, I had my first child 11 years ago, and that was the last time I competed at a decent level. I didn’t give up horses, but I did give up my eventing dreams. I’m now starting to get the urge again though, mainly because a nice new youngster is inspiring me, and I feel in my mid 40s that it’s now or never to have one last go! But the dream is to do some 90s, not go advanced as it once was!
Still very exciting though, and still more than the other mum’s at the school gate are doing!!!
Summit
Well-Known Member
Hugs from me 🤗
You must do what you feel is right for you at this time. If horses in your future are meant to be then it will happen
The-Bookworm
Well-Known Member
I haven't sacrificed my dream, I have compromised though.
Not horse related but I should think the longing, grief and emotional pain is the same.
It's still extremely painful if it pops up and I can't say I have felt that much pain for losing something that hadn't physically happened if you know what I mean.
The key for me was not giving up but compromise. Life changes but you can go with the flow, or go against it.
I am no help re children as I wouldn't have had the first let alone the second.
Not horse related but I should think the longing, grief and emotional pain is the same.
It's still extremely painful if it pops up and I can't say I have felt that much pain for losing something that hadn't physically happened if you know what I mean.
The key for me was not giving up but compromise. Life changes but you can go with the flow, or go against it.
I am no help re children as I wouldn't have had the first let alone the second.
southerncomfort
Well-Known Member
I was pondering this a bit more..
I think the reason I couldn't give up horses is precisely because I had 4 young children. I had to have that escape even if it was just an hour at each end of the day. Our house was a pretty noisy place as you can imagine! Being able to step away and relax for a bit each day made me a better mother.
I've also had mental health problems all my adult life and that time was really important in terms of keeping me well. I think if I'd had to sell my horse at that point I may well have fallen in to the abyss.
My youngest did show some talent for gymnastics and we were potentially looking at weekends away at comps etc. I imagine we would have done it but I'd have found it extremely difficult, especially with 3 others to consider.
The thing is, every family is different. We all do our best to make sure that all members of the family are happy. We may do things differently but it doesn't make it wrong.
OP I still feel sad for you but it sounds like you've made your peace with you decision. Fingers crossed for your daughter for the future. 🙂
I think the reason I couldn't give up horses is precisely because I had 4 young children. I had to have that escape even if it was just an hour at each end of the day. Our house was a pretty noisy place as you can imagine! Being able to step away and relax for a bit each day made me a better mother.
I've also had mental health problems all my adult life and that time was really important in terms of keeping me well. I think if I'd had to sell my horse at that point I may well have fallen in to the abyss.
My youngest did show some talent for gymnastics and we were potentially looking at weekends away at comps etc. I imagine we would have done it but I'd have found it extremely difficult, especially with 3 others to consider.
The thing is, every family is different. We all do our best to make sure that all members of the family are happy. We may do things differently but it doesn't make it wrong.
OP I still feel sad for you but it sounds like you've made your peace with you decision. Fingers crossed for your daughter for the future. 🙂
Pippity
Well-Known Member
Your children are very lucky, and best of luck to your daughter with her swimming. I have a friend whose daughter competes nationally, so I have some idea of how much commitment it takes from her family. Some people have commented that the top levels of competitive swimming can be a toxic enviromnent, but that's the case for any sport, and the best way to help her through that is to be there for her, which you are doing.
I got out of riding after a silly fall left me with a fractured spine, but it didn't last! My ambitions are nowhere near yours, but it's absolutely possible to come back to it.
When you do come back to it, would you consider breeding your own again? I know zilch about breeding, but would it be possible to freeze some of your stallion's semen, or buy back your/another mare by him and breed from her?
blitznbobs
Well-Known Member
Most of us need a hug sometimes and sharing worries is an excellent way to bolster mental health ... we are a social species and chatting about things is human version of grooming - surely that is exactly what SOCIAL media is at its best ... a chat about something improves the situation as a whole allowing people to face the next challenge with more resilience... to me it’s exactly what a forum should be doing.
The-Bookworm
Well-Known Member
That's where I struggle. Chatting about things. I would be that horse you see with others, but equally standing on the perimeter and not grooming another one.
GemG
Well-Known Member
It’s good to talk and I feel so much better in my head after posting and listening. My situation has not changed and the facts remain... but I just feel... more at peace with it all.
Problem shared and all that.
Thank you for your time and replies. Genuinely. I will let you know how it pans out....
Problem shared and all that.
Thank you for your time and replies. Genuinely. I will let you know how it pans out....
pippixox
Well-Known Member
I feel for you.
Being a parent is blooming tough sometimes. Sacrifices have to be made.
my life was all horses before I had children. I was determined to continue, and I have, but I am not competitive in the slightest, I just love having them as pets with the occasional hack. one is retired, my first horse, and one is 16 now, quirky with others but safe even after months doing nothing for me.
I have very little time or money and if I really felt a better home was there I would make that very hard decision. But in my case, I have a good set up for my old boy and my mare is very happy being semi-retired. they are kept very cheaply and there are a bunch of us that help each other out when needed.
the only thing I would say- I comply understand your decision, it is the right one. You are too stretched. But make sure you still have something for you. even if you enjoy schooling someone else's horse once a month, or another less time and money consuming hobby! its sensible to pause a dream, I know many mums who stopped and then returned to riding or competing. But is is not sensible to not have a clear down time. however busy life is.
Being a parent is blooming tough sometimes. Sacrifices have to be made.
my life was all horses before I had children. I was determined to continue, and I have, but I am not competitive in the slightest, I just love having them as pets with the occasional hack. one is retired, my first horse, and one is 16 now, quirky with others but safe even after months doing nothing for me.
I have very little time or money and if I really felt a better home was there I would make that very hard decision. But in my case, I have a good set up for my old boy and my mare is very happy being semi-retired. they are kept very cheaply and there are a bunch of us that help each other out when needed.
the only thing I would say- I comply understand your decision, it is the right one. You are too stretched. But make sure you still have something for you. even if you enjoy schooling someone else's horse once a month, or another less time and money consuming hobby! its sensible to pause a dream, I know many mums who stopped and then returned to riding or competing. But is is not sensible to not have a clear down time. however busy life is.
Meredith
riding reluctantly into the sunset
I offer this as a different viewpoint to show that whatever you choose to do fate has the proverbial spanner.
Friend has talented child, family life is taken over by training, competitions etc. Child is injured unfortunately and although will recover and continue training there was a huge hole in family life for over a year.
I am sure you have spent many hours of soul searching OP and only time will tell if you decide ‘correctly’ for there are many unforeseen circumstances that are hidden in the future.
My view is that if you choose to have children then you have a great responsibility however this does not mean you have become of less importance.
Friend has talented child, family life is taken over by training, competitions etc. Child is injured unfortunately and although will recover and continue training there was a huge hole in family life for over a year.
I am sure you have spent many hours of soul searching OP and only time will tell if you decide ‘correctly’ for there are many unforeseen circumstances that are hidden in the future.
My view is that if you choose to have children then you have a great responsibility however this does not mean you have become of less importance.
DabDab
Ah mud, splendid
Sounds like you're doing the best thing for you and your family, but really feel for you given that the horse you're giving up is a homebred with a lot of sentimental value.
In terms of the horse though, I bought one of my mares from someone in a very similar position. She had bred her from her mare and her mother's stallion but by the time the filly was two she had a very full on family life, and other demands on her time and like you had come to the decision that she couldn't do a youngster justice in the way she wanted. So along came I, and I am enormously grateful that they bred her and then sold her to me. I worship the ground she walks on and she has the life of Riley.
Given how caring and diligent you sound I am sure that you will find your mare a wonderful home where she will be loved and cherished, and you will be responsible for someone having a wonderful horse in their life.
In terms of the horse though, I bought one of my mares from someone in a very similar position. She had bred her from her mare and her mother's stallion but by the time the filly was two she had a very full on family life, and other demands on her time and like you had come to the decision that she couldn't do a youngster justice in the way she wanted. So along came I, and I am enormously grateful that they bred her and then sold her to me. I worship the ground she walks on and she has the life of Riley.
Given how caring and diligent you sound I am sure that you will find your mare a wonderful home where she will be loved and cherished, and you will be responsible for someone having a wonderful horse in their life.