has anyone put off having a baby because of their horse??

Ive not had children, I cant say its purely because Ive always had a horse but I do reckon if I hadnt had a horse I would have had a family. It seems a natural progression for non horsey people. To me theres never been time to think ooooh I want a baby, I love coming and going as I please, I love riding when I want to and I think having a horse just becomes a way of life. Most of my horsey friends dont have children and we are in our early 40's now, whereas my non horsey friends nearly all have children. I dont think its a case of being put off having a baby, more that natural progression of meeting someone, buying a house and having a child is sort of interrupted :) I never thought I wouldnt have children but never felt the yearn for one either. By the way Im married with a husband who wasnt bothered about children either as if either of us had wanted one, then we would have had one. I always say I will be the old lady down the road with a houseful of cats and dogs lol.
 
EquestrianFairy said:
It's amazing how when that little person comes along, suddenly everything you thought that mattered/was important becomes nothing compared to your child.

My horses were my world, now they are a part of it but they are not the be all and end all.
I would never chose them over my daughter but until I had her, my views were very different.
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This.

Horses are a hobby. A wanted child is someone you would not hesitate to die for.

Lots of people run a hobby alongside a family.
 
EquestrianFairy said:
It's amazing how when that little person comes along, suddenly everything you thought that mattered/was important becomes nothing compared to your child.

My horses were my world, now they are a part of it but they are not the be all and end all.
I would never chose them over my daughter but until I had her, my views were very different.
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Fully agree with this. I've never had my own horse but had two lovely shares and just when both were getting out and competing I fell pregnant. I wanted to carry on with the horses but ease up on them. How ever my pregnancy wouldn't allow that at all and had to give them up completely. Now back into riding and now daughter no longer being breastfed and my old shares are at owners home I can go down much more easily. Also my daughter loves being with them.
 
Goldenstar said:
Yup , I put it off permanently or as I prefer to say I forgot .
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I think this is a bit misleading now I read it back I did not have children because I did not want to have children, part of that was too with enjoying my life and not wanting it to change .
But a bigger part of the desision was never experiencing the desire to have a child and having seen one family member go to hell and back to have a child and another friend suffering misery being a mum to please her partner when she just did not appear to enjoy motherhood at all I decided I was completely disinterested at about 25 and I never changed that view.
I think if I had not had horses I probably would have been exactly the same , breeding was not for me .
 
blitznbobs said:
If you aren't sure about a baby don't have one. When I had my first child it was an overwhelming intense need to have a child I wouldn't have put it off for anything and I'm of the belief if you don't think like this then don't have the child - kids are beyond hard work and if you're not desperate for one you're not ready ...
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I disagree. I was never into kids. I actually disliked most kids I met. Only decided to have children in case I regretted not having them when I was older. Then when I had a child of my own and maternal instinct kicked in I became a different person. Things I thought were important became insignificant. My child is my world now.

And actually I have found motherhood very easy. I think that's because I dreaded it so much so I have been pleasantly surprised by motherhood. I have friends that were so excited about motherhood and got a real shock to the system when it happened. They found it a real struggle.
 
Im 24 and just broken up with my boyfriend of 2 years. Relationship was great but we were about to move in together and were discussing future plans. He wants children one day, I simply do not. I dont think its fair to keep the relationship going for another 5 years incase my body clock kicks in and I decide I want one, because if it doesnt that would be extremely unfair on both of us and I dont think having children is something that one person should have to compromise on in a relationship for the other.
Personally, I think if one wants kids and the other is not 'anti' the idea then I think it would be unfair to put it off a little. Plus I know if it was me and I knew I wanted them but just not now, id worry that when the time came to try if it didnt happen I would probably regret it and always wonder 'what if' if id tried earlier. Id also wonder about the possible strain on the relationship as a result.
 
PC Steele said:
I put off having kids because of horses. I am now 41 and although there is nothing medically wrong with me or my partner I cannot get pregnant. Have no money for IVF so my decision has been made for me. I am pretty devastated!!!!! My advice if you want kids get on with it!!!! You might be young but sometimes it doesn't matter. The younger you start trying the better even if its a year. Age unfortunately plays a massive part in pregnancy.
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Pretty much my story too.

Someone once said to me you should start trying when you're 75% ready because you will never be 100% ready (always think of some reason not to..) and you will cope!
 
How much do you want a baby? I was desperate for kids but we lived in a one-bedroomed house so there was no room and we couldn't afford to move. I put 2 mares in foal, subsituting fur babies for skin ones. Circumstances changed, we were able to move, I fell pregnant (quickly) and therefore all three of us foaled the same year. Queenie was born 23rd April, George 23rd April and baby William 3rd Sept. I really wanted to show the mare and foal, but had to rope in hubby (who had never shown before) and a friend to do it for me. I rode up to 32wks and was back in the saddle less than 10 days later determined to carry on riding afterwards. I entered a dressage competition 6wks after baby was born. Yes, it is a bit more complicated but I used to school in the field and leave baby in the pram and ride round him. I did sell the two youngsters when pregnant with no.2 as I couldn't keep them all but I wouldn't have missed out on motherhood for the world.

My only advice is not to leave it too late as fertility does decline with age and if you do encounter problems then you've still got time to seek help. Good luck with whatever you decide.
 
The thing is you can take time off from riding. But you can't from your fertility. It's all right for blokes, they can keep pinging out til they drop. Sadly, for women, there is a time frame, If you don't fancy the idea of children, I don't blame you. But if it is in your game plan, I would definitely suggest getting on with it before you hit your late 30s. Yes, you can get pregnant after then, but you are gambling with your chances on it.
Also, I would like to add, controversially, children are really quite nice when they're young. But, now, having had them, I'm not sure they're worth the bother. They do continue to be trouble until they are ridiculously old. I'm thinking of a 23-year-old in my case. I love him dearly, but possibly a nice little horse would have been easier...
 
KidnapMoss said:
I'm 30 and my first baby is due in may. For me, I'm not competing to a high level, just enjoy some low level showing and dressage. Yes I'm sad to miss out on all the county shows etc (baby due same weekend of Devon county!!!) but it's only a year and tbh my horses are t home and it gives me just a much pleasure to see them outside my window grazing happily and enjoying the odd pony cuddle. I'm lucky in that my husband is horsey and will ride his nd lead mine. I have a rising three year old who's so good natured and easy I'm not worried about not starting anything with him until autumn at least, maybe even next year. My husband is over the moon about the baby, as am I. He plays rugby and shoots, if he had said oh I think we should put it off so I can concentrate on those I would really have questioned our marriage. As it is I'm googling mummy lead rein outfits...baby and ponies can get along just fine I think :) :)
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So I guess I can't come and poke Moss then this year!!! Many congrats and how exciting.
 
Another bit of advice is make sure your both wanting a child and both look after it as its hard looking after a baby on your own and not getting a break trust me
 
As many people have said on here, there is no perfect time to have a child--- if people made the decision on rational logical financial factors, it might be a lonely planet indeed. On the other hand, not having a child is equally a valid choice. There is a lot of pressure on women to have children-- an expectation really and to opt out of it consciously and deliberately it seems to not be well accepted in society generally speaking. I enjoy children-- always have-- adore nieces and nephews and friends' children. But if there is such a thing as a biological clock, mine has never rung. I never made a decision NOT to have children, I just never made the decision TO have them--it always seemed like a nice idea, some time in the hazy and not well defined future, but never ever at the present moment. It wasn't a matter of leaving it too late, it was a matter of never wanting them at the time.

I used to feel some envy for people who were so clear they wanted kids. I never had that clarity. Some people say that you will regret not having them, but actually, as things have turned out in my life, I feel relief, not regret.

Some people say that they have managed to find a way to balance everything and that is wonderful. The other side of the coin is that many marriages fail after a child is born, due to the added stress of having a child as one of the factors. I have sisters who are lone parents ( not through choice but circumstance) and it is a struggle for them. They love their kids to bits but it is not an easy life for them.

Good luck with your choices-- and whatever ones you make-- be happy and never look back!
 
It would be a wonderful world if every child was born, loved wanted and cherished sadly its not the case.So whatever any chooses to do should be respected however both partners have to be absolutely certain it is what they want and should be prepared to be joint parent for every child equal in every way. That way it is possible to have hobbies and work and children, indeed have it all without proper joint child care it become more pressured and more mother based and then it can be a nightmare of juggling. I have been very lucky and am thankful for the fact that we both cared for our children both did housework both worked and both had hobbies we could pursue so we had three kids and all grew up with both parents we have been partners and married for 38 years this year so are now grandparents but we still do what we can to share the tasks of the home and ponies and of course adore our granddaughters so will given the opportunity still share child care
 
Hackie said:
I personally would be very hurt if I wanted kids and my partner put of starting a family for what is a hobby, albeit an expensive, involved one. I'd reconsider their commitment to our relationship and life together.
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This.

undergroundoli said:
Try searching for Hot to Trot's threads OP. She brought her horse while pregnant...
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Sorry to be pedantic but she BOUGHT her horse! Not 'brought!' :)
 
I'm 37 and have just had my first child (when I was 36), I was under the impression I had lots of time until I had to worry about having children. However, it took me two years to get pregnant and I am now concerned I may not be able to have a 2nd child. In hindsight I waited too long, I wish I could've say to my 31/32 year old self, get a move on! Stop worrying about work and animals, that can go on hold whereas having a baby is a window.
 
Maybe I'm not 'into' horses the same as everyone else but I really don't get putting your life on hold for a horse?

It just makes no sense to me I'm afraid :o
 
risky business said:
Maybe I'm not 'into' horses the same as everyone else but I really don't get putting your life on hold for a horse?

It just makes no sense to me I'm afraid :o
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I see it the other way around - putting your life (career, hobby, having fun etc) on hold to have kids! Hubby and I are just not entirely convinced but as I am 33 this year, I suppose I had better start making some tough decisions. I always believed I could have it all- good career, nice house, horses, competing , and I assumed, kids. However, the reality is that I can't have it all. Oddly, when I was in the military, I could. However, now I have had to leave and other half is still in, I have to face up to the realities that if we do have children, I will essentially be a single parent most of the time. And I don't really relish that thought, so I just don't know what to do.
 
PercyMum said:
I see it the other way around - putting your life (career, hobby, having fun etc) on hold to have kids! Hubby and I are just not entirely convinced but as I am 33 this year, I suppose I had better start making some tough decisions. I always believed I could have it all- good career, nice house, horses, competing , and I assumed, kids. However, the reality is that I can't have it all. Oddly, when I was in the military, I could. However, now I have had to leave and other half is still in, I have to face up to the realities that if we do have children, I will essentially be a single parent most of the time. And I don't really relish that thought, so I just don't know what to do.
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The career stuff is hard to deal with, I find. I am v ambitious and always have been. I'm v successful in my current role and am ready to move on/ take the next step up. There would be a salary increase which is great, but it's more for the new challenge and achievement. It would also mean more travel (ie, time away from home) and generally more stress, longer hours and so on. I love the buzz I get from being successful at work, and the challenge that would come with a new role or promotion. When I am enthused about work, I could forget about everything else and keep thinking I can have kids in a few years. But then remember I am 33 now. BF and I have discussed the potential of having kids in the near future. Buying a house in the summer then hopefully start trying next year. It means I need to seriously consider whether I stay in a job which bores me now but I know I can juggle a family with this job, or I put more energy into my career and put off having kids. Maternity benefits at current company aren't great, but if I move somewhere else now, I probably wouldn't get anything bar statutory mat pay in the first 2 years. I was always taught when growing up that I could have it all so it's strange to be in the situation now where I am having to make a decision. BF is v supportive of me changing jobs if I want to, because that it him and his nature, but he thinks if we are planning a baby then I would do better to stay in current job.

It is hard isn't it PercyMum!
 
I waited til my career was going well, hubby and I had secure jobs, a nice house, a nice horse. My biological clock kicked in at 31... and we decided to let nature take it's course. After 18 months of nothing happening we were starting to worry and just before I was 33 the doctor began investigations. Fortunately I fell pregnant and had my little boy at 33 - I had 6 months off riding with pelvic problems. I had a sharer. Then I was back ready to compete after a further 3 months (and weightwatchers) until I unexpectedly fell pregnant again at 34. Cue another sharer and now I am riding 3-4 times a week around my 6 month old and toddler.
I feel very lucky to have my 2 gorgeous boys - having gone through all the what-ifs of possible infertility - and horse, though still important to me, is definitely right down the pecking order now. About where a dog would be!
I am so glad I didn't wait any longer to have kids. I was so worried when we were having problems and having done the research (and knowing friends' experiences) things like IVF have only 25% success. Plus pregnancies carry many more risks as you get older and again, having known the horrendous experiences of people close to me, I wouldn't advise it just for the sake of getting a bit more riding in.
But everyone is different and only you know your own body so best of luck whatever people decide.
 
' I was always taught when growing up that I could have it all so it's strange to be in the situation now where I am having to make a decision. '

Totally agree Percy's Mum

I really struggled having to put my career on hold too - I was earning more than my husband when I fell pregnant. Now with 2 little ones I am just a part-timer... Takes a good bit of getting used to! SO frustrating when I look at job adverts too!
 
I'm having exactly the same issue. I'm currently 28, I've had my horse since she was two and done all the groundwork on her, she's ten this year so just coming into her prime, so I've decided to try to wait until 32 when she will be 14 (thoroughbred so this is probably quite an accident prone age) and hopefully we will be ok for some gentle hacking for a year or so - but life doesn't always work as planned so I say just take it as it comes. I wouldn't worry about doing your horse after you have your baby, if you want to do something you'll find the time, if you don't you'll find excuses. I love the quote about it not always being the right time but it is always the right baby. Good luck with everything :)
 
There are some really interesting and eloquent posts here, what great advice OP, I wish I had thought about all this stuff before I had my two!

Olivia's post on the previous page is lovely. It is very true that there is a lot of pressure to have children, and you can choose not to!

I also think that women (or at least my generation - 30-40) have been failed in the expectations we have been given. We are told we can do anything we want and, yes, all career options are open to us, but none of the old feminists sorted out the domestic situation! It is still almost always the women who are forced to make the big life choices - career/children, hobbies/children. I understand that there are a few more men doing the child caring and domestic work, but actually I don't know any!

My best advice would be to crack on and have the children if you want them, because there will never be a good time, and make sure you have full and frank discussions with your husband about what you both want to achieve in life after having had the children (eg doing particular jobs, riding every day etc) and work out how you can both help each other achieve those things, both from a financial and a time point of view. Also, my experience was the breastfeeding (because I was the one who had to do the night feeds so hubby never got up) and a year's maternity leave automatically put me into the role of carer and domestic, and it is very very hard to change the roles once they are established. So consider whether you could share the parental leave (law is changing I think?) and perhaps both go part time afterwards to share the child care and give you both time for hobbies.

Oh, and it is fabulous fun when they start riding properly! Bloody hard work, but I love taking them to Pony Club, and it's the best thing in the world to share a day's hunting with them.

Good luck.
 
My friend is currently taking 6 months paternity leave after his wife took the first six months, he's done this for both kids and really enjoys it. Having said that his wife earns considerably more than him so it makes financial sense too. I know I need to be more assertive and ask my oh for more horse time at the weekend as now I can leave mini sf three hours between feeds. It's hard though cos he works he also needs his time at the weekend! Trouble is sometimes mini sf is a bit of a monkey when I leave and cries a lot, not nice for any of us! :)
 
tootsietoo said:
I also think that women (or at least my generation - 30-40) have been failed in the expectations we have been given. We are told we can do anything we want and, yes, all career options are open to us, but none of the old feminists sorted out the domestic situation! It is still almost always the women who are forced to make the big life choices - career/children, hobbies/children. I understand that there are a few more men doing the child caring and domestic work, but actually I don't know any!
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This is kinda how I feel!! I was told that everything is possible if I worked hard enough - well, i worked my butt off, have a good job, dream home, 2 nice (ish!!!) horses. I have acheived my dream of having them at home, I have an arena etc etc. So I am sooooo lucky. But to pay for that, I have a good job that is full time. So where do I fit in a child?? I don't earn enough for a nanny so where does it leave me? there just arent enough hours in the day! I almost feel that someone should ahve given me a reality check when I was younger. Or maybe they did and I just didnt listen :-( Being a girl SUCKS!!!!!
 
There isn't much I can add that hasn't already been said,and I didn't have horses when we made the decision to have a family.But,I was 30,we tried for 3 years,I had all sorts of horrible investigations and no one could find any reason for it.We were told that it was very unlikely,after all that time,we'd ever conceive and could go away and think about adoption or go in the list for IVF.By then I was 33,and what they don't tell you is that the waiting list for treatment can be several years,by which time you could well be 'too old' to qualify for IVF anyway.And,it used to be the case,that if you went for private treatment,you'd lose your entitlement to NHS treatment.

In our case,we were very very lucky and I ended up having 2 babies in 21 months with no need for IVF,but until you get into the infertility system,you have no idea of the hoops you have to jump through and the stress involved.I still don't ride and wouldn't be on here now if it wasn't for my daughters and their ponies-if they weren't pony obsessed,we wouldn't have our two and my life would be infinitely poorer.
 
noblesteed said:
I really struggled having to put my career on hold too - I was earning more than my husband when I fell pregnant. Now with 2 little ones I am just a part-timer... Takes a good bit of getting used to! SO frustrating when I look at job adverts too!
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This is my situation. I earn more than my partner so I worry we might struggle if I leave work for any significant period of time.

Also agree with the post further down about how someone should have given us all a reality check when we were younger! My parents were fabulous in that they gave so much encouragement - me and my sis were always told we could do anything, achieve anything. We are well educated, have good careers, own our own houses. But they also always said "boys can wait, you can find one any time, go out and get your educations and careers first, don't just be a housewife, always want/strive for more, you'll have plenty of time for babies when you are older". Except no one ever tells you how quickly your 20s will go, then suddenly you are in your mid 30s (eek) and having a mini panic wondering why you can't, in fact, have it all.... :/
 
Also, I look at friends/ people I know how are trying for babies and around my age. Around half of them are struggling, and that is women in their early to mid 30s. My fear is that if I wait another couple of years, it could take a further couple at least to fall pregnant, then I'll just be exhausted all the time.

Having said that... I have other friends who seem to keep on falling pregnant despite taking the pill religiously and they are in late 30s!
 
MiniMilton said:
I disagree. I was never into kids. I actually disliked most kids I met. Only decided to have children in case I regretted not having them when I was older. Then when I had a child of my own and maternal instinct kicked in I became a different person. Things I thought were important became insignificant. My child is my world now
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Its great that it worked out for well for you. Unfortunately, I see so many families where the children are just an annoyance to the parents lifestyle, rather than the core factor in it :(.

Children don't need lots of 'stuff', what they do need is unconditional love from their parents and their time and interest. Kids can spot a fake from a very young age.

How can any of us know whether we will truly love parenthood until we have a child of our own? We can't, all we can do is to go into it with the best of intentions.
 
Clare85 said:
Before we had our little girl, lots of people said to me that if you wait for the perfect time to have a baby, you'll never have one. There will always be a reason not to have a baby and before you know it, it could be too late :)
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This was said to me so many times and but I was always clear in my head I did not want to have children .
The world is not short of population it will manage very well without me breeding .
I told someone who had a go at me that is was contribution to the fight to stop global warming, mothers can be very very rude to people who chose not to have kids .
 
I don't know if I'll put it off as such but I will be very determined not to let my commitment to my horses slip away. luckily I'm just a humble hacker but I take schooling and fitness very seriously so I would be concerned about having to take a break for a while for the horses sake and my own sanity!

I do worry about the financial side of things. My horses are easy and fairly cheap to run but I know kids most certainly aren't!!

I've got a while to wait though we aren't thinking about babies yet, we've only been married a year(on Saturday! :D)
 
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