Help.... any divorced ladies on here?

pines of rome

pines of rome

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Need advice and support, pig of a husband has just before christmas told me he is seeing someone else and is leaving had an affair 5 years ago and i forgave him stupid me.
Put a lot of blame on the[bloody horse] typical. anyway i am not losing my
house which he wants to sell, so it looks like it might get messy.

Any words of wisdom would be appreciated:
 
Thanks,
thats what i thought he said we didn,t need one and amymay is obviously another cat lover, i have 5 of them who are all sleeping on my bed trying to comfort mummy
 
I think that's the first thing you need to do is get a good solicitor as Amymay and Vanner have said.

Secondly, try and stay calm and rational, I know it's easier said and done but one of the things that I wish I'd been when my O/H (we weren't married) left me for another woman was a bit calmer about it all. Do you have children? If so, it's really more so important to remain calm for them.

Virtual hugs for you and try and keep positive. I'd be surprised if anything happens before Christmas now (re him wanting the house sold) anyway so try and enjoy the holiday season as much as you can. Make sure you rely on your family and friends for support as much as you can.
 
i do agree you will need a solicitor but most of them stir things up to string the divorce out and make more money. maybe get legal advice as to your immediate entitlement but hold off starting the divorce till things are a little less heated. i know the last thing you want to is be friends with your ex but the more the two of you argue the more money the solicitors get from you.
 
No joint accounts, but i inherited a decent ammount of money which is all in my name only,i did pay off the mortgage so i have paid for 2/3ds of the house.
I did think inherited money was excempt in divorce settlements but i think this might be in scotland not uk.
I have a 21 yr old daughter by my first marriage she is fantastic a real support, it was her that caught him out. i did wonder if i put my money in her name would it be safe?
 
Agree with contacting a solicitor. You may end up having to buy him out of the house, and I think the inherited money may be taken into account :eek: This was one reason I never married the ex! He had no assets and because we weren't married he had no claim on mine. Do take advise as a colleague of my sisters ended up with her pension being shared with the cheating "£$%$£$ that she had been married to for about 30 years!
Good luck with it all, agree with do nothing too quickly (except get him out!) Take your time and look after your emotional health.
 
Sorry to hear of your recent problems.

I think the advice depends on the relationship you have with your husband & what sort of people you are. I know it hurts right now, but by the sounds of things it has been a bit of a shock. You may feel differently in a few days.

When my ex husband & I decided we no longer wanted to be together we still managed to share a house for several months & we dealt with everything our selves, including the financial arrangements & divorce. However, no body else was involved, there were no children & we didn't apportion blame. There were times when we had to bite our tongues & leave the room etc, but we managed it & saved a fortune in solicitors bills. The only time we needed to involve a solicitor was to get his name off the deeds of the house & mortgage - & during this time the solicitor tried very hard to cause a problem between us & get more involved than he needed to.

If you think that on the whole if you can both deal with it calmly then I recommend the above, however, i appreciate that my situation was somewhat different to yours.

If this is not an option, then get a good solicitor, but make sure they don't cause additional friction between you as the longer it takes to sort out & the more disagreements there are the more of your money the solicitor walks away with.

If your husband is a t@@t then be mindful that any money you have in joint names can be withdrawn by either of you & once the banks have been informed they freeze your accounts (or certainly used to) until you have both been in to sort it out.

Good luck
 
Sorry. It took me so long to type my reply that things have moved on a bit.

If no joint accounts or mortgage it makes things a little less complicated. Same goes for kids.

A trip to the CAB would be a good idea, or have a free initial consultation with a solicitor, just so you know what you should & shouldn't do.

Are you 2 able to talk rationally? If so, try & sit down with a cup of tea & have a chat about what you both want. If he's reasonable he might surprise you & walk away with much less than you think. I bought my ex out of his share of the house quite cheaply really. He took most of our possessions, but it was only stuff & I was happy for it to go.

Don't move out of the house. If the deeds are in your name I guess you have every right to change the locks (check that out with CAB), but if they are joint I don't think you can legally stop him from staying there.
 
My friends relationship split up after 22 years. She thought he would be rational and fair, he wasn't. My other friends marriage has just broken up after 32years, she thought he would be fair and he has been down right nasty.
I think men have a very strong sense of right and wrong and they see themselves as always in the right, so you must be wrong.
Get a good divorce soliciter, don't fall for emotional blackmail, and although you probabley care a great deal still about him let him deal through the soliciter. In my friends experience they will only tell you what you want to here and then c**p on you.
Both my friends are starting on the surface have started to come out the other side, I think what has hurt them both the most is someone they trusted and in the both cases the father of their children could be so heartless.
Both have hated saying bad things about their partner even if it was fully justified, and why do women always see it as their job to fix things when often they didn't break it to start with?
Love and huggs
 
You are all being most helpful made me feel a bit calmer, as long as i have my daughter and animals i will be ok dosen,t help that i have a 50th birthday soon that,s depressing enough on its own
 
Definitely speak to the CAB and a solicitor and do not agree to anything until you have done so - the same applies to changing locks, moving money etc

Good luck and i hope you get sorted out - as for the timing - well I guess there is no such thing as a good time for that sort of news but on the plus side at least with it being Christmas it will give you some breathing space to sort your head out and come up with a plan of action - if anyone leaves its him.
 
Family law solicitors are the best solicitors as you have a child involved and if you can get one on recommendation that someone else has used.
 
Sorry but at 21, the daughter doesn't count ss a child, in this scenario. Divorece lawyer is the way to go, but do try and keep it as simple as you can. The fact that he is the cheat will have no bearing on the final out come. The length of the marriiage may have some impact. Try and work out how much financial input there has been into the assets and the running of the house. For example if you paid the mortgage and he paid the utilities, that may mean that he has a bigger share of the house than you first thought (hope that makes sense).
 
Clear out your joint accounts AND THEN inform your bank that you are going through a marital dispute they have a duty of care to freeze the accounts and they can then only be unfrozen when the bank receive a signed letter of authority from both of you !

My mum and dad split up when I was 11 the first thing she did was buy me a pony as my dad had always said no, however it meant we where eating beans for dinner for months ;-)
 
Sorry to hear of your situation.
I got divorced last year, similar situation.
I thanked god I lived in Scotland, shame you didn't.
The laws here are very different, all the money was mine and even though the house we lived in was in joint names, the deposit which was substantial came from me and he had to buy me out and give me my money back to keep house.
I suspect if the house is in joint names, you will probably find it will be a 50/50 split regardless of where money came from due to length of marriage.
But you can often ofset this againt other things like pensions, if he has a good pension, you will be entitled to half of it, but you could relinquish that against him being reasonable on the house.

Agree with others on solicitors causing more problems than good, you will need their advise, but if you can agree to stuff between yourselves and just get solicitors to draw up legal paper work, it works out an awful lot better.

Its not easy I know, I had the added problem of loads of crap from the new women, several of them, and him trying to keep his options open, I upped and walked away in the end as couldn't take it, did a midnight flit and wasn't seen for months! Not the best way, but was my way of dealing with it. But I agree with the others, dont move from the house, if it turns nasty and he tries to drive you out as my ex did, the law is there to protect you and it works very simply, he's arrested and bale conditions dictate he can't return or step foot in it whilst you reside there - I never knew this at the time hence legged it.

Your head will be in a total spin, not the time for making decisions, let the dust settle if you can find an amicable way forward for the short term forseeable future, and then decide what you want and your way forward, good luck x
 
I would be worried about the inheritance money - get some advice from CAB immediatley. My divorce came through in summer but the financial side is not yet sorted. I have inherited some money from my nana but it has stayed with my dad until a clean break order has been signed, this means he can not obtain half of anything I own in the future. Unless you get one of these, ex can try and get half of any house you buy in the future, half lottery winnings (pigs might fly you never know!) etc.

ETA - sorry I forgot to say, what an ass to dump it on you at xmas. Hope you are ok :-)
 
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Poor old you. As a lady the same age as you I do feel your pain. There is some great advice on here, and some I wish I had when I got divorced 20 plus years ago. My ex decided that he was going to leave me just before xmas, he had been my first serious boyfriend and did everything for me. My advice to you would be not to do anything rash straight away. Do not give into any form or co-ercion and do not leave your house. If the house is in joint names you wont be able to change the locks, if his name is not on the deeds you should be ok. Gather your friends around you, lick your wounds and gather your strength.

If its any consolation, my divorce was acrimonious, expensive and seeing as I was the wronged party,totally unjust. He came out better than I did as he had a large amount of savings which he refused to let me touch. I got some legal aid and my solicitor said it would cost me as much to fight it, as I would get back, so what would be the point? However, I have now been married again for 16 years to a lovely man I wish I had met the first time around, have Mini TX (ex didnt want kids), have fantastic business (ex wanted a housewife), have my horses (ex hated them and made me give them up), and life does get good again.

My heart really goes out to you, especially at xmas time when its all about 'happy families'. I coped by spending my time with my lovely family and like minded friends. Keep your chin up and keep us updated on yur progress. Hugs.
 
Cant top the good advice but just to say his timing is marvellous. You will get through it and life will get better. I do detect a little bit of guilt about your horse - please don't let him focus on that. In my (considerable) experience, the horse (s) only became a problem when the relationship was on the rocks. If it was all going well nothing would be said, so do ignore that.

Just to give you some "light at the end of the tunnel" - my mother and stepfather had the MOST acrimonious divorce when he was in his 60's (nope not taking my mothers side) - but he picked himself up, went off to Spain and lived out the rest of his days, misbehaving himself and so much happier. So if life can begin again in your mid 60's then think how much easier it will be for you!.

And finally - if in doubt, do nowt till you have proper advice behind you and fully understand your position..
 
Hello,

I know what you are going through, my ex husband left me and my little boy with nothing, he was havng an affair with my best friend and he was gambling all our money away, anyway i found out left him and when i say he ran up debts close to 70k im not fibbing!

I just want to say no matter how low you get and how skint you get you will get through it, and what goes around comes around! my ex now is on his own with a run down house and car and workes all the hours to pay off what he owes! however i have a brand new 4x4 own house lovely fela new horse etc etc! dont get me wrong it has took 5 years and i had 3 jobs at one point but i have the upper hand now!! so hold your head up high us women are far more stronger than them men think!

Find out what you you can clame for for being a single if you have kids you can get working tax credit etc but it is worth it even just to help you out with few bills!

PM Me if there is anything i can help you with

Stacey x
 
It might sound very difficult and unfeeling of me but honestly it's the best way. TRY to remain friendly. I know right now you want to rip him a new one but I went through a divorce while remaining on good terms and now are even friends with my ex and his new wife and honestly it made life much more pleasant, and the divorce went through so easily. I compare it to my sister who had years of abuse, fighting and distress because they wouldn't/couldn't communicate.

I know stupid advise but maybe once things have calmed down you'll be able to do it.
 
You have received some excellent advice already. Would definitely recommend the CAB as they should be able to put you in touch with a solicitor for half an hours free advice. Try and keep calm and rational, not easy I know but it will help in the long run. I really feel for you, my ex announced he wanted to leave on Christmas Day, our children were 7yrs and 18 months and I didn't have a clue he was seeing someone else.:mad: You will get through it though, tough as it might seem at the moment.
 
cobgirlie said:
It might sound very difficult and unfeeling of me but honestly it's the best way. TRY to remain friendly. I know right now you want to rip him a new one but I went through a divorce while remaining on good terms and now are even friends with my ex and his new wife and honestly it made life much more pleasant, and the divorce went through so easily. I compare it to my sister who had years of abuse, fighting and distress because they wouldn't/couldn't communicate.

I know stupid advise but maybe once things have calmed down you'll be able to do it.
Click to expand...

This want I was trying to say in my earlier posts (although Cobgirlie has said it so much better). It really does make it easier for everyone if you can stay on speaking terms. You probably don't feel it is possible right now, but after everything has had a chance to settle down you may feel differently, so I wouldn't do anything rash straight away, very few things need to be dealt with right this minute, unless he is being an idiot.

I know people who have fought for everything in these situations, wouldn't compromise an inch & would rather lose the lot to solicitors than give at all for the other party. It has a habit of taking over your life & making for a very bitter person at the end of it. Not a route I wanted to take & luckily neither did my ex. We both wanted to get on with the rest of our lives as quickly as possible.

I really do wish you the best.

PS I heard the other day that the over 50's are having the time of their lives. More sex, more one night stands etc than any other time in life - so something to look forward to perhaps??
 
Be very careful about the inherited money. My bullying git of an ex lied to his solicitor and told them that I had £20,000 in the bank. (I wish). I actually had about £9,000 and had to give hime £2000 of it. I moved out of the area and had to rent a house and furnish it on that money. I'm so glad I left when I did and I'm very happily single. I shall never trust another man and want nothing to do with them. Good luck and get a good solicitor.
 
get a solicitor, stay where you are and don't listen to your husband. i went through a terrible split about 5 yrs ago, the divorce took 2 yrs to complete and in that time HE insisted on living in the house. i made him move into the spare room. if you've got kids, you'll be fine. if you can afford to stay in your house, then you will. you'll owe him a percentage in yrs to come depending on your kids ages or if you re-marry etc. dont listen to any threats he might make about money, the divorce courts are there to sort it out for you. i found a lovely solicitor who gave me so much support throughout. i still get trouble from HIM now after all this time and there are occasions when i need to ring her for advice. stay strong and good luck x
 
If the house has to be soldyour contribution will be taken into account when deciding how to split the proceeds. Not sure about inheritance issues....a pratt I know waited until his wife inherited from her mother (megabucks) before starting divorce proceedings.
 
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