Horse husbands

[Lissie2]

How do you balance marriage and horses? Have a very resentful husband who hates the time, and money required. Won’t have anything to do with the yard or said horse! Anyone else have to deal with this day in and day out!? Fed up of the constant strops and guilt trips. I pay for my horse myself, but even that’s an issue as apparently I should be spending that money on the house and bills 😬 Give me strength.

 

[JulesRules]

Does he have an interest of his own? My OH isn't interested in my horses, but although he has the odd grumble about how long I spend at the yard he's mostly fine because he spends whole days and quite often weekends off mountain biking and road cycling.

 

[Pearlsasinger]

Did you have the horse before you got married?

 

[Snowfilly]

Divorce the husband. Nuclear but entirely satisfying option - if I'm working for my money, that means I get to do what I want with it. Of course, this assumes you're splitting bills and house 50/50 and your share is covered?

Next stage down, advise him to take up a time consuming hobby of his own and stop being so clingy. My OH has a love affair with motorbikes and between buying / maintaining / riding / polishing the things, he's happily occupied most evenings.

But seriously, I grew up with a Dad like this and it was horrible. I've struggled my whole life with that feeling of guilt for doing something I wanted to do and feeling like I need permission to have hobbies. Don't live like that any longer than you need to.

 

[Shay]

Every marriage has its compromises and I'm not sure a forum can help overmuch. With the best will in the world you need to talk to him - not us!

For what it is worth I gave up horses when we were first married. There wasn't the money between us and because we both had to work the time was better spent finding things to do together, renovating the house and building that relationship. I rode off and on (on hopliday and such) but nothing really more until our daughter started to ride aged 3. She was too little to hack etc without an adult so I rode too. I got my own horse back when she was 6 but then fell and broke my back so he had to be sold. (Absolutely not his fault - one of those things). We used the money from his sale to buy her first pony and never looked back. We've been married 28 years now - had horses for 13 of them. DH does all the stable chores because I am not so mobile following my fall. I'm not sure he would have been so accommodating if we hadn't built the relationship we did. (Or perhaps if our daughter hadn't been so into it!)

 

[sharni]

get rid of the husband why ever did you marry him if hes so resentful of your first and best love?

 

[blitznbobs]

My husband is entirely none horsey, but he knows that it’s a very big part of my life. He has enabled me to build a house next to my horses stables, and when my horse was found to be permanently unridable earlier this year, pretty much instructed me to buy another one as his Christmas present to me... tbh I wouldn’t have married him if he couldn’t deal with my animal addiction... he still is scared of the horses and won’t even lead the 40 year old Shetland in from the field but he has his own interests (shooting and cars)which I don’t enjoy myself but get that they are important to him. We have days and even weekends apart and juggle child care between us so that we can both do what we enjoy. If my husband resented the horses I doubt we would still be together, he can’t have one without the other.

 

[Midlifecrisis]

My OH isn’t horsey as such but he knew I rode regularly when we met..he stood by me when I broke my back in a riding accident and enabled and encouraged me to buy my own again when we were able to. I work and most of my money supports the horses and whilst he isn’t involved in day to day horsey life he has just spent last weekend helping me to move yards and this morning mat moving and poo picking. He is there when I need him and he knows how much I enjoy the lifestyle. We ve been together 30 years.

 

[paddi22]

I had the same arguement with my husband when we first married. I ended up going off and getting a picture of me hugging the pony I had when i was 6 and showing it to him and saying 'this is who you married and you either accept it or it isn't going to work'

I'm better now and we have a budget and he can see clearly where my discretionary spending is going. And in fairness it was no harm for me to cut down on absolutely splurging cash on luxury stuff for the horse. But once you are contributing a fair amount to the household then your money is your own like you say. I also had to make more of an effort on my part to give attention to him and do things together and that made him happier.

How long are you married? Mine stayed resentful for about a year and then just totally gave up. I think I broke his spirit lol! After about the fifth horse he just seemed to find it funny.

 

[Polos Mum]

Mine was living in a flat in London when I met him having never owned a goldfish in his life / childhood. He now gets my four horses in when I'm stuck at work, can skip out and top up hay if I'm away and dab hand a changing a rug or spotting an injury.

Personal space is great in any relationship - I'd encourage him to get a hobby of his own so he's not sat waiting for you all the time - golf, cycling, stamp collecting it doesn't matter - having outside interests and your own identities is a good thing.

 

[Tarragon]

I also have a non horsey husband who resents the time and money spent on the ponies and I fully appreciate how wearing it is on the soul to be faced with this constant wall of disapproval. Marriage is something that has to be worked on though and will require compromises and does have shared responsibilities. After 25 years we have a mutually satisfactory arrangement which suits us both (namely I still ride - but not as much as I could do! - and he still disapproves but says nothing )

 

[meleeka]

I don’t think I could be with someone who resented something that gave me so much pleasure. I think compromise is important, but so it accepting that you aren’t joined at the hip and having your own life and interests.

Mine is a workaholic and even encouraged my pony collection just so I don’t complain about the amount of time he works. I’m also too busy to worry about him going off on his mountain bike with his mates so it works perfectly!

 

[milliepops]

Another who has been there. Not fun and teenage strops are not a helpful way for an adult to communicate so this must be really wearing. Provided you are covering your share of the expenses and work to keep the house afloat, and do have time together as a couple then I agree with the others who suggest that maybe he needs an equally time consuming hobby.

My OH is horsey, doesn't have his own but can help out if need be. But he does have lots of other interests which mean we can easily spend a day apart very happily without any negativity.

 

[SEL]

I got mine golf lessons for a birthday. He now disappears all Sunday and I get all my horse related jobs done.

 

[milliepops]

A friend of mine has a very clingy husband and she weaned him onto golf too. A good time consuming activity

 

[Lissie2]

Married 13 years. Always ridden, shared or loaned horses but got my own last year so it is big adjustment x

 

[HappyHollyDays]

My husband was an airborn addict and flew whenever he wanted to. In return I went off cycling overseas for months on end whenever I wanted. Neither hobby was cheap but we only used personal money not the joint account. No animosity, no jealousy and if I was around on weekends he was flying I would go to the airfield with him and if I was competing he would come and support and cheer me on from the sidelines with the dog.

Don't understand relationships where either party doesn't give the other space. It makes for a much happier life.

 

[Shutterbug]

I'm a gaming widow to a man that spends more on upgrades on his Gaming PC than I do on hay in the winter. So he cant really talk although I know he secretly resents the time I spend with my horses. We have a deal that we have at least one date night a month and at least one night a week where I will come home from the yard having done the chores and he wont sit on his PC all night - we sometimes manage it

 

[Dave's Mam]

I'm a gaming widow to a man that spends more on upgrades on his Gaming PC than I do on hay in the winter. So he cant really talk although I know he secretly resents the time I spend with my horses. We have a deal that we have at least one date night a month and at least one night a week where I will come home from the yard having done the chores and he wont sit on his PC all night - we sometimes manage it

This is me & Dave's Da! He has no interest in ponies at all & has never even come to meet Dave, even though he bought him for me! Sure it takes all sorts.

 

[DaveSkywalker]

I don't get the strops at having a horsey OH. I wasn't horsey and hadn't actually been near a horse until meeting Elle. Took a few months for me to go to the yard but once there it started with me just doing the heavy lifting and leading them out. Now I'm the one usually doing them in the morning and helping out in the evening (although Elle does most of the mucking. Leave her the best jobs).

I don't ride. I have tried a few times but it just doesn't interest me so I play groom when out.

The only time I was annoyed was at competitions when I had nothing to do so was quite boring so I then started reading her dressage tests. It was much more enjoyable as I was a part of the fun.

I have my own hobby and she supports my running stupidly long distances and the training time it takes to do that.

I always thought you were supposed to be a team of you're together and support each other. Although I know the ponies are Elle's I consider them mine just as much.

 

[ElleSkywalker]

I don't get the strops at having a horsey OH. I wasn't horsey and hadn't actually been near a horse until meeting Elle. Took a few months for me to go to the yard but once there it started with me just doing the heavy lifting and leading them out. Now I'm the one usually doing them in the morning and helping out in the evening (although Elle does most of the mucking. Leave her the best jobs).

I don't ride. I have tried a few times but it just doesn't interest me so I play groom when out.

The only time I was annoyed was at competitions when I had nothing to do so was quite boring so I then started reading her dressage tests. It was much more enjoyable as I was a part of the fun.

I have my own hobby and she supports my running stupidly long distances and the training time it takes to do that.

I always thought you were supposed to be a team of you're together and support each other. Although I know the ponies are Elle's I consider them mine just as much.

Yip. Tis all true. He is a keeper and available for dressage test reading for a reasonable fee 😉

 

[Dave's Mam]

Yip. Tis all true. He is a keeper and available for dressage test reading for a reasonable fee 😉

Could he have a word with Dave's Da?

 

[ElleSkywalker]

Could he have a word with Dave's Da?

Yip sure however as Dave pony is so damn cute u might loose him entirely if Dave's Da meets him and decides ponies are cool. DSW frequently tries to steal Nev the super Shetland 😂

 

[Red-1]

My husband was totally non horsey when I met him, but he had a go at visiting them a few times when we first met and he was trying to impress me. Sadly, I then got injured at work and sold up. He could see I was not as happy without one, so as I got better several years later he went in cahoots with my mum to organise me to get another.

He was rather fed up with it all, but heroically tried to learn to ride so he could be a part of it. That did not last too long, even after he had a loan horse for 6 months, but it did make him think it would be nice to have stables at home.

We bought a place of our own and for the first year he hated it. The cold, the hard work and the Shetland pony that we had as a companion horse. But, when we got Charlie Horse he was entranced and learned to ride again, and for a while we had one each and went out riding all over, he even did dressage. I think it helped that it was at home, so he could pop out to help rather than having to talk with people at a livery yard. He became a groom and groomed for CCI, that was hard work but he was very proud. He drove (even took his HGV class 2), did studs, sports coached me, took the giddy horse off me when I was exhausted, washed off etc. I could not have done that without him.

Now he is FAB. He does most of the mucking out, cuts the fields, does everything except feet and plaits. I do have to be careful not to criticise as it has to be fun for him too. Sometimes this means things are not done quite as I would do it. That is good though, as just sometimes he is right and I am wrong.

 

[blitznbobs]

Sometimes this means things are not done quite as I would do it. That is good though, as just sometimes he is right and I am wrong

Surely not?..... 😇

 

[Meredith]

My OH is also not horsey but has built and mended anything required, cut hedges by hand, supported the children when they were small with their ponies, in fact he is always useful and supportive.
He has over the time of our marriage enjoyed a variety of sports and pastimes some of which occupied his time for weeks on end. I would never have stopped him.
Yes, we grumble at each other occasionally, but marriage is surely based on caring and compromise.
As a family we have always felt that giving someone freedom means they will want to return but being restrictive makes for friction and resentfulness.
I do hope you can resolve this happily OP but as others have said this is a problem to be solved carefully at home, not on a forum.
We can only share our experiences and hope they help you.
Best Wishes.

 

[McFluff]

As others have said, it’s all about compromise and balance. If you are financially able to keep the horse (without sever impact on the household budget), then it is about getting him to get a hobby (I’m a strong believer in personal space in a relationship) and perhaps even finding something that you can do together each week too.
My OH will come to the yard and has learnt how to get pony cuddles. He comes along to horse archery and really enjoys that as he is involved and we do that as a ‘family’.
Good luck with finding a resolution.

 

[Dave's Mam]

My husband was totally non horsey when I met him, but he had a go at visiting them a few times when we first met and he was trying to impress me. Sadly, I then got injured at work and sold up. He could see I was not as happy without one, so as I got better several years later he went in cahoots with my mum to organise me to get another.

He was rather fed up with it all, but heroically tried to learn to ride so he could be a part of it. That did not last too long, even after he had a loan horse for 6 months, but it did make him think it would be nice to have stables at home.

We bought a place of our own and for the first year he hated it. The cold, the hard work and the Shetland pony that we had as a companion horse. But, when we got Charlie Horse he was entranced and learned to ride again, and for a while we had one each and went out riding all over, he even did dressage. I think it helped that it was at home, so he could pop out to help rather than having to talk with people at a livery yard. He became a groom and groomed for CCI, that was hard work but he was very proud. He drove (even took his HGV class 2), did studs, sports coached me, took the giddy horse off me when I was exhausted, washed off etc. I could not have done that without him.

Now he is FAB. He does most of the mucking out, cuts the fields, does everything except feet and plaits. I do have to be careful not to criticise as it has to be fun for him too. Sometimes this means things are not done quite as I would do it. That is good though, as just sometimes he is right and I am wrong.

What a guy.

 

[Peregrine Falcon]

Mine gave me some money to buy a pony (the one in my avatar). She had a foal at the time and was in foal too. My old boy came to our wedding. He has never ridden but has shown them. He'll go and feed, poo pick and change rugs if necessary. My ponies are as much a part of me as my nose!!😀

You do have to compromise when in a relationship but I don't think I'd be happy with someone resenting my hobby and me spending my hard earned cash on my animals.

I have tried to encourage my husband to take up a hobby to no avail. I do make sure that we spend time together as a family though.

 

[Dave's Mam]

I don't get the strops at having a horsey OH. I wasn't horsey and hadn't actually been near a horse until meeting Elle. Took a few months for me to go to the yard but once there it started with me just doing the heavy lifting and leading them out. Now I'm the one usually doing them in the morning and helping out in the evening (although Elle does most of the mucking. Leave her the best jobs).

I don't ride. I have tried a few times but it just doesn't interest me so I play groom when out.

The only time I was annoyed was at competitions when I had nothing to do so was quite boring so I then started reading her dressage tests. It was much more enjoyable as I was a part of the fun.

I have my own hobby and she supports my running stupidly long distances and the training time it takes to do that.

I always thought you were supposed to be a team of you're together and support each other. Although I know the ponies are Elle's I consider them mine just as much.

You're cool.