Horse husbands

My husband comes from a horsey family and has a horse-related job, so when we first got together he didn’t want horses in his personal life as well (which made sense to me, albeit I was disappointed!) However, one Christmas I received a grooming kit in my stocking and a pair of riding boots - he confessed he had changed his mind as he knew how happy it would make me and also how it would help me to make friends (having moved to live with him in a new area).

Occasionally he gets frustrated with it all, but actually now we have my boy at home he’s far more chilled about it (I agree with the poster above - OH seems to prefer not having to go to the yard and make chitchat!) During my pregnancy he rode my boy for me and thoroughly enjoyed regaining his childhood delight and racing round the countryside at great speed!

I think crucially he knew what he was letting himself in for when we got my boy and I’ve always made sure that (a) I don’t ask him to help unless I really need it, and (b) we still have time together that isn’t horsey and he has time to do whatever he fancies (currently golf!)
 
My husband has ridden way way in the past, he's not ecstatic about helping me at rides but he does as he's not the most confident around horses, he is an engineer so has helped me in other ways such as building my horse box, stables and all the diy stuff, he refuses to buy me everyday horse gear which is fine by me and in all honesty I prefer it that way. He has his own hobby which vets him out of the house at least once a month and I make sure during the winter we do a fair amount of things together knowing I will be busy competing in the summer.
 
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OP, your husband’s behaviour says quite a lot about him. I would guess that the behaviour is less about your choice of hobby and more about you spending your time and money on something that you enjoy, and independently of him. This is worrying. Why can he not accept that you have something in your life that makes you happy, even though it is not what he would choose for himself?
Partners and spouses should support each other and appreciate the things that the other person does that brings meaning to their lives.
It is also SO much nicer to have a happy, relaxed person about the house! My OH is totally non-horsey, but when I come in stressed from work he practically pushes me out the door to get to the yard for ‘horse therapy’ (his term) because I am so much nicer to be around when I get back! Likewise, he is super outdoorsy: camping, airsoft, hiking, mountain biking etc. I loathe camping and am ok for a country walk but hiking is a bit much for me, but I will happily fetch and carry him and his gear if he decides to head off for some alone time. He has an unbelievably hectic job and needs time on his own to chill. Great for me, I get to watch all the TV I like!
I guess my point is that if one person in the relationship is trying to control what the other person does with their own time and money, through guilt and manipulation, this could potentially be indicative of a more general pattern of controlling behaviour.
 
My OH loves the horses, but rode work in racing yards when younger and then even had a yard of 14 himself at one stage so knows his way round them!

He freely admits that racing is the only disciplinehe has any knowledge of, and a fair few bad accidents did dent his confidence, but is happy to hop up if need be.

I will probably stick him on the baby TB a good few times before I get on just in case shes a demon 😂

We also have dogs...and by that I mean I tolerate the fact that he wants hundreds of them (slight exaggeration but only slight!). I love dogs, I have always had dogs, but 5 would probably be my happy maximum number. I think we have 11 st the moment, and although 4 of those are supposed to be rehomed I never count my chickens!

So I do get where the resentment side of things can creep in...things like holidays are non existent for us and thats purely down to canine numbers. By January I will have 2 boys under 2 and do wish we could do more family stuff but even long day trips, or weekends away, are impossible because the dogs cannot be left to fendfor themselves.

If I really disliked dogs then the issue would be a deal breaker for our relationship, as he is genuinely addicted to them to the extent that his life would be miserable without them! But I accept it with as little moaning as possible because he would support me 1000% in anything regardless of his own feelings about whatever it was I wanted to do
 
I'm another who had a husband who resented everything about the horses that I'd had all my life. He had no interests, so I tried to persuade him to find one, which he did and it became all consuming - to the point that he resented me for not being at every event he played at, even if I was working! After 12 years he gave me the 'It's me or the horses' ultimatum - I still have the horses! Mainly because he wasn't willing to compromise. My current OH isn't horsey, but will do any horsey chores willingly - I'm off to Gatwick tomorrow to pick up our respective Mum's who have been on holiday together, and this means on overnight stay for me - OH is doing my 3 boys, as well as the dogs and cats and working on Monday!
 
Lissie2 said:
Married 13 years. Always ridden, shared or loaned horses but got my own last year so it is big adjustment x
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Did you discuss the idea as a couple before you bought the horse? If you have shared and loaned horses during the marriage, how is the commitment different this time? Is it that you don't make time to spend with your OH away from the horse?
 
I can relate to how you feel. I'd always had horses growing up but had a break due to time and money whilst getting married/buying our first house. This was completely my decision. We often spoke about buying a horse in the future and when the time came we spent a lot of time talking/planning and it was by no means a quick decision. My husband is more than happy with the time/money (I'm very lucky in that respect) but doesn't want to be a part of it. If he comes to the yard, (normally if it makes sense i.e we're passing) he's hands in pockets, looking at his phone asking when I'll be done, very much resembling a stroppy teanager. I've been surprised by his determination to not be a part of it. If I'm worried about something horse related he really doesn't want to know. Its been a surprise and at times I've felt lonely but I've learnt to accept it. I avoid taking him, see it as my time and never rush. My horse will always have want she needs (and some!) as she's my responsibility. Slightly different to your situation but I think I have an inkling of how you feel 😞
 
Having read this thread has made me realise I need to be far more grateful to my long suffering husband. He was a real townie 20 years ago and had never touched a horse. Now he runs the yard, keeps it as tidy as possible, mends everything and is capable of doing most things with the horses. I know he will never get on one and he tells me he doesn't get attached to them, but this rather lovely picture suggests he is fibbing.

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AdorableAlice said:
Having read this thread has made me realise I need to be far more grateful to my long suffering husband. He was a real townie 20 years ago and had never touched a horse. Now he runs the yard, keeps it as tidy as possible, mends everything and is capable of doing most things with the horses. I know he will never get on one and he tells me he doesn't get attached to them, but this rather lovely picture suggests he is fibbing.

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Yes, reading it has made me appreciate mine even more too. He professes to hate horses, but sneaks an apple and a fuss when he thinks he is not being watched. I have flown off to America a few times and he would not hear of anyone else doing them, just took some time off work to stay behind and hold the fort.

At one time he had this "thing" that horses had to be finished by 4pm. We worked opposite shifts at the time, so it was indeed possible to have them in, fed and done by 4pm. I was not allowed to go and check after this time. After he had Charlie Horse he changed completely: when he was on earlies he would scoop the poop at 4.30am. Now he insists on a 9.30 poop scoop and hay top up. In fact, it is a long standing battle for me to keep them left out if it is rainy or the flies are out, he prefers them in, as he perceives that they are more comfortable in.

TBH, as he is taking such pleasure from it and therefore enhancing all of our lives, I just have to accept that sometimes what he says, goes. People ask how I got him involved, and this is the answer. I allowed him to take some ownership so he does not feel like he is being instructed all of the time. Sometimes I have had to shut my eyes and mouth, but as I said above, sometimes his way has proved right...
 
My oh does the same job as me. He work rides racehorses for another yard. He doesn't want a horse of his own. He doesn't begrudge me the time I spend with my own at all. Yeah sometimes he will nark if I am away showing and get up super early but that's just because he cares - ie I try not to wake him at 4am but that's not always possible 😂😂😂

He has his football and enjoys nipping to the pub for a pint or 2 catching up with people. I always try to get home for 7.30pm at the very latest. But if I am getting ponies sorted for showing the next day it will be later but he always knows when I will be home before 9pm so it doesn't bother him.

He has always said he would help out if ever needed just don't expect it every day. I have only ever asked him to help once in 7 years - when the wee coloured job got himself stuck in the ditch and we had to drag him out. He rode one of my Shetlands once. And nearly fell off! I have yet to get him to a show but in all honesty it would bore the pants off of him! But I will get him to the Highland Show one day as there's a lot to see and do, not just horses.

I have almost persuaded him that our summer holiday next year should be up to the Shetland Islands in the 3rd week of July and take a pony or 2 for the Shetland Breed show whilst we are at it 😂😂

I guess I am incredibly lucky!
 
I’ve always paid for my horses. I work part time. Made sure there was a meal ready at night. Kept the house tidy. Looked after the children. The day my husband walked out in the spring of this year, one of the reasons he gave for having an affair was because all I cared about were the horses. It wasn’t true at all. But thinking back he never helped me at the yard. Never wanted to know how my lesson went. In fact, I didn’t really talk about them as it caused an atmosphere.
 
Yep AA, this thread has made me appreciate mine too.
He was completely non horsey before I met him too, but I distinctly remember deciding that he was a keeper a few months in when he said something along the lines of "they just have such amazing personalities, I never realised". I remember just thinking "oh thank God, he gets it".

And the rest is history :cool:
 
exracehorse said:
I’ve always paid for my horses. I work part time. Made sure there was a meal ready at night. Kept the house tidy. Looked after the children. The day my husband walked out in the spring of this year, one of the reasons he gave for having an affair was because all I cared about were the horses. It wasn’t true at all. But thinking back he never helped me at the yard. Never wanted to know how my lesson went. In fact, I didn’t really talk about them as it caused an atmosphere.
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I believe the reason he had an affair is that he is a dick. Hope you are ok xx
 
My oh is not into horses but he pays for mine and he was the one who said we should get a house with stables, so I am very lucky he will get them in or put them out but he can't even work out how to put a head collar on, but luckily they bring themselves in if the gate is opened.

I don't think I could be with someone that resented my horses as they are a massive part of my life.
 
Mine isn't interested in getting on board, but does help out sometimes. When I broke my arm he basically looked after them for 4 weeks! He does have his own interests, though. It would be nice to get him on one someday, but our own hobbies are our time away from each other. He does come to Hickstead and other events and I go to his lorry runs/rallies. Token efforts from us both!
 
ElleSkywalker said:
I believe the reason he had an affair is that he is a dick. Hope you are ok xx
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^^ this.
FFS people will come up with all kinds of pants excuses for their appalling behaviour.

I really appreciate mine too :) Having ditched one yonks ago who pulled the "it's me or the horses" line ... honestly why would you even put that question to someone, it's clear which way that is going to go!
 
I actually prefer being in a relationship with a bloke who doesn’t want to be involved with the horses. It’s my thing and my time I really hate when someone is there trying to be helpful (when in reality they are probably trying to speed me up so we can get home quicker!). Although them being resentful of it is not ok- horses are in my blood and Id feel that the person just wasn’t suited to me if that was the case.

I had a serious relationship end after 2 years because of the horses. Delightful chap sent me a text, of all things, to tell me he couldn’t do it anymore. I never heard from him again.
 
Hearing about the dick like behaviour of others partners makes me appreciate my hubby more I forget that amongst his annoying, hoarding, messy, sock leaving in really weird places, inability to put something in the bin (rather than ON the bin), glass buying, Amazon buying behaviours and his penchant for very expensive coats , there is actually a pretty great guy.

Hugs to those who’ve put or are putting up with the cockwombles of the world... and thanks for the reminder.

Ps if he’s not treating you right, get shut and get on with your life with out that negative influence you’re other half is supposed to want more of what makes you you - not less....
 
Some really lovely posts on here, when I met my OH I had just bought my first pony as an adult, he was fab, walked miles with Me and the pony, decided it must be just like riding a motorbike so vaulted on bareback and went for a canter 😁😁😍
18 years on, we have a smallholding and other rented grazing and a herd of 9 Dales ponies, he tries not to like them, and will help with fencing etc, but generally just puts up with it all. Love him lots xxxxxx🤣

He does have his own hobbies too which is important. I had my first ever ride on the back of a Lambretta last week, not as bad as I thought, but it meant a lot to him x
 
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Simple solution - get rid of the husband 😜
Sorry couldn't resist. My husband to be is also horsey so I've never had any issues with him. However I had a very resentful non horsey ex. He hated the time I spent with my loan mare at the time. He had no understanding of the time and commitment horses take. Yet it was perfectly acceptable for him to spend hours in the gym!
You are entitled to a life and a hobby of your own. Make sure you make time for your husband but he must also understand you are not being unreasonable for having interests outside your marriage.
 
Another vote for golf. It’s as expensive and time-consuming as horsing, and you can both be obsessed by the weather reports and what the ground conditions are like.
 
Also counting my blessings here... my OH rode a bit as a child but isn't really horsey. He's always encouraged me, used to come to dressage competitions for moral support/fetching/holding things. When we got together he took riding lessons and bought me a surprise all day hack across the Brecon Beacons with him, for my birthday. He even managed to have a canter across the mountain! It was all a secret, he was in cahoots with my yard manager and friend, who was giving him the lessons and trying to get him up to standard in time for him to be able to do the ride! It was the nicest and most romantic (to me) thing anyone has ever done for me. He comes to help out at the yard (especially now that I'm very pregnant... he does all the nasty jobs, heavy lifting, scrubbing water buckets etc). He's just wonderful. I'm sure it does annoy him sometimes, how long I can spend there on the weekend, or that we don't have a lie in together on Saturday/Sunday, but he knows it's my therapy and he seems genuinely fond of my horse. He has his motorbikes, and OK that doesn't take up that much of his time as he doesn't ride out with friends etc much these days - but he does take at least one biking holiday per year, goes off for a week or so with his mate, and that's absolutely fine. I wish he'd do more actually, I want him to have a fulfilling hobby, he's just had bad luck with his bikes the past couple of years so no track days etc; and since his brother had a bad accident a couple of years ago and gave up bikes, he doesn't really have anyone that he'd want to go out and ride with.

My ex wasn't supportive of me really, if he came to the yard he would just stare at his phone and moan about his precious trainers getting dirty. He came to one competition with me and just stared at his phone the whole time then too, may as well not have been there.

It'll be interesting to see how we cope when the baby arrives... I hope we can make it work and have a balance where we can both still do our hobbies to a satisfactory level.

If it were "it's me or the horse" - well I can't even imagine, he'd never give me that ultimatum!

I'm off to give my OH a big hug now and tell him how wonderful he is.
 
another lucky wife here-I'm not sure I could be with someone who resented the horses. Mine was an utter townie, he adored my last horse and cried when we had to have him PTS and stayed with him. he paid for the next one and when I decided he wasnt the horse for me supported me putting him on loan and paid for the next one (I had spent a lot on pro schooling). he doesnt do much with them other than check them for me when I'm not about but is genuinely fond of them and helps out driving the truck etc if I need him to. He cycles and goes out with his friends, we arent in each other's pockets but always make time for each other.
 
Some years (15+) ago my Gran told my Mum to get my Dad some golf lessons, because it keeps them out the house for hours and out the way. We had no horses at that point but it was actually his idea to build the house they have now and use the family owned field behind for some ponies- he might regret that now!

We bought a 4x4 on the proviso he could take it to golf, unforunately for him that was usually a sunday so....

He is genuinely scared of the horses even though he has lived with the same two for 13/14 years. He generally will not go out into the field that they are in. However in his retirement he has got quite good at poo picking if they aren't in the field, and did get a bit obsessive over treading divots in last winter which was never an issues when he was at work!

He currently plays golf 4/5 days a week in summer ;) Gran was right ;)

I wouldn't mind anyone not being interested in them but I couldn't be with someone who resented the time spent with them so long as I was pulling my weight effort and money wise in our mutual living arrangements.
 
Hands up as another very lucky wife!
Hubby wasn't "horsey" at all before we met, He tried riding my schoolmaster and we got as far as a trot but he ACTUALLY PREFERS poo picking and mucking out :eek:

He half owns our TB and will come to the stables most days to help out and he of course if the long suffering unpaid groom at shows. He enjoys the time outdoors and never moans about the smells from the yard.

I couldn't handle being in a relationship with someone who resented the horses / me spending time with the horses......it's part of who I am and thus "the package"
 
Eurgh. There's something about men sulking and having a temper tantrum that really makes me cringe, ESPECIALLY when it's because they aren't getting their own way. Not liking horses/the money spent on them is fair enough, but to strop and act like a baby... nope!
 
I’m also very lucky. I have a non horsey husband who will change rugs/ poo pick/ fix fencing etc as and when I need help. He bought me a trailer and towing vehicle and will come with me to competitions if I want him to. He also doesn’t mind when I accidentally acquire another pony! (I have 7!!) He has all of his own interests too which I wouldn’t dream of making a fuss about. I would say that a couple who don’t allow their other half freedom to have their own interests are not suited to each other and need to rethink their relationship.
 
Another lucky wife here! My hubby isnt horsey but will poo pick, feed when asked and generally do what i need him to. He isnt practical, although will help with fencing but encourages me to spend time doing horse orientated things. He adds to my pony fund birthdays and Christmases and is genuinely looking forward to me getting my own horse again when the finances allow.

He has his golf and it is his thing. I ask how it went, but don't get involved and have never suggested we play a round of golf together (he would cry if i suggested that!) It is his bit of independence and the horses are mine.
 
My Husbands friends always ask how he gets to train every night of the week and attend so many competitions with staying away? he does a martial art (Brazilian Jiu Jitzu)? he replies its easy..... Buy her a horse then she has no time to complain, and we've just renewed our wedding vows after 25 years and the romantic sod had a silver wedding ring made with my horses tail hair.
OP get your OH into his own hobby
 
Mine frequently gets told "The horses were here a long time before you and will be a long time after you!" This is obviously tongue in cheek but he knows it's true!
He's generally pretty good but does have the odd whinge now and again, especially as he works shifts. He does get a bit annoyed if I'm at an all day thing when he's got a rare Sunday off but understands if it's something important. The only thing that he really hates is when I'm home much later than I say I'm going to be, partly as he gets worried something's happened (he will always assume the worst in any situation!) and partly as he likes us to do something after I get back. I've learned now to add a couple of hours on to my ETA and he's then happy that I'm home early!

The calendar is king in our house. All his shifts are on it and all my important dates go on it as soon as I know them. Any joint things like weddings etc also go on it so we know exactly where we stand. I try to avoid doing anything all day if he has a day off on a weekend. On those days I get up early to ride and am home by about 10.30 so we have the rest of the day togather. If I am doing something on his days off, as long as he knows about it plenty in advance he'll arrange to go and do something else. He has his own hobby but that tends to take him away for days at a time a few times a year rather than a few hours once or twice a week.

He doesn't really get involved with the horses and even huffed and puffed when he had to hold the ladder for me to scrub the roof of the horse trailer on the drive the other day (even though he was the one nagging me to clean it!). He's mucked out once for me - when I was so ill I physically couldn't. Even then he had to take me with him in the car and park me on the yard so I could tell him how to do it. It suits me though - he used to come with me now and again and would get so bored with all the hanging around that he'd be asking 'how much longer' all the time. He'd also want to drive all the time and, while he's an excellent driver, he's been trained to drive fast and I won't let him do that with my boys on board!

He never ever moans about money though. He keeps asking when I'll be getting another as my two are both 22 now and how much of our savings I'll be needing for the next one. He has a habit of buying cars on a whim but knows he has to leave some for a horse. He asked me the other day if £10k was enough and was amazed when i said I could buy 3 of the sort of horse I'd want for that!
 
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