J&S
Well-Known Member
But it isn't "simple" is it. Need I say more?
Horse vs partner
- Thread starter Astara92
- Start date
Sossigpoker
Well-Known Member
(Edited as quoted the wrong post )
This is what I would suggest that OP has a think about :
Are you happy?
If you aren't, what would your relationship look like if you were happy in it ?
Is it possible to turn this relationship into one where you will be happy?
You only have one life, would be a shame to waste it bowing down to someone else's will and not doing the things that bring you joy.
Staying for the sake of the child will just result in a slightly older child who will think that an unhappy home is the norm.
It's 2021, almost 2022, there is no need to stay in a relationship for the sake of the child in this age.
This is what I would suggest that OP has a think about :
Are you happy?
If you aren't, what would your relationship look like if you were happy in it ?
Is it possible to turn this relationship into one where you will be happy?
You only have one life, would be a shame to waste it bowing down to someone else's will and not doing the things that bring you joy.
Staying for the sake of the child will just result in a slightly older child who will think that an unhappy home is the norm.
It's 2021, almost 2022, there is no need to stay in a relationship for the sake of the child in this age.
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TotalMadgeness
Well-Known Member
My first husband dumped me - ostensibly because of the horse. But he just wanted to be free and blame me for the end of the marriage so he could look like the good guy. I was left heart broken, unbelievably lonely and completely baffled by the split at the time. Its only 20 years later it makes sense!
Clodagh
Well-Known Member
It may be fairly simple if you are just seeing someone, but if you live together and have a child it is a different kettle of fish altogether. It is heart breaking, challenging and many times you think it would be easier not to make the break.
One day though you look back and think thank goodness for that.
J&S, I realise I am agreeing with you.
YorkshireLady
Well-Known Member
whatever you do don't sell the horse! That is my only advice really.....make sure it is there whatever, its your thing that is truly yours and I am sure gets you through bad days and weeks.
If that is gone I would be even more worried for your mental health than I already am...I have been in a situation with a controlling man and the other aspect here is that the horse gives you contacts and friends...and makes it very hard for them to totally cut you off from others.
You can try counselling etc but I am not sure he will want to or will wholeheartedly do it from what you say. If the horse goes he will find something else....clothes...who you can see.....what you have cooked...anything else to chip confidence.
If that is gone I would be even more worried for your mental health than I already am...I have been in a situation with a controlling man and the other aspect here is that the horse gives you contacts and friends...and makes it very hard for them to totally cut you off from others.
You can try counselling etc but I am not sure he will want to or will wholeheartedly do it from what you say. If the horse goes he will find something else....clothes...who you can see.....what you have cooked...anything else to chip confidence.
Annagain
Well-Known Member
I normally try to provide a balanced response on these threads and talk about ways to compromise e.g. my OH works shifts so I try not to do all day things if he's off at a weekend because we don't get many together. On those days I get up early to ride and am home by 10. However, it does sound like you're the only one making any sort of compromise here and he still wants more and wants to control what you do. It doesn't sound like your horsey time eats into your time with him or family time at all, whereas 'family time' is actually you and your son following him round while he does what he wants. This really isn't about the horse.
He says you getting rid of the horse will make things better - I'd ask him to list the specific ways in which things would change and how that would improve you relationship. Will you spend more time together? What will you do with that time? Will you (personally and as a couple) be happier? Will he be any more attentive to you and his son? Will he see more of his son? Will you feel less like a single parent? Will it improve your financial situation (if that is an issue) and what will you do with the freed up money?
I think someone needs to point out to him that when you leave him and he has his son every other weekend on his own, he won't be able to go off playing motorbikes with combined fan club / childcare in tow. On the nights your son is with him, you won't be there to put him to bed at 6.30 while he sits around drinking /smoking weed. He's got an exceptionally good deal as it is and if he can't see that, the problem is his and his alone.
You say it's difficult to leave because you've been with him so long - I get that the but the longer it goes on the harder it will be. You say it's hard to leave because of your son but you already feel like a single parent so it can't be any worse - if anything, you'll have more free time because your son will have set days with his dad. You sound like an incredibly strong person dealing with everything you are dealing with at the moment. Use that strength to stand up to him once and for all.
He says you getting rid of the horse will make things better - I'd ask him to list the specific ways in which things would change and how that would improve you relationship. Will you spend more time together? What will you do with that time? Will you (personally and as a couple) be happier? Will he be any more attentive to you and his son? Will he see more of his son? Will you feel less like a single parent? Will it improve your financial situation (if that is an issue) and what will you do with the freed up money?
I think someone needs to point out to him that when you leave him and he has his son every other weekend on his own, he won't be able to go off playing motorbikes with combined fan club / childcare in tow. On the nights your son is with him, you won't be there to put him to bed at 6.30 while he sits around drinking /smoking weed. He's got an exceptionally good deal as it is and if he can't see that, the problem is his and his alone.
You say it's difficult to leave because you've been with him so long - I get that the but the longer it goes on the harder it will be. You say it's hard to leave because of your son but you already feel like a single parent so it can't be any worse - if anything, you'll have more free time because your son will have set days with his dad. You sound like an incredibly strong person dealing with everything you are dealing with at the moment. Use that strength to stand up to him once and for all.
nagblagger
Well-Known Member
I think you are aware of what needs to be done, its just getting prepared and the timing right so have minimal disruption to your son. (and keep your horse for your mental health!) Reading through this thread i hope that you are aware that this 'forum family' will be there to support you throughout. That's what true horsey people do !
ihatework
Well-Known Member
Sorry you are in this position.
The only reason I would be selling the horse at this point is if you would need the money to leave your partner. If you don’t need the money then selling the horse won’t change things.
In all honesty I’d plan for this relationship to break down. Make sure you have your own bank account, have access to all key documents relating to accounts/policies/house stuff/car etc. Plan where you might go with your son if the worst happens (it most likely won’t, but doesn’t hurt to be cautious).
Id probably look for a sharer if you can. Not for him, but for you. Whatever happens I suspect you will probably need support over the coming weeks/months.
Id not say ‘get out of there’, but I would say the relationship has to change and fast. And it will be on him to change it. It’s probably ultimatum time and you need to be ready to see it through if he doesn’t step up (and it’s highly likely he won’t). He goes to therapy to get control of his addictions and behaviour, he follows through, he drops this manchild ? about the horse or he can feck right off.
The only reason I would be selling the horse at this point is if you would need the money to leave your partner. If you don’t need the money then selling the horse won’t change things.
In all honesty I’d plan for this relationship to break down. Make sure you have your own bank account, have access to all key documents relating to accounts/policies/house stuff/car etc. Plan where you might go with your son if the worst happens (it most likely won’t, but doesn’t hurt to be cautious).
Id probably look for a sharer if you can. Not for him, but for you. Whatever happens I suspect you will probably need support over the coming weeks/months.
Id not say ‘get out of there’, but I would say the relationship has to change and fast. And it will be on him to change it. It’s probably ultimatum time and you need to be ready to see it through if he doesn’t step up (and it’s highly likely he won’t). He goes to therapy to get control of his addictions and behaviour, he follows through, he drops this manchild ? about the horse or he can feck right off.
Hepsibah
Well-Known Member
I was in a situation with a man like that. I had three children, no friends, no job and in his words, without him I didn't have a pot to p*ss in or a window to throw it out of. I was with him 17 years and by the end I was certain I was embarrassing, stupid and unlikable. I developed severe social anxiety and was genuinely pathetic. I was so sure it was me, that if I could make him happy I could be happy too. I tried so hard to be what he wanted but whatever I did, there was always something I got wrong.
There was no horse in my situation. I did once get a job to keep the payments up on the mortgage when he had an accident that kept him off work for a couple of months. It was nice being somewhere I was valued for what I was doing so when I was asked to stay on after the temp contract was over I accepted happily. My husband didn't like it so when he was able to go back to work he rang my workplace to quit my job for me.
I had no power in my marriage. I stayed far longer than I should have because I didn't feel able to leave. I didn't want to be responsible for it not working out. I was scared that he was right about me.
He wasn't.
The best advice I was given was "Don't waste your time on people for whom you can do nothing right." xx
There was no horse in my situation. I did once get a job to keep the payments up on the mortgage when he had an accident that kept him off work for a couple of months. It was nice being somewhere I was valued for what I was doing so when I was asked to stay on after the temp contract was over I accepted happily. My husband didn't like it so when he was able to go back to work he rang my workplace to quit my job for me.
I had no power in my marriage. I stayed far longer than I should have because I didn't feel able to leave. I didn't want to be responsible for it not working out. I was scared that he was right about me.
He wasn't.
The best advice I was given was "Don't waste your time on people for whom you can do nothing right." xx
Peglo
Well-Known Member
Can I firstly say what an amazing, strong, kind, considerate person you are. Your son is very lucky to have you.
secondly please don’t give up your horse unless that is something you, and you alone, want to do (which it clearly seems you don’t)
My OH isn’t horsey, doesn’t really care about them but knows how much they mean to me, and if he is wanting to spend time with me, he comes out and helps. He’s very understanding and never complains about leaving somewhere early so I can look after my horses. I told him from the start they come first and he (for some unknown reason to me) accepted me anyway. But I’m also committed to him as much as I am to the horses.
The fact you don’t ride as often as you like, you take your boy with you to the stables and your still home before him each night shows you are compromising for him.
My mother is an alcoholic. She’s a nice person but horrible drunk and will never admit she has a problem. She blames the world for anything that went wrong in her life.
I don’t have anything to do with her. I’m probably a selfish person but life’s too short to deal with people who makes you unhappy or stressed and won’t help themselves.
I agree with everyone that says his substance abuse is the problem. I mean he’s jealous of a horse? Unless he sorts his issues things are only going to get worse for you and possibly even your son when he gets older. It’s so hard when you’ve been together so long and it’s what your used to but I worry his behaviour might escalate until your completely reliant on him and have no confidence left to make decisions for yourself.
you are in a tricky situation with your son. Can I ask if you’ve spoken to your dad or friends about it and what they think? They seem supportive of your horse, do you think they would be sad you got rid of her for him? If you decided to leave him would they be able to support you?
secondly please don’t give up your horse unless that is something you, and you alone, want to do (which it clearly seems you don’t)
My OH isn’t horsey, doesn’t really care about them but knows how much they mean to me, and if he is wanting to spend time with me, he comes out and helps. He’s very understanding and never complains about leaving somewhere early so I can look after my horses. I told him from the start they come first and he (for some unknown reason to me) accepted me anyway. But I’m also committed to him as much as I am to the horses.
The fact you don’t ride as often as you like, you take your boy with you to the stables and your still home before him each night shows you are compromising for him.
My mother is an alcoholic. She’s a nice person but horrible drunk and will never admit she has a problem. She blames the world for anything that went wrong in her life.
I don’t have anything to do with her. I’m probably a selfish person but life’s too short to deal with people who makes you unhappy or stressed and won’t help themselves.
I agree with everyone that says his substance abuse is the problem. I mean he’s jealous of a horse? Unless he sorts his issues things are only going to get worse for you and possibly even your son when he gets older. It’s so hard when you’ve been together so long and it’s what your used to but I worry his behaviour might escalate until your completely reliant on him and have no confidence left to make decisions for yourself.
you are in a tricky situation with your son. Can I ask if you’ve spoken to your dad or friends about it and what they think? They seem supportive of your horse, do you think they would be sad you got rid of her for him? If you decided to leave him would they be able to support you?
lynz88
Well-Known Member
No need to be rude. I think as humans we have a habit of looking at all of the technical details rather than really simplifying a situation. As someone else said, it is different when it is a bf vs living together and have a child. However, when you simplify the situation and remove emotion and all technicalities, the answer does seem obvious and actually simple. The details about what you do about it and how you do it is not so simple. Have enough non horsey friends who have wound up in similar situations with kids involved, etc.
J&S
Well-Known Member
No rudeness ever intended, just a statement of fact. Please accept my apology.
Ratface
Well-Known Member
I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this situation. You come across as an excellent mother to your son, a much-loved daughter/birth-family member, a good and committed horse owner and an overall lovely woman.
From my previous professional experience, your son's father is behaving in a manner that is common amongst people with destructive addictions. They refuse to take responsibility for their own actions.
There's an old joke in counselling circles: "how many people does it take to change a light bulb? One, but the light bulb has to want to change".
Your "light bulb" can't/doesn't want to.
Please consider making a plan:
don't tell your son's father about this. Talk honestly with your family. Identify the dangers you and your son face, on a daily basis. Identify the things/people that make you both happy.
The plan should ensure maximum physical and emotional safety for you and your son.
Involve the police if necessary.
Good luck.
From my previous professional experience, your son's father is behaving in a manner that is common amongst people with destructive addictions. They refuse to take responsibility for their own actions.
There's an old joke in counselling circles: "how many people does it take to change a light bulb? One, but the light bulb has to want to change".
Your "light bulb" can't/doesn't want to.
Please consider making a plan:
don't tell your son's father about this. Talk honestly with your family. Identify the dangers you and your son face, on a daily basis. Identify the things/people that make you both happy.
The plan should ensure maximum physical and emotional safety for you and your son.
Involve the police if necessary.
Good luck.
Annagain
Well-Known Member
I completely agree with 95% of this but at this stage there is no reason to involve the police. There is no suggestion that OP and her child are facing 'danger on a daily basis' or that they're not safe, just that her partner is behaving in a controlling way and attempting to manipulate her. I absolutely know coercive behaviour is a crime and a very real problem for many people but what her partner is doing at the moment, while not acceptable, is not criminal. Neither is there anything to suggest this man is violent from the information here.
I absolutely believe she should talk to him very honestly and leave if there are no changes in the way he is behaving but I don't think trying to scare her into thinking she's in danger is the way to encourage her do it. It could in fact have the opposite effect if you make her believe she needs a plan to "ensure maximum physical and emotional safety" for her and her son when she leaves.
9tails
Well-Known Member
I commend you for this excellent post.