Horse vs partner

[AmyMay]

Bin him. Good luck

 

[FestiveG]

To answer your questions..
He thinks by me not having the horse would make our relationship better.
I do enjoy his company but also like so have my own time and space.
We have been together 8 years.
Unfortunately he has a bit of a substance abuse problem and he thinks by me being up the stables I'm not being there and supporting him even tho I have tried in many ways over the years to help and support him I even gave up my job to work with him and he still continued to do it. I just feel like he's blaming the horse for all of his problems.

The substance abuse information adds yet another layer to this. That problem is his to sort out, not yours. It sounds as if he needs help with a number of emotional issues, but professional help, not yours.

 

[PapaverFollis]

Yeah. He needs to sort himself out. It isn't your job to nanny him. Choose the horse.

 

[COldNag]

I'm with Amymay.
Life's too short.
Bin him.
You deserve better.

 

[SO1]

I think this is quite complicated as he feels that your relationship is not working or he is unhappy for some reason and the only thing that is easy to change is you not having a horse.

He needs to seak professional help for his substance abuse problem if he is not already getting that help. Maybe if could get his substance abuse resolved he may be better able to deal with his feelings about the horse.

I would not sell the horse as you need an outlet and some space for your mental health.

I expect he has some insecurities or other issues that have lead to self medicating through substance abuse.

He is unhappy he thinks it is because of the horse but way more complicated than that. Selling the horse will probably not solve your relationship problems as it may not be the cause of his problems.

To answer your questions..
He thinks by me not having the horse would make our relationship better.
I do enjoy his company but also like so have my own time and space.
We have been together 8 years.
Unfortunately he has a bit of a substance abuse problem and he thinks by me being up the stables I'm not being there and supporting him even tho I have tried in many ways over the years to help and support him I even gave up my job to work with him and he still continued to do it. I just feel like he's blaming the horse for all of his problems.

 

[piebaldproblems]

My experience with bikers is that they’ve always been very attached to their bikes, and so have no problems understanding my attachment to a horse.

I can see where your OH is coming from (the jealousy issue) but it’s a deeply unhealthy and potentially dangerous place to be. The only way I can see this working out is if he seeks therapy and genuinely puts the work in.

 

[Arzada]

Reading your latest post you must keep your horse. Selling your horse won't solve his issues just as giving up work didn't solve them either. TBH, and it's easy to say this but hard to do, I think it's time to separate.

 

[Archangel]

and now he's had enough of being with someone who hasn't got a "normal life".

In what way does he think his substance abuse is a normal life.

 

[Pearlsacarolsinger]

Sounds exactly like my partner then! He also says how unhealthy is it and not normal for me to be up the farm all the time. Reckons that I'm an adult now and I can't just do my hobby all the time and I need to get a grip and get into the real world ??.

And yet he spends time with his motortbikes? It's not you who needs to grow up!

 

[The Irish Draft 2022]

Tell him if he doesn’t cop on and appreciate your interests then he can jog on.

 

[Pearlsacarolsinger]

Thank you so much for your kind reply!
All of what I have said is correct and that's why I feel so confused by it all because I know what I'm doing isn't wrong but he's making me believe that I'm in the wrong and that my life isn't normal because I have a time consuming hobby

That is absolutely classic co-ersive control! Don't let him do this to you!

 

[Darkly_Dreaming_Dex]

A dear friend is in the middle of this right now ? suddenly OH hated horses, found her boring etc she spent a fortnight in hell trying to work out/ negotiate what the problem was and then he upped & left one morning to move in with a friend of theirs - looks like he was just trying to find a way to ditch their marriage without being labelled an adulterer but couldn’t wait any longer
Utter W️

 

[Pearlsacarolsinger]

Why would you want to bring up your child in a household where a substance abuser is trying to control your behaviour but can't/doesn't control his own?

 

[Dave's Mam]

I wouldn't normally post on a thread such as this, but this is an awful situation & your addition that he has substance abuse issues throws a whole new light on it. He's being controlling of you because he lacks control over himself.
I'm not keen to say dump him, but it's on the tip of my tongue. You need to consider you & your child.

 

[Shilasdair]

A partner who loves you should make your life easier and happier, not demand that you sacrifice your happiness for his.

Life is short, if your horse makes you happy, enjoy him.

 

[SO1]

I don't think the problem is your horse. In some scenarios it might be due to lack of time and money but in this case I think his substance abuse and associated mental health problems are they underlying causes.

If he wants to save the relationship he needs professional help to address his substance abuse and his feelings towards the horse.

I think you need to stand firm and say you will not consider selling the horse until he get his substance abuse problem resolved. Once that is resolved you will be able to have a more rational conversation about the horse. In the meantime you could consider getting a sharer if he feels he needs more time/emotional support in order to solve his substance abuse problem.

 

[Highflinger]

Having seen the additional info there is no doubt in my mind that you are being emotionally manipulated and he is chipping away at your confidence.. He will not change and it will just get worse . If you don't get out he will wear you down until you become totally controlled and isolated. I am sorry to be blunt but you need to take control and end the relationship. He sounds like a sociopath. It will be hard to start with but in the long run far healthier for both you and your son.

 

[Christmascinnamoncookie]

You are close! He has mentioned another child but I have firmly shut the conversation down!

I am so un-amazed!

Substance abuse? You mean he sits rounds all day smoking weed and staring at his phone? Honestly, OP, is this the role model you want your son to grow up emulating?

 

[littleshetland]

He needs help, professional help and you must not give up your horse. If you do, you will face a lifetime of simmering resentment and anger towards him, this is not a good environment to raise a child in. Why should you give up the thing that is yours and yours alone and brings you joy? It sounds like he needs help to get him off the 'substances' so he can start thinking straight and realise what an arsehole he's being....or just ditch him. Whatever you decide to do I wish you all the very best. Please keep us posted on how things work out.

 

[Merry neddy man]

Having just read the full thread it's 100% time to say goodbye, not easy to do but you have to think of the future for your son and yourself, my Male point of view is NOW is the time to tell him to go.

 

[meleeka]

He’s latched onto the horse being the problem because he wants to absolve himself of any blame. His substance abuse is most likely the cause of your relationship issues and that’s a choice he’s making, whether or not he believes it’s a choice. He needs to seek professional help to sort that out first. Nobody will ever make him happy no matter how much they are there supporting him. Only he can do that and will benefit from precessional help to see that.

 

[Winters100]

I'm so sorry for the situation that you find yourself in. It is easy to say 'ditch him', but with a child involved it is not so easy.

All relationships require compromise, but in all honesty I wonder whether this is really about the horse. It sounds to me as if you are already compromising, not riding as much as you might, suggesting a share etc. Yes, you might need to try to understand where he is coming from, but he also needs to understand and respect your position.

I would really recommend taking a hard look at the whole relationship, and seeing if maybe having a third party to help you might be of benefit. Ultimately you need to compromise, but not be bullied.

I can say that many OHs are not horsey, mine included, but it can work if everyone wants it to. Do remember that your voice also counts in this and you need to make sure that you are not pushed into a corner.

Edited to add that I just read about the substance abuse part. It is not the horse, it is about having someone / something to blame for his problems. He needs help, and you probably also need help to deal with the situation. I would recommend a chat with your GP as a first step. He may view it as disloyalty, but long term he needs to resolve the problem, for his own sake and for the sake of your son.

 

[Rowreach]

I don’t normally comment on these sort of posts but I’ve read the whole thing and this isn’t about the horse at all, this is about you and your child living with a substance abuser whose behaviour is becoming increasingly irrational. Bluntly, it’s your child who should come first.

 

[Upthecreek]

Unfortunately it sounds very much like you are in a relationship with someone who will look for anyone or anything to blame for the situation rather than taking responsibility for it. It’s a sad situation because he probably is truly convinced that getting rid of the horse is the solution, but that is a very selfish viewpoint. He is only thinking about himself and what he needs, which is usual for anyone going through addiction. He needs professional help to work through his issues. You can’t do that for him and the solution is not you getting rid of your horse.

 

[teddypops]

I'm so sorry for the situation that you find yourself in. It is easy to say 'ditch him', but with a child involved it is not so easy.

All relationships require compromise, but in all honesty I wonder whether this is really about the horse. It sounds to me as if you are already compromising, not riding as much as you might, suggesting a share etc. Yes, you might need to try to understand where he is coming from, but he also needs to understand and respect your position.

I would really recommend taking a hard look at the whole relationship, and seeing if maybe having a third party to help you might be of benefit. Ultimately you need to compromise, but not be bullied.

I can say that many OHs are not horsey, mine included, but it can work if everyone wants it to. Do remember that your voice also counts in this and you need to make sure that you are not pushed into a corner.

Edited to add that I just read about the substance abuse part. It is not the horse, it is about having someone / something to blame for his problems. He needs help, and you probably also need help to deal with the situation. I would recommend a chat with your GP as a first step. He may view it as disloyalty, but long term he needs to resolve the problem, for his own sake and for the sake of your son.

It’s because of the child I would be (and have in the past) leaving this person.

 

[COldNag]

It’s because of the child I would be (and have in the past) leaving this person.

I agree wholeheartedly.

 

[Velcrobum]

Substance abuse be it booze or drugs he is almost certainly not safe to drive. Is he safe to race/partake in these events? Is he safe to drive to and from drive these events? OP perhaps you need to involve the police for you and your son's safety also the general public's general safety. If his actions at a motorcycle event resulted in a death or deaths or out and about driving on public roads how will you feel ?

 

[Lois Lame]

if you can, try and go away for a few days on your own and think all this through, without any pressure. You have said that there are other issues, even if your OH does think they are all down to the horse, but that is not likely. Consider that you could end up giving up your horse and then your relationship ends anyway. He certainly sounds way too controlling to me, are you giving him ultimatums on how to run his life? I suspect you are now both on your way down the slippery slope and whatever you do will only delay the inevitable outcome.

As I said at the beginning of this, taking some time away from all the day to day stress so you can concentrate on the possible outcomes is, in my experience, very helpful in allowing you to see what the answer should be.

Good luck.

I love this answer.

 

[Lois Lame]

This is nothing to do with the horse really. In a loving relationship you don’t ask someone to give up something that brings them joy just because you don’t like it. This is about control and jealousy and if you get rid of the horse I guarantee you will find he starts moaning about how much time you spend with your son/friends/family next.

I’m shocked at the responses suggesting you put your horse on out on loan temporarily to see if it improves your relationship when you obviously don’t want to get rid of your horse. The only reason you would do that is to make your partner happy. Why should you give up something you love and make yourself miserable to make him happy? Relationships are about compromise. Sit down with him and talk about how you might be able make it work. If his response is that he will accept nothing less than you getting rid of the horse, you have a decision to make.

Oh heck, I love this answer too.

 

[Lois Lame]

To answer your questions..
He thinks by me not having the horse would make our relationship better.
I do enjoy his company but also like so have my own time and space.
We have been together 8 years.
Unfortunately he has a bit of a substance abuse problem and he thinks by me being up the stables I'm not being there and supporting him even tho I have tried in many ways over the years to help and support him I even gave up my job to work with him and he still continued to do it. I just feel like he's blaming the horse for all of his problems.

He can't give it up without you? What a hopeless case. Run.