Horses and relationships

dominobrown

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Just wondering how many of you also has had relationships go under because of horses.
Had a really long and tiring weekend of riding at a show for someone else, then had the horse physio it and doing my own horses today, back to work tomorrow.
My new boyfriend isn't speaking to me at the moment, as basically I have had no time to go see him this weekend. I spend everyday rushing around for people but don't seem to keep anyone happy!
I would love to have a relationship with something but between the horses and my family I don't see me ever having one 😕
 

FlyingCircus

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Just wondering how many of you also has had relationships go under because of horses.
Had a really long and tiring weekend of riding at a show for someone else, then had the horse physio it and doing my own horses today, back to work tomorrow.
My new boyfriend isn't speaking to me at the moment, as basically I have had no time to go see him this weekend. I spend everyday rushing around for people but don't seem to keep anyone happy!
I would love to have a relationship with something but between the horses and my family I don't see me ever having one ��
Something has to give.
If you want a relationship, you have to put time into it. Maybe you should assess if you really do want a relationship, at the detriment to the time you could spend with horses.
 

sunnyone

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Never heard of "love me, love my horse"?
That way there is no dilemma, BF comes with you, or he goes. Sorry to be blunt but unless you want to give up horses then he's starting off on the wrong foot.
 

calmgirl

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I'd concentrate on my own horses and relationship. Making time for him where possible to plan to do something together occasionally. At the moment he's probably imagining never seeing you again at weekends because of the horses.
Only you can decide if you can make both work. I wouldn't expect a boyfriend to tag along at a horse event that he has no interest in and this being the only time he sees you.
Takes a bit of effort but setting aside time for horses and boyfriends can be done.
 

FfionWinnie

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If he is going in the huff at this stage I would be wondering! He should be doing his best to impress (after all this is the best behaviour stage!). Does whining make you want to spend more time with him. I doubt it. Are you being unreasonable, possibly we need more facts to work that out. Is he, most definitely. No decent adult deals with things by not speaking to you. It's controlling and pathetic.

My oh loves going to horsey things and actively encourage me to go so he can come too.

My ex was very jealous of the horses and while that isn't why he is an ex, it shows exactly what sort of character he had as he is a really horrible person.
 

Luci07

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Turn this around. How would you feel if the new love of your life went out and golfed for the entire weekend and you didn't get a look in? rather unloved I would think! Horses can suck up your life so easily so if you do want a relationship, you do need to think about give and take and put some emphasis on time with your OH. I have no sympathy for an OH who becomes needy about the horses and the famous line of "you love your horse more than me" is always the sounding bell for the death throes (well it was for me anyway) but you have not seen him, and you have spent time riding someone elses horses as well. Compromises do have to be made or else you just stay single (which is easier in some way!)
 

rachk89

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I let go of a relationship because the guy wasn't happy at how much time I spent with the loan horse. I wasn't happy in the relationship either anyway anymore but that helped say bye.

I don't think I will get into a serious relationship any time soon. Where can I find a guy that is happy to be ignored at times over a horse? Most of my time now is either work, travelling, riding or college work. We would be limited to a few hours each weekend and is that really enough?
 

benz

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I wouldn't contemplate having a relationship with someone who I didn't like equally as much as horses and I am obsessed with horses!

My previous OH never met my share horses despite me having them for the best part of our relationship (5yrs!) never came to see me ride, didn't support any of my training (he actually quit his job while I was training for Bhs exams so we were living on my training wage of £100 a week!), the list goes on.

My current OH fully supports me and although there have been times he's been jealous of the time I give to the horses, he is now almost as horse mad as me :)

I agree with the other poster, if at this early stage of the relationship he is behaving like a brat and you can't make time to see him is it really a relationship you want?

TBH it sounds like you had a nice weekend without him :)
 

MrsMozartletoe

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A balance needs to be found.

My hubby isn't at all horsey, but he likes seeing me happy, so he comes along and watches whatever we're doing with the neds, and now D1 is at uni he ends up looking after them all a good portion of the time, although he won't ride. Equally I will watch or go to things that don't fill me with joy but he enjoys. Occasionally there will be weekends where one just runs out of time, but that has to be discussed and time made elsewhere.
 

PollyP99

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My OH is golf, cricket and cycling mad, we arrange to meet in the middle sometimes that means not for long and we've been together 25 years so my suggestion, if he doesn't enjoy your hobby make damn sure he has one of his own!

Forgot to say, his mates are envious as hell that he gets 'his' time as their wives/GF moan about time with them so it goes in both directions.
 
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Crugeran Celt

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I feel very fortunate when I read posts like this. My OH has no interest in horses whatsoever but he encourages me to keep mine and when my mare died a few years ago he nagged and nagged until I bought another one. He says I am a happier person when I have horses around me. He even bought my first miniature when I fell in love with her when she was just 5 months old. He then bought her mum to keep her company. Perhaps he is just trying to keep me out of his way. Lol
 

JulesRules

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What PollyP said^

My OH isn't much interested on my horse, although he made more effort in the early days.

He has his own hobby of cycling and mountain biking and spends at least as much time and money doing that as I do on horses.

We both have the occasional moan about each others hobby, but on the whole it works.
 

dominobrown

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He is better than previous boyfriends to be fair.
I completely understand how frustrating it must be, however horses are not quite like golf etc. He has had horsey girlfriends in the past, but ones who have one horse on livery. Horses have been my lifestyle, career etc and life.
The problem is they are so demanding in time and money.
I have had boyfriends in the past who work 9-5 and have no pets ( or significant hobbies, sorry but a PlayStation doesn't count!) and simply cannot even fathom horses.
I think previous horsey girlfriends horse kicked him when he tried to help her, he has seen my horses but is petriefied of them, and my horses are 'huge'. Mine are not pony/ cobs but competition horses, so I suppose it's harder to introduce someone non horsey to than a happy hacker cob which is more of a put down, pick up horse.
He has encouraged me more than previous boyfriends that encouraged me to quite horses, get the full office job I currently have which he knows I don't enjoy.
I think there will always be a dilemma as both demand so much time and attention!!
 

Sukistokes2

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My OH is golf, cricket and cycling mad, we arrange to meet in the middle sometimes that means not for long and we've been together 25 years so my suggestion, if he doesn't enjoy your hobby make damn sure he has one of his own!

Forgot to say, his mates are envious as hell that he gets 'his' time as their wives/GF moan about time with them so it goes in both directions.
This^^^^^^

Only its golf, swimming, reading and crosswords!!!! Fifteen years and counting :D
 

Whoopit

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I have the horse (now down to one as never had time to do anything) and the other half has the gym/cycling/running. We have an unwritten rule that we are home on weekends from our hobbies by 11am.

I don't compete at the moment but if I did he would invariably come with me for a day out - I wouldn't expect him to "groom", I'd want him to saunter about and enjoy himself and see what's going on then come and video me when my turn arrives!! If he volunteered to help out, even better.

The word your looking for is compromise. I don't know of many horse owners who ever have the approach I do - it's all me me me me me me me with most of them and for some reason get really ticked off when people don't like it that way!!
 
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xspiralx

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If he is going in the huff at this stage I would be wondering! He should be doing his best to impress (after all this is the best behaviour stage!).
And does this not go for the OP too? ie. if now is the honeymoon phase and she's still spending all weekend with the horses, what does that suggest about how things will be down the line?

It's a balance and a juggling act. He should understand that you have a time consuming hobby and that will mean at times that you won't be able to see him at the weekend. But you should also be making the effort for that to be the exception rather than the rule. If you want a relationship to work then you have to make the time and effort for it.

I don't really understand this attitude of 'my horse comes first, like it or lump it.' Of course any prospective partner should accept that horses are a big part of your life, but at the same time, few people are going to be prepared to stick with someone when they're always treated like second best.
 

EventingMum

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My OH and I met through horses, he was learning to ride and had a (most unsuitable) horse on loan. He soon gave up the loan horse and was very supportive about my competition horses however I had made it clear from the outset it was a case of love me, love my horses. He didn't continue riding properly as he soon realised it wasn't like his other hobbies where the equipment could be put away and forgotten about when not in use, he wasn't keen on the daily commitment. The really annoying thing was he had a natural talent for riding. That said, he groomed for me at competitions and once married helped exercise when I was pregnant. He also supported my son and can tack up at competitions, do studs, wash off and drive the lorry. I'm very aware of all he has done and continues to do maintaining the yard and I try to support him with his interests and do go to rugby matches with him. He does find it hard that our yard is where live so there's no getting away from horses and clients and has the odd moan which after 30 years of marriage I just ignore!

OP perhaps you could ask him to come along to competitions with you and also try to set a little time aside for him in compensation for the time you're busy with horses. Ultimately though, if horses are your work and hobby he will have to accept it if the relationship is going to go further.
 

FfionWinnie

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And does this not go for the OP too? ie. if now is the honeymoon phase and she's still spending all weekend with the horses, what does that suggest about how things will be down the line?

It's a balance and a juggling act. He should understand that you have a time consuming hobby and that will mean at times that you won't be able to see him at the weekend. But you should also be making the effort for that to be the exception rather than the rule. If you want a relationship to work then you have to make the time and effort for it.

I don't really understand this attitude of 'my horse comes first, like it or lump it.' Of course any prospective partner should accept that horses are a big part of your life, but at the same time, few people are going to be prepared to stick with someone when they're always treated like second best.
By cutting my quote you are misquoting me. I said his action of going in the huff is the problem.

I said we don't know if she is being unreasonable (and frankly the comment about how some happy hacker cob would make it easier to have a relationship rather than the op's presumably badly behaved "competition horses" no mere man dare be around, makes me think more along those lines anyway!)

His behaviour of ignoring the op because he hasn't got what he wanted, is the red flag to me.
 

rachk89

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He is better than previous boyfriends to be fair.
I completely understand how frustrating it must be, however horses are not quite like golf etc. He has had horsey girlfriends in the past, but ones who have one horse on livery. Horses have been my lifestyle, career etc and life.
The problem is they are so demanding in time and money.
I have had boyfriends in the past who work 9-5 and have no pets ( or significant hobbies, sorry but a PlayStation doesn't count!) and simply cannot even fathom horses.
I think previous horsey girlfriends horse kicked him when he tried to help her, he has seen my horses but is petriefied of them, and my horses are 'huge'. Mine are not pony/ cobs but competition horses, so I suppose it's harder to introduce someone non horsey to than a happy hacker cob which is more of a put down, pick up horse.
He has encouraged me more than previous boyfriends that encouraged me to quite horses, get the full office job I currently have which he knows I don't enjoy.
I think there will always be a dilemma as both demand so much time and attention!!
Ah now to be fair, some guys (and girls) do have the hobby of playing games on playstations/xbox/pc. It is a hobby to them and almost a lifestyle in some respects. It is also significant to their lives, and a way to destress often.

But I do agree with you on that part about them asking you to quit horses and work an office job forever. I had a guy try to get me to do that before we were even together. Great way to get a relationship lol. :p Funnily enough it didnt work and we are not together nor will we ever be together.
 

Orangehorse

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TBH I think a lot of men ARE jealous of the time/money/emotional involvement their partners have with their horse and that is what any relationship has to work out. So obviously lots work out successfully, but others don't. Find out sooner rather than later.
 

Gloi

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If he's a new boyfriend and he's whining already get rid of him now and save yourself a lot of misery later.
 

case895

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TBH I think a lot of men ARE jealous of the time/money/emotional involvement their partners have with their horse and that is what any relationship has to work out. So obviously lots work out successfully, but others don't. Find out sooner rather than later.
The same applies with the girlfriends/wives of male horse owners!
 

Moomin1

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All these people that spout this 'love me, love my horse' crap are talking rubbish. I feel sorry for partners who have to put up with that. Relationships are about compromise and making time for one another where possible.
 

dominobrown

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I said we don't know if she is being unreasonable (and frankly the comment about how some happy hacker cob would make it easier to have a relationship rather than the op's presumably badly behaved "competition horses" no mere man dare be around, makes me think more along those lines anyway!)

His behaviour of ignoring the op because he hasn't got what he wanted, is the red flag to me.
Well you have offended me!
He is scared of horses as his previous girlfriends horse kicked him.
If you are scared of horses large horses are scarier.
However my horses are NOT BADLY BEHAVED they are lovely to handle.
But what I was trying to say is someone who has a number of horses to compete obviously demands more time than one happy hacker type horse which doesn't need the same amount of work etc to maintain fitness.

Again I am not unreasonable, I spent the weekend before with him, not my horses however had to compete this weekend.

However please can you never insinuate my horses are 'badly behaved'. I am disgusted by that comment to be honest!
 

Mahoganybay

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All these people that spout this 'love me, love my horse' crap are talking rubbish. I feel sorry for partners who have to put up with that. Relationships are about compromise and making time for one another where possible.
Completely agree! I am very fond of my horse and like to spend time with him (I've had him 8 years so he is a definate keeper)! However, I am even more fond of my husband, who loves me & supports my hobby.

Could I spend all day every day with my horse, yes of course I could, but I don't, as I want to spend time with my family. I do sometimes overstep the mark but my Hubbie doesn't sulk, or not talk to me, he will however remind me I have a home life too.

I think you may need to have a talk with your boyfriend and see if you can reach a compromise, with give & take on both sides. But if your every waking hour is consumed by horses then you may have to accept that you don't have time for a relationship.
 

dominobrown

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I hate it how so many threads on here these days becomes an opportunity to be nasty to the op, like they are not going to read it?!

I don't want to be unreasonable and will try where possible, and I do really like my boyfriend! However when put in the situation of pick between having horses or a boyfriend it's always going to be a difficult decision!
Some posters ideas, like the done by 11am is good. I do agree compromise is they way forward.
I have some good friends who have never compromised their horses, and have had a few marriages go wrong, and those he gave horses up completely and have had a few marriages go wrong as ultimately they gave up what made them happy.
Obviously there is a fine balance to find the sufficient level of compromise by both partners, and I suppose early days into the relationship it's hard to find!

Above poster- yeh I think you are right, we will have to talk and work out a 'system'.
Doesn't help that we both work stupid horses as well. We do joke if we both quit work we would have time for hobbies and each other!
 
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Mahoganybay

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Above poster- yeh I think you are right, we will have to talk and work out a 'system'.
Doesn't help that we both work stupid horses as well. We do joke if we both quit work we would have time for hobbies and each other![/QUOTE]

If he is a keeper, then I'm sure you can work it out, good luck OP!
 

Flame_

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Tell him when he's stopped sulking and wants to speak to you again he can find you at the yard.

You only get one life and its the middle of summer, of course if you've got an outdoor, competitive hobby you're out doing it. If he can't get used to that tell him to do one.

Eugh
 

Goldenstar

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All these people that spout this 'love me, love my horse' crap are talking rubbish. I feel sorry for partners who have to put up with that. Relationships are about compromise and making time for one another where possible.
I only partly believe the above .
I think if it weren't horses it would be something else .
These people who get so wound up about people spending to much time 'away from the relationship ' are often in my experience controlling small minded and don't like a partners with a mind of their own .
It's one weekend ,life not going to end because OP was not about hanging on her BF's every word .
You are who you are ,if you are seriously into something ( not just horses ) then your partner just has to suck it up or you both move on .
OP I would set aside an day or evening and arrange something nice that he will enjoy if he sulks then you have to think really carefully about if you want to change how you live your life to placate him .
If it's a serious relationship then you need one of those serious talks most men hate so much .
But a word of warning to the horse obsessed you do need to make an effort to make regular horse free time were you don't smell of horse and don't look like you have prepared for the down time by rolling in a much heap .
But taking a sulk because of one mad horse filled weekend is not really on .
 

acorn92x

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I can see several options here:

1. You ditch him as it is unreasonable to whinge at someone for enjoying their hobby in the honeymoon stage of your relationship.
2. (My preferred option as this is how my OH and me work!) You compromise - you have to give somewhere. Both horses and relationships take up a LOT of time and you have to realistically prioritise what is more important to you. I limit myself to competing once, sometimes twice a month so I can have time with my OH at weekends, my horse is on part livery so I have no chores to do and just go and see and ride her and I try to make sure that I leave the yard by 7:30 at the VERY latest during the week (I'm usually down there by 4:30-5ish) so I can have time with him of an evening. Relationships, especially new ones, need time and effort put into them in order for them to blossom and flourish so this is the stage where that needs to be the case if it's going to work.
3. You tell him to get a hobby of his own so it buys you a little more time with your horses. However, this is something that you cannot force someone to be interested or take part in something that their heart isn't really in and it's selfish to expect them to do this so you can buy yourself more time imo. I'm very lucky that my OH plays football to quite a high level so spends time training etc mid week during the season meaning that I get some additional horsey time should I wish to take it however I would never, ever say to him that he needs to get a hobby to fill the time where I am at the yard.

I do love my horse but I also love my OH and value our relationship hugely and I would always try and find a way to balance this. He would never turn round and say that I couldn't have a horse or that he would expect me to sacrifice time with her but I'm very careful with making sure that each of them gets enough time. However, this said, I own a 15hh cob who I do endurance/sponsored rides and dressage with so she's not a massively high level competition horse so would require less exercise than something say, an eventer would. Horses and partners can be hard to balance but it can be done, just need to be smart about the needs of both of them :)
 
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