Horses and relationships

[ihatework]

At the end of the day you are who you are and horses are an inherently time consuming and very selfish hobby/job.

Male or female you need a very understanding and supportive partner (or one who is so engrossed in their own hobbies that they don't mind!)
If they love you enough they will be that person BUT it also goes two ways and that means compromise on your side too - you (if you want to make the relationship work) will need to make extra effort to make time for him too.

A lot of blokes don't understand just how all consuming the horses are and they like the sound of it but can't cope with the reality!

 

[Embo]

I think it's only fair to let your OH know in advance if you are going to be competing/riding all weekend. I write all of my horsey outings on the kitchen calendar and tell him as soon as I know if I'm going to be out all day.

My OH found it difficult to adjust to life with a horsey person at first, but we both had to learn to compromise. I encouraged him to find a hobby for himself, which he did, and that now takes up some time at the weekend. I let him know in advance of long days out for me so he can make plans of his own. Sometimes I will also take a weekend off from horses, too, to keep things in balance.

I also try to be home by 7.30pm latest during the week so we can sit down and have dinner together every evening.

In return, OH is accepting and reasonably supportive of my expensive, time-consuming hobby (way of life!) and will even organise our holidays so that I don't miss out on too much horsey time! We're soon going away for a week and it was he who suggested we do Mon-Fri away so I still have the weekends to go out with the horses

You both need to make an effort for everything to work. Communication is key. Good luck!

 

[RunToEarth]

All these people that spout this 'love me, love my horse' crap are talking rubbish. I feel sorry for partners who have to put up with that. Relationships are about compromise and making time for one another where possible.

I completely agree. If my OH spent all of his spare time indulging in something that didn't involve me, I would be pretty annoyed.

 

[Damnation]

Just wondering how many of you also has had relationships go under because of horses.
Had a really long and tiring weekend of riding at a show for someone else, then had the horse physio it and doing my own horses today, back to work tomorrow.
My new boyfriend isn't speaking to me at the moment, as basically I have had no time to go see him this weekend. I spend everyday rushing around for people but don't seem to keep anyone happy!
I would love to have a relationship with something but between the horses and my family I don't see me ever having one ��

I feel very fortunate when I read posts like this. My OH has no interest in horses whatsoever but he encourages me to keep mine and when my mare died a few years ago he nagged and nagged until I bought another one. He says I am a happier person when I have horses around me. He even bought my first miniature when I fell in love with her when she was just 5 months old. He then bought her mum to keep her company. Perhaps he is just trying to keep me out of his way. Lol

I am a very lucky girl.

My OH is not horsey, had never been around horses until he met me. Yet he loves her, he comes up once a month or so to feed her copious amount of treats, groom her, lead her about and just generally faff with her.

He never begrudges the time I spend, he understands she is an animal who needs care and he never questions it. I was going to sell her last year to make moving in with him a bit easier but I couldn't do it, he actually said he liked that I couldn't just sell her, said it showed alot of loyalty which he liked and he said financially we would make it work.

He has his hobby (painting models and tabletop gaming!), and he works until 9pm 5 nights a week. I have my horse. Its a compromise. I don't see him some nights because he is with friends gaming, or the odd weekend day when he is at the shop painting. But then he doesn't complain about the weekend early starts (he doesn't come with me but when I get up it does wake him up) to turn out and muck out the horse, or the inflexibility of needing to go back up at certain times especially in winter to bring her back in.

I have to say it has never been an issue. I don't expect him to come to the horse all time, or even be interested (luckily he is), just don't begrudge the time element. At the same time I will try not to take too long and make time for him so we have "us" time. He does the same.

 

[horsefeed]

Compromise, been with OH 13 years, it was obvious from start we were long term so horse went on loan for 18 months so we could save for a house which we did. Summer after we brought our house, horse came home to some rented land, he hated being on his own so my completely non horses OH went straight out and brought a donkey as a companion! He learnt how to look after him himself etc. Couple of months later I was given an ex racer so she came to live with them too, my OH then started riding with me, he brought a western saddle and basically learnt to hang on but we had some great fun out hacking! Only problem was donkey was then on its own when we were out so he brought a 2nd donkey!! We still my original horse who is now retired, the 2 donkeys + 6 more!!
Even though he is heavily involved he doesn't have the love for it I do, his love is Tae Kwon Do.
Because he is so accommodating with my hobby, I do his with him which I enjoy and it ensures we spend time together away from horses.
He drives the lorry and comes to shows with me and in return I go to TKD competitions.
At weekend during the summer we generally only spend 1 day at the yard and during the winter we do 1/2 day each day to ensure we still spend time at home and with family etc.
Its hard work to get everything in but we have got organised and made it work.

 

[MotherOfChickens]

I completely agree. If my OH spent all of his spare time indulging in something that didn't involve me, I would be pretty annoyed.

agreed-and with Moomin1 as well. My husband is completely supportive (and unhorsey) and we have changed our lifestyle around in order to have my hobbies at home but I still make time for us. I remember it being a lot harder when it was also my profession though-mostly because I was so tired when I was home, that I would be no use at all so I do sympathise.

 

[Luci07]

Something else to add to my earlier post.. the fact that you have actually thought that perhaps a weekend of horses and no partner time was unfair does show you are thinking about it. Just talk to him. Come winter you wont have the same opportunities and you want to make the best of it but you need to make room for your OH as well. I was in the early stages (roses, wine and chocolate) with a potential new man. He was a massive golfer and was clearly trying to really work out how I was going to react to how much time he spent out. I did enjoy watching him trying to subtly introduce the timings...and then told him he was home and dry... I had a horse.....(and dogs that need walking!)

 

[FfionWinnie]

Well you have offended me!
He is scared of horses as his previous girlfriends horse kicked him.
If you are scared of horses large horses are scarier.
However my horses are NOT BADLY BEHAVED they are lovely to handle.
But what I was trying to say is someone who has a number of horses to compete obviously demands more time than one happy hacker type horse which doesn't need the same amount of work etc to maintain fitness.

Again I am not unreasonable, I spent the weekend before with him, not my horses however had to compete this weekend.

However please can you never insinuate my horses are 'badly behaved'. I am disgusted by that comment to be honest!

It was a light hearted comment in response to the offensive remark you made about cobs and happy hackers so it seems we are even.

If you fly off the handle like that it's less of a surprise he doesn't want to speak to you.

 

[ester]

The thing is that horses can't look after themselves, boyfriends can.
One assumes not every weekend will be the same.
Not talking to you is childish.


All the horsey people I know in successful relationships have partners with other time consuming hobbies too

 

[ester]

It was a light hearted comment in response to the offensive remark you made about cobs and happy hackers so it seems we are even.

If you fly off the handle like that it's less of a surprise he doesn't want to speak to you.

Well your happy hacker cob doesn't need much exercise does she

 

[Annagain]

I tell my OH (of 19 years) that the horses were here a long time before him and will be here a long time after him. He introduces me to everyone as his current wife though so I think we're quits

It's all about compromise. He works shifts so our time together is limited. I try to keep my riding for when he is in work, but he also has to appreciate that I only get 2 days off a week (he works 6 on 4 off) and have to cram a lot into those 2 days. If he's got a rare weekend off I get up early, ride and get home by 11. If he's working a late shift at a weekend, I ride in the afternoon. If he's on nights I go in the morning and get back for about 2pm when he wakes up. If he's on days, I get the whole day to do what I want! I try to avoid doing all day things when he's off, but sometimes it's unavoidable. He's ok with that as long as it's not every time he has a weekend off (and I've written it on the calendar as apparently telling him is not enough ). He does his thing in the day and we go out or get a takeaway and watch a film together in the evening.

If you want it to work, set some ground rules and accept there will be times when those rules have to be bent (in both directions so maybe you will not compete one weekend to spend time with him) but as long as you agree that in advance it shouldn't be a problem. Talking about things is very underrated!

 

[applecart14]

My partner comes with me to the yard one of the two days at the weekend and is kind enough to muck out whilst I hack out, or else we will go for a ride together (he takes our dog) and we muck out together when we get back.

Its swings and roundabouts. He often works weekends so I don't see him all day. I don't tend to mind as I can spend lots of time at the yard and go for a really long hack, or take my horse to the riding club and he will come over when he has finished work and watch me ride or help me put a jump up or whatever. THen I go back with the horse to the yard to finish off and he goes and puts the tea on!

He is really good. My ex would never have spent a minute up the yard with me, he was that sort of person.

 

[Goldenstar]

I completely agree. If my OH spent all of his spare time indulging in something that didn't involve me, I would be pretty annoyed.

But it's not all OP's spare time it was one busy weekend .
personally I have never had any desire to spend all my time with my OH we are both strong minded and independent people happy to do our own stuff .
Perhaps that's why we are in still together after more than thirty years .

 

[RunToEarth]

But it's not all OP's spare time it was one busy weekend .
personally I have never had any desire to spend all my time with my OH we are both strong minded and independent people happy to do our own stuff .
Perhaps that's why we are in still together after more than thirty years .

I'm talking more broadly – I’m sure this won’t be the only weekend of the year that the OP is busy with horses. Horses are more time consuming than your average hobby, they have basic needs which need addressing every day of the year, fine. Add to that someone who is riding or competing, it becomes even more onerous, as I’m sure you know.

Whilst most grown men/women are able to understand that a horse needs seeing to, weekend after weekend out busy is something entirely different – think how much time is taken up if you are competing/hunting – weekdays riding, prep, lessons, travelling, nights away in the lorry. That is a lifestyle and if your OH doesn’t come along for the journey it’s a lot of time apart. I have no desire to spend all of my time with my OH, we both work and we both have other things to occupy our time, but if every weekend my OH took off for his hobby, didn’t spend any time with me and do things around the house/garden etc, I wouldn’t be too impressed with that.

 

[EQUIDAE]

Yes - My other half threatened to leave me a few weeks ago as 5 horses is too many. I now have 7 and I am waiting for him to follow through on his threat...

 

[case895]

We have the makings of a Jeremy Kyle show here.

 

[dominobrown]

Haha casey that was never my intention!
Glad to here I'm not the only one who struggles and agrees that both partners need to compromise.

I will just ignore the certain poster who is hellbent on insulting me and thank the rest of you for your tips and advice!

 

[Abi90]

Not talking to you because of it is a bit immature but I can kind of see why he is in a huff. It's a new relationship and he's probably dying to spend time with you. Did you invite him along to watch?

I only see my OH at weekends due to work which means that if I spend all day with the horse he gets a bit sad. He never gets annoyed but weekends is quality time together and he probably would be annoyed if I spent the entire weekend doing horsey stuff, although if it was a competition he would come for a mooch around.

I went on a very long hack the other day, hadn't intended to but got invited, and he'd held off all his plans as he thought I would be back sooner (no signal at yard so couldn't text or let him know). So the next day, instead of going on another long hack in the lovely weather I lunged instead so that I could spend more time with him. In an ideal world he would be able to ride and come with me!

 

[paddy555]

But a word of warning to the horse obsessed you do need to make an effort to make regular horse free time were you don't smell of horse and don't look like you have prepared for the down time by rolling in a much heap .
But taking a sulk because of one mad horse filled weekend is not really on .

another solution is to find someone equally obsessed. That way you both smell of horse and look as if you have rolled in a muck heap. Neither of you notice. If you ride and do the horses together you don't even have to worry about spending time together. Problem solved.

 

[RunToEarth]

another solution is to find someone equally obsessed. That way you both smell of horse and look as if you have rolled in a muck heap. Neither of you notice. If you ride and do the horses together you don't even have to worry about spending time together. Problem solved.

We both ride and this is my vision of hell.

 

[lucky7]

My partner (14 years) always has a massive moan when I want to ride. We also have 4 children the youngest being 1. I also work 4 days per week from home and normally if I want to ride I go when they are in nursery or of an evening at a weekend. He plays cricket occasionally and goers out a fair bit of an evening so it works both ways!
Sometimes I do feel guilty for wanting to go riding and sometimes won't go, and if I do go of an Evening I am only ever 2 hours tops, if I am any longer I get messages and massive moans when I get back.
I have a couple of shows this year (rare occassion) which take up to a whole day, yes her asks me if I am *taking the baby with me*?!! If he could have his own way the horses would be sold he doesn't like them and thinks they are a waste of money (they are kept on our own land) so no livery costs and anything they do need I pay for myself . Slowly getting our daughter into it too. She's 11 and started to take an interest!!
I do wish that he would be happy and except the fact that I have horses (always as a child and up to a year before meeting him and then the past 8 years!l) life would be easier.

 

[_Annie_]

Oops, double post!

 

[_Annie_]

Yes - My other half threatened to leave me a few weeks ago as 5 horses is too many. I now have 7 and I am waiting for him to follow through on his threat...

I actually laughed out loud at that! :-D

 

[EQUIDAE]

I actually laughed out loud at that! :-D

I fell in love with this girl - 15h1 3yo, unbacked appy cross maxi cob mare.

Within half an hour of paying for her I got offered this boy at a fantastic price - 12yo BSJA schoolmaster (please excuse my dreadful riding - was my first ride and he's 16h1 and I'm used to 14h1!)

It would have been rude to say no...

 

[indie1282]

See, the thing with horses is that they are living creatures that need looking after. There not a 'normal' hobby that you can put in the garage like a bike for example - and I do think friends/partners don't really understand that sometimes! One of my work colleagues was asking about how often I see them and when I said twice a day everyday she was really surprised and said ' What even when its cold and raining? ' Another asked if I had to visit them on Christmas Day! Most seem to think that horses live in the fields all the time unless they get ridden occasionally lol.

 

[pippixox]

relationships are always a complicated things and I think it is important to try not to judge other peoples relationships as often you can't tell from the outside how good (or sometimes secretly bad) they are.
However, I do think it is useful to share stories sometimes!
an ex of mine did not like me having horses. but i think ultimately it was our whole life styles that clashed, not just the horses. He wanted to go out on a Friday night and sleep in until gone 11am. I wanted takeaway on the sofa and always wake up early on the weekends, and often arrange a ride with my friend in the morning. It wasn't completely the horses- i could of been doing another hobby in that time. It is a lifestyle choice really!
My OH is not horsey. He has sat on my old boy once- the first time he has ever in his life, aged 28!
but he has a similar life style- loves the outdoors and countryside. If we could we would love to even have a small holding in a remote area- but settle for practicle west-berkshire with a 4 mile drive to the horses on rented land.
Again, like many others have said- he also has a time (and money!) consuming hobby. He does mountain biking quite seriously. But we make time for each other, and most importantly we WANT to make time for each other! but we don't live in each others pockets- we would go mad!
last spring i gained 2 gorgeous 4yo newforest ponies- mentioned i was looking at them saturday night- got them sunday!

 

[paddy555]

We both ride and this is my vision of hell.

oh dear, so do we, every day together. The nice part of hell is an awful lot of help with stable work, no quibbling if I want another horse or if I need someone in the middle of the night to sit up with a horse. Also a perfect understanding that the horses come first.

 

[BSL]

Is it not about compromise? My husband sails. His boat means the world to him. He still fills my water butts and helps at the yard. My horses are my world. I attend the sailing club functions and support his sailing. We do our thing, then meet and chat about our day. Its about wanting each other to be happy.

 

[Cluelessblonde]

Is it not about compromise? My husband sails. His boat means the world to him. He still fills my water butts and helps at the yard. My horses are my world. I attend the sailing club functions and support his sailing. We do our thing, then meet and chat about our day. Its about wanting each other to be happy.

This is the way we are but got seriously dropped from my new baby... He's only just backed but he did proper bucking and rearing and his attitude has slightly changed and asked him and he said I don't like you getting hurt so I think that could be more of an issue in the future....

 

[Kylara]

My OH is an extraordinarily keen rower. He picked it up whilst doing his PhD at uni with an old girlfriend (the more time away from her the better, controlling) and loves it.
Keeps him fit and happy and means he can eat as much as he likes (loves food). His training schedule is crazy as he competes and trains both individually and in teams, though this year he is in a double so more flexible and less frustrating! He goes every day except Friday and gets back around 7.30/8pm depending on session. Weekends are Saturday til 1 and one or two sessions on Sundays. He sometimes blows the Sunday to spend time together but were in comp season now so he's got commitments. I try and get to his local comps (going this Sunday) and we work out timeshare. I actually finish the yard before he gets in and he has pushed for me to take that step to run the yard.

He is super supportive and wonderful and knows what it is like to want to do something intense and rewarding. I even got him his first riding lesson for his birthday and he's not averse to having another

I think finding someone supportive is essential and someone who likes and it involved in a sport is helpful. A competitive sport is better as they then understand the dedication. One of his work mates was going out with a woman with horses and he's ended up ending it because he doesn't understand that they need seeing everyday and that they were more than a pet (very good dressage rider), but then he lacks any sporting interests and hobbies