How can I deal with this lady?

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l.ark said:
I'm getting upset with everyone doubting me. This might just be an eye opener that I shouldn't buy a horse. Thanks.
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This is actually the first comment that would worry me with a youngster (or indeed anything that wasn't a schoolmaster).

You can't just give up when things don't go your way. Trust me there will be plenty of times you will see a tunnel with no light at the end with a youngster, but you have to be able to persevere not throw the towel in (and trust me I've wanted to throw it in several times with mine!).

Horses will always test you, you can have weeks of feeling it's hopeless or weeks of brilliance with a bad day thrown in for no apparent reason.

You need to be able to be the bigger person in these instances and work through it. Don't cave in too easily or it will walk over you.

I love my youngster but have had just as good days with my last 21yo share who acted like a 5yo and I'd buy in a heartbeat if she ever went up for sale (which would never happen as her owner dotes on her!)

I've now learned to not put an age/breed/sex on my searches and to go with the one that feels right. Don't write things off too easily.

Good luck with whatever horse you go with.

Pan
 
l.ark said:
The reason I don't want to use the forum anymore, is not because I'm hearing stuff that I don't want to, its because when people say I shouldn't do this that and the other, they just say because it'll be too much. Not because of any personal experience. What would you all say if I'd said I was 25 or something instead of 17? And no, I'm not going to university and you cannot make that assumption because of my age.
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I would have said the same (more or less!)
 
But people do forget how much fire, commitment and capability that people can have when they are 17....it's as you get older and learn from mistakes (or good choices) that people then try to influence the choices of those younger than them! I'm not saying they shouldn't, but we shouldn't underestimate what people are capable of either.

There has defo been some good advice on here, but if l.ark has the capability, the support and the time, then the benefits you can get from building a relationship with a horse (ok, young or of any age) are, as we all know fantastic :) I don't know what having a temper has to do with getting a horse - I would say a good 30 - 50% (or more?) of the population would have a temper of some sort, whether they admit it or not - I do - and no, it's not always ideal when dealing with animals, but it teaches you to keep it in check to get the best out of your animal. As for depression, again, I'm not an expert, but I would say that horses are damn good therapy!
 
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I would be very sad if you genuinely thought people were being rude to you. People were merely trying to get you to think long and hard about having a youngster, and rightly so whether you are 17 or 77.

As you are experienced you will know that the most level headed horse can change in a new yard and with a new owner, let alone a youngster. The challenges faced can scupper the most experienced people and its heart breaking to hear about owners who's dreams have been shattered, not to mention bones.

No one is critising your intentions or saying you cant ride and handle horses, just your response.

This forum is great because you can get opinions from all ages and experiences. Its good to have someone to question ideas and to be a 'critical friend'. If you don't like what you read then just ignore and go to the next post. Its silly to take it to heart or read it as an attack against your skills.

Hope you find a lovely horse in the end.
 
Fairynuff said:
I would have said the same (more or less!)
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And the forum has done in the past - e.g. when a certain 21ish y/old poster wanted to buy a foal and caused WWIII. The forum advised against - and that was without depression or extreme petulance and flouncing :D
 
I am 25 yrs old. I have been riding horses since I was 5, owned my own from when I was 7 until I was 18. I do not and have never suffered from depression. I got myself a new horse a few months ago, he has just turned 7 and he is lovely. Very willing and has been beautifully schooled throughout his short life. Some days however, I can't him working properly - a combination of his youth and mine - and it frustrates me so much that I just want to sit down and cry.

If you can honestly say that you can cope with going back to square one on a regular basis, then go for a youngster, just remember it can be as demoralising as it is rewarding!
 
OP, you said in your last post that you are hearing things you don't want to hear which sums everything up really! You posted so people would tell you what you wanted to hear and it didn't happen! Amen!:D
 
Also, as a YO myself, I like an easy life, and easy life is when the liveries and their horses are well suited and happy with each other, amongst other things.
So I can see how this lady is steering you, OP, the way of something less challenging for your first horse - it is really hard to be watching a mess that you saw coming from the word go. And like it or lump it, as YO you ARE involved, there is no escaping your liveries' dramas.
 
JFTD said:
And the forum has done in the past - e.g. when a certain 21ish y/old poster wanted to buy a foal and caused WWIII. The forum advised against - and that was without depression or extreme petulance and flouncing :D
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That wasn't because of her age though, it was her own admission that she'd never heard of navicular but everyone on her yard thought her hopping horse might have it, so should she mention it when it had its jabs? Just saying... ETA - I think there was some petulance and flouncing as well, lol.

I was stuck on all sorts at 17 that I wouldn't entertain now, and confidence is the most important thing with youngsters, even before experience IMO.
 
' i cringe at some of the comments made to a vulnerable person who has tried to make it clear that she does have problems.
She's not having a tantrum, she's struggling to convey her feelings because half the time she doesn't understand them herself, perhaps a forum such as HHO isn't the right place for her but while she is here at least try not to send her over the edge'

I'm afraid that i know very little about depression, although my eldest son did suffer for a while when he was a teenager. It did make him feel that 'everyone was against him' which was completely untrue but indicative of the very negative place that he was in at the time. I do feel that we should all try & support this young person, i'm not saying just agreeing with her, but putting our points across in a caring, sympathetic way.

This forum is a fab place, lets not chase away someone that sounds like she could really do with a few broad shoulders to lean on once in a while.
 
Flame_ said:
That wasn't because of her age though, it was her own admission that she'd never heard of navicular but everyone on her yard thought her hopping horse might have it, so should she mention it when it had its jabs? Just saying...
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I didn't actually mean that one :eek:

I meant the one who said she wanted one to take nice photos of 'cos they're cute :D
 
What happened to the days when teenagers bought/were bought young ponies as a matter of course?

When I had my first "own pony" I was 13 and he was 7 and 14.2. The people we bought him from were aged 15 and 16 and their parents had bought him for them when he was 4.

The pony I used to ride and had full use of before I had my own belonged to a farming family who had bought him for their daughter when she was 12 and he was 3 and 13.2.

Those were the good old days (1960s/70s) but the world has gone mad in the last couple of decades.

Maybe if people below a certain height and age stuck to sub 15 hand ponies there wouldn't be so many problems.

If I were the OP and I particularly wanted a youngster then I would buy something small.
 
fatpiggy said:
To be blunt, and I speak as someone who has 35 years experience and more than 25 as a freelance instructor, teenagers with anger issues should absolutely not take on a youngster or something which doesn't give 100% correct results at the first ask. My girl was 11 when I bought her and I had to take her right back to the beginning, so believe me there was PLENTY of teaching and learning to be done by both of us.

QUOTE]

This, apart from I only have 20 years of teaching experience.

OP you are spectacularly over reacting to people's advice. I'd be the first to criticise harsh or negative comments, but you really haven't had many, if any, on this thread. In fact the most unpleasant replies have been yours.

Velma said:
Sorry l.ark I didn't see your posts about depression. It's a horrible thing. Have you been to the doctors?
I just wonder if a share might be better for you as you get the horsey fix but don't have to take on full responsibility for one especially on those days you feel so bad you can't get out of bed!
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Depression is horrible. My mum went through a lot of it many years ago, and it changed her completely. It totally should affect your decision on what kind of horse you choose, as a youngster would be much harder to balance with depression.

Glad you have sorted out your issues with the lady, a simple conversation seems to have solved it.
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On a positive note, nobody has started on popcorn..grammar..spelling and there have been no death treats or troll accusations so we are doing really well!!

There is alot of sound advice here. I think you are feeling cornered and fragile so all the good advice is coming across harsh when it is not being written that way. None of us know you. None of us are judging you. None of us want you to fail or give up. Go with the lady this eve, enjoy it. Try the horse. Take a risk. I have numerous at different stages..most of mine I've reschooled out of racing or are youngsters I have bred. Never underestimate an older horse..i have a 3yr old who you would think is 26 and my 26 yr old thinks she is 3...both are fun, both are trying at times and everything i've acheived with all of them I'm proud of...what i'm trying to say is that this 11 yr old does not carry a big sign declaring his age..only you will know. If you find 11 too old for you or struggle wanting this horse..why not go for a 7 or 8 year old..they never stop learning..I taught my 26 yr old something new last week...this week we have a new challenge. There is no rush, you'll know the right horse when you see it & click with it..keep us posted
 
HazyXmas said:
I'm afraid that i know very little about depression, although my eldest son did suffer for a while when he was a teenager. It did make him feel that 'everyone was against him' which was completely untrue but indicative of the very negative place that he was in at the time. I do feel that we should all try & support this young person, i'm not saying just agreeing with her, but putting our points across in a caring, sympathetic way.

This forum is a fab place, lets not chase away someone that sounds like she could really do with a few broad shoulders to lean on once in a while.
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agreed HX, it actually worries me how some of the replies may effect the OP, if people can't be nice then this really is one of those times when they should say nothing.
 
SaharaS said:
On a positive note, nobody has started on popcorn..grammar..spelling and there have been no death treats or troll accusations so we are doing really well!!

There is alot of sound advice here. I think you are feeling cornered and fragile so all the good advice is coming across harsh when it is not being written that way. None of us know you. None of us are judging you. None of us want you to fail or give up. Go with the lady this eve, enjoy it. Try the horse. Take a risk. I have numerous at different stages..most of mine I've reschooled out of racing or are youngsters I have bred. Never underestimate an older horse..i have a 3yr old who you would think is 26 and my 26 yr old thinks she is 3...both are fun, both are trying at times and everything i've acheived with all of them I'm proud of...what i'm trying to say is that this 11 yr old does not carry a big sign declaring his age..only you will know. If you find 11 too old for you or struggle wanting this horse..why not go for a 7 or 8 year old..they never stop learning..I taught my 26 yr old something new last week...this week we have a new challenge. There is no rush, you'll know the right horse when you see it & click with it..keep us posted
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Wot she said! Depression makes you oversenstive and I speak frome experience!
 
Rueysmum said:
What happened to the days when teenagers bought/were bought young ponies as a matter of course?

When I had my first "own pony" I was 13 and he was 7 and 14.2. The people we bought him from were aged 15 and 16 and their parents had bought him for them when he was 4.

The pony I used to ride and had full use of before I had my own belonged to a farming family who had bought him for their daughter when she was 12 and he was 3 and 13.2.

Those were the good old days (1960s/70s) but the world has gone mad in the last couple of decades.

Maybe if people below a certain height and age stuck to sub 15 hand ponies there wouldn't be so many problems.

If I were the OP and I particularly wanted a youngster then I would buy something small.
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This is off topic but back in the day, people who rode tended to be from horsey families. Nowadays, as riding has taken off as a leisure pursuit, people from all walks of life are coming into the sport and a young or unbacked pony isn't for all. My YO always bought unbacked youngsters for her kids as she felt they didn't know enough to play up. But she was a very experienced horsewoman supervising them all the time and they were kids that had grown up with horses and riding. On the other hand, there is a little girl on our yard that has had a couple of lessons and her parents went and bought her a young pony. The relationship is not going well, the child is miserable and the parents cannot help her. Nor can they afford to pay an instructor to teach her every time she rides. The child no longer rides her pony and is trying to keep it a secret from her parents as, like most children, she now feels attached to him and doesn't want to give him up. Its very sad.
 
indiat said:
This is off topic but back in the day, people who rode tended to be from horsey families. Nowadays, as riding has taken off as a leisure pursuit, people from all walks of life are coming into the sport and a young or unbacked pony isn't for all. My YO always bought unbacked youngsters for her kids as she felt they didn't know enough to play up. But she was a very experienced horsewoman supervising them all the time and they were kids that had grown up with horses and riding. On the other hand, there is a little girl on our yard that has had a couple of lessons and her parents went and bought her a young pony. The relationship is not going well, the child is miserable and the parents cannot help her. Nor can they afford to pay an instructor to teach her every time she rides. The child no longer rides her pony and is trying to keep it a secret from her parents as, like most children, she now feels attached to him and doesn't want to give him up. Its very sad.
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Just wanted to add that I come from a non-horsey urban family and so I do speak from experience! I do envy my kids the confidence that comes with being around horses all the time and having pony club. I learned to ride in my late teens and I haven't done half the things my 10 year old has done.
 
Gosh, what a load of drama.

TBH if you act like a child you will get treated like one, regardless of your age.

My first pony was 14 and I was 10, my second was 6 and I was 12 and I was darn lucky she was geniune. Flash forward and at 30 I brought a horse that looking back was more than I wanted and it took 2 years of hard work and tears with my trainer to get him to where I wanted him. I adore him but we all make mistakes, it's the attitude you take when you do that will define you.

I'd suggest swallowing some humble pie and at least take into account what those with more experience can offer. Afterall nobody wants to see anyone hurt or not enjoying what is meant to be fun!
 
l.ark said:
Yes because someone who suffers from depression and gets upset by comments like that, obviously this reflects my riding ability..

Tbh you come across as a middle aged person who thinks they know it all, yet are in fact very naive about people.

I don't really see what me getting easily upset has to do with if i can deal with a horse that starts napping. And yes, if you are so interested to know I HAVE dealt with quite a few horses that nap and I managed all of them just fine.

I can see why this forum gets such a bad name, if people are so quick to judge and be rude to people who are just asking for advice, not a judgement.
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I think a napping is one of your least worries with a youngster ;)
Tbh if you think this forum is a nightmare wait till you get your own horse and see how judgemental people become then whether it's from jealousy or whatever, you WILL in life have to deal with people who will judge you..just because they can. So the quicker you learn to deal with this, the better.

Just to add, I suffer really badly with depression so I'm not going to jump up and down shouting you shouldn't have a youngster because I don't really think it's a contributing factor- I have 3. HOWEVER, being sarcastic and ungrateful of advice isn't a 'side affect' of depression and quite frankly you're coming across as immature and plain spoilt. Now, whether or not you are is a different matter...but I'm saying that's how you come across. No one on this forum knows you so yes, you do have to make judgement in a sort as you only have their written posts to rely on. So have a think and grow up!!

p.s I'm only 2 years older than you...so don't think this is from a 'middle aged person who thinks they know it all' (plain rude). Grr...this is why so many younger horse riders get a bad name :mad: ..and stop ranting :)
 
Sometimes I do wonder wether depression is related to over confidence being squashed? Certainly those suffering from it and it`s "over sensitivity" are a nightmare for others to deal with day to day.My counselling is £200 per hour!! :D:D:D:D
 
l.ark said:
Thanks for the posts but I'm going to see this horse tonight then give up. I'm obviously not capable of owning a horse. Thanks.
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Please dont be like that, this horse might be your dream come true.

I have only ever had youngsters (as thats all I could afford for years) I then got a 17yo and thought wow its fab when someone has done all the hard work I never want a youngster again!! Then as fate would have it I ended up with a 2yo and you know what he is the one.

he is now 4 and every day that passes proves to me what a great team we are. what I am trying (& probably failing) to say is you never know where the perfect horse is hiding.
 
l.ark said:
Sorry if I'm petulant. I have a temper and I have issues with people doubting me so strongly, even though I know it's not rational to listen to such strong opinions from people I know. I obviously have a lot of problems.

My mum spoke to her and she had the wrong end of the stick. So no, she wasn't thinking I couldn't handle a 4 or 5 year old, she thought I'd said older. So thanks.
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Your original post was asking for advice on how to get the YO to understand that she was suggesting horses that didnt fit the criteria you had set.

Some of the first answers you got were trying to get more info from you to help them understand why she might be doing this, and therefore enable them to tailor their advice on how to 'deal with' her, and in doing so wondered about your age/ability/experience

There were about 28 posts, including 6 from you before you said that because you suffer from depression their answers were upsetting for you because they werent saying what you wanted to hear, i.e they questioned your ability. People werent posting to upset a 'vulnerable' person..how could they? they didnt know!
I'm not saying posters should declare all medical conditions before asking a question, but to me throwing a hissy fit at people offering genuine suggestions or asking genuine questions speaks more of immaturity rather than depression (i say this as a long term sufferer of depression myself, and yes i know depresson can take many and varied forms before anyone jumps on me :))

Try and see the bigger picture...the questions were asked about age/experience etc not to make you doubt yourself and your abilities, nor to upset you. They were asked, in my opinion, so that your original question could be answered.
Yes some people pointed out the hard work involved in bringing on a youngster, but again i dont think those posters were trying to belittle you, i think they were just hoping to offer the benefit of their experiences. Ultimately it's your decision whether to heed or ignore advice.

In an online community there will always be people ready to make a sarcastic/nasty/offensive comment. There will also be people who are genuine and want to help with advice if they possibly can. Also, just because a situation/problem is clear to you it doesnt always translate clearly when posting, hence more questions than answers. Its not personal, its just so people can get the full picture before giving advice :)

As it turns out there was a miscommunication/misunderstanding between you and the YO as to your criteria and i hope that, now she knows, she will help you find what you're looking for.

I also hope you are getting support and treatment via your GP for your depression. It's a horrible illness and although it can last indefinitely in some cases, there is treatment available to help you understand and alter your thought processes.

Good luck with the horse search and the depression :)
 
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martlin said:
Also, as a YO myself, I like an easy life, and easy life is when the liveries and their horses are well suited and happy with each other, amongst other things.
So I can see how this lady is steering you, OP, the way of something less challenging for your first horse - it is really hard to be watching a mess that you saw coming from the word go. And like it or lump it, as YO you ARE involved, there is no escaping your liveries' dramas.
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Given that the original point of this post was that the YO was suggesting horses that didn't meet the OP's wishlist, and speaking as a YO myself, this is very much what I thought 6 pages ago.

Several years ago I risked a very good friendship by telling someone that her teenage daughter didn't have the talent or the temperament for a young horse :o They bought her a schoolmaster instead. Last week (7 years on) they both told me how much (with hindsight!) they appreciated my bluntness ;)

Whatever you may think l.ark, people on here are generally trying to help.
 
Wow you come across as a really mature 17 year old :cool:.

I was going to say that this person wanted an older pony so it would be more useful in the rs but after your response I think she is trying to tell you that your not ready for a youngster. With an attitude like that theres no way your ready for some thing young no matter how capable you are as a rider!

(Good call on the bingo who ever that was :p)
 
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