How can I deal with this lady?

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l.ark said:
Yes because someone who suffers from depression and gets upset by comments like that, obviously this reflects my riding ability..

Tbh you come across as a middle aged person who thinks they know it all, yet are in fact very naive about people.

I don't really see what me getting easily upset has to do with if i can deal with a horse that starts napping. And yes, if you are so interested to know I HAVE dealt with quite a few horses that nap and I managed all of them just fine.

I can see why this forum gets such a bad name, if people are so quick to judge and be rude to people who are just asking for advice, not a judgement.
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Well I think you are OTT with the attitude ( I have 3 teens here). You say your depressed,well so am I,infact i am on tablets too. You should get a older horse,you would not be suited to a youngster with your attitude!!!
People are giving you advice and your ignoring them,throwing a tantrem!!!!
 
I do have a fair bit of experience of people (all ages) with depression, and sometimes the internet's not a good place for them. No-one here seems to me to have been delibrately judgemental or unfair, but if you come on a forum and ask for advice from strangers, you do need to be strong enough to hear their opinions. Maybe l.ark isn't feeling very strong just now?

Maybe the OP would be better not being on a forum, until she can cope with that? I don't mean that unkindly l.ark, it's just that you seemed to get upset very easily.

You say you have temper issues and you seem to take things very personally. I know several people with depression who would respond just the same, sadly.

L.ark if you ever come back and read this, I hope it all works out for you, and your horse if you do get one. People weren't being mean, they were questioning out of concern. Perhaps sometime in the future you will be able to see that this is a very valuable resource with some very good advice, when you're better able to handle it.
 
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Vulnerable or not, owning a horse is a massive commitment. Although animals may well be seen to offer fantastic therapeutic benefits, you need to consider whether you are in the correct place emotionally to cope with the stress of a youngster, it may well cause you to become more stressed and angry if/when things don't go to plan.

They rely on their owners 100% and if, as you say have temper issues and depression what would happen on the days where it's not going your way? If you are willing to give up on your dream after a few comments then i dread to think what would happen when your youngster did not do as asked.


In my opinion a horse with slightly more experience may be more beneficial purely because of temper issues- I'm not implying that you will batter a youngster if it does not comply/understand what your asking. A more experienced horse will be able to understand what is being asked (hopefully) resulting in a calm and rewarding situation for you both.

:)
 
I too have suffered from depression on and off over the years and I do understand that you do tend to feel a tad paranoid and picked on at times. However, that is no excuse for thowing your toys out of your pram. I may have asked questions on here when I have been depressed, but instead of having a tantrum when the answers didn't support my point of view I slunk away, had a cry and a sulk, and read them again when I felt better. And do you know what? I learnt loads. People were commenting because they were trying to help, not because they were being nasty, it was me who had the problem (interpreting their comments wrongly), not them.

Regarding getting a youngster. If you know you can handle the hard work, then go for it. I have to voice my concern that I would be worried that if you are so sensitive when people offer constructive critism, then you wouldn't be able to handle the whole having a youngster thing. There will be days or weeks when you feel like banging your head against a wall as nothing is going right. If you are depressed those times will be 10 times worse than with someone who isn't depressed.

People are commenting because they have been there, done it and got the t-shirt. There are a lot of knowledgable people on here who will be more than eager to help when/if you ever have problems with any horse, but upsetting everyone when you are a 'newbie' won't endear you to people I'm afraid.

Chin up, have a cry, have a think, and take all the comments as constructive and decide whether a youngster or an older horse is for you :) x
 
OP not a dig but you said you wanted a youngster so you could keep him/ her for a long time but trust me older horses/ ponies go on for years.

I could just be hugely unlucky but all the youngsters I've bought have either ended up being PTS or had health issues which lead to retirement so wanting to keep a horse for a long time is no reason to get a youngster.
 
I've just realised I think I know who l.ark is!

For the record, if she's who I think she is, she's a very capable, gentle and sensitive rider who would also have plenty of experienced help at hand if it was needed. :) I'm no expert myself, but I believe she would be more than capable of bringing on a youngster.

She's had a very tough time lately and is probably feeling very senstive. :(
 
l.ark said:
The reason I don't want to use the forum anymore, is not because I'm hearing stuff that I don't want to, its because when people say I shouldn't do this that and the other, they just say because it'll be too much. Not because of any personal experience. What would you all say if I'd said I was 25 or something instead of 17? And no, I'm not going to university and you cannot make that assumption because of my age.
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Honey, if you said you were 55, I'd still say that you were being a little petulant.

I get that you feel judged and that your depression doesn't help (suffered from it for many years myself so know how debilitating it can be) . . . but I don't think anyone's been rude or judgmental - you asked for advice and you received it.

Back to your original question . . . if you don't see eye-to-eye with this YO over what horse you should be buying, then move yards. She may be being extremely sensible . . . or she may be being rather controlling - I don't know, I don't know either of you . . . but if you are determined to buy a horse and don't want her input, then your only option is to move.

P
 
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HazyXmas said:
' i cringe at some of the comments made to a vulnerable person who has tried to make it clear that she does have problems.
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Completely agree. Before going and making comments about how 'petulant' the OP is being, please take into consideration that she has told us that she has depression. I'm completely neutral on this, but I really think that you shouldn't make comments digging it in that this 'isn't the right choice' etc.
 
OK, to answer your original question, how to deal with the YO.

You need to sit down with her and tell her exactly how you feel and what you want. You need to be very firm with her when she tries to find something that SHE thinks is suitable.

Dont get upset and certainly dont flounce. If you behave like an adult she will take you seriously. If you act like a petulant child she wont.

If she does not want you and a youngster on her yard, then find a different yard.

Suggest that rather than waste her time looking for horses for you, will she come and view one when you and your friend have chosen it.

If you cant do this in an adult and sensible way, then I agree you are not ready to deal with a youngster. Just think hard about whether it will also prevent you putting in the work which youngsters need. They cant cope with on - off, cant be botherered today kind of life.
 
TuscanBunnyGirl said:
I think a napping is one of your least worries with a youngster ;)
Tbh if you think this forum is a nightmare wait till you get your own horse and see how judgemental people become then whether it's from jealousy or whatever, you WILL in life have to deal with people who will judge you..just because they can. So the quicker you learn to deal with this, the better.

Just to add, I suffer really badly with depression so I'm not going to jump up and down shouting you shouldn't have a youngster because I don't really think it's a contributing factor- I have 3. HOWEVER, being sarcastic and ungrateful of advice isn't a 'side affect' of depression and quite frankly you're coming across as immature and plain spoilt. Now, whether or not you are is a different matter...but I'm saying that's how you come across. No one on this forum knows you so yes, you do have to make judgement in a sort as you only have their written posts to rely on. So have a think and grow up!!

p.s I'm only 2 years older than you...so don't think this is from a 'middle aged person who thinks they know it all' (plain rude). Grr...this is why so many younger horse riders get a bad name :mad: ..and stop ranting :)
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Rather what I was thinking.

I couldn't careless what your 'disability' is. Neither could your potential horse. The horse won't care if you have have depression, missing an arm or in a wheel chair: but you act like the sulky, petulant spoilt brat you've come across here, you'll make a mess of it, young horse OR old. Horses treat you at face value so being treated the same here will be learning curve.

Find out WHY the YO is prodding you towards older horses then learn to take advice on board.

P.s nickicb - not seen the Flounce Bingo before: I've ticked off 7 so far. :D
 
A,word of warning about yard owners 'finding' you a horse. Yard owner maybe being commision off the back of the sale to you, you feel gratefull because she has found you a horse and go on paying yard owner livery fees its a win win for yard owner.

This has happened to me and was convinced to buy a horse that i had my doubts over. But because i was young and she was the elder with years of experience i took her advice and recommdation at face value to find out she had been paid a hefty sum of commision. Horse turned out to be a nightmare but when i asked for her help she always said she was far too busy, ill ect. Go with your gut instinct and yes listen to advice but if you are realistic with your ability to handld a youngster, Go for it!!
 
l.ark said:
Thanks for the hate. I hope you all feel pleased with yourselves.
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Oh for heaven's sake. What "hate"? Loads of people have tried to help you with getting a new horse by finding out what would be suitable - information which helps us also to answer your query on how to deal with the YO. Loads of people have tried to explain why others (and themselves) have asked questions to try to help you. YOU brought up the depression and loads of people have tried to help you with that and many others have been understanding. If you can't deal with forum life at the moment may I suggest that as you can't delete an account you just stop using this one, wait until you are in a better place and then come back with a new account and a better attitude to those people who are trying to help you and take advantage of the wealth of experience and support that the members of this forum can offer.


^^Even THAT is not hate, it's from someone old enough to be your mother's much elder sister, if not quite old enough to be your grandma who has had to deal with plenty of petulant teens - whether depressed or not - in her time.
 
cobmum said:
A,word of warning about yard owners 'finding' you a horse. Yard owner maybe being commision off the back of the sale to you, you feel gratefull because she has found you a horse and go on paying yard owner livery fees its a win win for yard owner.

This has happened to me and was convinced to buy a horse that i had my doubts over. But because i was young and she was the elder with years of experience i took her advice and recommdation at face value to find out she had been paid a hefty sum of commision. Horse turned out to be a nightmare but when i asked for her help she always said she was far too busy, ill ect. Go with your gut instinct and yes listen to advice but if you are realistic with your ability to handld a youngster, Go for it!!
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i agree they will take a commision but my old YO found me a wonderful horse- sometimes they can get it right all round!
 
Fairynuff said:
you need to talk to someone qualified to help you. I don't think this is the place you need to be at the moment!
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Absolutely right, I think you are a very troubled person. no one hates you, I don't even bother hating people I've met, I'm unlikely to hate someone I never have!
 
I have depression. I also had a yard owner try to choose a horse for me. The horse they recommended was three times more expensive than I would have considered myself! (Also it turned out to be YO's favourite type of horse:rolleyes:)

Ended up not buying it due to other issues, and got myself an Arab, aged ten, but had been backed and schooled lightly at five, sold, then used as a companion to a young horse for five years - only ridden for a half an hour every two or three months. Never seen dogs, livestock, jumps, etc. Was and is great around traffic.

I pretty much had to start her all over again. Nine months on, she finally behaves on the ground, and is jumping just shy of three feet! Yet my YO tried to convince me to send her back...after two days:eek:

Go horse shopping with your regular instructor and your friend. Pick the horse that you enjoy being with and can't bear to be apart from. It's meant to be fun, a partnership. You clearly state that you have worked with youngsters before, so go for it. It will be a lot of work, but that makes it more worthwhile anyway.

Good luck.
 
OK. You can all stop now. You've made your point. I'm upset and I've learnt my lesson. You don't all need to carry on trying to argue with me.
 
I ark, as someone who is really struggling with deppresion ( and it started at 16 :( ) can I make a suggestion ?

I was soo angry at your age, god knows how I kept any friends :( , bless them x

Now to the point, I have not read any damning posts, only posts saying ' are you in the right frame of mind to take on a project'?

Perhaps it would be wise just to look after yourself and get a happy hacker to relax your head?

Not saying you arenot capable, but I feel you need to relax and get your head in order, as a fellow sufferer please take care x
 
cobmum said:
A,word of warning about yard owners 'finding' you a horse. Yard owner maybe being commision off the back of the sale to you, you feel gratefull because she has found you a horse and go on paying yard owner livery fees its a win win for yard owner.
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Partly this is the vibe I was getting. The YO has seen an opportunity to act as an agent, whereby she will cream off a percentage for introducing the client to the seller. Not every seller is going to go for this, so in fact she may just be trying to introduce l.ark to sellers where there is a profit in it for her - which is far from the right motivation from l.ark's point of view.

The first question I would ask the YO is whether she will receive any commission as a consequence of a sale (I don't have a problem with agents by the way, as long as they are up front about their interest)
 
And no, just because I am unhappy does not mean I need to see a doctor. And frankly, after today I don't think I'd take advice from any of you seeing as you all think you know everything about everything, when in fact you do not.
 
l.ark said:
OK. You can all stop now. You've made your point. I'm upset and I've learnt my lesson. You don't all need to carry on trying to argue with me.
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No-one is trying to argue with you, they're still trying to offer the help you asked for:(

Please just take my advice (and that of many others) and step away from the computer, go and tell your mum thanks for dealing with this woman, give her a big hug and have a cuddle.
 
l.ark said:
And no, just because I am unhappy does not mean I need to see a doctor. And frankly, after today I don't think I'd take advice from any of you seeing as you all think you know everything about everything, when in fact you do not.
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Have sent you a PM. xx
 
l.ark said:
And no, just because I am unhappy does not mean I need to see a doctor. And frankly, after today I don't think I'd take advice from any of you seeing as you all think you know everything about everything, when in fact you do not.
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No one on this thread has written any damning posts, you seem to blowing everything out of proportion, that may be due to your "depression" or it may not.

I think for your own sake it may now be time to close the computer and walk away and go do something that gives you pleasure.
 
Hun, you are choosing to not listen to the majority of posts x many are with you, I posted saying that I am cometly on your side , as I am struggling yet again with deppression, but you ignore similar posts, and antagonise ???

Please please look after yourself x
 
I.ark

From reading what has been wriiten and from your replies I think that you should not get a horse. NOBODY on here has been rude to you, in fact they have shown you kindness and given you valuable advice. You are taking everything as a personal attack. I have suffered form depresson since I was a teenager---in fact I would like to apologise to everybody who knew me at that time because looking back I was horrible. I thought that I knew everything and was the best at everything and I was the next John Whitaker. How wrong was I. Luckily I had an older horse who taught me some very valuable lessons about life and horses. Having a tantrum and being horrible is no way to deal with things. If you can not conduct yourself on a forum I dread to think what you would do with a horse, especially a youngster. I am fortunate to have two brilliant youngsters I have brought on myself. This has been with help and patience. No way could I of done this at 17. I was too immature. As you grow I hope your depression lifts and you get on with your life. I have not been so lucky. Please think about what you do regarding the horse/youngster because you will not be the one ironongt out the problems when it all goes wrong.
 
SaharaS said:
On a positive note, nobody has started on popcorn..grammar..spelling and there have been no death treats or troll accusations so we are doing really well!!
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Believe me , I was tempted. It is miraculous, frankly. :p

Fairynuff said:
you need to talk to someone qualified to help you. I don't think this is the place you need to be at the moment!
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Same. This 'hate' smacks of depression, being over sensitive etc, but equally, there is petulant child who's not hearing what she wants to hear. Ultimately, OP, none of us are going to influence what you buy. On my instructor's advice and based on her confidence in me, my first horse was 5. I should probably have got an older horse, but I coped, as no doubt you will. My YO found three horses and advised me but ultimately I chose and I wouldn't have bought him if I'd thought he wasn't 'the one'.

It's unfortunate to come on here and claim the 'hate' card when from what I could see, the posters were pretty caring and wanting to help.

Good luck with whatever you decide.
 
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Hi, so I went to see a horse today and he was really lovely.

He's 15.2, so a bit smaller than I'm used to but apparently I looked a good size on him. He's a thoroughbred and bright bay. He's also 4.

Me and my horsey friend rode him and I really liked him, although he is very lacking education wise..but I didn't expect much from a 4 year old. And he has a very level head on his shoulders. Very affectionate and friendly, too.

(End quote)

What about this chap anyway? Will you be taking another look at him?
 
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