How can I deal with this lady?

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Part of the reason this thread has taken such a huge downturn is because the OP was not asking for advice on what horse she should or should not buy. She was asking how to deal with an apparently controlling potential YO.. which very few people have answered.

Yes, she got upset. But c'mon people, she is 17.. a vulnerable age and although no one has been openly rude there have been posts that are less than kind. Do none of you remember what it was like to have your dreams shot down in flames at the age of 17?? I sure do, and it wasn't nice.

This is such a good forum in so many ways and has offered much support and advice to those who occaisionally need it badly.. but then something like this happens and it is always this sort of thread that a forum is remembered for. It reflects badly.
 
Ok hate was the wrong word. You can all stop with all the put downs now. You have all made your point. You as an online forum have come together to, on the whole, dishearten someone and upset them. So even if you didn't mean it, you did and I am grateful for the 'advice'.
 
Ladyinred said:
Part of the reason this thread has taken such a huge downturn is because the OP was not asking for advice on what horse she should or should not buy. She was asking how to deal with an apparently controlling potential YO.. which very few people have answered.

Yes, she got upset. But c'mon people, she is 17.. a vulnerable age and although no one has been openly rude there have been posts that are less than kind. Do none of you remember what it was like to have your dreams shot down in flames at the age of 17?? I sure do, and it wasn't nice.

This is such a good forum in so many ways and has offered much support and advice to those who occaisionally need it badly.. but then something like this happens and it is always this sort of thread that a forum is remembered for. It reflects badly.
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But I also remember what it was like to be 17 and not listen to the advise everybody gave me. I knew everything!!!!!
 
l.ark said:
Ok hate was the wrong word. You can all stop with all the put downs now. You have all made your point. You as an online forum have come together to, on the whole, dishearten someone and upset them. So even if you didn't mean it, you did and I am grateful for the 'advice'.
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Even now you are sounding negative and boarding on being rude. Nobody has said anything but the truth. Unfortunately the truth hurts sometimes especially when horses are involved!!!!
From reading the replies there are a lot of people on here with a lot of experience. Experience comes with age and unfortunately at 17 it is not something you have a lot of. Enjoy your teenager years.
 
Ibblebibble said:
how much experience do you have dealing with young people with depression?
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Ah well this is where I step in! :D

I am an avid Psychology University student and my long term partner suffers from depression and has done for many years. Depression is not an excuse to throw tantrums and have a fit, in fact it makes you less confrontational if anything! The feeling of low self-worth coupled with lethargy (common trait) means that you don't have a tantrum in you! In fact, depressives would much rather stay in bed all day sleeping as it is a pleasant state between consciousness and a dream where they don't have to worry about real life. It is all to do with brain chemicals but put simply; the levels of serotonin (a biochemical which is found in the brain, among other areas, which regulates mood, appetite and sleep patterns) are lower in depressives and this can affect a whole range of behavior. All antidepression drugs target the serotonin levels in the brain, hence why they help the patients. The serotonin levels can also be altered by foods such as chocolate, which has been proven to increase levels of serotonin thereby making the consumer feel better!
Depression and a violent temper rarely go together, and when they do it is a totally different disorder known as Bi Polar disorder where the person has avid mood swings between feeling elated and then feeling incredibly low. However this is not depression. Sorry for the long post but I really do despise it when people use depression as an excuse for bad behavior, depressive's don't want to stand out and draw attention to themselves, they would much rather blend into the crowd.

Ps. People with depression have NO self confidence and therefore if the OP does suffer from depression then a youngster would be a NIGHTMARE! It would only end in tears!
 
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Kallibear said:
I couldn't careless what your 'disability' is. Neither could your potential horse. The horse won't care if you have have depression, missing an arm or in a wheel chair: but you act like the sulky, petulant spoilt brat you've come across here, you'll make a mess of it, young horse OR old. Horses treat you at face value so being treated the same here will be learning curve.
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Horses (as far as we know) don't care about human unhappiness or illness, but that's hardly an excuse for the rest of us to "not care". :eek: How insensitive.

As for being a sulky petulant and spoilt brat, you could not be further from the truth. Why the personal insults? :mad:

I'm beginning to feel a little digusted with this thread now. Couldn't you just back off and give the girl a break?
 
You could have sent this thread in a very different direction early on (you know - at that point where you had your first tantrum...) by explaining what experience you do have, if you were able to say specifics like 'I single handedly broke a 14hh pony in and took it on to do A, B and C, it wasnt an easy process and I had to cope with X, Y and Z' I am sure you would have gained peoples confidences that it was a good idea for you to bring on another horse and then they would have been more constructive about how to deal with the YO

Instead you make a few vague comments like having experience and dealing with napping so its not surprising that some people thought your YO may have a point

After all they will be the ones to (literally) pick up the pieces and explain to your parents how your youngster managed to rear up and fall on you/run away on a hack/bulldozer you in the stable etc....

If you do have the necessary experience then you should have the maturity and patience to sit down with the YO and say that you will find your own horse but that you would appreciate their understanding and support throughout your search and thereafter
 
JFTD said:
And the forum has done in the past - e.g. when a certain 21ish y/old poster wanted to buy a foal and caused WWIII. The forum advised against - and that was without depression or extreme petulance and flouncing :D
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That would be me! :rolleyes:
I listened did I not? I wouldn't call it WWIII :P

You should stay l.ark! I did and apart from the occasional tiff, it's a brilliant place :)
l.ark, how much patience do you have with horses? I have very little patience for people, but have all the time in the world for horses. If you do get a youngster, shop around! Mt friend got an amazing 4yr old. He's more like a 'professional' 20yr old happy hacker!!
My friend got VERY lucky with him, as he was the first horse she looked at and he was cheap.

Good luck with horse shopping!
 
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OP - not going to cover the discussion about why or why not to have a youngster as I thin a lot of experienced and knowledgable people have taken the trouble to try and help you with that aspect.

I do however wonder that you aren't taking your Riding Instructor to view horses with you? They will know your riding and abilities and be a much better expert to take on viewings, also they will be the one working with you and your horse when you get them.

Taking your RI should give the YO confidence you arent just a young girl going to viewings alone and potentially at risk of being conned.

Good luck
 
I am surprised that your potential YO would be happy to help you to find a horse having not seen you ride, and your capabilities.

I would recommend that you have some lessons, either from the YO or an alternative instructor, and then, when they know your limits, tackle finding a horse from there together.

I'm not sure that a young horse or older horse is as important as the character of said horse. I bought my mare as a 6yr old and have a 5 yr old gelding now (mare is now late teens), and they had completely different characters and issues at roughly the same age!!

At the end of the day, it will be your horse, and you will be paying for it etc, so it is your choice, however, horse ownership and riding are meant to be fun, and getting a horse beyond your capabilities (not 'yours' but 'ones') can make the whole experience upsetting, disheartening and no fun at all!!

Personally, I wouldn't write off an 11 year old. That is pretty young, and you might find you would enjoy the horse much more than one that needs bringing on....but that's just me....
 
JFTD said:
I didn't actually mean that one :eek:

I meant the one who said she wanted one to take nice photos of 'cos they're cute :D
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*whispers* I really like taking pictures of Ned because he's cute.
Shock horror!!

That was the problem with that thread, that was a complete and utter joke :P I'd take a million and one pictures if I got a 45yr old donkey with 3 legs.
Anway, I'm glad you think I'm being a bit more sensible with Nedrick :P
 
Lilyoftheincas, you might want to read the thread properly, before commenting on what other posters have said, and in what order. Much better that than hanging on others coat tails....
 
Lolly dolly - exactly :( that is why I sleep most of the day :(

Rubbish time for me, and would ever want to par take in an argument :(

I suppose everyone is different though, I think op is just having teen age angst, I hope so for her sake
 
LollyDolly said:
The feeling of low self-worth coupled with lethargy (common trait) means that you don't have a tantrum in you! In fact, depressives would much rather stay in bed all day sleeping
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That's definitely what my mother did. Dashed inconvenient as it meant she didn't cook any food or do any laundry and I was only 14 at the time so couldn't drive myself to school either! :p

OP, I can totally understand why you want a youngster. I have only ever had young horses, I love them. If that's what you like and you are equipped to do it then go for it. I had (and still do if really pushed even now) an awful temper on me as a teenager but never with the animals. People drove me crackers (still do) but I had all the time in the world for the horses and the dogs and the cats.

ETS: I think you're already dealt with the YM so all to the good eh? :) Hope you find something lovely and come back to show us a photo :)
 
l.ark said:
OK. You can all stop now. You've made your point. I'm upset and I've learnt my lesson. You don't all need to carry on trying to argue with me.
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l.ark said:
And no, just because I am unhappy does not mean I need to see a doctor. And frankly, after today I don't think I'd take advice from any of you seeing as you all think you know everything about everything, when in fact you do not.
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You've used the words 'unhappy' and 'depressed' to describe yourself.

Extract from MIND: We often use the expression "I'm feeling depressed" when we're feeling sad or miserable about life. Usually, these feelings pass in due course.
But if the feelings are interfering with your life and don't go away after a couple of weeks, or if they come back, over and over again, for a few days at a time, it could be a sign that you're depressed in the medical sense of the term.
If you are in the first category then no you probably dont need to see a doctor. However if you are in the latter then i would suggest that you really do need to see a doctor.

BUT if this level of hypersensitivity to comments from strangers, interpreting posts including ones expressing concern, empathy and kindness as ones of hate are all normal behaviours for you then i think you need to take your own earlier suggestion and not come back to the forum because clearly its not doing your psyche any good at all. And thats not me being hateful or sarcastic, thats me feeling concern for a complete stranger.

I tried to explain in my previous post why i thought some people were asking questions about your ability etc. Also, obviously some people dont read the whole thread when its pages long so some new posters are repeating what others have said/asked. They also wont have seen your post saying that the situation with the YO has now been resolved. If you are finding the replies upsetting you can contact admin and ask them to lock or remove the thread for you, maybe for the best actually seeing as the YO problem is sorted anyway
 
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FionaM12 said:
Horses (as far as we know) don't care about human unhappiness or illness, but that's hardly an excuse for the rest of us to "not care". :eek: How insensitive.

As for being a sulky petulant and spoilt brat, you could not be further from the truth. Why the personal insults? :mad:

I'm beginning to feel a little digusted with this thread now. Couldn't you just back off and give the girl a break?
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I do not suffer fools gladly. Nor stroppy teenages. She wants to be treated like an adult (and get herself a horse to bring on) she needs to behave like one. Having a disability is no excuse to have a temper tantrum. If she has a disability that causes temper tantrums (and there are plenty that make keeping their temper difficult) then having a horse, young or old, may be a bad idea.

OP is sounding like a spoilt brat who p'd that no-one's telling her what she wants to hear. She is being treated accordingly. Maybe she's not like that in real life but that's how she comes across here.

Like others have said, if she's dealt with it in an adult manner it would have taken a very different direction.

As others, including myself, have said she needs to go and speak to the YO and find out WHY she is being prodded towards an older horse. There may well be a good reason for it! If not she can can sort the misunderstanding out with the YO and go from there (which hopefully won't include any of the flouncing shown here!)
 
Kallibear said:
As others, including myself, have said she needs to go and speak to the YO and find out WHY she is being prodded towards an older horse. There may well be a good reason for it! If not she can can sort the misunderstanding out with the YO and go from there (which hopefully won't include any of the flouncing shown here!)
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And if you'd actually read any of what I've posted, you'd know that I said she misunderstood and thought I'd said I did want an older horse. Back off and stop trying to cause arguments. Leave if you have nothing nice to say.
 
l.ark said:
Please can you all just stop now! I am begging you to leave me alone and stop trying to argue with me.
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have you even read the replies?
I wish people like this had given me that advice when my depression first kicked off. It's a real slap in the face when you've taken time out of your day to write a helpful post and someone comes back with a reply like that. People are just trying to help :)
anyway I hope you can pick out the useful advice and info from this thread :)
 
I.ark, yet again you are not reading most of the posts that are with you x

Please step back, take deep breaths, then read again, when you are calm xxx

I understand completly, pm if you want to :) x
 
Flame_ said:
That wasn't because of her age though, it was her own admission that she'd never heard of navicular but everyone on her yard thought her hopping horse might have it, so should she mention it when it had its jabs? Just saying... ETA - I think there was some petulance and flouncing as well, lol.

I was stuck on all sorts at 17 that I wouldn't entertain now, and confidence is the most important thing with youngsters, even before experience IMO.
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Agree with this to some extent - young people have very little fear and just get on with it and do you know most I've seen do really well despite the mutterings of us old hags in the background :D. However those that have done the best have been able to take advice from more experienced horsemen and horsewomen.

Take the 17 year old who having never had a horse in her life bought a 3 year old Rotspon gelding off a field and evented hime then took him successfully to the Nationals at Ele (unfortunately tragically died of colic just before competing at Medium). - BUT she took great advice and had great training from an Eventer she worked for and then a List 1 BD Judge and I've never seen a more dedicated or hard-working girl.

OP It's not your age but your attitude that would worry me.
 
This thread is becoming too much like a car crash for my liking. Either the OP is terribly troubled, in which case I now feel like a voyeur to someone unravelling (and I'm very, very sorry to have participated at all) . . . or this is all a wind-up, in which case I now feel like a mug.

Either way, I'm out.

P
 
l.ark said:
Please can you all just stop now! I am begging you to leave me alone and stop trying to argue with me.
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OP, I really suggest you leave the forum for now, if you don't like what you are reading, don't read it. I am not getting at you, maybe it's not a good time for you, when you are feeling stronger, comeback and read what people have said. Most of the advice is sound and from what I have read no one is getting at you. The trouble is with forums is that everyone will have something to say, whether or not we want to hear it. Most of us have been there and you won't be the last. Take care of yourself.
 
l.ark, if you just log off from this forum no one will be able to argue with you as you won't know what they are saying! Or press ignore user for everyone that has upset you.
If my 17 year old son talked like you do he would in for it big time! I'd give him a slap even if he is 6'4"! Just turn off the computer,....simples.
 
l.ark I have asked that this thread be locked as I don't think it's helping you in any way. So far no action has been taken. Perhaps if you report your OP and ask for the thread to either be locked or removed that may happen.

Whether you decide to report or not I suggest you stop following the thread from now on.
 
l.ark said:
And no, just because I am unhappy does not mean I need to see a doctor. And frankly, after today I don't think I'd take advice from any of you seeing as you all think you know everything about everything, when in fact you do not.
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Have you been diagnosed as depressive or not?

Don't want to argue, think you should politely tell the YO no thanks, but don't say you're depressed if you're not diagnosed. That's a very unfair impression and people offering advice without being unpleasant simply cannot make you desperately unhappy. Just log off if it bothers you. :confused:
 
Yep. Great. Can you all stop posting now. I've heard enough times today that I am petulant, spoilt, am a brat. You can stop. I get the picture.
 
I.ark... I confess to being a lurker on this thread.
Please don't be upset, take yourself away from it today, and come back tomorrow with a fresher, clearer head - not a criticism of you at all, but if you're not used to the forum I can understand why you've responded as you have.
In the meantime work out your next plan of action to finding your horse. He/she is out there waiting for you - just think about the end game, and accept the route to getting anywhere has it's challenges.
Please do come back though, as there is some great advise in this thread - just ignore what you don't agree with, and take the good bits.
Some of the posts are I reaction to yours, but always remember, an anonymous forum is going to see warts and all posts. H&H forum can be a bit like this, and has a reputation for it. Although to be honest I think the majority of posts are constructive and supportive.
I've argued with people in the past, but remember, we all share a common interest, and that is horses. I like to console myself that if we were all in the same room, we'd never dream of being so blunt at times... That's just forums.
Hope you find a suitable horse, take your time, and enjoy what should be an exciting time
 
Please don't use a depressive state of mind to excuse your rudeness. Diagnosed or not - it is actually offensive to people who do suffer with this condition but are not in the least bit rude or aggressive.

You have been offered very good advice, possibly not the words you where expecting, but that is life. You may well be more than capable of producing a youngster, but on the other hand your response on this forum does not back that possibility up. Your display of lack of patience and temper would sound alarm bells for me if I was contemplating selling you a youngster to bring on.

As somebody else has already said, you could be 17 or 70 - your attitude is not compatible with dealing with the day to day issues you will come up against handling young stock. Perhaps your friendly YO has not seen you ride, but assumedly she does actually know you? Perhaps it is more your general angry and impatient manner that is leading her to steer you away from a youngster?
 
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