I have no idea what to do - is it time to give up?

Casey76

Casey76

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I had hoped I would never have to consider this, but I'm wondering if I should give up trying with my youngster and sell him on. Even the thought breaks my heart.

I've owned Blitz since he was 7 mo old; he was meant to be my dressage horse. He has fabulous breeding and wonderful paces. Unfortunately he grew a little taller (164cm) than expected (154cm) and I have absolutely no confidence riding him.

I was the first person to sit on him, and he has never done anything untoward undersaddle. He's had babyish moments of too much energy and wanted to trot and canter for 10-20 mins before settling into work, but he's never bucked or reared whilst being ridden.

Unfortunately, the first time I was riding him without being on the lunge, he got a fright and took off; I fell off sustaining a concussion and a (now) long standing hip injury. I was already a nervous rider, and this, coupled with the fact that I find it painful to ride him, me confidence slithered away to nothing.

He costs me a fortune, as I'm currently paying my instructor to school him 2 hours a week; so while his schooling is coming on a pace, I'm still mainly riding - in walk - on a lunge line because I can't get the "what if's" out of my head (and I've had counseling, group therapy, individual therapy, hypnotherapy, been on a "horse riding with confidence" course (which really didn't do what it said on the tin))

B is five and a half now; he is the soppiest muppet on the planet. He hasn't much clue about spacial awareness, but there isn't a malicious bone in his body. I love him to bits, but I get absolutely no enjoyment out of trying to ride him. In fact I will duck as many opportunities as I possibly can to avoid riding him. It's doing him a great disservice.

I don't know why I'm so unconfident on him, as my confidence with Tartine is at an all time high, and our schooling is coming on great. I can laugh off the little misbehaviours that she can put in. We've started hacking alone (even if it is just 20 mins up the track). I love riding her. She makes me laugh when I'm riding. When I'm riding Blitz, I'm mainly so tense about thinking of all of the things that could go wrong, that I'm completely ineffectual.

I just feel that if I sell him (which I cant even think about without bursting into floods of tears), I'll be letting him down. I've been thinking about this for almost a year, and it is killing me.
 
:( :( You poor thing.
It does sound like you are going to really struggle to build your confidence with Blitz, it would almost be easier if you had lost your nerve on Tartine as well IYSWIM, but the contrast in how you feel must be quite hard to deal with.

I've seen nervous riders try to conquer their fear with their horses and they always just seem so unhappy. If you don't fit each other, then you just can't force it, and actually you've done the hardest thing in being brave enough to admit it.

I don't know enough about how people keep horses in france. Would a long term loan be possible? Whatever you decide, you mustn't think you've failed - he doesn't mind at all whatever you decide. We all come across horses that aren't right for us. It's extra heartbreaking for you because you've had him almost all of his life, but he won't be remotely concerned. xx
 
Oh Im so sorry to read this, and I do know exactly what you are going through, I completely lost my confidence on ebony for at least six months, I would not canter, I would not ride more than 10 mins from home... I was utterly torn over what to do for the best for her and it destroyed me. Luckily for me, one day it just started to change.

However, I can not tell you what to do for you or your boy. I can say this, we often think that by selling we are letting our horses down, but that is not always so. Often, we are selling because we know that we can not give them what they need - that is most definitely not letting your horse down, you would strive to find the right partner for your boy - and that is the most loving thing you can do.

I would say this - don't rush your decision, he is five and a half - there is plenty of time to decide. If selling him is so painful for you to consider at the moment then don't, perhaps look for a loaner, someone who can ride and enjoy him whilst you still own him. It will ease the financial situation, he will be having fun and being pampered, and it will give you the opportunity (if you do make the ultimate decision to sell) to see someone else can loving and caring for him, and adjust to that idea.
 
Sell him to a nice home.
Buy yourself a nice established 100% laid back bombproof/spook proof horse and enjoy your riding again.
There is no point having a horse that you don't enjoy riding.
 
milliepops said:
:( :( You poor thing.
It does sound like you are going to really struggle to build your confidence with Blitz, it would almost be easier if you had lost your nerve on Tartine as well IYSWIM, but the contrast in how you feel must be quite hard to deal with.

I've seen nervous riders try to conquer their fear with their horses and they always just seem so unhappy. If you don't fit each other, then you just can't force it, and actually you've done the hardest thing in being brave enough to admit it.

I don't know enough about how people keep horses in france. Would a long term loan be possible? Whatever you decide, you mustn't think you've failed - he doesn't mind at all whatever you decide. We all come across horses that aren't right for us. It's extra heartbreaking for you because you've had him almost all of his life, but he won't be remotely concerned. xx
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I agree with this, I have seen people struggle trying to gain confidence and it rarely works out if it is one horse they are struggling with, by being fine on T it shows the issue is deeper rooted than a mere blip, he is huge compared with her, very young and will probably have a few moments of exuberance every now and again, if you feel sick at the thought of that and of possibly having another fall then don't continue to push yourself it just isn't worth it.

As for failing or letting him down, failing is not giving in, keeping him for the sake of it and not doing right by him, letting him down would be much the same, winning and doing what is right for the horse is to set them up to succeed in a new life by having him well educated and able to go on to a different home, your job with him may be done now if he is ready to go on with someone more confident to get out doing stuff having fun and being a useful horse.
 
It sounds strange but sometimes, as much as we like a horse and even adore them, we just don't "click", like with people I suppose?

Sound advice above, nothing to add other than *huge hugs*
 
hi casey, you said yourself you are getting no enjoyment out of him, would it be possible to get someone to compete him on a sharer basis or loan so you still have some control over him, and continue to feel he is yours without breaking your heart about it?

it very clear that tartine is the horse for you at the moment, your`re doing great, if you enjoy her so much you are lucky.
 
People often talk about not clicking with their horse but I think this is the real definition of not clicking.
Riding is a dangerous and expensive hobby, if your not enjoying it then find him a nice home. I'm sure there are lots of people who will love him just as much as you do,and also enjoy riding him.

Confidence is a fickle thing. Giving yourself a talking to and applying logic doesn't always work unfortunately. Be thankful you have your other horse to know you haven't totally lost your enjoyment of riding. Many in this situation would assume they will never be confident again, because they aren't brave on their current horse.
 
Ill be brutally honest and say that if you are a nervous rider, bringing on a youngster is not a good idea. You need to have the confidence to ride him properly and that confidence will rub off on him. But you know that already dont you x It doesnt mean that you are a bad rider, nor does it mean that if you had a bit more confidence you wouldnt do a cracking job with him. It just means that when he needs you to be brave and show him what to do, you cant do it. Im the same, quite capable and I know exactly what needs doing..but I cant do it. I love riding my 11 year old highland pony, he can be a bit of a plank sometimes, but the difference is I know he isnt going to have babyish moments and I also know that if push came to shove, he would man up and keep me safe. If it is at all possible, financially and otherwise, I would be inclined to find a good, local amateur rider who would love the opportunity and would be happy to follow your plan for him. Maybe, in time, you will see him for the nice safe horse that he sounds as if he is, and once he is a year or two older you will be happy to hop back on. If thats not a possibility I, personally, would sell him on and find an older, more established horse to do the same job but with the miles on the clock x
 
It's no fun riding a horse that's taller than you like many riders are very height senestive I am one ,although every day I ride horses bigger than I like its a very different feeling when I get on C who is the perfect size for me because he's the ideal height neither too big or too small ( which I also don't like ).

I could give you a great spiel about riding more setting goals and getting help with him in lots of different ways , but whatever you do you can't change his size and as he matures he will feel bigger he's a great age to find a long term home and it sounds like he's well prepared to sell .
 
You have never let him down! You have made sure he has had the best start in life. Finding him a new home might be best for both of you. Not only for your confidence, but if it is physically painful to ride him, then that can't be doing you any good.
 
You would in no way be letting him down. Remember the saying "If you love someone you'll set them free". It's a touch dramatic but it might help you realise that it's probably for the best for him AND you.
 
I was in the same position as you, and understand how you feel. I made th decision to sell my young sports horses. It was a tough decision, but the right one. I immediately felt better when I had two homes sorted. I realise it's the right thing to do. I've just bought myself a nice one that's more my type. It took me a while to realise what my type was ��

I'm sure you will find the right home for him and you can watch him grow and remember it was you who started his career.
 
I know where you are coming from. I have a homebred, out of a mare I bred.

He's 8 now, and nearly 16.3. I am 5'2" and about 62kg. He's been very 'difficult'. I don't have the much confidence riding him. I hack him out - only in company as complete twit on his own. He's fired me off, many times, fortunately with out serious injury (but it hurts non the less, and I'll not see 50 again!).

I swing from hating him to loving him on a weekly basis. Some days the thought of getting on him fills me with dread. Some days I hate him and could have him PTS. He's done nothing work wise - who'd buy an 8yr old that can barely canter?
Then he'll be good brave lad and do something that suprises me, and I think yes we could make something of this partnership.

I too have other horses, that I am totally confident on and would anything with. I've got a new determination this last couple of weeks - partly because my friend has her 5yr old that was broken this summer, and he's already doing things that the big lad can't. Maybe its jealousy on my part, but it inspired me a bit at this current time.

I can't afford to have someone else ride him so its me or nothing.

I don't have answers for you, but rest assured there are others in the same place as you. You are not alone.
 
It does sound like you have already tried many things to improve your confidence and if none of them have worked I'm afraid I can't see anything changing, especially as you're fine on Tartine. That suggests the problem is with your relationship with him rather than a general one. I would find him a new home in your position. You certainly haven't let him down though. You've ensured his security, health and happiness and given him a really good start which means he'll be really well placed to find a lovely home, whether you loan or sell.
 
Keep your horse but put an ad on leboncoin.fr or chevalannonce.com for a cavalier. You can specify the level of galop you require, 4 as a minimum, I suggest. There are lots of ads on leboncoin at the moment which can help with the correct phrasing.

Obviously you can ask for a contrbution to costs if you wish but at least you can enjoy owning him, and perhaps get help and a new friend (human ) too.

PM me if you wish for help with ad phrasing etc.
 
Thanks everyone, for your opinions.

I've vacillated so often between sell/don't sell I feel like I'm riding a sine wave.

If I wasn't 100% confident on the ground with him it would be easier, but I have absolutely no qualms at all, even when he is being a bit of a prat and no one else will go near him. (But then again, he is *my* horse, and he respects me absolutely)

I think if I were to let him go, it would have to be completely. I admit I'm very precious about him, and there has only ever been me or my instructor ride him. I'm not sure I could watch someone else ride him, in case they did anything harsh/untoward etc. All his ridden career he has been ridden in a nice, friendly three piece snaffle and a very loose cavesson. he's never needed a martingale or flash, and I'd be upset if someone wanted to ride him with either.

it would be very difficult to find a loan home, as loans really don't happen in my area. Plenty of "leasing" where you rent a competition horse/pony for the season, but as he's never done anything, I wouldn't get any interest. He isn't your typical dressage horse, as he is too heavy (dressage judges prefer the finer boned-type SF), and he is terrible over poles as he really isn't a jumping horse. I have no idea what he is like to hack, as I've never left the arena with him, so his outside experience is very limited.

I'm not sure if I could convince my instructor to compete him a couple of times over the winter and sell him in spring once he has a couple of results on his record - but then again, our competition seasons follow the academic year not calendar.

I'm not sure if I could have a sensible conversation f2f with anyone about this, as I'm sitting here crying typing it out at the thought of letting him go.
 
It is supposed to be fun!
You will not be letting him down in any way, he's a horse and has no concept of 'what ifs'. Maybe selling him will be a positive thing, you will no longer feel guilty about not riding him or worried about riding him. He may go to someone that could bring out the best in him, whilst they may use different methods they may not be bad.
 
There's three sides to this. One - he doesn't have dreams of being the next valegro. His biggest ambition in life is to eat and poo normally. If you kept him as a big pet he wouldn't suffer any long term I'll effect. Two - you have dreams for his potential and would love to do that with him but currently can't. You can work on this, I'm testimant for that, but are you prepared to have another few years of his life being schooled by someone else in what are very crucial years he could be out competing getting a good education? Three - you could sell or loan to someone who is confident enough and he could reach the moon and you will always have the "I did that. I made that horse something worth riding."

Forget about the horse for the moment - what do YOU want to see him do.
 
Britestar said:
I know where you are coming from. I have a homebred, out of a mare I bred.

He's 8 now, and nearly 16.3. I am 5'2" and about 62kg. He's been very 'difficult'. I don't have the much confidence riding him. I hack him out - only in company as complete twit on his own. He's fired me off, many times, fortunately with out serious injury (but it hurts non the less, and I'll not see 50 again!).

I swing from hating him to loving him on a weekly basis. Some days the thought of getting on him fills me with dread. Some days I hate him and could have him PTS. He's done nothing work wise - who'd buy an 8yr old that can barely canter?
Then he'll be good brave lad and do something that suprises me, and I think yes we could make something of this partnership.

I too have other horses, that I am totally confident on and would anything with. I've got a new determination this last couple of weeks - partly because my friend has her 5yr old that was broken this summer, and he's already doing things that the big lad can't. Maybe its jealousy on my part, but it inspired me a bit at this current time.

I can't afford to have someone else ride him so its me or nothing.

I don't have answers for you, but rest assured there are others in the same place as you. You are not alone.
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you should advertise for a confident rider and see if someone would like to sort of part loan him I am sure you will find someone who is a good enough rider but can't commit to owning, I know how you feel I felt a bit out of my depth with one of mine but I have a lovely girl that rides my horse for me and it's actually given me confidence to ride him and be much better at it.
 
I have your T-shirt. I sent my Shagya colt away to be backed, he threw me the first time I rode him, we had lots of issues and I considered having him cut. I have been down your expensive route of stable jockeys and professionals for all our youngsters.

All changed when I found a BHS AI instructor, who is actually French. He has restored my confidence so much, I ride everything in our yard now, including my stallion who I love to bits, I have even started to jump him - I am an OAP.
 
equi said:
There's three sides to this. One - he doesn't have dreams of being the next valegro. His biggest ambition in life is to eat and poo normally. If you kept him as a big pet he wouldn't suffer any long term I'll effect. Two - you have dreams for his potential and would love to do that with him but currently can't. You can work on this, I'm testimant for that, but are you prepared to have another few years of his life being schooled by someone else in what are very crucial years he could be out competing getting a good education? Three - you could sell or loan to someone who is confident enough and he could reach the moon and you will always have the "I did that. I made that horse something worth riding."

Forget about the horse for the moment - what do YOU want to see him do.
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100% this. You've given him the best possible start and whatever you decide to do will be the best possible next step for you both. I hope you also feel better having written your thoughts and feelings down, it's always better out than in!
 
Would driving be an option?
You could also loan him to a riding school and get him back in a few years, it's something they do in France.
 
Palindrome said:
You could also loan him to a riding school and get him back in a few years, it's something they do in France.
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Loaning to a riding school would not be an option (not unless I want to get a girth shy, sore backed, farrier shy, ulcer ridden, dead to the leg, horse back) I liveried at a riding school for 8 years, and know all of the issues associated with riding school horses in my area :/
 
Casey76 said:
Loaning to a riding school would not be an option (not unless I want to get a girth shy, sore backed, farrier shy, ulcer ridden, dead to the leg, horse back) I liveried at a riding school for 8 years, and know all of the issues associated with riding school horses in my area :/
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Oh hunny I really feel for you coming back to this thread - we can all see what a painful decision you are facing. I know you find the prospect of loaning difficult, but perhaps you can discuss this with your instructor - perhaps she knows of some talented competition riders out there that would consider riding him for a season, having him with them so you don't have to be involved, perhaps with a view to buying at a price agreed before loan? This would give you the separation and non-involvement you need but also the time to adjust and be sure for yourself that you have made the right choice of home for him when it comes to selling him.
 
Antw23uk said:
Cant ad anymore than whats already been said but you are NOT letting him down and you mustn't think like that. Big hugs.
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Absolutely.

Carefully placed confidence breeds confidence and the best type of people to bring on young horses are those that are able to push them on at the right time, expand their experience and show them that there is nothing to fuss about.

Sell. (Easy said I know) but you have had a great experience, but to feel the way you do is horrible and you should be enjoying the fruits of your labour. Not dreading hacking out etc.
 
Casey76 said:
Thanks everyone, for your opinions.

I've vacillated so often between sell/don't sell I feel like I'm riding a sine wave.

If I wasn't 100% confident on the ground with him it would be easier, but I have absolutely no qualms at all, even when he is being a bit of a prat and no one else will go near him. (But then again, he is *my* horse, and he respects me absolutely)

I think if I were to let him go, it would have to be completely. I admit I'm very precious about him, and there has only ever been me or my instructor ride him. I'm not sure I could watch someone else ride him, in case they did anything harsh/untoward etc. All his ridden career he has been ridden in a nice, friendly three piece snaffle and a very loose cavesson. he's never needed a martingale or flash, and I'd be upset if someone wanted to ride him with either.

it would be very difficult to find a loan home, as loans really don't happen in my area. Plenty of "leasing" where you rent a competition horse/pony for the season, but as he's never done anything, I wouldn't get any interest. He isn't your typical dressage horse, as he is too heavy (dressage judges prefer the finer boned-type SF), and he is terrible over poles as he really isn't a jumping horse. I have no idea what he is like to hack, as I've never left the arena with him, so his outside experience is very limited.

I'm not sure if I could convince my instructor to compete him a couple of times over the winter and sell him in spring once he has a couple of results on his record - but then again, our competition seasons follow the academic year not calendar.

I'm not sure if I could have a sensible conversation f2f with anyone about this, as I'm sitting here crying typing it out at the thought of letting him go.
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I absolutely know how you are feeling right now. I was where you are now. I had the most adorable gelding who came to me completely untouched. I loved the bones of him. He was the most laid back giant labrador puppy of a horse on the ground. He'd follow me around the field resting his head on my shoulder. I just loved being with him.

Like you I had an accident on him during the backing/riding away process and was left with a huge mental block that I just could not get rid of.

I chose to rehome him (I gifted him to someone who I knew would take great care of him). It damn well nearly destroyed me and I still miss him now. Honestly? It was absolutely the right choice for both of us. He is out and about having fun with a fearless young rider and I now have a bonkers welsh cob who I have enormous fun with.

It's very hard, but sometimes we have to admit that our part of their journey is over and they need to start the next chapter of their lives with someone new. I'm proud that I gave my lad a good start in life and you should be too. You haven't failed him in any way and the fact that you are thinking of making such a brave and selfless decision proves that you have never, ever let him down in anyway.

Huge luck to you, whatever you decide. x
 
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