I just bought my first cob! Introduction + feed advice + photos!

[Blanche]

If I am guessing correctly that you were at Shelsley Walsh yesterday then I may be near you. I am willing to help you with things that need doing if you are near. Well apart from housework as that is awful! Love mucking out, poo picking, sweeping etc. Re housework have you thought of a temporary, or permanent cleaner. It would be one thing that you wouldn’t have to think about while you are sorting all legal or practical things. Sending virtual hugs.

 

[Red-1]

If I am guessing correctly that you were at Shelsley Walsh yesterday then I may be near you. I am willing to help you with things that need doing if you are near. Well apart from housework as that is awful! Love mucking out, poo picking, sweeping etc. Re housework have you thought of a temporary, or permanent cleaner. It would be one thing that you wouldn’t have to think about while you are sorting all legal or practical things. Sending virtual hugs.

That is very kind. It was at Harewood.

I have to make a decision on his car...

 

[ElleSkywalker]

That is very kind. It was at Harewood.

I have to make a decision on his car...

I think I'm possibly nearer to you than I thought, I should be able to drive again soon (leg op, haven't had licence removed) so if you want a partner in crime for anything or distraction let me know.

Re the car, do you think you'd miss it if it went? I know you've said it was something David really wanted, does that make you want to keep it for his sake, or because if it left you'd feel sad?

 

[Red-1]

I think I'm possibly nearer to you than I thought, I should be able to drive again soon (leg op, haven't had licence removed) so if you want a partner in crime for anything or distraction let me know.

Re the car, do you think you'd miss it if it went? I know you've said it was something David really wanted, does that make you want to keep it for his sake, or because if it left you'd feel sad?

I love the car. I can technically afford the car. I would never have spent so much on the car. It will be a lot more expensive ongoing. But, it won't substantially affect my quality of living money wise.

David loved it, was so excited. He re-configured it every day for the 9 months we were waiting for it. If David were looking down on me, he would be geeing me on to keep the car.

However, the house needs some work. I'm talking building type work, then making it nice inside. First we put it off because mum was ill, then Covid, then his mum was ill, then the money was in stocks and shares which tanked, so we didn't want to take it out. So, the house is behind on some work.

I feel safe in the car. But I have a car that I was happy with. That one is relatively cheap to run. Fun. But then, it isn't his car. It is also older and he had been nagging me to change my car. I wouldn't know what other car to have. But I would not have chosen his car, but it is beautiful.

My head is a shed for all the decisions, this one is so tricky and I don't know why as it is only a car.

 

[CanteringCarrot]

I'm the worst person to say anything about cars because I'm an automotive "enthusiast" of sorts, and possibly get too attached to some cars.

In your case, I can see the sentimental value behind this car. If it brings you joy to see this car on your property, keep it. Life is short. Experience joy.

I am curious as to what type of car this is, I won't lie! You've said how beautiful it is several times, so my curiosity is piqued.

 

[ElleSkywalker]

Its a very tough decision for you Red, ultimately whatever discussion you make will be the right one, as there are pluses and minuses to both. Have a hug

 

[gallopingby]

Red, cars are difficult to decide on, but …..without wanting to cause you further angst l wondered if you might consider swapping David’s new car, which you are a little concerned about for a smaller version, assuming there’s one available and selling yours which you say was possibly going to need replacing? You’d probably be able to get a favourable outcome from the car people as it’s almost new / within a return time frame, and you might feel happier in a similar but less flashy? car that David would have liked you to have?

 

[Fraggle2]

As just someone who is reading your posts...
I think from your posts you should keep David's car. If it didn't mean anything to you the decision would be easy to let it go. As your dithering I feel you need to keep it. There is no hurry to get rid, so keep it, use it and have fun with it. If further down the road you feel it's a luxury you don't enjoy anymore then you'll know its time to let go of it. X

 

[AmyMay]

I love the car. I can technically afford the car. I would never have spent so much on the car. It will be a lot more expensive ongoing. But, it won't substantially affect my quality of living money wise.

David loved it, was so excited. He re-configured it every day for the 9 months we were waiting for it. If David were looking down on me, he would be geeing me on to keep the car.

However, the house needs some work. I'm talking building type work, then making it nice inside. First we put it off because mum was ill, then Covid, then his mum was ill, then the money was in stocks and shares which tanked, so we didn't want to take it out. So, the house is behind on some work.

I feel safe in the car. But I have a car that I was happy with. That one is relatively cheap to run. Fun. ]b]But then, it isn't his car. [/b]It is also older and he had been nagging me to change my car. I wouldn't know what other car to have. But I would not have chosen his car, but it is beautiful.

When my father in law died, almost the first thing my MIL did was to sell his beloved luxury car. He loved it, so did she. But she didn’t need it. She spent the money on a new kitchen

 

[nagblagger]

It obviously too early to make such an emotional decision on selling or keeping Davids car. There is no hurry, decisions do not have to be made so quickly, take time out and look after yourself. You seem to be coping amazingly well and i am worried you are pushing yourself too hard.

 

[Errin Paddywack]

My dad took early retirement at the age of 63 and bought himself his first ever brand new car, not a luxury car but an economical one. Only ever had really old cars up till then. He spent ages researching the most reliable, sensible car and settled on a Mk1 Fiesta. They were then made in Spain so he reasoned that it wouldn't have the built in rust so many made in Britain cars had. Mum chose the colour, bright red. That was in the Dec, in April he died of lung cancer having just had his 64th birthday and their 36th wedding anniversary. Mum didn't drive but flatly refused to sell the car. Instead my sister had it on loan for the next 10 years before passing it to me. I had it for about 7 years before scrapping it. Dad was right, it was a good little car.
I was going to sell Michael's car straight away but have ended up keeping it, not that he particularly liked it but a spare is handy.

In your shoes I think I would keep it for now, far too soon to make a decision like that.

 

[Red-1]

I am going into the garage to find out what it will cost per year. It seems to need some sort of subscription for some of the functions. I don't know the cost of service or about the warranty. I just found out the cost of tax, it is nearly £600 a year. Insurance is also expensive.

I really would not have chosen this car!

But, when I drive it I feel safe and protected.

But, when on the driveway, it is a bit of a target for theft.

It is just a car but it is also wrapped up in me presuming it is 'too good' for me.

Goodness knows why I am getting so wound up about a blasted car.

 

[Haniki]

Someone I know died of Sudden Adult Death Syndrome age 30. He had just bought his dream car - an Aston Martin. His parents still have the car. It is kept garaged and just driven out on special occasions. They are just ordinary people, not especially wealthy but the car is a connection with their son.
I agree with @Errin Paddywack, it is probably too soon for you to make a decision. Can you delay it?

 

[Red-1]

Someone I know died of Sudden Adult Death Syndrome age 30. He had just bought his dream car - an Aston Martin. His parents still have the car. It is kept garaged and just driven out on special occasions. They are just ordinary people, not especially wealthy but the car is a connection with their son.
I agree with @Errin Paddywack, it is probably too soon for you to make a decision. Can you delay it?

The garage called today. If I hand it back I get more or less all of the money back. But that has to be soon.

 

[AmyMay]

The garage called today. If I hand it back I get more or less all of the money back. But that has to be soon.

It’s good to know that they’re being so reasonable.

Despite your feeling about it, with an eye to your future- the money may be better in the bank (???)

 

[Cavalier]

This might sound really daft but what if you gave the car back but bought a model version of it? You would still have the reminder of David and his love of the car but without the associated expense.

 

[Red-1]

It’s good to know that they’re being so reasonable.

Despite your feeling about it, with an eye to your future- the money may be better in the bank (???)

My sensible side agrees but, having just seem by husband drop dead where he stood, unexpectedly, I am not sure what is important any more.

 

[nagblagger]

As I said above, too early to make a decision, if you can afford the potential financial loss, only sell it if, and when, you are ever ready to. Do it in your own time not due to external (garage) pressure.

 

[Blanche]

That is very kind. It was at Harewood.

I have to make a decision on his car...

Unfortunately I’m no where near you, what a pity. I also got muddled about Shelsley Walsh, I thought it was the weekend just gone but it’s this coming weekend.

Wishing you ease in all the decisions you are having to make.

 

[chaps89]

As I said above, too early to make a decision, if you can afford the potential financial loss, only sell it if, and when, you are ever ready to. Do it in your own time not due to external (garage) pressure.

This.
It sounds like it will still have a lot of value if you kept it for now and made a decision to sell further down the line if you wanted too, just maybe not quite as much. The fact you haven’t sent it back instantly would suggest to me it’s worth keeping it for a while at least.

 

[SatansLittleHelper]

I haven't been on HHO much lately and have only just caught up with this thread.
Red, I'm so very sorry you have had to go through all of this. Mr Red sounds like he was such a lovely man, I'm so sorry for your loss.
When my daughter died I really struggled to put one foot in front of the other and, looking back, I was on autopilot for alot longer than I realised. But, while there is definitely some comfort in the mundane day to day routines, you are doing really really well to have gotten out of your comfort zone. Just don't push yourself too hard.
The house, riding, etc will be there for you to come back to...the horses won't mind the holiday and you probably don't need the pressure just now. Huge hugs xxx

 

[Red-1]

I forgot to say yesterday's achievements.

Started by baking bread, doing 4 wash-loads and horse chores. Did an Ocado shop in my own name, opening a new account but at checkout they wouldn't give me the £20 off for a new account as the address and name was the same as David's account, and they decided we were the same customer. I emailed them and explained why I was a new customer, and they have relented. Seems like a small win. Hoovered round too.

Next up, funeral director. He is doing me a video of David, made from photos I sent, to play at the funeral, and he now also has the clothes David wore to his Lancaster day out. It is for his final journey.

Then...
A shed load of more serious and tedious paperwork, that isn't sorted yet. It started to feel all insurmountable, so I quit and went for lunch and to the saddlers with a friend. It was a tough one as they are the same places that David and I would go. I toughed it out. My friend was amazing. The paperwork is something that can be sorted, but it will be a long job and will delay the completion of paperwork. It is the fault of a solicitor making an error way back and going out of business, so is rather frustrating.

Back at home I did horse chores and then decided to cut the spare paddock as it is deep in lush grass. The little tractor struggled and was cutting out, so only half of it is done, but I did make a start. I think I need to get the local tractor mechanic to come and show me how to operate it correctly and also what levels need checking. It will need a service too as the cutting out is long term, as are the deflating tyres. I feel that after the funeral would be better, but then I don't want to break it by hammering it while something is wrong.

Finished doing stuff for 7.45, had tea and went to bed. I ate well today. Fresh bread for breakfast, lunch out with my friend and tea... it was date surprise. You know where you muck out the fridge and eat whatever is going out of date. I had grilled David's black pudding with grilled tomato, with much of last week's salad. Paired with a cheeky red wine that was on offer from Ocado. Celebrating, because I did another day. Good job it was an early night as Cracker-dog got me up at 05.10 again this morning. Good job he is cute!

 

[MyBoyChe]

Two different car stories for you, when my father died, exactly the same way as David, just dropped to the floor and was gone, my mother couldnt bare to look at the car as they went everywhere together in it. Dad had only owned it for about 4 months so my brother took it back to the dealer and they arranged to sell it for us, a bit of a loss but Mum didnt have to look at it. I have just bought myself my dream truck, a lovely black Hilux. The lady selling it had kept it on her drive for just over a year after her son died. It was his dream car too and she just couldnt let that bit of him go, not until she had come to terms with the fact he wasnt coming back. Knowing that actually makes me love this truck that little bit more than I would normally, I even wash, polish and talk to it!! Not sure whether youve mentioned, or want to mention what the car is. Im slightly curious as Im trying to envisage you driving it to the local tack shop But, at the end of the day, other than the financial implication, there is no rush so take your time. Make decisions when youre more sure of your feelings, rather than now when you are in turmoil x

 

[JGC]

My mum didn't want to get rid of my dad's car - had only had it a few months and he always put so much research into choosing them, but it really wasn't the right car for her in the end and she ended up getting really upset because she scraped it in a car park because it was dad's car and she always took so much care of it. It was a real weight off her when she let it go. But she definitely wasn't ready to make the decision straightaway.

Don't pressure yourself too much to make a decision - if you can't decide now, well you can't. It would lose you some money, but if you can cover it, think of it as paying for a bit less stress right now.

Another thought - what would be your dream car? Could you maybe send David's back and get your dream, as a nice way to use the money?

 

[Red-1]

12 days yesterday. Yesterday had some gains.

Washing. I have no idea why I am doing so much washing. 4 washes day before yesterday, another 4 yesterday. Mats, dog beds, just stuff, all washed and dried and clean. I must run out of stuff to wash soon.

Horse chores of course, then I needed to do weed spraying. I went to the garage and found a sprayer that I couldn't make hold pressure, but then I found a brand new one in a box, unused, so I guess David couldn't make the old one hold pressure either. I couldn't get the lid off the new one

Found some glyphosate type weed killer but it had leaked so I couldn't see the instructions. Put 3 measures in the 5 litre container via the air pump hole, as the lid was still stuck. Of course I splashed some in my face, but I had glasses on so not in my eye. So, the yard, drive and parking area is sprayed. No idea if it is the right concentration, but it is done!

Then, rolling the horse patio area. Did a cr@p job, but it is done.

Then, cutting the end paddock. I started this yesterday but the tractor over-heated, which it did again today. I would be more upset, but it has been over-heating for a while. Came back into the house and called the service place to arrange a service and for them to buy back the hedge cutter. I have also asked them to teach me how to correctly use the tractor when it returns - including what fluids to out where. They are going to assess my other equipment and teach me to use it or tell me what would be better.

The finance man came to copy the death certificate, and then the vicar. The funeral service is sorted and I also have a date confirmed.

The vicar finished just in time for me to finish cutting the paddock wit the now cooled mower, and then I went swimming in the cool lake. I needed a swim. As I got back, the house looked so 'normal' with David's car in the drive and everything normal, it took me aback at how everything has changed in the past 12 days. The house felt very empty. Forced myself to eat and finished the day by sending some emails to tell people when the funeral will be.

It all still feels relentless and overwhelming, and the house feels very empty.

 

[SEL]

Your grass is as bright green as mine - this time last year it was all burnt off. I feel exhausted reading everything you got up to. There will always be jobs so make sure you take some time for you as well xx

 

[gallopingby]

Well done Red, l agree with SEL, you’re doing great but it does sound as if you’re on the go all day which will be good for now. I wonder if you should consider seeing if you can find a gardener / handyman to do some of the heavier jobs? The weed killer will be fine - if you’ve made it a little strong it will work even better . Strimming is on my list of things to do today, it’s been so wet the lawn mower won’t be happy so l’ll have to divide the strimming up into sections. I tried pony power last year but that wasn’t very successful. Hope you’re able to resolve a few more things today.

 

[Red-1]

Well done Red, l agree with SEL, you’re doing great but it does sound as if you’re on the go all day which will be good for now. I wonder if you should consider seeing if you can find a gardener / handyman to do some of the heavier jobs? The weed killer will be fine - if you’ve made it a little strong it will work even better . Strimming is on my list of things to do today, it’s been so wet the lawn mower won’t be happy so l’ll have to divide the strimming up into sections. I tried pony power last year but that wasn’t very successful. Hope you’re able to resolve a few more things today.

I will try to find a contractor to strim then dig ditches and also fence repair. It all got out of control as David was tired, which he put down to ageing. The strimming is so bad that I've had to disconnect the electric around the back of the field as the electric rope isn't even visible in the undergrowth - deep nettles and hawthorn. They aren't on that field, I hasten to add.

I feel that I need to land running, with things being so far behind.

Yes, I think the weedkiller would have been too strong rather than too weak. I have the arena still to spray bit was waiting to see if the weeds die on the strength I used already first!

 

[chaps89]

With the weed killer, if you know the brand can you Google it to see what concentration it should be?
Im glad you’re making time to do nice things as well, like swimming in the lake, it’s important to take time for yourself in all of this.
How is Risgbys eye looking now?

 

[cauda equina]

It's a really good plan, to get someone in to do the field jobs.
That will leave you more time, energy and head space to do the jobs which only you can do, and to do some pleasurable things alongside the 'have to' things
It sounds as if you're still finding things daunting, but look how far you have come already
Sending best wishes to you and Rigs x