im i being unreasonable exercising my horse 3/4 times a week

[Twinkley Lights]

My hubby isn't horsey but he likes me to have a hobby , exercise and a social life as he wants what is best for me. He is also one of those men who hates to come home to an empty house and will starve himself at weekends if I'm not around to make him brekkie etc - not cos he expects me to do it just cos he doesn't think it thru - yes he is an adult! However he wouldn't dream of throwing a wobbly and when he comes home and I'm not around he says he missed me when I get back and did I have a nice time. He is in between hobbies himself as he can't play football due to age and lack of a vets team near us. He does not judge me - personally I think your hubby is just rubbish at expressing himself and it's coming out as grumpy which won't do him any favours and just hacks you off.

Personally I would tell him how you feel and give him a chance to be a bigger man. I wouldn't make dinner before I go unless it's slow cooker etc but I might leave a post it on the fridge re: what's for supper and how to do it. Having said that we only see a snapshot of things on here so hopefully the lack of things horsey in common is balanced by other ties that bind you together as lack of common purpose and interests can be a real issue.

Good luck and chin up what you are doing is normal.

 

[EJ87]

Its easy to assume the fella is in the wrong but we all have to balance our lives and we don't know the full picture here. Does the OP work and pay for own horse costs as well as half the household costs or does hubby cover costs? If he's paying majority of household costs and/or horse costs he might feel that he's getting a rough deal. When I didn't work I accepted that housework/meals were solely my responsibility - they were my 'job' out of respect for my partner supporting me financially. However I now pay my way - hubby encourages me to ride as he knows its important to me and helps me de-stress. He'll even help out on occasion and as we both work full time household duties are shared fully.

I do work full time and only my own money pays for my horse he does not contribute to the keep of my horse in any way. He may pay the mortgage but I pay for our utilities like food etc and do all the cooking and cleaning. He earns nearly 3 times as much as me so I feel this isnt unreasonable.

 

[AmyMay]

do all the cooking and cleaning.

One has to ask why???

 

[EJ87]

One has to ask why???

because he pays the mortgage and I dont earn the money to pay half so I earn my keep by cooking and cleaning.

 

[Twinkley Lights]

But you are married hunny this isn't a cash barter transaction Oh bless you.

 

[LJN]

I work full time but am lucky enough to have my horse on (nearly) full livery - so I go to the yard at 6am and ride and have horsey cuddles, then I save the evenings for my OH and the dogs. He has a pretty full on job, and I like to make him a nice meal in the evenings but he always understands if I am knackered and want a take away/cheese on toast

I pay for my horse myself, and I contribute 50% of mortgage, bills etc so as far as I am concerned, it's my money to do what I want with!

At the weekends I go off competing and he goes off cycling. Sometimes he comes to my comps or lessons and videos me to help me improve.

It works for us because he has his own hobbies, OP does your hubby not have any hobbies of his own?

 

[Armas]

Op if you were not married I would tell him to jog on !

 

[AmyMay]

because he pays the mortgage and I dont earn the money to pay half so I earn my keep by cooking and cleaning.

You're supposed to be a partnership....... Are you married to this man, or merely a live in convenience??

 

[EJ87]

I work full time but am lucky enough to have my horse on (nearly) full livery - so I go to the yard at 6am and ride and have horsey cuddles, then I save the evenings for my OH and the dogs. He has a pretty full on job, and I like to make him a nice meal in the evenings but he always understands if I am knackered and want a take away/cheese on toast

I pay for my horse myself, and I contribute 50% of mortgage, bills etc so as far as I am concerned, it's my money to do what I want with!

At the weekends I go off competing and he goes off cycling. Sometimes he comes to my comps or lessons and videos me to help me improve.

It works for us because he has his own hobbies, OP does your hubby not have any hobbies of his own?

He has no hobbies of his own hes not interested in football or any sports for that matter hes really quite boring and never had any hobbies so its not like its any different from before he met me to now.

 

[Miss L Toe]

Married one like that, I housed him and fed him and so on, then I had to pay for the divorce!

 

[AmyMay]

Married one like that, I housed him and fed him and so on, then I had to pay for the divorce!

Now that is taking the mickey!!

 

[unicorndreams]

I do work full time and only my own money pays for my horse he does not contribute to the keep of my horse in any way. He may pay the mortgage but I pay for our utilities like food etc and do all the cooking and cleaning. He earns nearly 3 times as much as me so I feel this isnt unreasonable.

In that case he needs to 'man up' lol

Perhaps he can afford a housekeeper heheheheh

You could try to encourage him to get a hobby of his own so that he is less dependent on your company? (edit) seen your latest - yeh my OH is like that too - no hobbies, etc and I sometimes think he must find his life very dull but he says he's happy enough - I'd be climbing the walls!

 

[LouiseG]

I'm lucky if I'm home before 8pm during the week (and I'm on full livery!!) and spend most of my weekend up at the stables. My husband works offshore, and when he's home he helps me at the yard filling haynets and shovelling poop at least 3 or 4 times a week! He comes on hacks on his bike or on foot, and always has my dinner ready for me when I come home if he's home first!

He has plenty of hobbies himself so his life is full with things he loves doing which are equally time consuming, so we both have a mutual respect for the fact that our "hobbies" are important to us and make us happy and without them we wouldn't be the same people.

 

[LJN]

He has no hobbies of his own hes not interested in football or any sports for that matter hes really quite boring and never had any hobbies so its not like its any different from before he met me to now.

Can you try and introduce him to some fun outdoorsy type adventures? Or send him out with his friends one evening during the week?

I don't mean to be rude or upset you, but what do you talk about if he has no hobbies and isn't interested in your hobbies?!?

 

[MerrySherryRider]

If having your OH's dinner on the table was the real problem, it would be easy to have something cooking in the oven or slow cooker ready for you both at 6.30 and peace and harmony would be restored.

The issues are more complex, your OH isn't happy and both of you need to find a way back to caring enough to want to be a partnership again. Compromise isn't a sign of weakness, its a skill.

 

[Velma]

Yikes, I ride 5-6 times a week and regularlary not home till 8/8.30pm during the week. My hubby is also completely non horsey but is very supportive and never, ever moans about the time I spend with my horse and lo and behold if he ever did...but then he has his own hobbies too. Perhaps your OH needs to find something he likes doing!

As for tea on the table...pah! Can't he make his own? We take it in turns during the week and just have quick stuff.

 

[EJ87]

Can you try and introduce him to some fun outdoorsy type adventures? Or send him out with his friends one evening during the week?

I don't mean to be rude or upset you, but what do you talk about if he has no hobbies and isn't interested in your hobbies?!?

Thats another problem we dont talk any more or do anything together anymore. if we go for a drive in the car its usually in silence or if we in the house its normally the tv having the coversation or us arguing!

I dont thank theres a spark anymore and the only thing that keeping me from walking out is I have no savings and dont earn enough to keep my horse in livery and rent a house for myself. feel really stuck at min think my only hope if to sit tight and get house sold and go with wats left?? although he build the house cant see him selling it to easily!

 

[SadKen]

Whilst I think that the OP's husband is being unreasonable to an extent, I think the question perhaps should be why. The lack of hobbies hints at a lack of satisfaction with life. He'll be seeing the OP off doing something she really enjoys and might well feel jealous. If he doesn't have any hobbies or friends, he has no social interaction and nobody to talk to. If he's lonely at home, this can all combine to an 'I want you here to share the misery' effect.

OP you could be a bit clever here and start getting him interacting. There must be SOMEthing he's interested in, friends he has that he could spend more time with? You'll have to be smart about it but once he's got some other people to lean on/spend time with, he'll be happier for you to go do your thing. He might well need your support, especially if he's a bit down on himself.

Do you have a dog? Might be worth getting one if not. Sweeping generalisation - men love dogs and it gets them walking! I'd also make a bargain with him for what time you will spend together and spend it doing something fun. You can get them to talk by doing something really unusual and enjoyable - I recommend a theme park!

Don't let it get any worse, if you do want to keep being married to him. Contempt is a killer for marriages.

 

[EJ87]

If having your OH's dinner on the table was the real problem, it would be easy to have something cooking in the oven or slow cooker ready for you both at 6.30 and peace and harmony would be restored.

The issues are more complex, your OH isn't happy and both of you need to find a way back to caring enough to want to be a partnership again. Compromise isn't a sign of weakness, its a skill.

I normally always have dinner on or ready by half six as im normally actually home by 6 or 6.15 just this time i was late even though I left a note to say what dinner was as he threw a wobbler last week as i was slightly later and didnt leave a note to say what was for dinner. But even when I left note still wasnt good enough. O and I didnt empty the dish washer he had to do it all by his self!!! even though I normally dont empty the dishwasher to after dinner is done and dirty dishes are ready to go in!

 

[AmyMay]

I normally always have dinner on or ready by half six as im normally actually home by 6 or 6.15 just this time i was late even though I left a note to say what dinner was as he threw a wobbler last week as i was slightly later and didnt leave a note to say what was for dinner. But even when I left note still wasnt good enough. O and I didnt empty the dish washer he had to do it all by his self!!! even though I normally dont empty the dishwasher to after dinner is done and dirty dishes are ready to go in!

Time to clear out i'd say.

Good luck.

 

[rafty]

Does your husband live in 1950? I wouldn't mind a non horsey person not getting the whole horsey lifestyle, but any adult should be able to understand that something makes you happy & is a big part of your life.

I've only just started reading this thread, but I had to comment on this. If it had a like button I would have pressed it! I am going to use this on my husband, he hates horses and cannot understand me spending time with my horse either, especially if it interfers with how I look after him. So I love 'any adult should be able to understand that something makes you happy and is a big part of your life'.

 

[LJN]

I really feel for you OP, what a horrid situation. Maybe you could give your horse a week off work and spend some time with your hubby trying to find a hobby you can do together? Maybe if you spend a few days away from the horse, he will chill out enough for you to have a proper conversation?

I think you should talk to a solicitor about where you would stand money wise if you were to leave him...

 

[Tinsel Trouble]

I normally always have dinner on or ready by half six as im normally actually home by 6 or 6.15 just this time i was late even though I left a note to say what dinner was as he threw a wobbler last week as i was slightly later and didnt leave a note to say what was for dinner. But even when I left note still wasnt good enough. O and I didnt empty the dish washer he had to do it all by his self!!! even though I normally dont empty the dishwasher to after dinner is done and dirty dishes are ready to go in!

You are his equal, not his mother/ house keeper. I would move out. I am sure it seems logistically very hard, but find a field for your donkey (to keep costs down) and look on www.spareroom.co.uk for a quick, cheap, short term place to live.

 

[EJ87]

Whilst I think that the OP's husband is being unreasonable to an extent, I think the question perhaps should be why. The lack of hobbies hints at a lack of satisfaction with life. He'll be seeing the OP off doing something she really enjoys and might well feel jealous. If he doesn't have any hobbies or friends, he has no social interaction and nobody to talk to. If he's lonely at home, this can all combine to an 'I want you here to share the misery' effect.

OP you could be a bit clever here and start getting him interacting. There must be SOMEthing he's interested in, friends he has that he could spend more time with? You'll have to be smart about it but once he's got some other people to lean on/spend time with, he'll be happier for you to go do your thing. He might well need your support, especially if he's a bit down on himself.

Do you have a dog? Might be worth getting one if not. Sweeping generalisation - men love dogs and it gets them walking! I'd also make a bargain with him for what time you will spend together and spend it doing something fun. You can get them to talk by doing something really unusual and enjoyable - I recommend a theme park!

Don't let it get any worse, if you do want to keep being married to him. Contempt is a killer for marriages.

I tried so many time to get him out and about I even bought him a bike for his birthday and bought us a tent to go camping well said both sits in garage never used. I went to a bbq on sat night asked him to go but wouldnt go as it would be full of 'HORSEY' people so said why dont you give such and such a ring and go for a drink or something and you guessed it he never did it. I also never arrange anything for a sunday as it his only day off a week so we can speand the day together but now all we seem to do is sit and watch tv in silence!

 

[LJN]

If you were reading this thread instead of writing it, what would your advice be?

 

[EJ87]

I tried so many time to get him out and about I even bought him a bike for his birthday and bought us a tent to go camping well said both sits in garage never used. I went to a bbq on sat night asked him to go but wouldnt go as it would be full of 'HORSEY' people so said why dont you give such and such a ring and go for a drink or something and you guessed it he never did it. I also never arrange anything for a sunday as it his only day off a week so we can speand the day together but now all we seem to do is sit and watch tv in silence!

o and i already tried the whole theme park thing wouldnt go on anything said he would take inner ear! and as for the dog he wont have a dog unless hes about 24/7 which is fair enough really. I wouldnt want another being to suffer or feel like me when it dosnt do a trick correctly!

 

[EJ87]

If you were reading this thread instead of writing it, what would your advice be?

honestly ... go your only young once and yes im only 25!

 

[Miss L Toe]

I really feel for you OP, what a horrid situation. Maybe you could give your horse a week off work and spend some time with your hubby trying to find a hobby you can do together? Maybe if you spend a few days away from the horse, he will chill out enough for you to have a proper conversation?

I think you should talk to a solicitor about where you would stand money wise if you were to leave him...

Take my advice, get out, if you need to chane the locks, make sure you remove all your cash from a joint account

 

[AmyMay]

honestly ... go your only young once and yes im only 25!

I'm guessing you're not married to this man, and he's quite possibly older.

Clear out now, move back home, get your life back on track and move on.

Life is simply toooooo short.

 

[LJN]

GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!!!!!!!!!!