im i being unreasonable exercising my horse 3/4 times a week

[lcharles]

I think you should divorce him, have half his hard earned money and let him learn how to cook for himself every night! X

 

[EJ87]

I'm guessing you're not married to this man, and he's quite possibly older.

Clear out now, move back home, get your life back on track and move on.

Life is simply toooooo short.

unfortunately i am married to him 2 full years now and he is 5 years older than me.

 

[AmyMay]

Ah, just read another post where you talk about you and your husband thinking about starting a family.

Time for a good old sit down and chat about your future I guess, and what being in a marriage and partnership is really all about. And about mutual respect.

 

[debsey1]

I think the issues you have are not with your horse. The horse is the catalyst to your problems.

You need to talk, I do feel for you, I hope you work things out but don't sell the horse because that won't work either. Good luck

 

[Honey08]

I dont thank theres a spark anymore and the only thing that keeping me from walking out is I have no savings and dont earn enough to keep my horse in livery and rent a house for myself. feel really stuck at min think my only hope if to sit tight and get house sold and go with wats left?? although he build the house cant see him selling it to easily!

Thats a silly reason to stay isn't it. You could find a grass livery yard or a sharer - anything...

I have had a few friends in your situation. Both married to big earners, that OH and I like to call "Big I Ams". They are both made to feel like muck and that they wouldn't be where they are without the husband. The husband neighbour can only talk about money and what he has bought for his wife... "I've bought her a new car.. I've bought her a horse.." I always find that strange, most people would say "She has got a new car, or a horse.." The other one was a livery, and would get phonecalls of screamed abuse if she wasn't home by six and threats that he would sell the horse "as I paid for it anyway.."

I couldn't bear to be with someone like that. OH and I have to make every penny work, and don't have new cars etc, but we're happy. We argue obviously now and again, but would never talk down to others about them. I'd rather have no money at all. These guys think they own you.

OP you are so young - get out before there are any children involved. It may be hard work and upsetting (these men don't take it lying down!) but god will it be worth it later on when you are a free agent and can have a life again.

 

[Tinsel Trouble]

Can I relay the only thing about being a grown up I have ever learned (and I am 26).

Some relationships just don't work, and you don't have to make them work if you don't want to.

I used to feel alot of pressure to make a relationship work, and to act as devils advocate to see the other person's point of view. Now I can't be bothered, and I don't care. I am sure it takes alot of effort and sacrifice to make any marriage work- but you have to ask yourself are you doing it because you want to, or because that's what you have been taught to do by parents/ society/ friends.

 

[jenbleep]

"Earn my keep"

????? You are not his slave, you are his wife, his partner!! He sounds like he lives in the 50s, but he is only 30!! Shocked.

You need to man up and stand up to him, he sounds very controlling and you need to take a stand or get out whilst you still can. Riding 3/4 times a week and getting in at 6.30 is still part time in my eyes! Christ when I ride after work I don't get in until 8ish, and I'm stinking I wouldn't have it any other way and is my OH doesn't like it, well, as my ex-boyfriend what happens

Good luck x

 

[Jesstickle]

I'm not going to say 'stay' or 'go' as relationships are incredibly complex and I have about a millionth of the picture BUT

1) are you happy?
2) if not can the things stopping you being happy be fixed through conversation and compromise?
3) if not what are you going to do to make sure you are happy?

For the record, my OH isn't horsey but he knows they are important to me so he tries to facilitate me having them anyway he can (does the house work, poo picks, takes photos) In return I try and watch him row when I'm free and let him have the TV remote/play X box. As you can see, most of the compromise in our relationship comes from him!

 

[Tallante]

Sounds to me as if your husband is jealous of the horse and the time you spend with it.

Would his temper improve if you spent more time with him? I doubt it.

 

[Sugar_and_Spice]

OP I could have written this thread, except I wasn't married. I tried all the solutions and compromises on this thread but it was a waste of time. The problem was not a relationship in a rut, the problem was he wasn't a nice person. Eventually I saw that and I left. It was the best thing. You think you can't possibly survive on a low wage but really you can when you have to. Get your money out of any joint accounts, cancel the utilities direct debits and leave. Take any possessions or furniture etc that was bought by you or bought as presents to you. If house is in his name and he pays all the mortgage then let him have it, as the easiest option if you don't want to argue. Rent a flat if you can afford it or a room if you can't. Get your first months deposit by borrowing off a trusted friend or family. You work full time so can soon pay it back. Utilities and food etc will be much cheaper if its just you in a smaller property. Investigate whether your wage is low enough to claim benefits. Put horse on cheap livery and get a sharer. You'll still be married for now but that doesn't stop you starting your life over again.

 

[Miss L Toe]

Ah, just read another post where you talk about you and your husband thinking about starting a family.

Time for a good old sit down and chat about your future I guess, and what being in a marriage and partnership is really all about. And about mutual respect.

No No no
just do what you want to do, I suspect he is manipulative, and does not love you. loves himself, free nookie and tea on table.

 

[Hippona]

At 6.30 I'm only just getting started more or less at the yard lol

Same here.....

Often OH will cook whilst I'm at the yard and I walk in to a cooked meal and OH doing the ironing

We trade off though...I'm a bad cook and hate ironing so I do other chores...

 

[Mark Gilbert]

Educate him, he proberbly doesnt understand. Us blokes are not always the brightest at times!

I hold down a full time job, and have to excercise my horses/ponies to get them fit, lucky for me my wife understands!

The problem is horses are time consuming like all animals. Buy him a greyhound to train! or better still teach him to ride! then you can ride together.

 

[AprilBlossom]

Good grief, have only read a page or so, and I'm on the side of your poor OH!
If you've suddenly changed your riding habits and he was used to a different routine he has right to be a bit miffed at you suddenly out and about a lot more frequently.

You're meant to be in a relationship with him, and that works both ways. My OH gets cross with me from time to time as I can spend far longer than he'd like at the yard, so I make a conscious effort not to faff too much and be home by a reasonable time to have dinner together, regardless of who cooks (we share cooking duties).

It doesn't sound like you love this man anymore, but don't make him out to be the bad guy because of that...sometimes relationships just don't work out, there doesn't have to be a bad guy in it - lay off him

 

[wench]

Well I will stick my nose in with the dinner point...

If for example the chap in question had just done a 14/16 hour shift at work, I could understand them being mad for getting home, and there being nothing to eat; assuming that OH doesnt work really long hours. However, in this situation a comprimise could be made and something left in a slow cooker to help yourself to, or leftovers from last night ready to heat up in the fridge.

Maybe the bloke really cant cook. Few days a week my dad works stupid long hours as above, for very little money. However, we always make sure his tea is ready for him when he wants it as he has a very hard job.

 

[Sugar_and_Spice]

Aprilblossom, since when does a person need their OHs permission to change?! People can change their habits or personality of their own free will. Sometimes that means relationships no longer work, if the other person can't adapt to the change. Still doesn't give that other person a right to "throw a wobbler" as the OP puts it.

Miss L Toe I found the exact same thing. I basically could have been anybody, as long as I towed the line. He didn't care about me just liked to use my meagre wages to supplement his huge wages. I was there to increase his income, be housekeeper and the rest. Having the situation exactly how he wanted it meant he was totally unopen to compromise.

 

[AprilBlossom]

S_a_S, if you reread what you've said above, you're subtly implying that if partner A changes habits, and partner B can't adapt (therefore has to change own habits to accomodate partner A) partner As habits are more important.

If I decided I wanted to spend 4 nights a week out of the house instead of my usual spending time with my OH, yes, I would consult him first. I may not be the perfect girlfriend but I'm certainly considerate.

 

[Lucyad]

I do all the cooking, because OH is not a great cook, and I enjoy it. However he does all of the washing in return, as we both work full time, and I am somewhat incapable at folding.

Because I cook, I usually do most of the food shopping and so I know what is in the fridge, so OH will ask 'what is for dinner' rather than go and make something that I might have planned for another meal. However if I am riding after work, he knows that if I haven't pre-cooked something to heat up (I cook in bulk), he can wait for me and we can enjoy a takeaway together, or he has to make do with cheese on toast or something.

I suppose I probably do phone him to say I will be late / out riding, and we will agree then what the plan is - he would do the same so I wasn't cooking for him unecessarily.

 

[Bay TB]

I feel for you but certainly wouldn't accept his attitude.
Me and my OH both work full time and similar hours but we both have seperate hobbies and interests ie. I spend time at the yard after work and he will either be rugby training, at the gym or golfing so usually neither of us end up at home and wanting tea til around 8:30 - 9pm!
I do tend to do most of the cooking but he does other things round the house and he never 'expects' to have his tea on the table when he wants it!!!
We do try to compromise though as I will try to spend longer at the yard and ride on nights when he has other plans and just do my jobs up there quickly on nights when he has no plans so we can spend some time together!! It just needs a bit of give an take from both sides I think to work out a happy medium and let everyone enjoy their life's pleasures! If he is not willing to work towards this compromise then I don't think there will be much happiness in any future together you may have. I hope you manage to work out what is best for you.

 

[Tinsel Trouble]

S_a_S, if you reread what you've said above, you're subtly implying that if partner A changes habits, and partner B can't adapt (therefore has to change own habits to accomodate partner A) partner As habits are more important.

If I decided I wanted to spend 4 nights a week out of the house instead of my usual spending time with my OH, yes, I would consult him first. I may not be the perfect girlfriend but I'm certainly considerate.

I haven't read the whole thread through again, but from memory the OP was only back 15mins later than normal. That's not changing a habit, that's running a bit lae.

 

[Romeorider]

I'm lucky that my OH is very tolerant. If I am out late riding (and 6.30pm is NOT late. I don't usually get in from work until 7pm anyway) he will have dinner ready. However, if there are nights when he works late or is going out I make sure that dinner is ready when he gets in. It's a partnership and you should help each other out. Mind you, OH is very clear that horse comes first despite my protests!

 

[Mark Gilbert]

I prefer the old days when a woman new her place! ............now bring on the abuse!

 

[Spudlet]

I prefer the old days when a woman new her place! ............now bring on the abuse!

I prefer the old days when a man KNEW his spelling and grammar

 

[Tizzy]

I prefer the old days when a woman new her place! ............now bring on the abuse!

*Yawn*

 

[mtj]

OP - taking a step back from your situation, do you think your husband is depressed?

He sounds highly stressed.

 

[Crumpet]

Any relationship needs give and take, it just depends whether its an equal give and take. If you're happy being a doormat for another 50 years, then you carry on how you are now. Be proactive in this relationship, so legally and financially you know where you stand, because if he ends up turfing you out on your ear for whatever reason, what will you do then? You've been given advice by people who don't know your full circumstances (including me) get professional advice please, so you have a contingency plan at least. Keep your money separate and if you have a car bear in mind the V5 is worthless when it comes to ownership, unless you have a purchase receipt in your name. My very unprofessional advice is to leave him a selection of pot noodles and cup a soups, my other half learnt his lessons the hard way, though he's still partial to a nice chicken and mushroom pot noodle.

 

[Sugar_and_Spice]

Aprilblossom, no you misunderstood me, I'm not saying partner A's habits are more important than partner B's. I'm saying that both are equal, both need to be who they need to be and have equal right to do that. Neither should *have* to compromise for the other. If partner A needs to change in personality or habits, to be true to themselves, then they are free to do that, without compromising to suit partner B. It's a basic human right in the UK, whether married or not.

If partner B doesn't want or can't adapt to the change in partner A and *wants* to compromise themselves to make the relationship work, that's up to them, but they don't *have* to. The other option being to admit that with the change in partner A, the couple have become incompatible, and break up.

Partner B could ask partner A, during a civilised discussion, if they'd be willing to compromise on the changes that partner B finds intolerable. Partner A then has the option to agree (and stay together) or refuse (and break up). It's not even about who is right or wrong, its about what each person wants and whether as a couple they are compatible in their wants and needs.

Nobody has the right to demand their partner change, demand they don't change, or throw a tantrum if they do change. It's all about respect.

 

[MissTyc]

I sent my OH on a golfing weekend ... then bought him a tennis club membership ... bought him a new bass guitar .... some football clothes .... After 8 YEARS he got the hint and found himself a hobby that takes him away several nights a week. Thank god for that! We are happy and balanced now. As for the cooking. We've both lost weight as neither can be bothered and refuse to spend money on takeaway LOL!

 

[Binkybex]

OP it depends apon what you want from life. You only get one shot at it. To me it sounds as if you are not happy, you need to find out what does make you happy and do it as hard as you can.

I was in a very similar position a year and a half ago. With a husband that treated me like dirt and would throw wobblies at the slightest little thing. I should have left years ago but stayed because I loved him. I eventually hit the rock bottom of depression and the only thing that kept me going was my horses and my dog.

So I left him. I had no job and nowhere to live. I moved in with my parents and struck a deal with my ex to get a loan that I am paying off to buy a field for my horses. I found a job as a groom that gives me a house too. I'm now the happiest I have ever been because I'm doing things that make me happy.

Talk to your family and friends. They will know the situation and yourself a lot better than we do. I wish I had been more open with mine and my mental State would have probably been a lot better.

Chin up lass. Just remember to look after yourself. Xx

 

[Orangehorse]

I am lucky that my OH doesn't care what he eats, so long as there is something, so he is very happy to eat bread and cheese, and does if I am out with horse at the weekend for instance.

Yes, your OH is being a bit unreasonable, but I think divorce is a bit extreme. How about getting a slow cooker so there is some dinner waiting for him, and you when you get in, on the nights you ride. Or make up meals at the weekend and freeze, so they only have to be heated up in the evening. Maybe he might be able to do this.

I suspect it is because you are with your horse and not there to greet him after a day at work and the dinner bit is just an excuse.