Issues with confidence

[Waxwing]

We had our first "blip" yesterday with our new horse when we went up to ride in the evening; we had been away for a few days so it was the longest period of time she had gone without being ridden since we got her

The yard was busier than usual; some horses had moved fields and a couple were been transported off the yard so there was a lot going on so she was understandably more on her toes than usual. There were a couple of horses cantering around in the fields when usually they would be quietly grazing. As my daughter walked the horse into the school she stared spinning round on the end of the reins. My daughter attempted to hold on but ended up having to let go and she went for good a "hooley" around the school. The reins broke but otherwise she was fine and was eventually caught once she decided to stop cantering round but was still still unsettled.

The yard owner, who is also a close friend, was still onsite and she intervened, got hold of the horse and then lunged her for fifteen minutes and then got my daughter on for a walk and trot around the school. (When we bought the horse we had been told she wasn't easy to lunge but she actually behaved very well and did what was asked.) She was fine to turn out once we had ridden. My daughter went back up today and rode her in a group lesson and she was fine. My daughter has now conceded staying on our current yard was the right thing to do! The yard are gong to use her in a few adult lessons a week which will help keep her ticking over on days we can't ride.

I have enjoyed being back on the yard on a regular basis, spending time there and riding and I am happy that we finally have a horse we can both ride and one that is happy taking part in group lessons as his is something I particularly enjoy.

The farrier who usually shoes the horses on the yard has told me he is happy to carry on shoeing her and do some work with her to with on getting her more accustomed/ happier to be shod. He is very experienced farrier and did a very good job with out previous horse.

I have found someone I can have some groundwork sessions with which I hope will further develop our relationship and having seen her be lunged yesterday I am happy to ask our instructor to give me some lessons in luneging as well

I don't expect any horse to be a machine and always behave and there were lots of reasons for what happened yesterday. We have good support on the yard and can access any help we need. Our instructor really likes our horse and thinks we finally have one who is right for both of us. She was absolutely fine today and my daughter had a really good lesson on her.

However yesterday has upset me more than it should and has left me questioning if I even want a horse. Rationally I know this is do with my confidence being knocked by our previous horses and potentially the menopause which I am currently going through.

I now own a well schooled, friendly and usually calm horse who is forgiving of any mistakes I make when I ride her. I suppose what I am asking is does anyone have any good advice on rebuilding confidence in general. I accept with any horse there are going to be times they don't behave perfectly and I need to be able to better manage myself as and when anything does happen. (I am not taking feeling unsafe riding her; if I started to feel like that it would be a different issue; I am thinking more about situations like yesterday.)

Any advice will be gratefully received. Thank you for reading if you have got his far

 

[Lois Lame]

Things weren't in your favour yesterday, as you say. Maybe it wasn't a day to ride.

I've become a fair-weather rider. If things aren't to my liking, I find something better to do. This might seem rather chicken of me, and I suppose it is, but ...

Anyhow I will be interested to read all the replies.

 

[Flowerofthefen]

Things weren't in your favour yesterday, as you say. Maybe it wasn't a day to ride.

I've become a fair-weather rider. If things aren't to my liking, I find something better to do. This might seem rather chicken of me, and I suppose it is, but ...

Anyhow I will be interested to read all the replies.

As LL said, being a good horseman also involves knowing when is not the right time to do something. To be honest she sounds absolutely lovely and a majority of horses would have done exactly what she did. Next time she is unsettled give her a massage, a good groom, do the groundwork with her your going to learn, it's not failing in anyway, it's being sensible!!

 

[Barton Bounty]

It sounds like there was just far too much going on for her. BB was the same on a busy yard, it used to fry his brain, it was an absolute shame, I could see the fear in his eyes. It was all to do with too much going on at the one time.
I no longer leave BB any length of time between rides, he might get A day off but he needs consistency and a routine.

Today is a new day, start afresh

 

[Prancerpoos]

It sounds like you are doing all the right things, and horses just do stuff like that sometimes! As I am sure you know.

I am only commenting to say do not underestimate the effect that menopause can have on your confidence. Looking back from the other side now, I can see that it had a big impact on my riding and I went from someone who was never scared or worried by a horse to having some real issues - with horses and life generally. Be kind to yourself and acknowledge that you are not being flaky, it may well be your hormones messing with you and you will come out the other side. Your horse can be a support too. Just be cognisant that you don’t ever have to ‘push it’ on days when you feel a bit anxious and try giving your horse a bit of TLC rather than riding.

 

[Red-1]

I wonder where the stress comes from? Is it the risk of injury? Or, that you 'missed' that the conditions were perhaps that it wasn't the right set of conditions to get on? I think the latter is more hurtful as you (possibly) see yourself as the one to keep your daughter safe and someone else had to step in?

Whatever the cause, I feel you need to identify it so you can then form a plan to do different next time. It sounds like you have plans in place already, with lessons etc.

If it is possibly hormones/menopause, I would have that investigated. I did 8 years of being determined not to have HRT, I wish I'd been less stubborn as my nerve improved pretty quickly once on it. I was so worried, I daren't even go to my GP to ask about it, as I know he turns the majority of people down. On the advice of another forum member, I went to the Online Menopause Centre privately. It included blood tests, half hour consultations and the prescriptions that were sent by post by a private pharmacy. Once I was on the medication, I took the letters to my GP, explaining that I was on this medication and wished to continue as it worked. He has then continued on the normal NHS system. It was about £500 in total.

I forget how old your daughter is? Maybe you could enjoy helping her for a while, helping her to make a plan and execute it, rather than being the orchestrator yourself? For a while at least.

Other than that, I would sit tight for now. See how it unfolds but being OK with saying from time to time, no, today is not the right day.

 

[Skib]

What @Red-1 says but after a couple of friends had disastrous riding accidents, I became scared, scared even to mount, and so I went for a one on one private RS lesson on a calm pony. Walk and trot only and then went a private hack from a different yard with an experienced and elderly escort, again just walk and trot. There is nothing like an experienced RS horse or pony for restoring riding confidence.
As with learning anything, if it gets too hard, go back to square one. You wont lose any of the skills and experience you already gained.

 

[J&S]

Having some one experienced and confident step in and help you at the moment of need is not a sign of weakness but very sensible! Consider you managed it very well and that all things have been satisfactory since the incident, do not dwell on the negative, look at the positive. Onwards and upwards.

 

[Jenko109]

You are feeling unsettled because of what happened yesterday.

Give it a couple of weeks and you will look back and wonder why you got so worked up about it.

It sounds like you have a lovely horse.

 

[Red-1]

What @Red-1 says but after a couple of friends had disastrous riding accidents, I became scared, scared even to mount, and so I went for a one on one private RS lesson on a calm pony. Walk and trot only and then went a private hack from a different yard with an experienced and elderly escort, again just walk and trot. There is nothing like an experienced RS horse or pony for restoring riding confidence.
As with learning anything, if it gets too hard, go back to square one. You wont lose any of the skills and experience you already gained.

I agree with this too. When I lost confidence through hormones and mum's illness, I sold the posh horse and bought an aged cob! He gave me sone Grrrr back in me. Plus the HRT!

From what I have read though, this is the first time your horse has been OTT?

 

[Waxwing]

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply . I have just resumed using HRT patches which I hope will be helpful. My personal life is pretty stressful at present as my job is demanding and my daughter has some mental health issues and when she is upset I am the one she takes it out on. This adds to my general feelings of anxiety; horse riding is helpful for both of us and when I have a good lesson or ride I feel a lot better. This is the first time the new horse has been OTT and my daughter reported she behaved well when she rode her yesterday. I will just be taking one day at a time and not placing to many expectations on myself, my daughter or the horse! My husband is very supportive; he actually encouraged me to to buy another horse as he didn't want me to regret no having done it in a ten years time when age and finances might make it less possible. HIs view is that after a year or so I am not enjoying have a horse that is actually suitable then we will know horse ownership is not for us. I am similarly supportive of his interest in rusty Italian cars

 

[PinkvSantaboots]

The menopause has alot to answer for I went through terrible anxiety about riding before I realised I needed HRT, it definitely does help I still have the odd day but I recognise when I should just not ride or do anything too ambitious now.

When I'm feeling a bit worried I often tack mine up put a lunge line on and do a bit of ground work and lunge, then if I decide I feel OK to get on I do and if I don't it's fine at least I did something.

 

[Waxwing]

Thank you for all your replies they are all really helpful; especially hearing the experiences of other people who have gone through menopause. The HRT patch is firmly on. I am going to increase my skills in what I can do on the ground with the horse and just take each day at a time and do what I feel comfortable with. If at present that's predominantly joining in group lessons and short walks on the tracks around the stables that's fine for now.

 

[Peglo]

I think when a really good horse does something ‘unwanted’ for a better word it does shake you more.

My old TB could be a riot at times but it never bothered me. If Tali did something half as bad it gives a bit of a sinking feeling as she’s usually so good. I don’t know why it’s so different but it does leave more of an impact. But it never lasts. It is temporary.

Next time you go to ride remember you only need to get on if you want to. If you don’t want to ride just spend some time with her and hopefully she will put a smile on your face and start to wipe away the anxiety.

 

[Ceriann]

I think when a really good horse does something ‘unwanted’ for a better word it does shake you more.

My old TB could be a riot at times but it never bothered me. If Tali did something half as bad it gives a bit of a sinking feeling as she’s usually so good. I don’t know why it’s so different but it does leave more of an impact. But it never lasts. It is temporary.

Next time you go to ride remember you only need to get on if you want to. If you don’t want to ride just spend some time with her and hopefully she will put a smile on your face and start to wipe away the anxiety.

I echo this. My mare is lovely, sane, sensible and almost always unflappable. In the rare days she isn’t or reacts to something it does affect me and I have tried to work out why. Part of it is just not being prepared for it and try as I might not to, I blame myself rather than put it down to a bad day (we’re all entitled to one right) and overthink it, when she’s happily back to normal and doesn’t give it another thought.

After a blip, I will walk her in hand, lunge, ground work etc etc anything to re enforce what I know, which is that’s she’s lovely and it was just one of those things.

 

[mustardsmum]

Know where you are coming from. Deep breath and try not to spend energy trying to understand why it happened, just tell yourself, so yesterday wasn't so great but you dealt with it and all was well. It is very hard especially in menopause because your hormones play havoc with your head - suddenly you feel anxious and small things that never used to be a problem, become magnified. But HRT should help that. For now, stay in your comfort zone. You are at the start of a new partnership, be kind to yourself, you are doing great. Get to know your pony and if something does go awry, get your instructor to step in and help.

 

[Cloball]

I got my pony in Jan and I have had many a 'what am I doing' moments, thinking I can terrible at this horse owning lark etc. I'm just trying not to put pressure on myself and plugging away at small goals. I think when you are still getting to know a horse it is much harder to trust them as everything is still unknown

 

[Waxwing]

Thank you everyone for your kind comments; I was reminded of an incident that occurred with my first pony the best part of ahem forty years ago. He was a welsh cob who had been broken to ride and drive and on our first attempt at hacking out alone he literally took the bit between his teeth and took me home at a very fast driving trot. (He was pretty lazy so it didn't occur to him to do anything but trot.) The next time I took him he tried the same thing again; we had a very firm discussion about including a few well timed whacks with the stick and he realised I meant what I said. We didn't have an issue with hacking out after that. i just have to remind myself that I can still overcome problems as and when they arise.

 

[Red-1]

I got my pony in Jan and I have had many a 'what am I doing' moments, thinking I can terrible at this horse owning lark etc. I'm just trying not to put pressure on myself and plugging away at small goals. I think when you are still getting to know a horse it is much harder to trust them as everything is still unknown

It always takes me at least a year to feel comfortable with a horse - often even longer.

 

[oldie48]

I had pretty much the same thing happen with Rose, I took her for a lesson and in hand she just "blew up" because there were strange noises outside. Thankfully, my trainer came in and lunged her. I did get on and actually had a brilliant lesson but that's another story. I always joke that I keep my "confidence" in a sieve, I have to keep topping it up faster than it drains away. I think we often tend to focus on the things that sap our confidence and ignore the things that build it and I found shifting that focus really helped me. Your horse is generally absolutely fine. try to focus on that rather the odd occasion when something "happens".

 

[Kunoichi73]

You may find you need to play around with your hrt dose. It took a while to get my dose right. If anxiety gets too much for me, a beta blocker helps mellow me out. It might be worth chatting to your GP about the anxiety.

 

[Lois Lame]

My old TB could be a riot at times but it never bothered me. If Tali did something half as bad it gives a bit of a sinking feeling as she’s usually so good. I don’t know why it’s so different but it does leave more of an impact.

Yes. It's about expectations. When our expectations are not met, we feel absolutely awful. Whereas when things go pear-shaped 'just as we knew they would' it's accepted.

 

[Lois Lame]

I echo this. My mare is lovely, sane, sensible and almost always unflappable. In the rare days she isn’t or reacts to something it does affect me and I have tried to work out why. Part of it is just not being prepared for it and try as I might not to, I blame myself rather than put it down to a bad day (we’re all entitled to one right) and overthink it, when she’s happily back to normal and doesn’t give it another thought.

After a blip, I will walk her in hand, lunge, ground work etc etc anything to re enforce what I know, which is that’s she’s lovely and it was just one of those things.

Both this and Peglo's post are helpful to me.

Whether it's our fault (because we did something daft) or whether it's the weather and general goings-on, I think it's so important to realise that it's not the end of life as we know it because our steed did something unexpected.

It will sound so silly, but I thought my newishy-aquired mare had too good a temperament to ever put a foot wrong no matter the circumstances. So what do I do? I interrupt her dinner (during drought) and expect her to put up with being brushed while eating her keenly awaited feed. I wouldn't have put up with that myself, if I were a horse.

She put her ears back at me. (I would have taken a flipping chomp of me). I thought, OMG, she's put her ears back!

It's so easy to have a major reaction over nothing when out expectations are over-the-top.

Sadly, I sold this mare. I had lost my confidence.
I really was a twit.
I thought I was too old to make foolish decisions, but apparently not.

 

[Lois Lame]

I got my pony in Jan and I have had many a 'what am I doing' moments, thinking I can terrible at this horse owning lark etc. I'm just trying not to put pressure on myself and plugging away at small goals. I think when you are still getting to know a horse it is much harder to trust them as everything is still unknown

I love this answer too. (Sorry, I'm going on a bit.) I didn't know my new horse very well as I had not ridden her. Yeah, I know. I was going to take things steady and ride when the time was right.

Not everything was my fault. Drought played a big part. Better to move on and accept poor decisions as being poor decisions that were made for whatever reason, and forgive oneself.

 

[Waxwing]

My confidence is still all over the place; I had a good group lesson on Sunday but got off today after less than ten minutes, due to what I can best describe as a small exuberant leap. She has been more on her toes for the last week; possibly she is season. I have gone from loving having a new horse to today thinking why am I doing this, the best thing to do will be to sell and buy something smaller for my daughter. I feel I am going backwards at an alarming rate; within the first couple of weeks of having her we had ridden her on her own in the school, in lessons and had a couple of short solo hacks. Today I didn't even feel comfortable riding in the school. I am very aware that I should be riding forward and remaining calm but that wasn't happening today. This is me not the horse; someone more confident would be out doing all sorts with her by now. Apart from not liking the farrier she is a lovely horse. schools well, loads, good ground manners, good to catch, good with other horses, not marish, happily leaves the yard without napping, good in the traffic we have seen, no health issues. She is also a nice size as she is good weight carrier without being excessively tall. I just don't feel I should be owning any horse if I can't even stay on, on my own in the school for ten minutes.

 

[Waxwing]

At the moment I am writing a for sale add in my head; the only thing stopping me is the fact my daughter would kill me and it wouldn't do her mental health any good. Sorry really not in a good place today.

 

[Miss_Millie]

At the moment I am writing a for sale add in my head; the only thing stopping me is the fact my daughter would kill me and it wouldn't do her mental health any good. Sorry really not in a good place today.

So sorry to hear that you're having confidence issues.

This may not help at all, but what helped me with my new-at-the-time horse was having a change of perspective. I think it's always good to put yourself in the horses' shoes - when a horse is re-homed, they have to adapt to not only a new owner, but also a completely new environment and other new horses. It's a lot for them, and I think we really take for granted just how well most horses seemingly cope, given all of this change. Buying a new horse is also a big change for us humans, and it would be unrealistic to imagine that it's all going to be plain sailing from the get go. Quite simply, you need to give it more time.

With my horse, I had all sorts of issues when I first purchased her. These issues were compounded by pressure from more 'experienced' people trying to micro-manage how many times I rode her, how I handled her, all sorts. Horse ownership can be a LOT of pressure, especially on livery yards where you will always have a lot of opinions, no matter how well meaning people are.

What genuinely helped was actually just taking a step back from all of the 'goals', especially the ridden ones, and just getting to know her as a person. Horses are masters of sensing expectation and intention, they really can feel our energy. If you're carrying around feelings of not being good enough or feelings of desperation, they can feel it too.

Is your daughter enjoying the new horse? How about you completely take the pressure off of yourself and just put time into hanging out with her. My mare loves being scratched on the withers and I've found it a nice way to bond with her. Also going on in-hand walks to forage can be a good way of bonding and gaining confidence together.

My advice would be don't give up just yet, and make sure that all of her needs are being met the rest of the time that you're not there - friends, forage, freedom. It's amazing the difference that this can make. Good luck and keep us updated

 

[Red-1]

At the moment I am writing a for sale add in my head; the only thing stopping me is the fact my daughter would kill me and it wouldn't do her mental health any good. Sorry really not in a good place today.

I would thoroughly recommend having Joe Midgely have a look, if it is at all possible to arrange. He has a way of putting you back in the driver's seat and helping horses feel comfortable and able to comply.

 

[PinkvSantaboots]

Honestly before you think about selling her go and get a blood test to check your hormone levels, it really sounds like menopause anxiety I was very similar but my horses were not new to me I've had them years and I just couldn't even ride them some days, they only had to do something very minor and I would get off and then absolutely not want to get back on again.

I eventually got a friend to help me she would ride with me in the school and just help me out, some days I just tacked up and walked round for a bit then got off one of my horses is very in tune with my emotions and if I'm not feeling it he knows and it goes wrong so I basically don't ride when I feel like that which thankfully is not much now.

I seriously wouldn't give up yet she sounds like a fabulous horse.

 

[Peglo]

I just don't feel I should be owning any horse if I can't even stay on, on my own in the school for ten minutes.

Why not? If 10 minutes is all you want to do then do that, your horse won’t care. She seems happy and settled, she’s getting fun times with your daughter and if I remember correctly you have someone else riding her too. She’s well looked after and doesn’t sound like she wants for anything. Please take the pressure off yourself. Do what you want with your horse. Ride or don’t ride. She’ll be fine. It doesn’t matter what other people could be doing with her, you can’t guarantee she would be happier out competing with someone else.

Really sorry you’re struggling atm. I agree with above posters and seeing your GP.