Knowall novices

[Smogul]

How do you deal with them?
Two women have come to the yard. It is their first horse and they know everything. As I don't ride and "only" have a pony, I am assumed to be most in need of their advice. According to them: I pick out feet wrongly; harness doesn't fit properly and we put it on wrongly; pony should not be shod and needs more exercise.
Normally I am quite happy to let them rabbit on and ignore them. OH does occasionally try to engage with them but neither of them seem to listen. Last week one of them came into the school, watched for 2 minutes, said the pony was not bending correctly, marched up to the carriage and said she would show me how to do it. I completely lost my temper and told her that she and her friend made fools of themselves every time they opened their mouths. I then drove out of school as I was too annoyed to do anything sensible with the pony. I should say that pony is going through careful slow rehab with advice from vet, physio, remedial farrier and instructor, all of whom I would trust above someone who has owned a horse for 6 weeks and knows nothing about driving.
I have since had a text from second woman saying I need to apologise as her friend is too upset to come to yard. I am frankly still too irritated to care. OH says I should offer to apologise if they are prepared to attend his tutorial on harnessing up and can pass a test afterward!
What would you do?

 

[luckyoldme]

Oooo you've just stepped into a minefield.
The thing is there are a hundred ways to do everything and everyone thinks that their way is the best way.
The most important thing is that you get back to enjoying your pony and the time you have with him/her.
It's really hard to turn a situation like that around but at the end of the day all you have in common is that you keep your horses at the same place.
You don't need their unsolicited advice and you don't need to be best buddies, you just need to be civil.
If you can find a way to get that across politely that would be the best outcome...but personally when I've come up against these types I've just moved on as quickly as possible. Life is too short.

 

[asmp]

Ooh, tricky one. Perhaps to keep the peace say you’ll apologise on the understanding you’re not given any more ‘advice’?

 

[Cortez]

I would undertake some Olympic-level ignoring and get on with your day.

 

[Pearlsasinger]

I'm afraid that I would be tempted to text back saying that if anyone apologises it should be them, apologising for their unsolicited advice. I would also say that it is friend's decision whether to go to the yard or not, she must do as she thinks best. I might also say that I was sorry that friend was upset if I was feeling particularly generous but I certainly wouldn't be apologising for my behaviour/anything that I said.

 

[Archangel]

I have since had a text from second woman saying I need to apologise as her friend is too upset to come to yard.

Win. Win.

What would you do?

I would ignore the text and block. The other woman needs to come and apologise for offering unsolicited advice, interfering with your schooling session uninvited and upsetting you.
She needs to understand that had she minded her own business, none of this would have occurred.

I spent my life trying to keep the peace, now I would label the attention seeking drama queen as trouble and the other one as her enabler and snap so hard at them they would give me a wide berth.

 

[laura_nash]

Ooh, tricky one. Perhaps to keep the peace say you’ll apologise on the understanding you’re not given any more ‘advice’?

This is what I would do. I would say I was sorry for losing my temper and will refrain from doing it again if they agree to stop giving unsolicited advice and interfering with my enjoyment of my hobby. Then if they start doing it again you can just point out they are doing it and ask them (politely) to go away.

I do remember going through a stage as a teenager where I was all enthused and full of my new knowledge and had to tell everyone, I suspect I was equally annoying. I got over it once I'd made a fool of myself a couple of times giving unsolicited wrong advice to experts.

 

[Exploding Chestnuts]

Quite bizarre, you are always going to be ignoring these wicked witches, best to start now.
If challenged just be calm and polite and explain you were justified in your reaction to to their interference, you may have lost the plot, but you were not expecting anyone to interfere with your schooling, its nothing to do with them.
I would ignore text, or ask her, politely, to let the matter drop, thank her, say you prefer to do your own thing in the yard, with your own pony.
Thank You
Then block them.

 

[Smogul]

I would undertake some Olympic-level ignoring and get on with your day.

Yes, you are probably right. I normally can ignore them but was having a bad day. OH was trying to video as vet had asked for update so it was particularly annoying.

 

[SheriffTruman]

She badly overstepped her mark. Imagine stepping into the school, and trying to take over someones reins without being asked to, or at the very least asking if it was okay.

I'd probably text the friend back to explain just that. It's impolite and rude to interfere with someones driving / riding without being asked to. Even if knowledgeable.

 

[[59668]]

Oh my good grief, why do livery yards attract grown adults who act like children. Ignore the situation, ignore them. Honestly why should you even care?! It's like being in a playground!

 

[Pinkvboots]

I would just ignore it I certainly wouldn't apologise, that is such an extremely childish thing to do I would be tempted to just text back with.

My god you both need to get a grip

But it probably won't go down well but my tolerance levels of this kind of thing is not my strong point ?

 

[canteron]

Sorry but I think you do have to explain. In their world they were probably just being friendly and helpful!!

So explain entirely up to them whether the come to the yard, but your horse time is precious and you are extremely focused on what you are doing and why and extreme choosy about the professionals/people you take advice from. Explain it’s probably too advanced for them to understand the subtleties.

To soften it you could say that when the weather is better if they would like to increase their knowledge you will happily take 10 mins to explain!!

 

[Smogul]

I would just ignore it I certainly wouldn't apologise, that is such an extremely childish thing to do I would be tempted to just text back with.

My god you both need to get a grip

But it probably won't go down well but my tolerance levels of this kind of thing is not my strong point ?

Get a grip of what? As I have said, I can and do normally ignore them.

If you are meaning that OH's response was childish, he was simply making a joke to cheer me up. He actually does a very good intro to harnessing!

 

[laura_nash]

Get a grip of what? As I have said, I can and do normally ignore them.

If you are meaning that OH's response was childish, he was simply making a joke to cheer me up. He actually does a very good intro to harnessing!

I think she meant she would text back "my god you both need to get a grip" in response to the woman's text.

 

[ihatework]

Whilst I completely get why you snapped at them and how annoying and irritating they are, I’d go for the be kind approach and also try and avoid creating a massive atmosphere at the place everyone wants to enjoy their hobby.

Id give them one chance and respond along the following lines.

What you have to understand is that you are novice horse owners. Offering unasked for advice, and even worse, physically interfering with someone else’s horse is a major faux pas and isn’t going to get you very far. So I apologise for snapping at you, but would also appreciate an apology from both of you for your behaviours. The yard should be a happy place for people to enjoy their horses in peace, so please don’t feel unwelcome. It would however be appreciated if you kept your opinions a bit quieter.

 

[Crollaz]

I've lost count of the number of times I've apologised (without meaning it) just to keep the peace. Having said that you need to stress you do not appreciate their input and will not be apologising again (without meaning it) if they try and interfere again. Yards are an absolute nightmare, they can be joyful places, but things go in cycles, I always try and stick to 'I am here for my horse, nothing else, no ones opinion, input or anything else, if I need help I use Horse and Hound Forum. Good Luck

 

[Fransurrey]

Whilst I completely get why you snapped at them and how annoying and irritating they are, I’d go for the be kind approach and also try and avoid creating a massive atmosphere at the place everyone wants to enjoy their hobby.

Id give them one chance and respond along the following lines.

What you have to understand is that you are novice horse owners. Offering unasked for advice, and even worse, physically interfering with someone else’s horse is a major faux pas and isn’t going to get you very far. So I apologise for snapping at you, but would also appreciate an apology from both of you for your behaviours. The yard should be a happy place for people to enjoy their horses in peace, so please don’t feel unwelcome. It would however be appreciated if you kept your opinions a bit quieter.

I'd try for this approach, too. Make it clear that their advice is not welcome if unsolicited and the taking of someone's reins is an absolute no, even from an expert! I'd have snapped, too.

 

[TPO]

Whilst I completely get why you snapped at them and how annoying and irritating they are, I’d go for the be kind approach and also try and avoid creating a massive atmosphere at the place everyone wants to enjoy their hobby.

Id give them one chance and respond along the following lines.

What you have to understand is that you are novice horse owners. Offering unasked for advice, and even worse, physically interfering with someone else’s horse is a major faux pas and isn’t going to get you very far. So I apologise for snapping at you, but would also appreciate an apology from both of you for your behaviours. The yard should be a happy place for people to enjoy their horses in peace, so please don’t feel unwelcome. It would however be appreciated if you kept your opinions a bit quieter.

This is definitely the mature response!

I'm generally a wimp unless I have the "red mist" and I think I would probably have exploded similar to you especially when she interrupted you while videoing for the vet.

I probably wouldn't take the mature response and reply along the lines that they need to apologise to you for the constant harassment and interfering making your time unpleasant at the yard. That I'd appreciate them staying away from me and not forcing their opinions on me and to concentrate on their own horse. Then I'd block them both.

I'd also speak to YO/YM so they knew the script

With any luck they'll either shut up or leave ?

I do usually feel a bit ? about "yard know it all" posts because sometimes people do genuinely know more and sometimes it might have taken that person a long time to speak up about something concerning to them. I don't think you necessarily need to have owned horses to have a lot of knowledge etc but in this case it definitely does sound like they are bang out of order. Imagine advising someone about driving when you've never driven or trained a driving horse?!

 

[Fjord]

How about a politician's apology? 'I'm sorry if you were offended by what I said.' A great way to sound like you're apologising without actually doing it! Then explain that they need to refrain from butting in and interrupting people's schooling sessions with unwanted advice.

It may at least help keep the peace.

 

[Tarragon]

I am all for keeping the peace, so personally I would make some attempt to defuse the situation. A bad atmosphere is horrible to live with! I find that it is quite satisfying to have that smug feeling that you do know better than them, you are just being nice for the sake of the diplomacy.
I once put a head collar on my pony and left him in the stable for 5 minutes while I went to get something, came back to find that our yard busy body had taken the headcollar off as she said it was dangerous to leave them unattended. I must admit that I was a bit shocked, but smiled and put the head collar back on and got on with my life.

 

[Widgeon]

How about a politician's apology? 'I'm sorry if you were offended by what I said.' A great way to sound like you're apologising without actually doing it! Then explain that they need to refrain from butting in and interrupting people's schooling sessions with unwanted advice.

It may at least help keep the peace.

Haha, yes I was just about to suggest this - "I'm sorry that you were so hurt, BUT...." It is sad that she's so upset, but at the same time I don't think your behaviour was actually too unreasonable - they just don't understand why.

 

[Sossigpoker]

My god if someone actually came into the arena , uninvited , to give Mr unqualified "advice ", it wouldn't go down well!
I'm done with people like that and would just carry on doing what I do. If someone wants to stick their nose in and then gets upset when they're told to sod off, that is entirely up to them.

 

[Pinkvboots]

Get a grip of what? As I have said, I can and do normally ignore them.

If you are meaning that OH's response was childish, he was simply making a joke to cheer me up. He actually does a very good intro to harnessing!

I meant the 2 women need to get a grip not you

 

[Esmae]

I wouldn't apologise. I would just ignore them completely and get on with my own horse. Let them stew and learn the lesson about minding their own business. Don't give it another thought, just enjoy.

 

[McFluff]

I'm another one who would want to keep the peace a bit as a bad atmosphere impacts on you all. I would take the politician's apology approach (along the lines of I'm sorry if my reaction upset your friend, but I was videoing for the vet as part of a long and complex rehab, and your friend's intervention was neither safe nor welcome - and upset me - I would appreciate if you would explain that to her and ensure she knows that I neither need nor want help/advice unless I specifically ask). And you could offer your OH to give them an introduction session if they were interested in learning more about driving (that is a nice subtle way of showing that you knowledge in what you are doing).

 

[maya2008]

If you ignore them forever, they will just keep causing trouble. Do you have a YO who can step in?

 

[Cortez]

If you ignore them forever, they will just keep causing trouble. Do you have a YO who can step in?

What, like a sort of headmistress? Presumably you are all adults and can organise your own social interactions.

 

[Trouper]

I think these ladies need educating - for everyone's benefit!! I might apologise for not managing to remain civil to them but they have to understand (as @McFluff says) they were interfering with videoing for an important medical review for your vet. Interfering with anyone else's horse on a yard is a big NO-NO - unless it is for safety or welfare reasons - and the sooner they understand that then the happier they will be on a livery yard.

 

[Arzada]

I had someone approach me at work (not with horses) to say that I had upset x. I told the third party that I was upset too. Simply that. End of.

Only the YO has my contact numbers. How is it that another livery has your mobile number?