My poor instructor :(

[DonskiWA]

I am such a rude cow to my poor, long suffering jump coach.
I am in my 40s and a mad, keen low level jumper/eventer. The problem is I'm also a bit (a lot) of a nervous one.
I'm either pooing my pants or concentrating SO intently that I often snap at my instructor when she talks to me or asks questions. When I'm tense, my default attitude seems to be one of short, sharp rudeness.
I'm mortified that I could be so rude but I can't seem to stop it. It's getting beyond the pale and even though I've apologised I know she's getting jack of it - and I can blame her.
Any suggestions?

 

[CMcC]

I think a qualified and sympathetic instructor should understand that people may react uncharacteristically when nervous or concentrating. If you are a nice person the rest of the time and as you have explained that you are only like that in those circumstances I think she should accept that and take it as a sign that you need some extra encouragement/coaching.

 

[Wagtail]

I don't think nervousness or concentration is an excuse to be rude, OP. I think you may benefit from some CBT to unlearn your response to stress. It is not fair that your instructor has to put up with it. At least you recognise your problem though which is a long way towards improving your behaviour. I know a couple of people that do this and I think it shows a lack of self control, but it can be overcome with something such as CBT.

 

[9tails]

Would you be rude to someone you held in high regard, for instance WFP? If you would be able to hold your temper with him, then you should be able to treat your instructor with the same respect. As Wagtail says, try CBT.

 

[joosie]

No, I'm with wagtail, I don't think it's an excuse either. And unlike CMcC I certainly do not believe that she "should accept it". I doubt the OP is the only person the instructor teaches who is nervous, but they probably aren't all rude to her. I too was a very nervous jumper but I would never have spoken to my instructor like that. Snapping at someone is understandable on occasion but consistent rudeness is not.
I don't really have any suggestions to be honest. Just... stop.

 

[SpringArising]

What sort of things are you saying that's going beyond the pale?

A lot of people snap when they're stressed or worried. IIWY I'd just explain that you're really sorry for being so snappy and that you're trying to change, but that it's because you're scared. She'll understand.

 

[Nasicus]

An apology and acknowledgement that you realize you're being snappy, and are trying to work on it, but you appreciate that she hasn't ditched you as a client yet might help smooth things over for now. I'm sure a nice bottle of gin for after teaching your lesson wouldn't go unappreciated either lol

 

[Meredith]

When you need to reply to your instructor would it be possible for you to walk the length of the school before replying? If you explain what you are going to try to do I think your instructor would probably agree to this if it means you are not snapping at her. It would give you time to " look at your words before you say them".

I agree that no-one should be rude but you recognise what you are doing and are seeking a way to rectify it.

Good luck.

 

[doodle]

Things like this really annoy me. I have bpd which means I. An atuggle and react in the "wrong" manner. Everyone is very quick to point out when I react badly and I seem to spend my life examining my behaviour and reactions and trying to work out what the correct reaction is. I have spent years "training" myself and learning the more acceptable way to react. I have recently had a very interesting conversation with my yo who highlighted some of my behaviours (most recently when I had a meltdown about another horse going in my field) and I tried to explain why I sometimes get things wrong. It really annoys me though when people behave badly, or snap at their instructor repeatedly and yet are allowed to get away with it and that their instructor should accept it. Once or twice followed by an appology is one thing but to do it repeatedly is not on. You need to put in a STOP before you react and learn to behave better.

 

[Annagain]

You've recognised that you do it, so that's the first step to stopping. I'm struggling to see when snapping at your instructor would be an option. What do you say? What sort of thing is she saying that makes you snap?

Maybe I'm being naïve but I can't envisage a situation where snapping is possible? If she's pushing you out of your comfort zone, telling her calmly that you're not happy all it needs (I've been there and had to be quite firm but still polite) If she's asking you questions about what you're doing, it's to get you to think about it rather than because she really wants an answer. In your next lesson, could you tell her you're trying really hard not to snap so you're going to keep quiet and just listen instead?

 

[FfionWinnie]

It's not acceptable even if you apologise. I would consider that this instructor does not command your respect and you need someone who does.

However I can't actually think of a situation where I could be rude to any of my instructors and you wouldn't find many people more nervous than I am. Really you shouldn't be speaking much anyway. You should be listening.

 

[Sugar_and_Spice]

I can't help wondering what you get out of this lesson, if it stresses you to the point where you snap at someone.

 

[Overread]

People react to stress stimulations differently and at a mature age you've probably reacted in a similar way to stress situations for quite a while now. Riding might be one of those situations where you're keen to do it but where you're still scared/stressed way more than normal. As a result your behaviour is jumping to the extreme end, possibly way more than normal (not just in intensity of response but in frequency).

Recognising the problem is a huge step; wanting to resolve it is the next big step so you're already in a very powerful position. Some people who snap at others don't see the behaviour in themselves so resolving it can actually be a lot harder because they've got to realise their behaviour first.


I would say that you need some forms of stress relief and mental exercises to try and move your behaviour away from this and into a different more positive form.

I can see where some are saying that its a respect thing; but I also think that for some people respect might only silence you; it won't actually help tackle the stress itself so you end up just bottling; which can mean it all comes out at someone/something else.


You might want to talk to a counsellor. Meditation might also be another avenue. Stress exercises and coping methods might also be another pathway to look into.

 

[Parly]

Don't sweat it. If you know you're prone to being a bit sharp and offhand when stressed that's half the battle to be honest. Just say to her "Listen if I turn into a right horrible witch and start snapping and getting short please don't take any notice it's not you at all"

I'm the most bad-tempered, foul-mouthed person on Earth when stressed out but from experience have found if you give others a heads up and make sure they know it's not you they soon start finding it amusing if not endearing.

I once got so cross when trying to work with a young collie cos she wouldn't do what I asked and the sheep legged me up once or twice and oh God... "WHAT THE F.. WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU PILLOCK??? OH MY GOD I'M GONNA KICK SOME OF THESE SHEEP ALL OVER THE PLACE IN A MINUTE!!!"

Obviously I'd never do anything of the sort but trainer laughed and calmly went "Well that's not how we do things but rather than risk you being the first let's stop and have ten minutes shall we?"

 

[milliepops]

I agree with the replies that say this isn't acceptable etc. But I have to question what is happening in your lessons that is making you so tense? It's good to have your comfort zone stretched a bit but it sounds like you're not enjoying the lessons to the point that it's making you snap?

 

[Parly]

I'm more surprised at the replies from people that think this is unacceptable or disrespectful to be honest. Lot of people get short and snappy when under pressure and I remember being a similar way when learning to drive. Would have it all mapped and sorted in my head when approaching major roundabouts or junctions and just starting to feel like I had it sussed then he's go "OK now don't forget"

"I KNOW!! SHUT UP YOU'VE JUST COCKED ME UP SHUT UP!!! " and I'd stall the car and there'd be pips and people revving to get past me and that wound me up even more.

Wouldn't imagine the instructor to be genuinely offended or upset by a stressed rider on a short fuse.

Anyway I think if you just mention it to her when you're calm and not stressed

 

[FfionWinnie]

I remember being a similar way when learning to drive. Would have it all mapped and sorted in my head when approaching major roundabouts or junctions and just starting to feel like I had it sussed then he's go "OK now don't forget"

"I KNOW!! SHUT UP YOU'VE JUST COCKED ME UP SHUT UP!!! " and I'd stall the car and there'd be pips and people revving to get past me and that wound me up even more.

Are you for real??

 

[TwyfordM]

Having previously taught on a RS with all levels of rider I have to say the only thing I couldn't stand was one spoilt little brat who was rude as hell. It made me subconsciously not want to put the effort into teaching them. He didn't improve, I used to absolutely dread teaching him. Wasn't a healthy situation for anyone. Now he was about 8 years old so you can forgive or blame the parents for not picking him up on it etc. As an adult you need to take responsibility for your actions. The odd snap back if you are nervous or feeling backed into a corner is forgivable but constantly over reacting isn't

 

[Parly]

Are you for real?? You think this is acceptable in anyway?

It was never said in a nasty or aggressive sounding way though despite how it reads - honestly!! My driving instructor admitted he liked to deliberately throw a spanner in the works sometimes then belly laugh at me huffing and puffing and "Oh for God..." when he broke my concentration.

Laughing now reading back and realising it sounds much worse than it was but I do run a short-fuse generally although it's very rare I properly go up the pole. Just get a bit "Arggh!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING??!!!" kind of cross. Learning to ride a horse or drive a car is stressful so I'm pretty sure most instructors can forgive the odd sharpness here and there.

Girls I used to work with said I was the Gordon Ramsay of health and social care just cos of the short-temper and colourful vocabulary but never with malice. That's the only way I can explain it really but I don't get upset or annoyed or offended by anyone that reacts to stress or pressure by getting short either.


[video=youtube_share;aLXRxXIkjB0]https://youtu.be/aLXRxXIkjB0[/video]

 

[Parly]

And like I said knowing you get short and sharp when stressed is half the battle. If you know you're prone to feeling stressed and getting frustrated you can tell people beforehand which makes it that bit easier for them to work with but I've mellowed over the years and learned to take a deep breath and have five minutes.

Also learned to tell the difference between someone that's getting wound up and frustrated and starting to lose patience and someone that's being outright nasty. Rare people are deliberately vicious or malicious to be honest. The vast majority are feeling frustrated and it's working it's way out from the toes upwards.

I know what I mean anyway.

 

[angrybird1]

I think if I was the instructor I'd be rude right back. If you're that stressed I'd suggest you need to think if you are really enjoying it. Isn't it supposed to be fun?

 

[Cecile]

If I was aware of doing this having a good SOH I would at least turn up for one lesson with a piece of gaffer tape over my mouth with Shhh written on it or a mouth mask just to muffle what I was saying

 

[planete]

I spend a lot of time teaching my horses and my dogs self-control. If they can learn it so can you, stop making excuses.

 

[gunnergundog]

The flip side to all the responses so far is that the coach is at fault. Assuming this is a long established relationship then the coach by now should be aware of the clients comfort zone and her default behaviour when pushed outside; the coach should therefore either by seeking to keep her client within her 'safe' zone or, with the agreement of the client, slowly and gently extending that zone.

There is really insufficient information for anyone to be judgemental. I would hope that your coach is at least UKCC 3 if not higher.....if not, seek out one who is.

 

[Dave's Mam]

I'm curious as to what's happening to set you on such a stress level that you get short / sharp / rude.

My instructor pushes me, but kindly, with encouragement. I'd never dream of being sharp with her. In fact she gives me the biggest confidence boosts ever.

Try thinking what you are about to say, before you actually let it loose. Like someone said earlier, walk a length of the school & think.

 

[FfionWinnie]

It doesn't matter if the coach is completely incompetent - in that case get a new one, it doesn't excuse bad behaviour.

 

[Clodagh]

If the coach continues to coach you then I presume she doesn't mind that you are rude. Unless she is truly desperate for money, in which case she probably isn't that good.

 

[pepsimaxrock]

Are you for real??

And in what way is this an acceptable response? Log and eye

You may all be right. But the response to the OP is at least as rude as she (suggests) she may be being to her instructor.

 

[Rowreach]

I think if you were consistently rude to me I'd be wondering if another instructor would suit you better, or if riding is really your thing.

 

[scats]

I have a friend who gets very anxious about her own riding ability and this turns into snappiness at times. I teach her occasionally and mostly overlook it, but the other day I had to walk away and tell her I couldn't continue with the lesson. Anything I merely suggested and she bit my head off.
She did apologise the next day and we had a fabulous lesson today.