Partner hitting my dog

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PonyAndMutt

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Regular-ish poster who doesn’t want my partner to be identified just in case people know who I am IRL from my forum posts!

I would really appreciate some outside advice on a situation that is causing me a lot of stress and upset. I have a lovely little dog who is very very attached to me. I thought I had done everything right with her as a puppy to get her independent - leaving her, crate training etc. At the time I wasn’t living with my partner so she was very much my dog, but she never whined and was a happy confident little thing.

The issue we have now (a year later) is she hates to be left alone - she whines and howls. Hates it. Usually will be ok for a short while (5-10 minutes) before she starts. She won’t do it consistently but when she is doing it she is very persistent about it! In terms of managing behaviour, I am positive, reward based, ignore the bad praise the good etc. A “modern” dog owner apparently... I buy the books, watch the YouTube videos etc. I have bought a kong to fill with something yummy to leave her with when we go out. My partner is the opposite. He is from a farming background where apparently negative reinforcement/punishment is the done thing, and I’m a soft touch for not stopping this behaviour physically. He hits her on the nose for it (ie. dog is barking, she hears him approach the house, stops barking, he comes in and hits her on the nose) now to me that’s a) not going to do anything about the behaviour and b) actually create a more anxious fearful dog who is therefore MORE likely to create havoc when left as she won’t know where she stands, and fears being punished randomly. As (please please correct me if I’m wrong) dogs are unable to process consequences in the same way we are.

This is just one example of a situation where physically he is punishing my dog. It is never any more aggressive than a bop on the nose with a hand as far as I know. He will also do it if she is whining for me when he’s with her (for example I’ve come over to see him when he has her at work, she whines as I leave, he hits her across the nose).

It has been the cause of multiple huge arguments as I am firmly in camp “don’t you dare hit my dog” and he is in camp “you can’t control your animal so I have to in the tried and tested way I’ve seen my friends treat their dogs out shooting”. I’m finding it very upsetting to go through this as he will not respect the fact I don’t want my dog treated like that. I’ve tried not to be too emotional in this post as I don’t want to influence what people think, but I would really appreciate some perspective on the situation and what I can possibly do here ? I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place, I can’t protect my dog, and I can’t get through to my partner that what he’s doing is wrong ?
 

Pearlsasinger

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She is your dog, so your rules. Just don't leave the dog alone with him. Personally, I would bop him on the nose every time he does it. I am definitely not a 'soft' dog owner and will smack on the bum with the flat of my hand occasionally but only while the behaviour is continuing, no point afterwards.
I am not surprised that she whines when you leave her with him. If she was fine before he came into your lives, that should tell you something.

ETA, what will happen if/when you have children, will you still be disagreeing about discipline?
 

limestonelil

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Oh goodness, horrible situation. And I thought straight away your OH could be doing it deliberately to annoy you and wind you up. Very unpleasant behaviour and I wouldn't want to stay with someone who does this. How does he react to other situations which he finds irritating?
 

PonyAndMutt

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I actually brought up the subject of children a couple of days ago. He said it would depend on the scenario and although he doesn’t think it’s ok, he can’t for certain say that he would never do it as he doesn’t know all the possible scenarios.
I don’t know what to do. We’ve been together 2 years and are buying a house together.
 

Pearlsasinger

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I actually brought up the subject of children a couple of days ago. He said it would depend on the scenario and although he doesn’t think it’s ok, he can’t for certain say that he would never do it as he doesn’t know all the possible scenarios.
I don’t know what to do. We’ve been together 2 years and are buying a house together.



I would re-evaluate the relationship before you make any joint financial commitments. I wouldn't be surprised if OH is jealous of your attachment to your dog.
 

CorvusCorax

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All these threads are confirming for me why I'll never share the care of a dog with a partner or anyone else for that matter. I've dumped people for bemoaning how much time I spend with my dogs, if anyone lifted a hand to mine, it would be the last thing they would do.
Well, they wouldn't have a hand left, but you know what I mean.

And as to your question, a dog makes a link between a behaviour and a consequence, either positive or negative, between 0-5 seconds.
 

AmyMay

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Op, it’s not on in any shape or form, when I got my dog my oh and I had very recently bought our first house together. As a puppies can be, mine was naughty from time to time. At one point my partner got really cross about something that had happened and was going to smack my dog ( she didn’t deserve it). I picked her up, put her in the car and left. It was as simple as that.

No one hits my animals - it’s a nasty trait in any person. And was certainly not something I was prepared to tolerate.
 

meleeka

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if you are sometime in the future thinking about having kids, he doesn’t sound like father material at all. I think the point is, it doesn’t matter if his behaviour is right or wrong, it’s that YOU feel upset about it and he’s not willing to respect your feelings on the matter.
 
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TPO

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Speak to your partner and explain calmly how upsetting you find his treatment of the dog and that its causing you a lot of worry and stress.

I am in no way condoning his behaviour but he is possibly behaving the only way he knows how to if that is the treatment of animals that he has witnessed and those animals then "behaved".

You could suggest, or just outright book, a dog trainer to come out to BOTH of you and teach OH methods to resolve the behavioural issues he has with the dog. E.g. ways to deal with separation anxiety, barking when left and how to behave when returning to the house when she has stopped barking.

While a "bop on the nose" is distressing for you he obviously thinks that he is giving a "gentle" reprimand. There are clearly some communication issues between you as he isnt taking onboard how upsetting you are finding this and neither party seems to be suggesting alternatives. A third party, like a trainer or behaviourist, should help and be skilled in explaining to OH things like the timing of his "barking punishment" being doled out etc.

Surely your OH isnt being intentionally cruel or you wouldnt be looking to buy a house with him. It does read like its two contradictory approaches to dog training. Again in no way am I condoning his behaviour but he perhaps needs properly educated about dogs.

For example you have said that he bops her nose if she whines as you leave. That gives me the impression that you continue leaving and didnt about turn and put a stop to it the very first time it happened. To him, the same as with a dog or horse, that is allowing bad behaviour and rewarding it.

Based on the info provided I dont think your OH is a cruel animal beater, but he does need proper training on how to be around animals including how to correct behaviours, nor do I think hes going to beat any future children but I do think there is something fundamentally wrong in a relationship when it's not possible to have an honest and frank discussion about something that he does that is distressing for you. If you cant have open and honest conversations with a partner then go and do not get bound together by a mortgage.
 

SusieT

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Ok, translate this to how your parenting styles are going to differ- and he is not allowing your opinion to be right.
I would be asking myself if the attitude is one you want to be partnered with. Either he and the dog have no interaction if he cant be reasoned with to adjust his method of training (and if he cant - is he really someone you can stay with?) or it may be a deal breaker.
 

PapaverFollis

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Regardless of the training effectiveness of his actions, regardless of whether he's just doing what he knows/has seen his friends do, regardless of whether it's a bop or a bash.... YOU have tried setting a boundary regarding how the dog should be treated and he has IGNORED that. If you set a boundary in a relationship it should be respected, although they can be discussed and negotiated because compromise etc BUT him just ignoring your wishes regarding the dog... nope.

Kick him to the curb. Or you'll forever be fighting for any other boundaries you wish to set.
 

Clodagh

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Now I’m normally in the compromise is everything camp, but not in this case. He never hits your dog again or you leave, that would be my take on it. He can beat his own dog if he likes (and you can stand it) but he never touches yours.
There is another poster on here who could not work our why her dog would not stop messing in the house. It eventually came to light he was being cruelly treated by another family member. Cruel person moved out, messing stopped.
Never leave her alone with him!
 

LadyGascoyne

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My husband grew up on a farm.

I have never, ever, ever seen him raise a hand to an animal.

I actually asked him because I found the thread really worrying, and I wondered if it was just me.

I asked him if he had ever hit a dog, and he was absolutely horrified - of course he hasn’t.

Then I asked if he had hit any animal, and he said he thinks he has probably smacked the odd horse - an open hand smack on the neck with one that would bite, or a tap with a whip behind the leg to back up aids. Never ever ever on the nose, or anywhere near the head.

My husband does value good manners in animals but is very quiet, firm and consistent which tends to do the job.

I’m sorry OP, it must be hard to hear but I don’t think you can relate this behavior to being ‘firm’ or being a farming type.
 

ycbm

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I actually brought up the subject of children a couple of days ago. He said it would depend on the scenario and although he doesn’t think it’s ok, he can’t for certain say that he would never do it as he doesn’t know all the possible scenarios.
I don’t know what to do. We’ve been together 2 years and are buying a house together.

Please put the house purchase on hold.
.
 

PonyAndMutt

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Putting house purchase on hold is very difficult... completion imminent. I need to talk to him (again) I know. It’s so difficult to know how to say it to get it to actually sink in how serious I am. We’re currently on hour three of silence since I told him off for ‘bopping her on the nose’ this evening.
 

PonyAndMutt

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The silent treatment is for saying it loudly in case the new neighbours hear. He drove off and left me there for 20 minutes/half an hourish and there’s just been silence since.
 
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