Partner hitting my dog

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PapaverFollis said:
Regardless of the training effectiveness of his actions, regardless of whether he's just doing what he knows/has seen his friends do, regardless of whether it's a bop or a bash.... YOU have tried setting a boundary regarding how the dog should be treated and he has IGNORED that. If you set a boundary in a relationship it should be respected, although they can be discussed and negotiated because compromise etc BUT him just ignoring your wishes regarding the dog... nope.

Kick him to the curb. Or you'll forever be fighting for any other boundaries you wish to set.
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This 100%, worded much more eloquently that I was trying.
 
Cheeky Chestnut said:
I did but I also wonder why should that matter? If my horse didn’t like my partner would I dump him? No I wouldn’t. If I had a dog and it didn’t like my partner then I would do the work rather than just kick someone I love out. There needs to be work done here by all parties. I love my animals but I love my partner as well. It’s very easy for us strangers on the net to just say Dump him. I have been bitten by a possessive dog I was house sitting for and required stitches, behavioural issues here need addressed human and canine.

If he says me or the dog then that to me is an ultimatum. I personally won’t live with anyone who issues them regardless of what it’s about but he hasn’t, they just are not communicating very well about a sensitive issue.
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Your horse doesn't have to live with your partner. But the advice to leave the OH isn't about the dog's behaviour, or even the way the OH treats the dog but about the way he seems to have no respect for OP's opinions/rules/boundaries.
 
Pearlsasinger said:
Your horse doesn't have to live with your partner. But the advice to leave the OH isn't about the dog's behaviour, or even the way the OH treats the dog but about the way he seems to have no respect for OP's opinions/rules/boundaries.
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So my partners parrots attack me, to draw blood, however we have to live with them. How do you suppose I solve that problem? I’ve had to bat them away a few times before I lost an eye or had to have stitches. Did I leave him? Did he leave me? No we had an argument then we sorted out solutions. There is no training a parrot to like you when they have decided they don’t. You cannot keep telling people to dump people. The dogs behaviour is relevant as it is causing the friction regardless of when it started.

Ok so here is a scenario, op dumps this guy, dog settles down, meets another guy, dog starts again, dumps that guy etc on and on. There is behaviour issues on all sides here.

I get that we are all animal lovers here and tempers run high but you need to be rational.
 
Cheeky Chestnut said:
I did but I also wonder why should that matter? If my horse didn’t like my partner would I dump him? No I wouldn’t. If I had a dog and it didn’t like my partner then I would do the work rather than just kick someone I love out. There needs to be work done here by all parties. I love my animals but I love my partner as well. It’s very easy for us strangers on the net to just say Dump him. I have been bitten by a possessive dog I was house sitting for and required stitches, behavioural issues here need addressed human and canine.

If he says me or the dog then that to me is an ultimatum. I personally won’t live with anyone who issues them regardless of what it’s about but he hasn’t, they just are not communicating very well about a sensitive issue.
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I really love my husband, a lot. He is my world. TBH would I love him if he sulked/refused to speak to me/didn't acknowledge my opinions? Probably not. Have we had rows/disagreements/differences of opinion? Yes of course.
I never say dump him to any poster, but I at least say 'whoooaaa' to this one. I think you may have missed the refusing to acknowledge her right to a differing POV, which is far more relaevant than whether or not the dog gets a whack. (Although I can't bear hitting on the muzzle).
 
Cheeky Chestnut said:
So my partners parrots attack me, to draw blood, however we have to live with them. How do you suppose I solve that problem? I’ve had to bat them away a few times before I lost an eye or had to have stitches. Did I leave him? Did he leave me? No we had an argument then we sorted out solutions. There is no training a parrot to like you when they have decided they don’t. You cannot keep telling people to dump people. The dogs behaviour is relevant as it is causing the friction regardless of when it started.

Ok so here is a scenario, op dumps this guy, dog settles down, meets another guy, dog starts again, dumps that guy etc on and on. There is behaviour issues on all sides here.

I get that we are all animal lovers here and tempers run high but you need to be rational.
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So does your partner now expect you to allow the parrots to draw blood? Or have you reached a compromise?
 
It's really not about how the man is treating the dog. It's about how the man is treating the woman. I wouldn't dump someone for simply bopping the dog (depending on level and circumstances of bopping... and I'm definitely a no bop person myself). But if it was my dog and he was bopping it and I told him not to and he continued and then gave me the storm off silent treatment when called out for disregarding my very reasonable wishes THEN I would be seriously considering the future with him. And on top of that the "don't say it so the neighbours can hear"? Swear words.
 
OP. I think you have (or are about to have hopefully) a lucky escape. Men with this attitude to women (or animals - or anything tbh) who disrespect your right to an opinion or wishes are all over Mumsnet, with partners desperate to escape but they can't because, children, houses, finances etc etc..
So glad you are out of there, if he bops your dog on the nose, when will it be you because you disagree with him? The silent treatment, the sulking, the mental abuse?
Your dog has shown you what he really is, I hope you run and don't look back.
This isn't about him hitting your dog (though that is bad enough), it's about a controlling man who wants his own way and isn't prepared to compromise. Living with such a man is hell. Getting away from them once you're sucked in, is worse.
Please as someone else has already said, contact your solicitor and get out of buying that house no matter what the cost. It will be a hell of a lot cheaper than buying it and getting out of it all in 6 months (if at all)
 
Clodagh said:
So does your partner now expect you to allow the parrots to draw blood? Or have you reached a compromise?
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We have reached a compromise, however wanted the parrots clipped, he didn’t, he wanted me to allow them free run and I just had to deal, I wasn’t for Doing that as I am there too so we argued back and forth until We reached a compromise and the parrots have been restricted to certain areas when not under hand or if I’m there alone. My point is we didn’t dump each other because we didn’t agree on animal training.
 
you are doing the right thing being at your mums. there are a ton of red flags in how he treats you. you have broached an issue about a behaviour that is unacceptable to you, and he has dismissed it, not compromised at all and has no respect for your opinions. he has confirmed he thinks violence is acceptable towards future children. and when you try to discuss it further he shuts you down and gives you the cold shoulder. If this is how he acts over this issue, this is how he will react to any future issues you have. it's very worrying.
 
Cheeky Chestnut said:
We have reached a compromise, however wanted the parrots clipped, he didn’t, he wanted me to allow them free run and I just had to deal, I wasn’t for Doing that as I am there too so we argued back and forth until We reached a compromise and the parrots have been restricted to certain areas when not under hand or if I’m there alone. My point is we didn’t dump each other because we didn’t agree on animal training.
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the bigger issue the OP has is nothing to do with the dog, it's about her partner totally dismissing her concerns and shutting down any communication. your own post shows you had a similar issue but you and your partner obviously have a strong enough relationship and communication that you could discuss it openly, both air and hear each other's different views and come to a compromise. The OPs partner isn't willing to do this at all. that's why people are saying to leave, it's over a bigger issue than the dog.
 
Cheeky Chestnut said:
We have reached a compromise, however wanted the parrots clipped, he didn’t, he wanted me to allow them free run and I just had to deal, I wasn’t for Doing that as I am there too so we argued back and forth until We reached a compromise and the parrots have been restricted to certain areas when not under hand or if I’m there alone. My point is we didn’t dump each other because we didn’t agree on animal training.
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If only it was just about animal training. My husband knows that he rarely wins an argument with me, when we were younger to get at me he used to be horrible to the dogs, he didn't hit them, but just shouted at them, for being dogs. So we had some huge rows, because its just not fair on the dogs, and if he has a problem, pick on me, because I can defend myself. If he could not understand what he was doing, and why it was so abusive, one of us would have been out the door.
When men ask women not to 'make a fuss', it rings alarm bells, if you are unhappy you should be free to express that. Different families have different ways of coping with confrontation, some just ignore problems and hope they will go away. My attitude is unless you know what is wrong, how can you possibly put it right, and the silent treatment is the classic passive aggressive, you're so wrong I am not speaking to you as its pointless,'because you're so unreasonable, stupid'etc.
 
that's a tough personality trait to live with. the only thing that could help is counselling so you can both learn a way to handle it. to be tied with a house and future plans is tough but this is the stage where you CAN walk away without going through the difficulties of being tied to someone through a house/marriage/kids. the other option is a future where you live with someone who thinks it's ok to hit your dog and possibly kids and who ignores you and stonewalls you so he can get his own way. it's so unhealthy, it would be very beneficial to go to a counselling session.
 
To add, he is not a bad person. He is kind and generous, he will drop everything to help someone else. I love that about him! His heart is very giving. He isn't cruel by nature. However he *needs* to be running the show in the decisions in his life and that does impact me and how much influence I have in the relationship.
 
TPO said:
Speak to your partner and explain calmly how upsetting you find his treatment of the dog and that its causing you a lot of worry and stress......
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Yes....all this sounds like great advice. He must be a decent enough person or you wouldn't be with him in the first place, so there must be some failure of communication going on here. Getting a third party involved seems like a sensible plan.
 
Widgeon said:
Yes....all this sounds like great advice. He must be a decent enough person or you wouldn't be with him in the first place, so there must be some failure of communication going on here. Getting a third party involved seems like a sensible plan.
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I have done this several times already. The response is that he will stop doing it when he doesn't have a reason to anymore, ie when the behaviour doesn't happen anymore. She is a dog, I can't guaruntee that she will never whine or bark. And my attempts at supportively training the behaviour out is thwarted every time she is physically punished as from what I can see it sends her backwards, getting more anxious and wanting me to be with her more...
 
He sounds very like my dad (heavy handed with animals, huffy/silent treatment, driving off and leaving, controlling). He's not a bad person deep down either, just emotionally stunted and not right for my Mum, who is a very soft natured person BUT highly intelligent and independent and a bit over-emotional (IE 'uppity') and I am glad I was not forced to grow up in such a toxic atmosphere for a prolonged time. He has been happily married to his current wife for over 30 years, they are a much better match and right up each other's street. Plus he has definitely mellowed with time and knows a lot of his behaviours were because of a completely loveless upbringing.
They got together far too young and divorced at a time when it was really pretty uncommon in a relatively rural area, and have both gone on to live happy and fulfilled lives (although my mother does carry a bit of baggage).
Just look down the road a bit and have a think about what happens if he 'wins' this one.
 
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What is his response, now that you have shown it is a deal breaker if he hits your dog?
I suspect he will say he will change, promise you the moon on a stick but when the house is bought and he's got you where he wants it will start again. Manipulative.
I see you say he he is lovely, can't help others enough - but you, he can't listen to one simple request (and don't say anything in casethe neighbours might hear).
Honestly,OP this is chilling me to the bone, I have a friend who was sucked in by someone similar, it started with him not liking her spending time with her horse, I haven't seen her now in 3 years as he's separated her from all her friends, she can't go out without him unless work, horse is retired in a field somewhere.... :(
 
PonyAndMutt said:
I have done this several times already. The response is that he will stop doing it when he doesn't have a reason to anymore, ie when the behaviour doesn't happen anymore. She is a dog, I can't guaruntee that she will never whine or bark. And my attempts at supportively training the behaviour out is thwarted every time she is physically punished as from what I can see it sends her backwards, getting more anxious and wanting me to be with her more...
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I'm not sure why anyone thinking hitting a nervous/stressed dog will make it less nervous/stressed?
As an aside, my brother had a working lab that whined on the peg. (A complete no no). He walloped that dog for a long time, threw things at it, shook a can of stones at it, and all he ended up with was a dog that lay pressed to the ground with it's eyes shut...whining. He gave up working it in the end and they had a happy life together, he had to learn the hard way too. But at least that was his own dog.
 
PonyAndMutt said:
The lack of compromise is a recurrent theme. Without going in to too much detail this is a personality trait of his.

Again, I really appreciate all your responses. I'm trying to remain objective and so all points of view are important and useful x
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After 42 years marriage I can tell you unequivocally that no long term relationship survives without compromise. If he is like this now, then this relationship is likely to end sooner rather than later anyway, possibly after you have become a browbeaten shell of your current self.

Please stay with your Mum while you back out of the house deal if at all possible.

Best wishes whatever you choose to do.
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Op all I’m going to say is that you need to look at this objectively, you entered into a relationship with this person and are building a life with them for a reason, if you don’t want to do that anymore then fair enough but I wouldn’t be happy with allowing random strangers on the net to be ripping into the character of my partner, Regardless of what he has done to piss me off. That to me sends more of a message than anything. If you want to leave him them do it.

If you are going to leave then do so and take your dog however make sure a it’s what you want and not off the back of mass faceless opinion on the net.
 
The thing I have told both my daughters is, you can not expect to change your partner, if you start a relationship thinking they will change, that you can make it 'right', its just not going to happen.
My daughters twelve year relationship with her husband has broken down, the things she helped him to 'fix', have not been fixed, in fact the truth has been hidden from her for a long time. If you met him, he appears a very kind quiet person, he has a good job and no one knew what was really going on. When you love someone you want to help them, but really if they do not want to help you, even at the start, it's never going to work. It's his problem, he has to sort himself out, you can not make him do anything. I would leave him to it no matter how much it hurts now, it will hurt much more later.
 
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