Partner not happy about horse costs

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Libby_x

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Hi all,

Partner has gone mad as I want to go on full livery (5 days a week).

I've added up DIY costs and it's about £60-70 a week once I include bedding, feed, hay so on.

Full livery is £85 and means I get to go back on a livery yard, have better facilities and more help around a full time job.

Both 25 and still at home. When he realised how much DIY totals up to he has gone mad before even entertaining the idea of going on 5 day livery.

What do you all do when your partner has a big grudge about you having a horse? It makes me feel rubbish and like I should sell and give up but I've always had horses and can't imagine life without?!
 
When an ex gave me the ultimatum, he went.
Do the same to yours, he doesn't sound right for you to make you feel that way.
You earn your own money, And do not need to justify what you spend your money on.
My husband never complains about what I spend on the 3 horses.
 
any partner not willing to support you in something you love isnt much of a person in my view it is a question of accepting people for who they are not trying to make them what you want them to be. If you can afford to keep the horse however you chose and still have enough for day to day expenses then what you do with your money is your choice. I have been married for 41 years you have to pick your battles but always fight for what is important to you and compromise on things that are important to the other person but not to you. I found jealousy of the amount of time horses take up is usually the biggest problem so having yours on full livery will give you more time for the other person in your life
 
What ???
Seriously ???
WTF ???

Get rid or tell him to shape up. It's nothing to do with him at all.

You spend your money as you see fit and do what's best for you and your horse.
 
I think his argument is we both live at home still. I can't afford the horse on top of moving out and renting, or saving to get a mortgage? But I am looking to constantly move up at work and trying my hardest. I just don't want to give up my hobby as nothing could quite replace it, even if it is very expensive.
 
totally agree with all the other comments. it's your money, you work hard, spend it how you want. good luck. he will feel the benefit because you will have more time for him. it is not all about money. sell him the good points
 
claret09 said:
totally agree with all the other comments. it's your money, you work hard, spend it how you want. good luck. he will feel the benefit because you will have more time for him. it is not all about money. sell him the good points
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This. Full livery help = more time together and you more able to put energy into achieving and succeeding at work.

You had horses when you got together and they are part and parcel of who you are. This was the deal. He really doesn't get to change the goalposts on you just because he's suddenly learned what things cost.
 
Your money, your choice.
The only time a conversation between partners about the costs of a hobby is relevant is if those costs are impinging on the joint household budget to the point where you can't pay for things you need. If you are both financially independent of each other, how you choose to spend your money is none of his business.
 
Libby_x said:
I think his argument is we both live at home still. I can't afford the horse on top of moving out and renting, or saving to get a mortgage? But I am looking to constantly move up at work and trying my hardest. I just don't want to give up my hobby as nothing could quite replace it, even if it is very expensive.
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I think that shows you are more committed to your horse than to him, playing devils advocate he has a point but I agree it is your money and you can spend it on whatever you want as at the moment you don't have the responsibility of paying a share of a mortgage/ rent/ bills, life is too short, if he doesn't want you to lead the life you want move on and find someone who will be with you for who you are, the horse is part of the deal.
 
Think of it this way, if you had a child, would he expect you to give that child up because he didn't like how much money your child cost to care for ?
 
I completely understand where he's coming from in some ways. Believe me, I constantly worry about money and needing to move out as soon as possible... But if he had a hobby that he's had since a child, I would work out a way to support that around saving for a house. I don't know, just got quite heated and left me feeling really upset.
 
I can see his point.

If you are both saving every penny to be together, it must be a hard for him that you would prefer to pay more towards the horse rather than put that towards building your life together.

Personally, if I thought the relationship was really going somewhere, I'd put the relationship first.

I put my horses on grass livery and gave them a year off when my OH and I moved in together, but I did it without really thinking about it, or any discussions about horse costs. Our home was automatically my priority. I know all relationships are different but if it isn't like that for you, then maybe it's something to think about.
 
Libby_x said:
I think his argument is we both live at home still. I can't afford the horse on top of moving out and renting, or saving to get a mortgage? But I am looking to constantly move up at work and trying my hardest. I just don't want to give up my hobby as nothing could quite replace it, even if it is very expensive.
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Until I got to this post I was in the "it's your money, and if he doesn't want to support you then tell him where to go" as I would do the same, but tbh reading this post I can see where your OH is coming from. If your hobby is stopping you from moving in with your partner and you're looking to spend more money on that same hobby then I can see why he's frustrated, especially if he thinks that money could be spent on rent or a mortgage. Ultimately it's your money and your decision what you do but if you can't afford to move out or save for a mortgage and choose instead to spend that money on your horse it kind of tells your partner what and who you value more, which can feel hurtful. You may not see it that way but he probably does.

KautoStar1 said:
Think of it this way, if you had a child, would he expect you to give that child up because he didn't like how much money your child cost to care for ?
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A child and a horse are not the same. Horses are a hobby, and most often a luxury. Children are not.
 
LadyGascoyne said:
I can see his point.

If you are both saving every penny to be together, it must be a hard for him that you would prefer to pay more towards the horse rather than put that towards building your life together.

Personally, if I thought the relationship was really going somewhere, I'd put the relationship first.

I put my horses on grass livery and gave them a year off when my OH and I moved in together, but I did it without really thinking about it, or any discussions about horse costs. Our home was automatically my priority. I know all relationships are different but if it isn't like that for you, then maybe it's something to think about.
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I totally agree with this post. Relationships are about compromise. It just sounds like he's thinking more about the future than you are, and maybe that's not a bad thing...I
 
I am also saving to buy a house, i know it would be faster if I didn't have a horse but at the end of the day I work hard for my money and am entitled to treat my self with my hobby. Tell him to get over it and put in some overtime to cover the extra cost. Move out and keep your horse, that's my plan. I am 100% committed to getting our own place but I'm also committed to my horse, can have both I believe but will need to work harder and earn for it.
I will add that I have one horse on diy, not two on full livery though.
 
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Could you not get a sharer? That would free up time and money. That would certainly be what I'd look into and would be a realistic compromise.

I disagree that the horse should go. It doesn't matter how perfect your man is in every other way. If forcing you into giving up the thing you love makes him happy then he is not 'the one'. That's not right.

Having lived with a controlling partner in the past, I'm uncomfortable with what it represents. Now it's the horse. Will he then start asking how much money you spend when you go out with friends?

What does he go for pleasure? Add that up for him! ;-)
 
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It's your money. It's not really any of his business how you spend it. Personally I'd tell him to like it or lump it.
 
I can see both sides but often we can't have it all and certainly many people will prioritise other areas of their life over horses at some point. I guess you need to decide what your priorities are. Have a horse but live at home until you're 30 plus or prioritise your relationship and moving out. Or other compromises you need to work out together.

I'd always be cautious though if I felt my partner didn't at least try to understand or come to some compromise over things that I enjoy such as horses without making me feel constantly guilty. That's no way to live.

Sounds like you need to both sit down together and decide what you both want and how to get there without squashing each other's passions. If you can't do that now then that says quite a bit about your relationship going forward.
 
I can see where he's coming from, but he also sounds quite controlling and you might want to think about how you feel about that.

What would others do? If a man didn't understand what my horse means to me and was going to start 'going mad' about how I spend my money or my time, I would be giving him the swerve.
 
I did give up horses when I was in my mid twenties because I wanted nothing more than to buy our own house and live with my partner (now husband). Having him and then having children was my number one priority. However, at that time I was only loaning a horse as itwas after uni and I didn't have the purchase price. So it was easier for me to give up. I just rode friends horses then until my second child was two years old. Then I went back into horses and have been ever since. If I had had my horse of a lifetime, the one I lost nearly 4 years ago however, nothing would have made me give her up. It all depends on your own situation. Every relationship and every horse relationshiip is different. They are not equal.
 
You must do what's right for you .
I did not ride for nearly two years while we bought and converted this place .
However life is short and about being happy and I would have never contemplated a partner would thought he had the right to moan about you spending £ 80 of your own money a week .
I would be hearing huge alarm bells if I where you .
Ps I would also tell him bog off and put my horses on five day livery if that's what you want to do .
 
How much are each of you able to save towards having a life together? Is he saving a lot more than you without being paid a lot more than you?

Are you sure you actually want a live in relationship with him, or is increasing the cost of something you know he is already struggling with a subconscious way of sabotaging that?
 
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I think it is not so much about the horse or not about the horse, after all it is your money and up to you. I think it is about priorities.

When I got a proper job and bought a house it was my house, not shared, and I decided to sell my horse and put my efforts to establishing myself. I went without a horse for almost 5 years. I had no horse, a cheap car, very little money, but I was on the housing ladder and able to devote my own time to making my career work.

I was only in my house for 3 months before moving in with OH, we both split time between out houses before selling up and buying a shared house. Once we were then married and doing better financially it was actually my husband and mother who persuaded me to go back into horse ownership. Since them OH decided he quite likes these strange beasts called horses, and we have a bigger place with horses, stables, etc etc. He has even done the odd pleasure ride and dressage comp as well as becoming a competent 3 day event groom.

None of that would have happened if I had kept a horse rather than concentrating my efforts in my early 20s, but it did not feel like a burden as it was my own decision rather than his suggestion or insistence.

I think you need to sit down and have a look at priorities, and see if you are both a match at the moment. Would a sharer be possible? I had one when I had a horse when I was starting back out. It was a bonus, made something that would be difficult - easy.

I would also be cautious if he is controlling. That one would be a red flag.
 
I had to give up horses for a few years when I first got married. Once we were stable financially I got back into them.

Relationships are about compromise and I also think your boyfriend has a valid point, if the roles were reversed and he was spending lots of money on an expensive car hobby for example and you were the one saving for a house imagine how it would make you feel. Horses aren't a necessity (I know plenty of us would argue otherwise though!) and they are expensive!

I think you've got to make a decision on what you really want from life at the moment.
 
I am in the same boat right now, in terms of having horses and saving to move out. Both are on DIY and are easy to keep and I definitely wouldn't be looking at increasing that cost. It's not easy to save but I'm getting there, even if it is only a couple of hundred a month it's still something, just cut back on other hobbies/days out. Buy things second hand if you can and sell things you don't need. If you can get a sharer then do so, it might be easier to then have them on diy if they ride in exchange for chores or the bf might be appeased if the horses are "earning their keep" if they contribute financially. Keep your hobby just try to compromise a little and if the bf is still really against the horses then he knows where the door is!
 
Honestly I think there's something fundamentally wrong with the relationship if you can't find a compromise on something like this. He ought to be more supportive of something that means so much to you and if he really was your Mr Right, you'd happily find a compromise and be desperate to move in with him. It's probably time to take a long hard look at your relationship.

I was with someone for 10 years but we never made that leap into moving in together. I thought we would stay together and it would all fall into place eventually. It didn't and the relationship ended. When I met my now husband I said from the off that me and my pony came as a package. I'd moved in with him 3 months later and we were married a year after that. We've been married 21 years now. What I'm trying f to say is I didn't know the previous long term one wasn't the one, but when I met OH I knew straight away he was the one.

You are still young and I wouldn't be giving up your horse for anyone. That's currently the most important thing to you and that's fine. If it's meant to be it will all fall into place.
 
If you were truly ready to be buying a house together you'd be able to work out a compromise on things like this. I'd take his attitude as a warning to how he will behave to you in other situations in the future and tell him to do one. I would never have put up with a man telling me what I could and couldn't do with my animals.
 
Consider it lucky you've found out about this incompatibility at this stage. The who is right and who is wrong thing is irrelevant. One of you will have to change their attitude on this and usually that doesn't bode well.
 
LadyGascoyne said:
I can see his point.

If you are both saving every penny to be together, it must be a hard for him that you would prefer to pay more towards the horse rather than put that towards building your life together.

Personally, if I thought the relationship was really going somewhere, I'd put the relationship first.
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nato said:
tbh reading this post I can see where your OH is coming from. If your hobby is stopping you from moving in with your partner and you're looking to spend more money on that same hobby then I can see why he's frustrated, especially if he thinks that money could be spent on rent or a mortgage.

A child and a horse are not the same. Horses are a hobby, and most often a luxury. Children are not.
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joosie said:
Relationships are about compromise. It just sounds like he's thinking more about the future than you are, and maybe that's not a bad thing...I
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touchstone said:
Relationships are about compromise and I also think your boyfriend has a valid point, if the roles were reversed and he was spending lots of money on an expensive car hobby for example and you were the one saving for a house imagine how it would make you feel. Horses aren't a necessity (I know plenty of us would argue otherwise though!) and they are expensive!

I think you've got to make a decision on what you really want from life at the moment.
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meleeka said:
Honestly I think there's something fundamentally wrong with the relationship if you can't find a compromise on something like this. He ought to be more supportive of something that means so much to you and if he really was your Mr Right, you'd happily find a compromise and be desperate to move in with him. It's probably time to take a long hard look at your relationship
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I agree with all of this.
 
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