limestonelil
Well-Known Member
WTF? You could decide to do what he wants, then it's proved that he is in control and he either dumps you or gets ever more controlling! Good luck OP and don't be pushed around.
Partner not happy about horse costs
- Thread starter Libby_x
- Start date
stencilface
High upon a hillside
This is the thin end of the wedge. You don't even live with him yet and he's trying to dictate how you spend your money. What's he's going to want to control once you're living together? Does he have hobbies? Harder to make it work if only one of you has a hobby as they can resent it.
If you wanted to move asap, you would downscale the horse costs without thinking about it. If he brought the issue up in a way that he tried to help you save more, then that's different.
If you wanted to move asap, you would downscale the horse costs without thinking about it. If he brought the issue up in a way that he tried to help you save more, then that's different.
benz
Well-Known Member
This is one of those situations I can see both sides of the story - of course i fully understand OP as horses arent just a hobby they are a way of life. On the other hand the OH has a point, if they are supposed to be saving for a house and OP is looking to spend even more on horses of course they might get upset.
This sounds like a time for deciding what your priorities are OP and if they lie with the horses maybe it's time for a proper talk with your OH. On the other hand if you do want to save for a house then compromise is the key here, instead of spending more on full livery, get a sharer in or put on grass livery, show your OH that you are serious about saving for the house but that you cannot just give up your horses.
On the other hand if your OH really has 'gone mad' and you feel that this is controlling behaviour rather than just someone understandably upset or if your OH also has expensive hobbies that they are unwilling to give up, maybe it's time to rethink the relationship. Good luck with whatever you decide
This sounds like a time for deciding what your priorities are OP and if they lie with the horses maybe it's time for a proper talk with your OH. On the other hand if you do want to save for a house then compromise is the key here, instead of spending more on full livery, get a sharer in or put on grass livery, show your OH that you are serious about saving for the house but that you cannot just give up your horses.
On the other hand if your OH really has 'gone mad' and you feel that this is controlling behaviour rather than just someone understandably upset or if your OH also has expensive hobbies that they are unwilling to give up, maybe it's time to rethink the relationship. Good luck with whatever you decide
ycbm
Einstein would be proud of my Insanity...
What if they earn the same salary and she's saving £100 a month towards their joint future and trying to reduce it to nothing, and he's saving £500 and wondering if she is actually committed to this relationship?
The jump to 'he's controlling' seems a bit hasty on the evidence of a single issue without any financial details to explain why he may feel that way?
OP, does he try to tell you how to behave in any other aspect of your lives?
Do you love him?
The jump to 'he's controlling' seems a bit hasty on the evidence of a single issue without any financial details to explain why he may feel that way?
OP, does he try to tell you how to behave in any other aspect of your lives?
Do you love him?
Theocat
Well-Known Member
If you've previously agreed that you'll both save up so that you can move in together, and he has now found out that, while he's been happily saving up and dreaming of choosing curtains, you have been spending all your money on horses and now want to spend even more and can save even less for your future, I'm not surprised he has flown off the handle.
Of course you can choose between horses and having a life living with this man - but he can't choose. You're expecting him to shelve his dreams of moving in together and creating a life so that you can pursue your hobby.
Put the boot on the other foot- how would we all react if it were the other way around?
OP, if you don't want to put your relationship first at the exciting stage of moving in together, then it's almost certainly the wrong relationship. I think you need to find a way to manage the horses more cheaply, or you and your OH need to part ways - you are not being fair to him.
Of course you can choose between horses and having a life living with this man - but he can't choose. You're expecting him to shelve his dreams of moving in together and creating a life so that you can pursue your hobby.
Put the boot on the other foot- how would we all react if it were the other way around?
OP, if you don't want to put your relationship first at the exciting stage of moving in together, then it's almost certainly the wrong relationship. I think you need to find a way to manage the horses more cheaply, or you and your OH need to part ways - you are not being fair to him.
Equi
Well-Known Member
He'd be out the door. One, it's your money. Two, who is he to tell you anything?! You're a independate woman. Never let a man tell you what to do!
Clodagh
Well-Known Member
I agree with Be Positive, partner has a point.
Having a row (which is what it sounds like what happened) is not the same as ongoing bullying at all.
If I had to choose between my husband or my dogs (now I have no horse) I would at least cut down what I spend on them. It just sounds like OP prefers her horses to her partner. Once they have both calmed down they can hopefully discuss calmly and reach a compromise.
I do wonder if a lot of people on here are single sometimes. Compromise is always needed in life, no wonder society is in a muddle.
Having a row (which is what it sounds like what happened) is not the same as ongoing bullying at all.
If I had to choose between my husband or my dogs (now I have no horse) I would at least cut down what I spend on them. It just sounds like OP prefers her horses to her partner. Once they have both calmed down they can hopefully discuss calmly and reach a compromise.
I do wonder if a lot of people on here are single sometimes. Compromise is always needed in life, no wonder society is in a muddle.
joosie
Well-Known Member
Just taking these as examples... People are assuming that the boyfriend has told her she has to give up her horse or choose between them, but I can't see anywhere in the OP where it says this. Expressing concern about the amount her horse costs isn't the same as telling her to get rid of it. She says it makes her FEEL like she should give it up, not that he told her to give it up. Which is it OP? - has he actually said he wants you to get rid of your horse?
Don't get me wrong, my horses are my priority and I understand it's a frustrating situation but I still feel like the OH deserves a little more understanding here. Money anxiety is a real thing that a lot of us face at some point in our lives, especially at that stage in our 20s-30s where we're trying to plan for the future. Has anyone criticising the OH actually stopped to consider that the is genuinely worried about their financial situation? We are only hearing the OP's point of view remember.
I.M.N.
Well-Known Member
My partner earns twice as much as me so when it comes to saving any money he is always way ahead of me, but he realises how much my horses mean to me and would never dream of suggesting I cut down on them. Relationships aren't about like for like they're about making sure your partner is as happy as they can be. We managed to save for a flat but he ended up paying for the extra bits, legal, fees, stamp duty and the odd month I don't pay my half of the mortgage if I've had a big vet bill or some such but as far as he's concerned everything is ours half half. There is nothing but support and understanding in our relationship, that's true love.
I've always said life on a whole is pretty **** so your partner should at worst have no influence on your life, when they start making it harder in any way they need to go, even more so if they make you feel bad about something that makes you happy.
I've always said life on a whole is pretty **** so your partner should at worst have no influence on your life, when they start making it harder in any way they need to go, even more so if they make you feel bad about something that makes you happy.
paddi22
Well-Known Member
Have you sat down together and worked out an actual budget of what you need to achieve to get? It doesn't sound like you know what the plan is - are you saving to rent a place or saving to get a mortgage? they are two completely different scenarios and commitments.
How committed are you to the relationship? To be honest, if it was a recent-ish (two year or less) boyfriend, I wouldn't be rushing to sell a horse I loved just so I could move in with him either. I wouldn't be opening joint savings accounts etc unless i knew it was a permanent commitment. Imagine you moved in and found out you weren't compatible? But if it was someone I could wanted to settle and marry etc, then I'd compromise (sharer, grass livery etc).
He probably feels as if his goals of settling down etc aren't materialising and he is getting older. Work out a plan so you know where you are both going.
But you need to sit down and work out exactly what you aim is and realistically what you can each give to achieve it as a proportion of your salaries. If you've always had horses, and they are a big part of your life, then they have to be factored into the cost too in some way, and he needs to accept they ware always going to be there.
How committed are you to the relationship? To be honest, if it was a recent-ish (two year or less) boyfriend, I wouldn't be rushing to sell a horse I loved just so I could move in with him either. I wouldn't be opening joint savings accounts etc unless i knew it was a permanent commitment. Imagine you moved in and found out you weren't compatible? But if it was someone I could wanted to settle and marry etc, then I'd compromise (sharer, grass livery etc).
He probably feels as if his goals of settling down etc aren't materialising and he is getting older. Work out a plan so you know where you are both going.
But you need to sit down and work out exactly what you aim is and realistically what you can each give to achieve it as a proportion of your salaries. If you've always had horses, and they are a big part of your life, then they have to be factored into the cost too in some way, and he needs to accept they ware always going to be there.
PonyIAmNotFood
Well-Known Member
My ex was like this, didn't want me to have the horses and his mother went so far as to tell me to sell up or dump her son. I did dump him, though not because of her but due to his attitude to me, life and horses.
I'm now with someone who actively encourages the horses because he sees how happy they make me. He saves more than me, but doesn't make an issue out of it. Personally, I wouldn't tolerate it any other way, horses were here before him. I sound like a brat, I would compromise on anything else and bring equal amounts to the relationship in every other way.
I'm now with someone who actively encourages the horses because he sees how happy they make me. He saves more than me, but doesn't make an issue out of it. Personally, I wouldn't tolerate it any other way, horses were here before him. I sound like a brat, I would compromise on anything else and bring equal amounts to the relationship in every other way.
blitznbobs
Well-Known Member
Not acceptable behaviour ... he's not allowed to tell you what to do with your money... shut him up or move him on...
KittenInTheTree
Well-Known Member
I always think that it's far more sensible to spend at least one year living independently without a partner to share the bills and chores before even considering moving in with someone else. Because if you can't manage to live alone successfully, then you risk being dependent on the other person, and that isn't healthy for either of you. So in your situation, I think you both need to sit down and look at how you can go about doing that first. Look at your individual incomes and outgoings - write everything down and see if there are areas where either or both of you could improve. If you can't do this much together without arguing with or upsetting one another, then there's no way that you're ready to live together!
In your case, would switching from DIY to Full definitely mean that you would be consistently earning more at work? Are there plenty of extra hours available or a promotion that you are certain to get? Or are you just a bit fed up with the effort involved in DIY? Are you time poor, or overtired because of the horses? Would chucking one or both out onto grass livery be a better option, or getting a sharer, etc. ? Are you often upset or uncomfortable over how your partner behaves? Do you find living up to his expectations difficult? Is there a wage gap between you? Do you both have the same goals for the future regarding owning/renting a home, having/not having children, and so on? Do you both know the basics of running a home - cleaning, time management, cleaning, budgeting, cleaning, cooking, cleaning, basic repairs/when to call a professional, cleaning, how to cope with difficult neighbours, cleaning? Or would one of you end up doing everything for the other? Did you spot the thing that I kept repeating there? Do you understand why it's the thing that gets repeated?
You're both only twenty-five - yes, that's still quite young. But where will you be in five years in terms of your respective careers? Where would you hope to be living? What would you want to have achieved along the way? Figure that out, and then - assuming that it's realistic - decide how you're going to get to that point. There's a big difference between living with parents at twenty-five whilst starting your career and planning your future, versus still living with parents at thirty having failed to progress any further whatsoever.
In your case, would switching from DIY to Full definitely mean that you would be consistently earning more at work? Are there plenty of extra hours available or a promotion that you are certain to get? Or are you just a bit fed up with the effort involved in DIY? Are you time poor, or overtired because of the horses? Would chucking one or both out onto grass livery be a better option, or getting a sharer, etc. ? Are you often upset or uncomfortable over how your partner behaves? Do you find living up to his expectations difficult? Is there a wage gap between you? Do you both have the same goals for the future regarding owning/renting a home, having/not having children, and so on? Do you both know the basics of running a home - cleaning, time management, cleaning, budgeting, cleaning, cooking, cleaning, basic repairs/when to call a professional, cleaning, how to cope with difficult neighbours, cleaning? Or would one of you end up doing everything for the other? Did you spot the thing that I kept repeating there? Do you understand why it's the thing that gets repeated?
You're both only twenty-five - yes, that's still quite young. But where will you be in five years in terms of your respective careers? Where would you hope to be living? What would you want to have achieved along the way? Figure that out, and then - assuming that it's realistic - decide how you're going to get to that point. There's a big difference between living with parents at twenty-five whilst starting your career and planning your future, versus still living with parents at thirty having failed to progress any further whatsoever.
DabDab
Ah mud, splendid
Hmm, I have been in a similar situation at a similar age, but due to time spent on the horse, rather than money. I did leave him, but mainly because I realised that he was right.....horses, job and dogs took up the entirety of my time when I knew he was sat at home. In my personal life I'm a massive people pleaser and feel guilty at the drop of a hat, so for me not to have noticed and done something about it before he said something.....well it spoke volumes.
Sometimes actions come before conscious thought.
Sometimes actions come before conscious thought.
tristar
Well-Known Member
what do you think if this, i was told that one of my horses is wasted, he should be eventing not going round the arena, he should be eventing because he would enjoy it, i was very upset, i am doing my best to train him, he is not an easy horse, he is now 9 years old and i do have plans for him, he is a bit behind due to several hitches along the way, i don`t really want him to break his neck eventing, this is my partners opinion, i value what he says, he is very astute, BUT....
i find it very hard to find words to explain things sometimes, what i feel with this horse is he will get there when ready and if he does`n,t tough, i have had many offers for the horse but he is my fourth generation, and if he just lives a happy life i`m happy, but he will get there, its very hard to explain things to people who are not horsey sometimes, yet they do see things on a valid view point.
the person is my partner, what do you think,? is a horse ever really wasted, even if it has a decent life???
i find it very hard to find words to explain things sometimes, what i feel with this horse is he will get there when ready and if he does`n,t tough, i have had many offers for the horse but he is my fourth generation, and if he just lives a happy life i`m happy, but he will get there, its very hard to explain things to people who are not horsey sometimes, yet they do see things on a valid view point.
the person is my partner, what do you think,? is a horse ever really wasted, even if it has a decent life???
Supertrooper
Well-Known Member
Is he unhappy about you having a horse though? Or about changing to full livery with higher costs???
Cecile
Well-Known Member
I sort of agree with this if you are being made to feel uncomfortable about having and paying for a horse ^^^
Sounds as if horses have always featured in your life so he already knew that, one less meal out would cover the cost of the extra livery or he could stop buying you all those expensive gifts and bank the money instead
Sit him down and have a quiet conversation, if he starts going mad show him the door as that would send me alarm bells for the future on how he will behave. Maybe he needs a hobby of his own or maybe he doesn't understand how much horses can cost, better educate him now to save problems later.
Cocorules
Well-Known Member
If you want to have horses in your life you need a partner who is supportive of the time and money that takes. If your partner is not, then it is not fair on you or him to stay together. Honestly in your position I would find someone more compatible.
A friend of my husband's tells me everytime I see him about his ex who was horsey and how he hated the time and money she spent. Another friend has a husband who despite buying her horse for her resents every penny she spends on the horse. She constantly has to ask his permission for everything horse related and it is no way to live. She is lovely and frankly could do so much better for herself.
Be very choosy about who you pick as a partner it is all too easy to get caught up in the initial hormone rush and then get used to having them around and get into the whole house buying and having kids together. However, if you are together for life you want to live the life you both want not the life one of you wants. That is the point of dating figuring out if your lifestyles and personalities are compatible. Do not get swept along with this one just because you love each other and both want a home together. You need more than that.
A friend of my husband's tells me everytime I see him about his ex who was horsey and how he hated the time and money she spent. Another friend has a husband who despite buying her horse for her resents every penny she spends on the horse. She constantly has to ask his permission for everything horse related and it is no way to live. She is lovely and frankly could do so much better for herself.
Be very choosy about who you pick as a partner it is all too easy to get caught up in the initial hormone rush and then get used to having them around and get into the whole house buying and having kids together. However, if you are together for life you want to live the life you both want not the life one of you wants. That is the point of dating figuring out if your lifestyles and personalities are compatible. Do not get swept along with this one just because you love each other and both want a home together. You need more than that.
Pearlsasinger
Up in the clouds
This^^^^^
It really doesn't sound as if either of you are in the right relationship, you want different things from life and have different priorities. Having said that, going mad about how much of your own money you spend on something important to you, that was a part of your life before you met OH, rings massive alarm bells to me. I'm not surprised you are upset. Time to take stock, I think.
ETA, tbh if you are both still living at home, I'm not sure partner is the right name for him, sounds more like a boyfriend to me, and he is not behaving like a supportive partner should.
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windand rain
Well-Known Member
To me it wouldnt matter what the hobby wa he could be a golfer or a footballer or any type to make you a grass widow so really it is a question of being accepting of your behaviours
superpony
Well-Known Member
Me and my ex split up last week... it was somewhat influenced by the horses. Not the money side but the time I spent with them which he resented. I knew it was never going to work long term and I picked my horses.
SpringArising
Well-Known Member
Me too. I'd hate to be with someone who had the 'shut up or get out' attitude.
KittenInTheTree
Well-Known Member
Provided that the animal is properly cared for and not abused or neglected, then I don't see why it matters whether or not it ever reaches its hypothetical potential as a ridden horse. The horse knows nothing of its potential. Only the humans care about that.
Pearlsasinger
Up in the clouds
But there are some things that can be compromised on and others that can't. In this instance it sounds as if OP's horses are not open for negotiation. Priorities are different for everyone, I'm sure OP would compromise on things that some others wouldn't.
SpringArising
Well-Known Member
I don't dispute that, but what I do dispute is the way some people handle it.
Ceriann
Well-Known Member
My OH and I have an understanding about my horses but it's been tough getting to this point. He's not horsey and when we got together he just didn't get the amount of time or money involved. They were initially in livery but now at home. It's been hard, we've fallen out a lot (particularly as I seem to have gone from one broken horse to another, as well as suffering lots of injuries on the way) but he gets it now. He never made me choose (though probably came close) and I never told him the horses came first - I've just consistently messaged that they are important, they are my release from everything else and in some small way I feel I'm I'm making a difference (I have a charity pony). He probably still doesn't understand it but respects it and he's now so much more involved in their management etc, which fir him helps. I also made/make time for him and us and remind myself that going away for the day/weekend/holiday doesn't mean my horsey world falls apart. It's about balance but only go through this if he's worth it!
Tiddlypom
Carries on creakily
This.
There's nothing wrong with being a fiercely independent singleton, but if you're in a relationship, then discussion and compromise is part of the territory.
I was horseless for years because of uni then saving to buy a house with OH, we simply couldn't have afforded for me to have a horse initially as well as buy the house.
Reacher
Well-Known Member
Wishing you all the best in the future.
Having horses can put strain on a relationship when the partner isn't horsey.
Libby_x
Member
Sorry only just read replies. He hasn't saved a penny and I wish he did have a hobby as most of the money for him goes on the pub. However... His parents can give him a helping hand more than mine so I may be a couple of years behind without the help he might soon get.
Horse is only 4 and about to come back into work from fracture so not something I can share and she doesn't live out as sensitive skin and hasn't worked in the past when I tried on a couple of occasions.
I think I will just have to bring her back into work and see how I go for now. He's not asked me to sell her but has made it clear he hates horses..
Horse is only 4 and about to come back into work from fracture so not something I can share and she doesn't live out as sensitive skin and hasn't worked in the past when I tried on a couple of occasions.
I think I will just have to bring her back into work and see how I go for now. He's not asked me to sell her but has made it clear he hates horses..
be positive
Well-Known Member
He has a "hobby" he drinks his disposable income rather than saving it, his parents may be able to contribute but that does not mean he has a reason to tell you what to do, I did have some sympathy for his point of view but if he "hates horses" that will be between you forever and will probably mean that if you give up this one to save for your future you will never have the chance to get another because he will always have something better to spend money on, if he really hates them it will be a case of him or a horse, with that attitude plus the fact he has saved nothing I am afraid I would continue with the horse as I suspect the relationship will end before too long.
One of my liveries was with a partner who had no interest in her horse, he would not compromise at all so they parted ways, she now has a lovely partner who is taking an interest, is prepared to go forward knowing that the horse needs to be paid for so their first home may be not as nice as it could be but he also knows the horse makes her happy which makes him happy, he is now getting to be fairly competent around the yard and I think is enjoying learning new skills.