Rock Bottom Confidence - Please help :(

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Equine_Dream

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Hi there

I'm new here but I'm in need of some serious help/advice

Basically my confidence with riding is just at an all time low. I used to have so much confidence and loved riding. Just over a year ago I got a new mare believing her to be a safe ride. Was she heck. She was completely psychotic and prone to bolting. She'd turn for home tare off with me nearly every time I rode her. I tried working with her to get her out of this habit but nothing seemed to work. Eventually the last straw came when she bolted off at a flat out gallop and nearly fell with me on her.

As you can guess my confidence took a massive knock and I was left completely petrified to get on a horse.

But I didn't want to give up something I had loved so much. So I set out to find a new horse that would get my confidence back. I bought myself a new little gelding who was known on the yard to be one of the safest laid back horses you'd ever meet. I've had him a few months now and so far so good.

Yesterday however I went for a ride and he bolted with me. It scared me half to death and now I feel like I've taken 2 steps forward and 5 steps back with my confidence. I'm now worried he's going to do it all the time with me :( although I think his sudden change in behaviour was down to him accidentally being fed chaff with oats in it (oops! )

Mostly I just feel like I'm utterly useless and should never go near a horse again. I really feel like giving up to be honest.

I don't really know what help advice I'm looking for with this post. I guess I just needed a vent and maybe to talk to someone who's been through the same thing?
 
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OK, first off, confidence can be worked on and you can get it back.

I have been where you are and I recovered from it.

Do you have the support of an instructor or trusted friend? I have found confidence is a very personal thing and what works for one person doesn't work for another.
 
Oh gosh, you really need to get some help from an instructor. It is not normal for horses to bolt/tank off, and if there is something in your riding which is causing this then there must be a solution.
 
I 2nd that you need someone who can help you build your confidence up and at your pace. I've sent you a PM as I may have an idea.
Either way the important thing is to break things down into manageable steps. What one person finds easy is a mountain to climb for another.
Take care and be nice to yourself.
 
Were you out riding alone yesterday? And were you hacking rather than in the school?

When you've had your confidence knocked you need to take a few steps back, slow down and try and think a bit more logically. Presuming you were riding alone yesterday, if you look at the situation was that the best idea when you know he'd been fed something different to what he normally gets?

Slow down and go back to the start. Dont hack out solo for a while, instead concentrate on having as many lessons as you can afford in the school. Have lessons on the lunge if that will help so the instructor has control and you can work on your seat/position for a while until you feel more secure.

My friend bought a totally unsuitable horse and lost all of her confidence with him. He spooked, bolted, spun around, reversed at high speed.....you name it, he did it. So she has got a big cob on loan now to get her confidence back, and she spends her time having lessons in the school with our instructor getting some confidence back in walk and trot. If she does hack out, I'll either walk with her so there is someone with her (although he is the safest hack in the world), or we'll go out with other horses. But 99% of the time we are in the school, she mainly has lessons and the rest of the time I'll be there and she'll have a short session (about 15 mins).

You havent done anything wrong and I'm sure in time everything will get better, dont be too hard on yourself. Next time he has a routine change (either accidental or planned) make sure you dont ride him that day as horses can react when something in their routine has changed, those days it is best to lunge, maybe do some work in hand or just leave him to have a day off in the field. Little lessons like this often are learned the hard way, but I'm sure you wont do that again now!

And make sure you have either a friend or instructor on hand to help you, you will get a lot of confidence from having someone with you when you are riding.
 
At my worst, I point blank refused to even get on my pony. The thought of it made me feel physically sick and shake.

What helped me was a friend of mine riding him for me 3 times a week. I'd watch them and see that nothing bad was happening. After a few weeks I started to get jealous and eventually started getting on him for 30 seconds when my friend had finished riding. The initial getting on was just awful and I'd shake like a leaf. Eventually the getting on became walking on the lead rein for a few minutes. Eventually I went on the lunge and my friend really pushed me hard and through my fear barrier. Now this should never be done by anyone other than someone who knows you and your horse well, but it was just what I needed! I came off the lunge and it was like nothing had ever happened.

I had a blip yesterday though. 4 weeks ago I hacked my pony out with a new lady. The weather was terrible, he was strong and silly and then we almost had a head on collsion with an idiot of a tractor driver so I arrived back really nervous. Yesterday was the first time I got back on and I was really nervous, specially when we came across a blooming tractor on the lane. Forced myself to push him though it and we then had a lovely 8 mile hack out. Felt so much better once we got back, but had I had given up at the tractor, I am pretty sure I would have been back at zero confidence again. It really is a very fragile thing this confidence!
 
First of all you are not on your own, there are lots of people here that have had similar experiences and have worked through it and are now back there doing the sport. What has happened was bound to knock you back, it was a very dangerous situation. It could be bad luck you have had two horses bolt on your, however there could be something wrong with your gelding. First of all you need to get the lad checked out and make sure there is no pain involved. You then need to find someone to help you, a good instructor, they are worth there weight in gold in situations like this. In the summer my little gelding started bombing off with me in the school, any excuse and he would be off and gone. I would not call it bolting because it was only a few strides. It came to a head when he did it five times in under half an hour, I stayed up and i kept him going until he walked calmly around the school but I really didn't want to get back up once I was off. I was lucky enough to have a good instructor and I rang her and she came to see him, after a few minutes on the lunge it was clear that something was not right. I had the Chiro vet and my lad had a sore back. Once he was fine we started to work on building back our bond and the trust, I had only just started riding him. It is coming slowly, this weekend I went to dressage with him , on my on and we won our intro class ( :) ) the week before I took him in hand showing, on Sunday I had a lesson and then rode him home on the road. ( the last time i rode on my own on the road he did a full 180 spin because he was in a kevin mood) so slowly and surely we are getting there. With help from my instructor and a friend I am gaining that trust in him. It has made me decide that if I EVER need another horse I am simply to old to put up with anything under 10!! I do not bend and bounce like I used too.
The other thing you could do is join confident riders on FB, if nothing else it is like minded riders having a laugh at their own expense and being supportive.
good luck.
 
This happens to a lot of people, a horse can be totally fine but you may be doing something you are completely unaware of to upset it, putting oats in a feed will not turn a schoolmaster into a bolter.
Don't give up, even if it means being lead around on your horse and going back to absolute basics with a good instructor who can help your confidence and your horses if its been knocked.
Most horses are a bit sharp at this time of year so don't be too hard on yourself x
 
My mare was a bolter the first 5 yrs scared the cr ap. Out of me but I never gave up. I soon realised that she didn't want me off she was just a loon that loved speed. In the end I stopped fighting with her. If she wanted to go then I let her go. She'd eventually slow done to a nice safe gallop. But if I had a flight with her shed be chucking her head around and getting stronger and stronger.

The only thing I'd suggest is to make sure they aren't in pain. I'm sure you've checked all but saddle, physio, vet, teeth etc.
 
Thanks so much for the replies everyone. I really do appreciate it

Firstly I do have a friend who is a qualified instructor, however its not her main occupation so I don't know whether she would have time to give me a lesson on a regular basis.

Secondly Cortez I don't think its something in my riding exactly. My old mare used to bolt with others also so it wasn't anything I was doing as such (although the more scared I got the worst she'd get presumably because she then knew how to scare me). Then I think what happened yesterday was down to the incident with the oats.

Just to clarify I didn't know he'd been fed it until after I came back from riding and spoke to a friend on the yard. We then realised the chaff he was being fed had oats in it.

Unfortunately there aren't many people to hack out with on my yard. Most of the other ponies there are owned by people for their kids. I did have a good friend I used to hack out with but her mare is in foal and due to pop so unfortunately her riding is on the back burner for a while.

I definitely agree with everyone though that I could really benefit from having lessons and someone to ride out with. The only problem is Im a bit stuck on some of those things :/
 
Equine_Dream said:
Hi there

I'm new here but I'm in need of some serious help/advice

Basically my confidence with riding is just at an all time low. I used to have so much confidence and loved riding. Just over a year ago I got a new mare believing her to be a safe ride. Was she heck. She was completely psychotic and prone to bolting. She'd turn for home tare off with me nearly every time I rode her. I tried working with her to get her out of this habit but nothing seemed to work. Eventually the last straw came when she bolted off at a flat out gallop and nearly fell with me on her.

As you can guess my confidence took a massive knock and I was left completely petrified to get on a horse.

But I didn't want to give up something I had loved so much. So I set out to find a new horse that would get my confidence back. I bought myself a new little gelding who was known on the yard to be one of the safest laid back horses you'd ever meet. I've had him a few months now and so far so good.

Yesterday however I went for a ride and he bolted with me. It scared me half to death and now I feel like I've taken 2 steps forward and 5 steps back with my confidence. I'm now worried he's going to do it all the time with me :( although I think his sudden change in behaviour was down to him accidentally being fed chaff with oats in it (oops! )

Mostly I just feel like I'm utterly useless and should never go near a horse again. I really feel like giving up to be honest.

I don't really know what help advice I'm looking for with this post. I guess I just needed a vent and maybe to talk to someone who's been through the same thing?
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You need to ask yourself why he bolted with you if he's not done this before. There may have been a perfectly good reason, for example my horse who I owned for two plus years bolted with me, and I believe someone had taken a crack shot at his bum with a catapault or air rifle as it was so out of charachter for him to do this.

Then you need to ask yourself is anything you can do to prvent this happening again like hacking with someone in the mean time.


There must be some logical explanation to why your horse has done this out of the blue. IMHO you need to find the answer to that so that you can regain your confidence.
 
Kezzabell2 said:
My mare was a bolter the first 5 yrs scared the cr ap. Out of me but I never gave up. I soon realised that she didn't want me off she was just a loon that loved speed. In the end I stopped fighting with her. If she wanted to go then I let her go. She'd eventually slow done to a nice safe gallop. But if I had a flight with her shed be chucking her head around and getting stronger and stronger.
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There's a vast difference between a true bolter - one that blindly runs with no regard for itself and others and one that tanks or runs off with its rider. I'd presume given what you've said that your mare was the latter.

OP you need to decide if you truly believe these horses are bolting or whether they're just tanking off with you, as the approach you'd take to remedy a horse that's tanking off would be very different to the approach you'd take with a true bolter.

In over twenty years of owning and riding many horses I've only ridden one true bolter and it scared the crap out of me and 6 years on I still have the odd wobble because of it. The horse in question spooked and took off at a flat out gallop, absolutely nothing I did slowed it and after clearing two hedges I realised it wasn't going to stop at the 5 bar gate that backed onto the road and with only one stirrup opted to bail fracturing my collarbone in the process. In contrast my old mare used to love a good hoon around the sand tracks and occasionally would get a little over-excited and take a few moments to really pay attention but I knew that she'd never put either of us in any danger and would just keep half-halting and whoa-ing with my voice until she was listening again.

In your shoes I'd have all the usual checks done and then get your instructor to help work through your confidence issues and potential brake issue once you know that your boy isn't in any pain.
 
Echo the others that you need to try and get some lessons in case there is a weakness in part of the way you rise. also agree with festive fuzz that the horse you have now is not bolting its probably just tanking off with you. thinking calmly now about it could yours just have been over fresh like a lot are at the moment and had a whoopsie moment but the experience with your previous horse threw your brain into omg panic mode and you tensed and possibly leant forwards a bit and hung on with your legs? if you had the time to think you would probably have sat up and relaxed your legs and been able to regain control quickly but its possible that your autopilot kicked in and gave the horse the aids to keep going rather than saying oi you stop that and go at the pace I want.
 
crabbymare said:
Echo the others that you need to try and get some lessons in case there is a weakness in part of the way you rise. also agree with festive fuzz that the horse you have now is not bolting its probably just tanking off with you. thinking calmly now about it could yours just have been over fresh like a lot are at the moment and had a whoopsie moment but the experience with your previous horse threw your brain into omg panic mode and you tensed and possibly leant forwards a bit and hung on with your legs? if you had the time to think you would probably have sat up and relaxed your legs and been able to regain control quickly but its possible that your autopilot kicked in and gave the horse the aids to keep going rather than saying oi you stop that and go at the pace I want.
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Nail > head

My gut is telling me my boy just had a little wobble, possible because of his feed or just being a bit fresh. Its just that horrible nagging thought in my head that's making me think "oh here we go again, another one that's going to bolt off with you everytime you ride"

He is far from stupid so would never put himself in danger. It should have been something I calmly dealt with but due to whats happened to me before I just froze and tensed up.

I'm going to look into getting a private instructor and in the meantime as my friend to start giving me lessons with my boy. I will also get his saddle and back checked just to be safe. Most importantly I've invested in a different brand of chaff lol :P
 
Where in South Wales are you? I'm from the Vale and might be able to suggest some good instructors.

ETA: PM me if you prefer.
 
I'll pm you and you can then reply. Look at the top right where it says notifications and when it changes to 1 click on that and then inbox.


ETA: Aaargh - it tells me you have opted not to receive PMs - or more like you're not allowed yet as you're too new, which may mean you're not allowed to send them yet either.

Try clicking on my username and when the little box appears click on private message.
 
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annagain said:
I'll pm you and you can then reply. Look at the top right where it says notifications and when it changes to 1 click on that and then inbox.


ETA: Aaargh - it tells me you have opted not to receive PMs - or more like you're not allowed yet as you're too new, which may mean you're not allowed to send them yet either.

Try clicking on my username and when the little box appears click on private message.
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I think youre right there's no option to PM unfortunately.

Meh no problem I'm from the Rhondda Valley up past Pontypridd :)
 
Equine Dream - I just wanted to echo what others have said, having been through this almost exact same scenario when the pony I used to ride tanked off everytime I rode it knocked my confidence to the extent that even several horses and ponies later a simple hack could scare me silly if someone even suggested going faster than a steady trot. That and a couple of ponies that napped beyond belief and made me think they were going to take off!

Baby steps for me was the way forward, and I think I can honestly say that what really helped was the support of a friend with a steady (but massive) cob and her experience of going through the same thing and the people on this board. We might all be for the most part remote from each other, but sharing experiences, tips and support has been so helpful in my 'recovery' that I seriously recommend doing what you have already and posting on here.
 
I don't know that area too well (I'm in Dinas Powys) but I know quite a few instructors from the Llantrisant sort of area for whom Ponty wouldn't be too far to travel. Are you on Facebook? If so try joining and posting in Horses for Sale or swap in Cardiff. There's a lot of rubbish on there, but you get the odd useful reply!

Lorry Brookfields (Brookfields Equine, do search on Facebook) travels quite a bit of the area and is supposed to be very good with nervous people (I've never had a lesson with her but have heard very good things)
 
Equine_Dream said:
Yesterday however I went for a ride and he bolted with me. It scared me half to death and now I feel like I've taken 2 steps forward and 5 steps back with my confidence. I'm now worried he's going to do it all the time with me :(
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Having been in a similar situation where I had severe confidence issues I can tell you that it will take time to feel better. You will take steps backwards as well as forwards beacuse not everyday will be a good day for you or your horse. My instructor told me to try and think of all the positives, the good rides and forget about the bad. You also may need to try a few instructors before you find one that truly understands and you start to see an improvement.
 
Your horse should not bolt under any circumstances. Get rid of it. Get yourself a nice laid back bombroof/spookproof horse which is 100% reliable at all times and in all situations.
 
OWLIE185 said:
Your horse should not bolt under any circumstances. Get rid of it. Get yourself a nice laid back bombroof/spookproof horse which is 100% reliable at all times and in all situations.
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Sadly such a horse does not exist.

It sounds likes he tanked off with you, and your tensing up was interpreted as a signal to go faster, and your past experiences made it feel horrendous. As others have said, get an instructor, and if need be, on the nervous days, just get on and straight back off gain, or get on and walk half a dozen steps and get off again - there's no rule that says you need to get on and do an hour, and with building confidence, getting off feeling you could have done a bit more is a much faster route to success than getting off feeling you've pushed yourself just a little bit further than you were comfortable with.

Perhaps also think about getting a sharer - the more you see him behaving himself with someone else, the more comfortable you'll feel getting on board - discovering you haven't been on him for a week can make the fears much worse; knowing someone else has ridden in the meantime can make all the difference!

ETA: and if you need to do your half a dozen steps in walk on a lead rein, there is nothing wrong with that - I've been there!
 
I would be surprised if a few oats caused such a sudden change in behaviour. However I agree with everyone who has suggested that you get lessons with a good instructor who has successfully helped people with confidence issues before.
 
I haven't read all of the replies, but couldn't read and run as your post resonated with me, as it has with so many others on here.

To regain my confidence I chose an instructor who specialises in Rider Bio-mechanics. The increase in knowledge about how I use my body when riding has been astounding - and my seat has become so secure. As a result of this, I feel so much safer in the saddle - a big thing for little old me.

Get an instructor, take it slow and have a friend or family member on hard for when you practise in between lessons. I'm still shaking like a leaf when I mount, but now I'm at the stage of having good tools on hand to calm myself down, plug into the saddle and feel like I'm in control. I even managed a few rounds of the school without anyone walking beside me last week - I was elated, all though I'm sure fellow liveries must've thought I was mad! Just a few months ago I nearly gave up everything as I thought I would never get on a horse again (the tears of frustration this caused!) , so please persevere.

i was also incredibly nervous about getting on - so I spent a month just working on my boy standing still at the mounting block to be mounted. He always has, so he was very obliging - but what it was doing was re-training me on preventing the cobbywobbles about getting on. First few sessions it was just putting my foot in the stirrup a number of times, then leaning over the saddle then one day, all of a sudden, you're up there! You might be shaking, but you're up there! Then you get straight back off again and repeat a few times. It really worked for me to train my own anxiety out of me. Suddenly mounting itself is less of an issue for me (it's still a work in progress mind and I still daren't do it on my own - mainly through fear of suddenly becoming scared of something silly and dashing this new found confidence. But now I can concentrate on the moving off and staying in control part! chuckle.
 
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Hi sorry for dragging this back up again but I just wanted to say that I had a riding lesson on my boy yesterday and it went brilliantly! I felt so good afterwards. I know I'm still a long way off but it felt really good to enjoy my ride and feel like I was making a step in the right direction.
 
Equine_Dream said:
Hi sorry for dragging this back up again but I just wanted to say that I had a riding lesson on my boy yesterday and it went brilliantly! I felt so good afterwards. I know I'm still a long way off but it felt really good to enjoy my ride and feel like I was making a step in the right direction.
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That's great news!!!! Well done.
 
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