Roll up! Roll up!! Get the answer you're looking for RIGHT here. NO problem too big..

[horsey mad matt]

As PF is currently here may I give some suggestions???
That horse is just pure fat, it needs to lose a tonne more weight to do well. Galloping it around on the roads should do the job
The main area you are going wrong is the lack of bling and dead sheep. I would start with investing with a blingy deadsheep leather headcoller pronto.
On the plus she is black so naturally must be a dressage horse...

i know she is very fat but i just can't get it off, if you read my previous question post she is mentioned there for being over weight and what i am doing to loose some weight. as for the sheepskin. i have every type you could posibly get

 

[Starbucks]

PF please help me clear something up because I'm really confused!

Everyone keeps telling me that my horses are obese and that I need to get them slimmed off, but they are already cut down to a bare minimum (they only have 2 buckets of feed a day and 5 nets - they are quite big horses (compared to me!) and would be cruel to make them go hungry?). Anyway, a girl at the yard, who must be very clever because she already has an equine degree, has been reading a book and told my mum that apparently "exercise" is as important as feeding in reducing weight??? I don't really understand, Do you think it's true? if so, any idea if Fitness First or Banatines have an equine section anywhere in the Midlands? Or is this Parelli people speak of like Palates for horses? Sounds similar.

Any advise gratefully received as have no idea how to go about "exercising" a horse! This horse business is complicated! I thought they were just there for petting and feeding polo's to.

 

[camilla4]

You mean you didn't immediately book a full course of lessons with Carl Hester? *sigh* Well there you go!! If you'd had lessons with Carl you'd be at LEAST as good as he is by now. Well, all that's left for you to do is to get a big chestnut like Alf and to get lessons with Laura B. All matchy matchy accessories MUST be taupe.

Oh, no -I didn't (blushes...). Didn't think of doing that - I'll give Carl a call right now and book half a dozen lessons straight away. Hope he can fit me in soon as I really think I might have a shot at the 2012 team - Carl will no doubt be delighted to meet a fellow contender!

So - chestnut this time? That sounds nice - lots of matchy matchy to choose from there but I will, of course, take your advice and start with the taupe. Is Alf for sale, do you know? I've been saving.......

 

[PapaFrita]

I am surprised at you PF surely round the neck would be better?

Yes, but only if you really reaaaally tighten it.

 

[PapaFrita]

Dear PF,

I have bought a new WOW saddle with my name in diamante at the back. My stirrups are so long my toes only just reach them. I ride in draw reins only and don't wear a riding hat. I say things like 'he's moving off his hocks a bit'. But I am still not winning any competitions. What is wrong with my horse?

Well, so far so good! I'm so relieved you don't wear a hat! Dressage riders never EVER fall off and sustain brain damage turning them into drooling vegetables. That Courtney King-Dye is just a rubbish rider and she only fractured her skull, after all.
Of course draw reins are the only way to ge a horse working properly from behind (she what I did there ) but if your horses isn't black and at least 18hh then you don't stand a chance. It's scientifically proven that dressage judges always mark down any horse that doesn't fit this description.

 

[Paddy Irish]

Dear PF

would it be possible to get yourself a publisher and turn this thread into a handy sized book so that I could refer to certain points again,

As i only have a tiny brain , i can't seem to keep up with all your advice.

I know it would mean selling loads of copies and therefore only making a few million but it would save on having to stock up on DVD's 1-10 , bananasticks and lunge-lines for lefties..

I have already screwed a cup hook into my saddle so that i can hang it there and refer to it at any given time PLLLEEEEAAASSSEEEE..

thanks fat-ederry

 

[camilla4]

Dear PF

would it be possible to get yourself a publisher and turn this thread into a handy sized book so that I could refer to certain points again,

As i only have a tiny brain , i can't seem to keep up with all your advice.

I know it would mean selling loads of copies and therefore only making a few million but it would save on having to stock up on DVD's 1-10 , bananasticks and lunge-lines for lefties..

I have already screwed a cup hook into my saddle so that i can hang it there and refer to it at any given time PLLLEEEEAAASSSEEEE..

thanks fat-ederry

Better still -make it an MP3 download so that we can listen to it whilst out hacking - block out the noise of all that nasty traffic!

 

[FairyLights]

yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

 

[eahotson]

Dear PapaFrita My friends say Iam cruel because I never turn my horse out.I just think he looks cute with his little head looking over his door and besides he might get dirty (shudders) in a field.I di leadhim out to graze for 10 minutes each week but only with a rug, neck piece,face mask, tendon boots and over reach boots on.What do you think?

 

[Sparkles]

Dear PapaFrita My friends say Iam cruel because I never turn my horse out.I just think he looks cute with his little head looking over his door and besides he might get dirty (shudders) in a field.I di leadhim out to graze for 10 minutes each week but only with a rug, neck piece,face mask, tendon boots and over reach boots on.What do you think?

I'm appalled. You've missed the vital....

Horse boots [Macs, Boas, or similar] to stop his shoes getting dirty!!! Do you know how much Jimmy Choos cost these days!

 

[PapaFrita]

I had a portable tv cradle fitted to the earpiece of my pony's bridle - now I can keep up with daytime tv whilst hacking round the roads! But the drivers keep screeching up behind me - what more can I do to make them be more careful? I already ride down the middle of the road so they can't miss me, and I don't wear any of that gaudy distracting yellow stuff so there's no excuse they mistook me for a christmas tree either what else can I do??

Sit your horse on their bonnet. That'll make 'em take notice! Fancy them interrupting Jeremy Kyle! Honestly, how rude!

 

[PapaFrita]

PF, are you still there?? I have an important question for you.
I am looking for a new horse but there seems be no suitable horses for sale. I thought with the market like it was it would be easy to find one!
I only have a few simple requirements too....
It must be a flashy horse, so nothing hairy or cobby, but I hate TBs or anything related to a TB. It must be quiet enough for young children who have never ridden to ride, but I fancy doing quite a bit of competing so I am looking for something well schooled to GP level dressage and pops a 1.30m showjumps, and not a plod, but good in traffic.
Must be good to travel, shoe, clip, catch obvs.
It will live out so must be hardy but as I have said I don't want a native or hairy horse. I must be a weight carrier but not a heavy build. I don't want to feed it either so it must be a good doer.
I mustn't have a white hair on it as I don't like cleaning horses.
I think these reasonable demands shoulkd be within my £200 budget
Stupid people selling horses want SO much money! Any ideas??

(p.s I have seen an actual wanted advert very similar to this)

Ah, yes, I've seen one that said SJer wanted, must never stop or knock down fences, jump 4ft courses. Will pay upto £1500 *rolls eyes*
Right, well, I don't think you're unreasonable in what you're looking for but you may have to ring up the seller of a horse you fancy and haggle them down. Everyone can be haggled down if you offer them a home for life. OR you can ask them if they will loan their horse; this is the same as you getting it for free. No seller can resist a 5* home so you must mention this all the time and be very very persistent

 

[PapaFrita]

I have just the one for you (I presume you made a typo and your budget is actually £20,000)

He has already featured in this thread, he was going to be sold to Laura B but she wasted my time and didn't turn up!

As you can see, he's a great allrounder. He could even play for England, imagine how much he would be worth then!

I am sure PF would recommend him, she always spoke highly of him!

What a superstar; the spitting image of Totilas. Why have you dropped your price from £200,000???

 

[a_e_d]

Dear PF,

HELP - I think my horse is deaf - what should I do?

I decided to deepen my bond with him with a spot of whispering but he isn't answering back. He is originally from Ireland, so I have tried English and Gaelic whispering but still no Mr Ed moment. I have been trying for weeks and fully expected full blown conversations about The Only Way is Essex by now.

Would a hearing aid help? Can you get matchy matchy ones?

Also, I know he is a boy, but I would like to get him vejazzled - do you have a DVD explaining the process?

Yours in desparation.

 

[Lady La La]

Dear PF,

HELP - I think my horse is deaf - what should I do?

I decided to deepen my bond with him with a spot of whispering but he isn't answering back. He is originally from Ireland, so I have tried English and Gaelic whispering but still no Mr Ed moment. I have been trying for weeks and fully expected full blown conversations about The Only Way is Essex by now.

Would a hearing aid help? Can you get matchy matchy ones?

Also, I know he is a boy, but I would like to get him vejazzled - do you have a DVD explaining the process?

Yours in desparation.

never.laughed.so.hard.

 

[Flicker]

Well, so far so good! I'm so relieved you don't wear a hat! Dressage riders never EVER fall off and sustain brain damage turning them into drooling vegetables. That Courtney King-Dye is just a rubbish rider and she only fractured her skull, after all.
Of course draw reins are the only way to ge a horse working properly from behind (she what I did there ) but if your horses isn't black and at least 18hh then you don't stand a chance. It's scientifically proven that dressage judges always mark down any horse that doesn't fit this description.

PF, you are the business! I KNEW there was a simple solution to my problems. To that end, can you please recommend me a good black dye? My horse is a kind of brown colour so I shouldn't need too much.
And some bleach to make his legs white? Having done my research now, I see that lots of winning dressage horses have white legs.

 

[camilla4]

PF, you are the business! I KNEW there was a simple solution to my problems. To that end, can you please recommend me a good black dye? My horse is a kind of brown colour so I shouldn't need too much.
And some bleach to make his legs white? Having done my research now, I see that lots of winning dressage horses have white legs.

Okay Flicker - you need to read her advice very carefully - when I posted with a similar problem, PF very wisely pointed out that the reason I wasn't winning was because my horse wasn't black. I subsequently went out and bought a shiny new black horsey which had done Grand Prix. However, I never won anything on him and I think it was because PF forgot to tell me that he needed to be really, really big. So as well as the black dye, look at the replies discussing platform shoes and stilts, just to be on the safe side

 

[Hovis_and_SidsMum]

Well, so far so good! I'm so relieved you don't wear a hat! Dressage riders never EVER fall off and sustain brain damage turning them into drooling vegetables. That Courtney King-Dye is just a rubbish rider and she only fractured her skull, after all.
Of course draw reins are the only way to ge a horse working properly from behind (she what I did there ) but if your horses isn't black and at least 18hh then you don't stand a chance. It's scientifically proven that dressage judges always mark down any horse that doesn't fit this description.

Dear PF
My horse is big and very black (when he's muddy). I only ever ride him in draw reins but they do have to be made of chain metal so he doesn't break them. Will his feathers and generous well muscled build cause me to be marked down by dressage judges?
When I rang him to offer my horse for the olympics Carl Hester did say he doesn't think heavy horses are natural dressage stars? I am assuming he knows nothing and I should find another olympic star? I was thinking of Jordon - what do you advise?

 

[Flicker]

Okay Flicker - you need to read her advice very carefully - when I posted with a similar problem, PF very wisely pointed out that the reason I wasn't winning was because my horse wasn't black. I subsequently went out and bought a shiny new black horsey which had done Grand Prix. However, I never won anything on him and I think it was because PF forgot to tell me that he needed to be really, really big. So as well as the black dye, look at the replies discussing platform shoes and stilts, just to be on the safe side

camilla4, what would I do without you and your attention to detail??? You have saved me from potential embarrassment (fancy turning up at dressage on a SMALL black horse...).
Naturally, I will now follow in great detail PF's advice to you about making horses taller. I just hope we don't compete at the same competition - how on earth will the judges decide which of us to place first???

Hovis and Sid's Mum - will your big, black horse's feathers not be obscured by your white exercise bandages?
In addition to Jordan, you could always ask that girl what is a footballer's wife and what does dressage too - I'm sure she will have some excellent advice for you. Her name eludes me just at the moment.

 

[camilla4]

camilla4, what would I do without you and your attention to detail??? You have saved me from potential embarrassment (fancy turning up at dressage on a SMALL black horse...).
Naturally, I will now follow in great detail PF's advice to you about making horses taller. I just hope we don't compete at the same competition - how on earth will the judges decide which of us to place first???

.

I rather suspect that it will come down to amount of bling we each have. I imagine this is also why horses have to be so much bigger to win - how else would they be able to manage to carry all that diamante?!!

 

[Hovis_and_SidsMum]

Hovis and Sid's Mum - will your big, black horse's feathers not be obscured by your white exercise bandages?
QUOTE]

Oh are they supposed to be white? I have got him pink ones to match his new diamonte headband and pink numnah with "Destroyers do Dressage" across it in glittery silver letters?
Have you thought that your boring lack of taste is causing you the issues with not winning.
I was thinking the more diamonte he's wearing the more we might win? Mainly due to blinding the judge with all the shimmer under the lights?

 

[Thistle]

Dear PF
My horse is big and very black (when he's muddy). I only ever ride him in draw reins but they do have to be made of chain metal so he doesn't break them. Will his feathers and generous well muscled build cause me to be marked down by dressage judges?
When I rang him to offer my horse for the olympics Carl Hester did say he doesn't think heavy horses are natural dressage stars? I am assuming he knows nothing and I should find another olympic star? I was thinking of Jordon - what do you advise?

If he's got feathers then he's a BIRD not a horse - doh!

 

[PapaFrita]

PF please help me clear something up because I'm really confused!

Everyone keeps telling me that my horses are obese and that I need to get them slimmed off, but they are already cut down to a bare minimum (they only have 2 buckets of feed a day and 5 nets - they are quite big horses (compared to me!) and would be cruel to make them go hungry?). Anyway, a girl at the yard, who must be very clever because she already has an equine degree, has been reading a book and told my mum that apparently "exercise" is as important as feeding in reducing weight??? I don't really understand, Do you think it's true? if so, any idea if Fitness First or Banatines have an equine section anywhere in the Midlands? Or is this Parelli people speak of like Palates for horses? Sounds similar.

Any advise gratefully received as have no idea how to go about "exercising" a horse! This horse business is complicated! I thought they were just there for petting and feeding polo's to.

Ah well, exercise is that thing people do between hauling their fat butts off the sofa in front of the TV and getting their next fat-packed snack from the kitchen. Some people even do something called jogging others do something called sports, although I'm not sure quite what that entails. There are sports for horses as well!! Who knew? You'll have to google to find out what they are as I just chase horses round with a banana stick... although I think that sort of qualifies as 'exercise' as well...

 

[PapaFrita]

Dear PF

would it be possible to get yourself a publisher and turn this thread into a handy sized book so that I could refer to certain points again,

As i only have a tiny brain , i can't seem to keep up with all your advice.

I know it would mean selling loads of copies and therefore only making a few million but it would save on having to stock up on DVD's 1-10 , bananasticks and lunge-lines for lefties..

I have already screwed a cup hook into my saddle so that i can hang it there and refer to it at any given time PLLLEEEEAAASSSEEEE..

thanks fat-ederry

I'm getting published very shortly and will pass on details as soon as my book comes out. It will be very reasonably priced at £4500. You will still be required to procure the bananastick and Huggly Horsemanship patented left-handed lunge line in order to complete the exercises correctly!
I'm also hoping H&H will give me my own advice column...

 

[PapaFrita]

Better still -make it an MP3 download so that we can listen to it whilst out hacking - block out the noise of all that nasty traffic!

Yep, I like it. Doing it

 

[Damnation]

PF - I have never laughed at a thread so hard in my life.
And could I have some advice.
I have bought a 3 year old colt. I don't want to have him gelded because I bought him for a whole £215 therefore he must be of breeding quality, and its cruel to have their balls chopped off.
However he keeps trying to h*mp me.. HELP!

 

[PapaFrita]

Dear PapaFrita My friends say Iam cruel because I never turn my horse out.I just think he looks cute with his little head looking over his door and besides he might get dirty (shudders) in a field.I di leadhim out to graze for 10 minutes each week but only with a rug, neck piece,face mask, tendon boots and over reach boots on.What do you think?

As Binky has said; he is rather underprotected! I have my own industrial-strength Huggly Horsemanship protective wrap which I call 'Huggle Wrap'. You put it all around your horse like a great big bandage. It will keep your horse uninjured and, more importantly CLEAN.

 

[I_am_a_cucumber]

I am very interested in the Huggle Wrap, but I need some more information before I order one.

I assume it comes in pink?

Is it made out of bubble wrap or cotton wool? Or do you do both, one for summer and one for winter? What about a luxury model made out of cotton wool and bubble wrap?

Can you supply Huggle Wraps suitable for humans and/or dogs?

 

[PapaFrita]

Dear PF,

HELP - I think my horse is deaf - what should I do?

I decided to deepen my bond with him with a spot of whispering but he isn't answering back. He is originally from Ireland, so I have tried English and Gaelic whispering but still no Mr Ed moment. I have been trying for weeks and fully expected full blown conversations about The Only Way is Essex by now.

Would a hearing aid help? Can you get matchy matchy ones?

Also, I know he is a boy, but I would like to get him vejazzled - do you have a DVD explaining the process?

Yours in desparation.

Have you tried an Irish, sorry Iron accent?? If ya don't spake iron, he won unnerstand, ya know. There's a certain vernacular one must use when addressing the Iron harse. You may refer to Iron Vocabulary here; http://www.inyourpocket.com/norther...ake-Norn-Iron-A-guide-to-local-phrases_70619f

As for vajazzling.... perhaps you mean dickazzling? A man has to have his dignity.

 

[a_e_d]

Have you tried an Irish, sorry Iron accent?? If ya don't spake iron, he won unnerstand, ya know. There's a certain vernacular one must use when addressing the Iron harse. You may refer to Iron Vocabulary here; http://www.inyourpocket.com/norther...ake-Norn-Iron-A-guide-to-local-phrases_70619f

As for vajazzling.... perhaps you mean dickazzling? A man has to have his dignity.

OMLG PF it worked!! I tried "Bout Ye Big Lad lets go for a dander" He actually replied!! Granted he told me to stop faffing around called me an eejit. But at least I got a reply - that's progress surely?!

Re the vajazzle, please please excuse my ignorance over terminology - yes I meant dickazzle - can you help?