Vet Bills / Cost of Living - decision!

[Barton Bounty]

Credit cards are the devil.. pay them off and cut them up, its far too easy! You absolutely dont need judged by anyone!

Horses arent cheap and sometimes you have to make sacrifices! My husband doesnt pay for my horse at all but if i needed anything, like going to the vet school , in a heartbeat he would drop everything. Its not his thing, its mine and if I happened to need money he would give me it. We have a joint and some of our own. One time for a colic years ago he went and paid the bill and I never even knew till I called up as I wondered why I hadn’t received it ?
You are entitled to have money of your own too. Its just a rough wee patch

 

[Deltofe2493]

Honesty is the best policy ! And if she is sound, loan her for just a little bit! I had to do that, ok i regretted it cause I chose the wrong person but I just couldnt look after my dad work and small kids and do everything So I loaned him for 8 months, felt super guilty but soon got over it

how did you feel when you eventually got your horsey back?

 

[TPO]

I agree you need to be honest with your partner. I also think that you probably have to discuss the situation with his Father. This man did not speak to you for 2 days because your horse needed treatment for ulcers. Really not his business, and it is treating you as a naughty teenager.

Finally think very carefully before buying real estate with someone else. It can be very messy if things go wrong. You will be jointly liable for the mortgage, and in case your relationship ends it can cause a lot of difficulties. You need to consult a lawyer and have a contract drawn up between the two of you to cover all eventualities, even if they do not seem to be likely to occur.

Wishing you good luck,

This

I know you shouldn't judge someone by their parents and his parents are letting you live with them but...

OH shouldn't be telling his parents your personal and financial business. Nor should his dad be treating you in that way.

You're and adult and it's your money to spend as you wish. Yes you are saving for a deposit but you also have responsibilities (horse) and are allowed to live your life not stay at home squirelling every penny if you don't want to.

Does OH have an equal deposit? How will the mortgage and bill payments be split? Don't answer me but just things to answer yourself to protect yourself. Make sure you speak to a lawyer if for example one puts more towards the deposit or I'd paying more of the mortgage so that you are covered if you need to sell for any reason.

Not a financial adviser but having well managed debt helps your credit score as long as it truly is well managed and not excessive/easily affordable. Personally since you have the cash there I'd clear everything now but I don't like things hanging over me.

I get keeping wee secrets and telling wee white lies about the cost of horses and all their upkeep but the fact you felt you had to lie from the off that the horse was fully covered, even although you had th4 cash to cover her, rings alarm bells.

Faaaar from the right person to be handing out relationship advice but I'd have a long hard think about if I wanted a big financial commitment with a person who didn't support my SELF FUNDED hobby and pet and tried to tell me how I should be living, or not living, and spending my money.

On another note a sharer might work better for you. It would give you time off (extra out shifts?) and some money coming in. Plus you can still manage and control all aspects of your horses care which for me would be Paramount after an inury and rehab

Good luck

 

[EllenJay]

Sorry - but how can you think of going into a long term relationship without being honest.

 

[Deltofe2493]

Thank you everyone. Lots of good advice.

if I was on my own with just rent and horse to pay for then I would just focus on clearing debt. But there’s obviously a target I really wanted to meet, not just for oh & parents but to prove to myself I could actually do it.

i will defo try and pick up another shift in the pub, id get about £30 for 4 hours but if that’s every week that’s an extra £120. I’ve put a load of stuff on fb so will give eBay a try. Just annoying that they charge you!

Am just so so nervous to tell him because he’s going to be so upset that I lied about it. He is generally quite helpful and he has £15k worth of savings (he is well paid working Thursday, Friday & Saturday night til 3am on top of his full time job) so I do appreciate why he would be annoyed.

saying that he is supportive he did her for me when I went away with work so I wasn’t paying someone else. He’ll occasionally buy her bedding and pre-injury would come up and watch me / drive the box to shows & also picked her up from the vets for me because I’m a terrible driver.

So maybe I’m assuming the worst?! He might be annoyed to start with but he might be ok?!

my cash is in a LISA which can be withdrawn in January, without losing 25% and also the government bonus and only to be used towards first home. Otherwise I would of course just use this to clear it.

also credit card is cut up in my drawer at work so I absolutely cannot use it!

 

[Barton Bounty]

how did you feel when you eventually got your horsey back?

Elated!!! Delighted and it was well worth the sacrifice

 

[SaddlePsych'D]

Better to have the conversation now than in December. The problem is if you keep avoiding a (potentially, he might be more understanding than you think) difficult conversation, it's unlikely to just go away and it's not going to feel any easier to have the conversation.

It sounds like he is working very hard too, he might feel a bit relieved if you're able to agree to rethink your deadline/goal and it take the pressure off both of you.

 

[honetpot]

but in the eyes of his parents I'm out 'enjoying my life' (I pay rent and contribute to food shop)

I can understand their point of view. You are not their child, but it sounds as if you are not paying a commercial rent, which no matter how big the house is that is their contribution to you saving towards a house, which probably not fun for them. As soon as you went to live with them, you involved them in your financial situation, they are doing this to help you, as a couple.
My daughter's marriage has recently ended, and he was hiding debts, which she only found out about after he left. I feel really raw about this, because she was crying on the phone yesterday, because she had been working very hard, he had a well paid job and hadn't realised how much emotionally and financially he had drained out of her. 'Mum, it seemed normal', and literally is much better off with out him. They are trying to protect their son, just like I would have wanted to protect my daughter, if we had known.
I have had a horse most of my married life, mostly run on a shoestring, and it has to come second to everything else. If you are working towards something as a couple, you have to fully commit to it, and that sometimes means you have to say no, to your self. You have to work this out as a couple, because if you think this is tough, it will get tougher. If he is good with savings he may think paying off the debt is better than paying the interest on it, which is what my husband would say.
I do not owe much on credit cards, but I do shuffle them around, I do not need to but I like being able to borrow money for the what if's in life, so I would look for a lower interest rate if you can, and overpay.

 

[EllenJay]

Thank you everyone. Lots of good advice.

if I was on my own with just rent and horse to pay for then I would just focus on clearing debt. But there’s obviously a target I really wanted to meet, not just for oh & parents but to prove to myself I could actually do it.

i will defo try and pick up another shift in the pub, id get about £30 for 4 hours but if that’s every week that’s an extra £120. I’ve put a load of stuff on fb so will give eBay a try. Just annoying that they charge you!

Am just so so nervous to tell him because he’s going to be so upset that I lied about it. He is generally quite helpful and he has £15k worth of savings (he is well paid working Thursday, Friday & Saturday night til 3am on top of his full time job) so I do appreciate why he would be annoyed.

saying that he is supportive he did her for me when I went away with work so I wasn’t paying someone else. He’ll occasionally buy her bedding and pre-injury would come up and watch me / drive the box to shows & also picked her up from the vets for me because I’m a terrible driver.

So maybe I’m assuming the worst?! He might be annoyed to start with but he might be ok?!

my cash is in a LISA which can be withdrawn in January, without losing 25% and also the government bonus and only to be used towards first home. Otherwise I would of course just use this to clear it.

also credit card is cut up in my drawer at work so I absolutely cannot use it!

You need to speak to him. You have lied - he needs to know the truth. Sorry , Poor guy

 

[Jango]

I disagree with previous posters, if you are paying anything under market rate to live with his parents, then they do have a say in how your money is spent. If you were renting a normal house with your boyfriend/you were living separately then they don't!

At the moment, two adults unrelated to you are subsidising you and your expensive hobby, while you lie to both them and your boyfriend. You can't afford to save what you've agreed AND pay for your horse, you need to be honest with your boyfriend and parents and let them decide if they still want to subsidise you! If you want to enjoy your money and save slowly (a reasonable choice!) You shouldn't be expecting someone else to fund it. It's fine to prioritise having a nice life/your horse over saving for a house, but not at other people's expense. It sounds like you and your boyfriend are mismatched in what you want from life and it's only going to get worse if you lie about it. You need to communicate and be honest and see if you can compromise. Or split up and both of you can meet someone who is better aligned on how you spend your money.

 

[Lois Lame]

My card is interest free until December...

What does this actually mean, though? That you don't have to pay any interest until December, but then you do have to pay it, and it was always clocking up anyway?

 

[Peglo]

Tell your partner. Even if he’s pissed for a bit you will feel so much better having told him. Just be honest and say your sorry for not having told him but you hoped you would get it sorted before December.

when your horse isn’t well it can become a bit overwhelming. I can understand with everything going on how it felt easier to bury your head in the sand. (May have done it myself ?)I obviously don’t know your OH but I think he will be understanding if you explain everything.

 

[Tiddlypom]

You're and adult and it's your money to spend as you wish. Yes you are saving for a deposit but you also have responsibilities (horse) and are allowed to live your life not stay at home squirelling every penny if you don't want to.

OP can indeed spend her money as she wishes, but she is currently in a relationship with someone and honesty re finances and any debts when applying for a joint mortgage is vital. If OP wants to spend and her partner wants to save, then there is a huge red flag as to how compatible they are.

If her partner was splurging all his spare money (and more) on an expensive hobby of his while she was saving as agreed, then posters would rightly be calling him irresponsible.

Horses are expensive, and many of us (me included) got out of horse ownership in the early years of adulthood while getting a foot on the housing ladder. What if the horse injured itself again/gets sick? They are expensive creatures to run.

 

[Cocorules]

If your horse is your priority, your OH needs to understand what that means.

It is a lifestyle, where you do have to constantly pay out and it isn't exactly the same amount all the time, but you can't just stop without selling your horse.

If you can't be honest about that and/or he can't get on board with the financial implications, then your choice is leave him and keep the horse or sell the horse and stay with him.

 

[Rowreach]

Oh good old HHO.

It's absolutely fine to cheat on your sick husband, with whom you have a child, for multiple years because "you deserve to be happy", but not admitting to a vet bill when you're saving to buy a house with your bf means that you are a selfish liar and a spendthrift who should be rethinking all their life decisions before ruining his life.

I remember now why asking for advice on a forum is a bad idea.

 

[Surbie]

I'd be telling him as soon as possible.

And in all honesty I think you might need to see if you can work out a compromise for all the future years you want to spend together. You have differing attitudes to saving/financial commitments and this is the first big challenge to how you both deal with it.

It can work - several of my friends have found ways to manage one person being more of a spender and the other a saver. If you can't work it out, it might be better to go your separate ways.

I couldn't make it work - my own credit score has been damaged by being linked to my ex, who doesn't manage his finances well.

 

[Cowpony]

Looking at it from the parents' perspective, I think the younger generation in these situations don't realise what a sacrifice it is to allow a child and their partner to come back to live in what was the family home. You spend years of your life raising your children and not doing what you want to do, because you don't have the time or the money, so when they become adults and move out, there's a bit of relief (amongst the sadness) that you can do what you want, when you want to. Clear up that pigsty of a teenager's room and turn it back into a guest bedroom so your friends can visit. Maybe start to save for early retirement. Downsize the house to release cash for a hobby or long held dream. Actually just do what you want to do in your own home without others around to be mindful of.

Then the child wants to save for a house and suddenly you've got two people living with you, one of whom is a relative stranger who doesn't share your view on life. I do understand how hard it is for young people to get on the housing ladder, and I'm sure I'd do it for my children, but I can totally understand that the parents would want to put a time limit on it, so they know when they can start to work on their own plans again. And make no mistake, they are subsidising you. You don't mention heat and light bills, and it will definitely be costing more with 4 in the house, and there may be other things they are paying. So when they see you not skimping and having an expensive hobby they are seeing no end to you living there and their plans being pushed further and further into the future.

I think you and the father need to start behaving like adults. Not talking to somebody for 2 days is behaviour that shouldn't even belong in the playground, but should definitely stay there. You need to sit down with a spreadsheet and work out your finances. How much do you take home from your jobs. What does your horse cost. How much do you spend on travel to work and the yard. How much do you spend not skimping. If you sit down and talk to them you may find it is this last one that is grating on them the most. They may well accept that the horse is expensive, but they see you also spending money on that Starbucks latte every day or driving to work when you could get the bus for example, so they don't think you are serious about saving.

Bear in mind that parents are always protective of other people taking advantage of their child, and if they see that their son already has his share of the deposit they may think you are expecting him to subsidise you. That's not the case from your posts, but do they know that? Have you sat down and told them everything you have told us? If you set out all your income and expenses, see where you can save and come up with a plan, whether that's cutting out enjoying yourself on a Saturday night, getting a sharer or working another shift, they will realise you are serious and it will help to diffuse the situation, even if they still react badly.

Good luck!

 

[Bellaboo18]

Oh good old HHO.

It's absolutely fine to cheat on your sick husband, with whom you have a child, for multiple years because "you deserve to be happy", but not admitting to a vet bill when you're saving to buy a house with your bf means that you are a selfish liar and a spendthrift who should be rethinking all their life decisions before ruining his life.

I remember now why asking for advice on a forum is a bad idea.

I don't think anyone said (on the other thread) that cheating on your husband was fine.
The poster does deserve to be happy.
Two separate things.

When you're saving jointly for something as big as a Mortgage deposit, I think its fair to be honest with the other person.

 

[Goldenstar]

I doubt there are many on here who haven't at some point neglected to tell a partner about what their horse/s actually costs.

Indeed , however OP needs to fess up ,horses get injured they cost money the horse and OP comes as a package with her horse .
OP you must must must talk to your partner .
Do it really soon .
If he’s not understanding you need to really access what your life is going to be like .
At one one in my life when we first got this place and where doing it up , this was before we got married ,I did not ride my horses I turned them away because I felt there was more chance of injury and cost if I rode them .
It also saved on shoes food and bedding etc etc etc .My OH got it the horse thing and we did have to live frugally for some years before we got back to using the horses as we wished .
At that stage I had a credit card and was trying to put a few pounds into the BS account which was the horse emergency fund and I will say at that time in my life it was a nagging worry all the time .
Now I am not unfamiliar with the concept of the new saddle cloth that goes in the tack room for a rest when it arrives so it’s been had a while when it goes out and about or the concept of paying for expensive lessons in cash but really PO’s situation is such that I feel she needs a talk with her partner and get this out in the open .
Horses are expensive to keep ( and it’s about to get a lot worse ) .
The in-laws, I have been through this I just ignored them they did not know enough to see that for years my more novice OH had lovely horses that looked after him and mine where projects that where cheap to buy .This is between OP and her partner if he’s a reasonable person he should not let the in-laws matter .

 

[eahotson]

I think you have to decide on your priorities.
If you would prefer to be having fun with your horse and having a good social life rather than a boyfriend and buying a house then you need to be honest with yourself and your boy friend and follow your instincts.. There is no point being unhappy as you only have one life.
Best of luck.

Agree with that 100%.

 

[Pearlsacarolsinger]

What does this actually mean, though? That you don't have to pay any interest until December, but then you do have to pay it, and it was always clocking up anyway?

No that's not how interest free ccs work, there is a set period when no interest is charged (in this case that period ends in December). The trick to making interest free ccs work for you is to pay the whole amount of debt off before the free period finishes.

 

[Nasicus]

He’ll occasionally buy her bedding and pre-injury would come up and watch me / drive the box to shows & also picked her up from the vets for me because I’m a terrible driver.

Do you still have the box? I'd suggest selling it if so.

 

[Deltofe2493]

Do you still have the box? I'd suggest selling it if so.

I wish it was my own!! Unfortunately it was hired.

 

[Peglo]

Oh good old HHO.

It's absolutely fine to cheat on your sick husband, with whom you have a child, for multiple years because "you deserve to be happy", but not admitting to a vet bill when you're saving to buy a house with your bf means that you are a selfish liar and a spendthrift who should be rethinking all their life decisions before ruining his life.

I remember now why asking for advice on a forum is a bad idea.

where is this thread? Must’ve missed it.

 

[Deltofe2493]

Looking at it from the parents' perspective, I think the younger generation in these situations don't realise what a sacrifice it is to allow a child and their partner to come back to live in what was the family home. You spend years of your life raising your children and not doing what you want to do, because you don't have the time or the money, so when they become adults and move out, there's a bit of relief (amongst the sadness) that you can do what you want, when you want to. Clear up that pigsty of a teenager's room and turn it back into a guest bedroom so your friends can visit. Maybe start to save for early retirement. Downsize the house to release cash for a hobby or long held dream. Actually just do what you want to do in your own home without others around to be mindful of.

Then the child wants to save for a house and suddenly you've got two people living with you, one of whom is a relative stranger who doesn't share your view on life. I do understand how hard it is for young people to get on the housing ladder, and I'm sure I'd do it for my children, but I can totally understand that the parents would want to put a time limit on it, so they know when they can start to work on their own plans again. And make no mistake, they are subsidising you. You don't mention heat and light bills, and it will definitely be costing more with 4 in the house, and there may be other things they are paying. So when they see you not skimping and having an expensive hobby they are seeing no end to you living there and their plans being pushed further and further into the future.

I think you and the father need to start behaving like adults. Not talking to somebody for 2 days is behaviour that shouldn't even belong in the playground, but should definitely stay there. You need to sit down with a spreadsheet and work out your finances. How much do you take home from your jobs. What does your horse cost. How much do you spend on travel to work and the yard. How much do you spend not skimping. If you sit down and talk to them you may find it is this last one that is grating on them the most. They may well accept that the horse is expensive, but they see you also spending money on that Starbucks latte every day or driving to work when you could get the bus for example, so they don't think you are serious about saving.

Bear in mind that parents are always protective of other people taking advantage of their child, and if they see that their son already has his share of the deposit they may think you are expecting him to subsidise you. That's not the case from your posts, but do they know that? Have you sat down and told them everything you have told us? If you set out all your income and expenses, see where you can save and come up with a plan, whether that's cutting out enjoying yourself on a Saturday night, getting a sharer or working another shift, they will realise you are serious and it will help to diffuse the situation, even if they still react badly.

Good luck!

I agree. Although we do pay rent, and parents raised it in April when everything went up. OH has never moved out, it was more a case of me staying with him in lockdown then I just kind of stayed and decided we would start saving for a house. I was living in East London, and he's in very suburban South Bucks, so public transport isn't easily accessible.

It's a horrible horrible situation. We've been together 6 years and our stances on money have always differed.OH is fortunate enough to get paid well for his hobby (as a DJ) whereas my part time job is not a hobby, and I get paid min. wage. If he didn't enjoy it he wouldn't do it.

Tbh I don't think I will ever be good enough for their blue-eyed boy. Unless I get pregnant and give them a grandchild.

I don't like the idea of them knowing the ins and outs of my finances, but I do agree with picking up extra shifts where I can. I also asked OH this morning what he would think if I was to get a sharer to help with house savings, and he said don't you dare, is that what you really want? This might change when I eventually tell him the whole truth but at least I know he's protective of her too. I need to make sure the time and setting is right (not over message whilst we're both at work).

I need to speak to the vet but I'm wondering if I absolutely HAVE to do the final x-rays? And x-ray again when I'm better off financially? Or should I just finish what I started and make sure she's sound? If I leave it and she's in pain then it may result in further ulcer treatment.. but then trying to be sensible too.

Seriously off loading here. I have spoken to my friends, one who has a horse too (sturdy cob), but is single and living at with her mum, so completely different situation. One who has said you've been in debt before so you can get out of it. But like others have said it is different when we're trying to build a life and a future together. I am the type of person who wants it all, the house, the horse, career, family(?!) but I KNOW something has to give.

Like others have said I am feeling so guilty that this could potentially be holding him back. We could have had a house by now if I didn't have her which is why I posted because would a full loan or share for a while be a terrible decision?? I don't know what other people do or have done. I guess speaking to him and working out a plan together is the best thing to do but it is absolutely terrifying.

 

[AntiPuck]

Unfortunately, on minimum wage no one can have it all.

If he wants to buy a house with you then it needs to work for both of your respective financial situations and timelines, not just his. If he has never moved out of his parents' house, a period spent renting and testing out living together (without the parents) would probably be a good idea and potentially save making a huge financial mistake, as you will learn a lot more about each other, both how you handle money and more general habits.

You're right, you need to both sit down and work out a plan together.

 

[Deltofe2493]

Unfortunately, on minimum wage no one can have it all.

If he wants to buy a house with you then it needs to work for both of your respective financial situations and timelines, not just his. If he has never moved out of his parents' house, a period spent renting and testing out living together (without the parents) would probably be a good idea and potentially save making a huge financial mistake, as you will learn a lot more about each other, both how you handle money and more general habits.

You're right, you need to both sit down and work out a plan together.

to confirm, my first job is full time salaried and part time is min. wage. I’m not just on minimum wage wanting to have a horse that would be insane!

you’re right re renting and this has crossed both of our minds at some point… all options.

 

[AntiPuck]

to confirm, my first job is full time salaried and part time is min. wage. I’m not just on minimum wage wanting to have a horse that would be insane!

you’re right re renting and this has crossed both of our minds at some point… all options.

Ah, apologies, I mis-read your post. Glad to hear that as it sounds intensely tough having a horse on minimum wage!

 

[Bikerchickone]

Tricky situation but honestly, you’re going to have trouble getting a mortgage if youve got a credit card that’s either utilised over 30% or that you’re only making minimum payment on. I absolutely definitely wouldn’t recommend you getting another card to pay your vet bill either, don’t do any new credit applications for at least 6 months before you apply for a mortgage.

Personally I’d tell the other half the pickle that you’re in and be clear about how much the costs will be going forward. I also feel like some others, that you kind of do owe his parents an explanation. Honestly yes, I’d have a partner here for my daughter if they needed to save for a house but my goodness I’d struggle so much with having a stranger in my home. The financial side of it wouldn’t matter so much to me, but another person there really would impact my life. They deserve to know what’s happening and when so that your situation doesn’t break down entirely. I think try for a sharer, most people are unlikely to take on a full loan going into winter, especially if you say it’s for 6 months, ie until spring!

Tough choices ahead but being honest might be better than you think.

 

[AmyMay]

Like others have said I am feeling so guilty that this could potentially be holding him back.

What about what you want?

Be clear to him about your financial situation. How you see yourself as being able to financially proceed, and go from there.

This is not just about what he wants….