What to do you when things have gone wrong yet again...

[jainque]

When your horse has broken down and you are so fed up with everything, you want to hit everything and scream at everyone....
Especially those people having perfect horses ?
How do you let steam off ?
Any good idea to let the anger out ?
Thanks you in advance

 

[Snitch]

I’m not sure it’s healthy to have the level of anger you describe, so I’d look to address my temperament first, if I were you.

 

[Nudibranch]

I had 3 in a row break over 5 years. I felt sad rather than angry though.

You have to accept some of keeping horses is luck of the draw. Nobody's horse is perfect, even if they try and make out it is.

 

[Seville]

Well, first you concentrate on what it takes to care for your horse in its present predicament, how you can help it and how to proceed toward its rehab.
feeling such resentment against anyone with a sound horse isn't healthy and are you being unkind to anyone?
most people in this situation are heartbroken, mostly for the horse.
you have some growing up to do, forget anger and concentrate on your injured horse.

 

[Magnetic Sparrow]

I disagree with Snitch, I think it is normal to feel desperate and angry for a bit, you just don't want to stay in that mindset which is why I think you are asking for advice. I suggest physical exercise - mucking out, gardening, decorating or a long walk in nature.

 

[Pearlsasinger]

In short - Get a grip!

Horses do break, sometimes they can be fixed and sometimes they can't. If you can't accept that and cope with it, it's time to find a different hobby.
I know someone who lost 8 horses in 8 years, all for different reasons. I have lost 3 long before their expected natural lifespan. Yes, it's heartbreaking but either you learn from the experience, so that you can recognise the problem next time you see it and have an idea of what to do and how serious it is, or you make yourself extremely unhappy wallowing in your own misery or you decide that horses really are not for you.

Just be glad for others that their horses are not broken currently - anger is a useless emotion in this context.

 

[Snitch]

I disagree with Snitch, I think it is normal to feel desperate and angry for a bit, you just don't want to stay in that mindset which is why I think you are asking for advice. I suggest physical exercise - mucking out, gardening, decorating or a long walk in nature.

Anger is a healthy emotion in some circumstances, I agree. But at the level the OP describes isn’t, particularly when it is projected on to other people.

 

[Cortez]

What (or who) are you angry about? Anger is not an emotion which mixes very well with horses; patience, empathy, acceptance, determination and kindness are more useful.

 

[milliepops]

Having had one horse that repeatedly did herself injury after injury, usually having just come back into full work and me having got my hopes up all over again... I totally understand the OP's reaction, but mine was expressed as deep sorrow rather than anger.

It's not fair, sadly life isn't fair full stop. That doesn't make it feel any better but it is true. It felt to me like I was busting a gut to keep my horse safe but she would somehow end up injured when other people get lucky with hazardous conditions and ropey management. But that's just how luck works.

Personally I walked up mountains and had a good sob sometimes you have to let the pent up feelings out. And then dust yourself down, remember that tomorrow is a new day, and you will find a way to cope and just get on with it.

it's hard esp with social media etc because it seems like everyone is having this perfect life, but people tend only to post about the good things that are happening. I'm pretty sure that many are having difficult times too, so try and remember that as well.

 

[Goldenstar]

You know you just have to man up and get on with it .
I do think it’s harder when you only have one horse .
I say this with care and in a completely non judgemental way I learnt from all the horse I lost to lameness I learnt for example to wise up and not blindly trust for example farriers and vets .
I have suffered moments of extreme frustantion but then there’s a damaged horse who needs some one on point protecting him to think about .

 

[Abi90]

The OP’s reaction sounds like she’s only just had the news and to be honest I can understand the frustration. She may feel angry now but it may turn to the heartbreak others have described.

When I had a run of bad luck by the nth thing that had gone I wanted to scream and shout, for about 20 minutes then I just felt fed up. I’m not sure it’s a lack of maturity and I’m sure the initial “tantrum” will pass. We also don’t know if the OP has other issues in her life or may have anxiety and this has been the last straw.

Unfortunately there is a lot of bad luck with horses and we can’t say when it will improve but just breathe and take the situation as it comes

 

[oldie48]

Most people feel angry at some time, certainly I do but not about horses getting "broken" generally I just feel very worried and sad about that. so let's look at dealing with anger generally. Well, I usually take a lot of long, very long breaths, just to settle myself then I take the dog for a very long walk and tell him why I'm so angry. He's an excellent listener (actually he doesn't listen at all but that is OK ) and by the time I get home, I'm usually feeling much better. Anger is sometimes about not having control of a situation and just taking time out to recognise that can help. You are probably a lot younger than me (most people are) and it's taken me a long time to not want to blame everyone around me when things go wrong and to find better ways of coping. I hope your horse recovers. Chin up!

 

[milliepops]

Anger is sometimes about not having control of a situation and just taking time out to recognise that can help.

I think this is a really good point and definitely rings true for me.

 

[sunshine100*]

When your horse has broken down and you are so fed up with everything, you want to hit everything and scream at everyone....
Especially those people having perfect horses ?
How do you let steam off ?
Any good idea to let the anger out ?
Thanks you in advance

have a listen to some podcast on peace and meditation-def stay away about your horse until your anger subsides-they pick up on it and its not fair

 

[Widgeon]

Agree with what others have said about exercise - walk up a mountain, go for a long run (or walk), or go to the gym if that's what you like. It definitely helps take your mind off it, and being physically tired generally helps (for me, anyway). Going for a long walk or climbing a mountain has the added bonus that you can find a spot where no one else is and just cry / yell / kick dirt for a bit. And please do talk to someone about it, even if it's just a sympathetic work colleague willing to spend fifteen minutes listening to you complain about your horrible luck! At the end of the day life isn't fair and sometimes you get a really rough deal through no fault of your own.

I hope you can find a way to let your feelings out in a safe way! Don't bottle it all up, that'll just come back to bite you later. Then when you've got the initial rage out of your system it'll be easier to find the patience and determination that above posters have described. Good luck, and I hope your horse picks up soon.

 

[McFluff]

To be fair on the OP anger is a natural emotion as part of the grievance process. So if this is a relatively recent diagnosis of broken, and the prognosis is permanently broken, then it wouldn’t be unusual to go through anger. At least OP is reaching out and asking for help to respond to their feelings. It is important to do something as anger is not good around horses.

As others have suggested physical exercise can help (I’ve found that and keeping busy work for me), and if you feel jealous of seemingly ‘perfect’ horses then a break from social media will help.
If you do some internet searching you will find some anger management tips and if your employer has an employee assistance program that may have useful material to help.

 

[ycbm]

Jesus there are some feckin judgemental people on this forum!

Jainque, when I was the age I suspect you are, I used to go for a run, the longer and faster the better.

..

 

[AShetlandBitMeOnce]

Everyone reacts differently to bad news. I know that I was just about to walk out of the house for my birthday lunch when I had the post through the door containing damning results of my horses MRI, and I went into full blown, sobbing panic attack at the bottom of the stairs - the bottle of wine I had in my hand at the time was gone in 5 minutes flat, and I very rarely drink. I didn't even realise I had done it.

I'm not proud of it, as I am sure OP isn't of her anger, but I think some of the harsher posts should cut her a bit of slack. My advice would be to do something you enjoy, go for a walk, swim, play with your (or a friends) dog, chill in the field with him/her and poo pick - just take the time to process and rationalise what has happened and how you feel. You will soon find that the initial shock/over reaction will subside and you can get on with you life and your horses care.

 

[SEL]

When your horse has broken down and you are so fed up with everything, you want to hit everything and scream at everyone....
Especially those people having perfect horses ?
How do you let steam off ?
Any good idea to let the anger out ?
Thanks you in advance

Nothing wrong with a good cry! I opened an email with bad results in it in a car park and couldn't get out the car for 20 mins. Life is really, really unfair sometimes.

And yes, it's also normal to feel a bit p'd off with people having fun with those non-broken horses. I hope they show you some empathy in your position. I've had some hugely insensitive comments from people in my horse social circle and just hope I'm not that dense if it's ever their horse that breaks.

Deep breath. I'm much better after I've had thinking time and a chance to come up with a plan.

 

[Pearlsasinger]

Nothing wrong with a good cry! I opened an email with bad results in it in a car park and couldn't get out the car for 20 mins. Life is really, really unfair sometimes.

And yes, it's also normal to feel a bit p'd off with people having fun with those non-broken horses.
.

I'm afraid i don't think it is.

Anger at the gods, the vet, the insurance co,. oneself, yes but other people who have healthy horses - NO! I cannot see any justification for that and tbh it makes the OP sound mean-spirited.

I expect that when she has had some time to take in the news that she has been given, she will gather herself together and think again about the irrationality of being angry with those who are simply getting on with their own horsey concerns.

Of course should any of those people make any unpleasant comments towards the OP, that would be a different story and her anger would be justified.

 

[Cinnamontoast]

I bet the OP doesn't really feel so much anger at others. Personally, I don't know anyone who's got the perfect impervious horse unless they are you ng and have done very little with them. Even then, I know youngsters with string halt, one with kissing spine, one who died of grass sickness.

Running used to relieve tension for me, brilliant for releasing any demons.

 

[SpottyMare]

Jesus there are some feckin judgemental people on this forum!

..

Abso-feckin-lutely. The thought occurs that if people can't say anything nice or helpful - don't. Especially when the person asking for help is obviously dealing with heightened emotions.

To those lucky people that deal with life's disasters with equanimity - good for you. We're not all the same and anger is a perfectly normal emotion. There's no mandate for who/what you feel angry about/with.

OP - along with other folks I've found physical exercise helps (redirects it) - mine was running and lifting weights or (I used to kickbox) going to the kickboxing gym and attacking the punch bags. Being by the sea or in the countryside, swearing, crying, beating up pillows. Also meditation, surprisingly. Whatever works for you. Key thing is to get it out of your system and not bottle it up so that it passes and you can move on.

 

[TPO]

Dude I've been there. I lost 3 of my horses, 1 a year, over 3 yrs. Not fun.

After losing my first mare I bought a gelding in really poor condition because I felt sorry for him and how skinny he was. (I found out after I'd viewed him he was "famous" on this forum. I got stick from people whod never met him or the poster who owned him but believed the fairy tales she wrote about him).It didnt go well but I slogged away to make him a happy, healthy and better horse. Sold to an excellent home and he dropped dead in their field 3mths later.

I lost one of my remaining mares a month later and then my one in a million mare 7mths after that.

I stupidly bought another gelding with sad eyes, had him on a trial, he vet checked ok. Only to have 6yrs of lameness, surgeries and ultimately find out my vets had lied to me and altered his records (which I cant prove and it was me against them so pointless).

I did everything in my power for him and his care was of the highest standard. Other peoples mistakes always seemed to affect him - twice on two different yards he punctured his frogs with nails. One yard the YO "forgot" that nails had been dropped in the surface and the other yard they just left everything at their backside and it had to be my horse that stood on it despite me being the most proactive sweeper-upper their was. I cleared metre upon metre of old wire from fields that no one else bothered about and it was my horse with the wire injury that punctured just below stifle joint (thankfully) and needed emergency vet.

I worked tirelessly on various horses to improve straightness, suppleness, fitness and strength. I ensure tack fits, feet are balanced and that appropriate therapy is received to what end? I lost them all prematurely.

I have spent years where I saw the vet monthly-not a word of a lie. Yes I was heartbreakingly sad and frustrated and broken about it but I was also very, very angry.

Not angry or jealous of Joe Bloggs who has horses and looks after them and enjoys them.

I was angry at the majority of people I liveried with when I'd see their lame, sore, sad, unfit horses with ill fitting tack being pulled in out the blue and being worked in draw reins, too tight flashes, crank nose bands, strong bits and kicked along with unsteady spur wearing legs while their mouths were sawed off. The horses that get physically beaten up in their stable until they are in a blind panic because they wont load. That are kept hungry and expected to live off 1 section of hay.

I'd be angry at these unfit and lame horses going out showing, dressage, jumping and eventing and coming home with places and therefore angry at judges and stewards. Angry at trainers who'd teach these people on clearly unfit, not sound horses with rubbing bridles and sore causing saddles.

How is that fair? How do they get to neglect their horses and still get to reap rewards? Why do they get to float through life and their horses keep going in spite of the obvious. So yes I've been very very angry.

Of course I wouldn't swap places. I never want to be the person who turns a blind eye, ignores niggles or puts my wants to ride/compete above the horses welfare. Some of the anger is likely because I cant "save" or help those horses. But its anger all the same.

So yes OP I get where you are coming from. I'm not saying its healthy or productive but it is what it is.

As for dealing with it running helped me. A mix of being unfit so that I was too exhausted to be angry and, when I was fitter, falling into a rhythm running while playing music I liked helped me forget things.

I also sobbed my heart out and because I was up at 4am to see to box rest horse before work and not home until 11pm after seeing to him after work exhaustion made me too tired to feel much of anything.

I cant tell a short story for trying but believe when I say that above is the very short version of what has happened since 2008 (it's been a looong slog). A smarter person would have taken the hint and given up!

However I'm not that smart, still standing, thankfully off livery yards for good and have a cracking wee horse who never fails to make me smile despite us both being put through the ringer...although that's a whole other story.

Eat chocolate, dance like a loon to your favourite tunes, have a laugh with friends, cry into your pillow, off load on forums to people who've been where you are and theres not much else for it but to keep on keeping on

I hope you get better news soon

 

[SEL]

TPO **hugs**

OP - it does get better. I broke at the same time as my horse and yes, life seemed really unfair at the time.

 

[scats]

OP, I do understand how you feel. I had 15 years of the most horrendous luck with horses and it was so frustrating and heartbreaking.
Sending you a hug x

 

[Mule]

Go somewhere where you have some privacy. Bring a pillow and imagine it as the source of your anger. Scream at it, shout at it, verbalise everything you're felling and beat the crap out of it. Letting out all the emotion in a safe place will help a lot.

 

[JillA]

Anger is destructive - rather look at the whys and the hows and what you can do to get your horse back to full health and then keep him that way. That's the constructive thing to do and gives you something to focus on

Not criticising anyone on here but years ago I had a neighbour with some lovely horses who kept going down with problems in their hocks. She had been lunging and lunging and lunging so that she almost caused the problem. I don't believe in luck when it comes to repeated lameness, but what strains we put on them

 

[Mule]

Anger is destructive - rather look at the whys and the hows and what you can do to get your horse back to full health and then keep him that way. That's the constructive thing to do and gives you something to focus on

It can be destructive but if you don't allow yourself to express it (safely) it will always fester.

 

[blitznbobs]

When your horse has broken down and you are so fed up with everything, you want to hit everything and scream at everyone....
Especially those people having perfect horses ?
How do you let steam off ?
Any good idea to let the anger out ?
Thanks you in advance

By heck there are some negative comments here...

Anger and jealousy are normal human emotions and it’s not what feelings you have it’s what you do with them that matters . Personally I think venting to a load of strangers on a forum is a pretty healthy way of dealing with them.

It’s ok to feel crap but what helps me is imagining that those people who are in a happy place have probably been through similar to me and that will be me in a year or two. Then focusing on what I need to do to get to be ‘them’ by this time next year... I’m not always successful but it helps me thru the dark times.

Physical activity certainly helps with the physical feelings to do with anger (I take a kick boxing class which is amazing for this cos you can imagine punching whoever whilst burning off the adrenaline and not hurting anyone - and you get a better workout cos you put more Umph into it...

Two contrite things that genuinely help me in the bad times

‘When you’re going through hell, keep going’

And

‘This too shall pass’

Chin up, I hope today is a better day.

 

[blitznbobs]

Anger is destructive - rather look at the whys and the hows and what you can do to get your horse back to full health and then keep him that way. That's the constructive thing to do and gives you something to focus on

Not criticising anyone on here but years ago I had a neighbour with some lovely horses who kept going down with problems in their hocks. She had been lunging and lunging and lunging so that she almost caused the problem. I don't believe in luck when it comes to repeated lameness, but what strains we put on them

I don’t believe in luck either - only that that you make yourself - but to suggest that lameness is usually the cause of the owner is just - how can I put this - wrong.