Who is being unreasonable?

Wow that's a tough decision to be forced to make. I really feel for you.

Tbh if my OH ever gave me this ultimatum I would seriously consider ending our relationship.

Ok so if you do what he asks and have your horse pts, worst case scenario, what will it be next??

What will he decide you can't have next and have to get rid of?

I was in a situation before where I had 2 horses and 2 dogs and my OH at the time resented the time and money I spent with them. He hinted some of them should go.

So my 2 dogs did go, along with me :)
 
I can see your husband's point of view too. I don't think he is being fair in how he is putting things, but I think he is more worried about debt than you are, and is panicing or lashing out.

We had a couple of thousand of debt last year while I wasn't doing my normal job due to injury, and it used to really stress me out. I don't care that my friends/other people have much bigger debt - I don't want it, I want to know that everything is paid for and looked after, and that if something awful happened we would have a bit of emergency money.. When you add up what keeping a horse costs, sometimes its a second mortgage..

For the moment I would send the horse back to the college, which will help a bit, but won't prevent the possibility of vets bills! I can't believe they charge livery over the holidays either, cheeky things! But I would still have the horse up for sale while there. I'm another one wondering why the dog needs daycare - is there no way of saving that money somehow?

It does sound like there are some serious communication issues in the marriage. Would it be worth finding a councillor to talk things through as a couple - you may find out things you didn't understand..

Good luck, hope you can get through this.
 
Tinypony said:
We don't know if they ran up the debt on animal care and vets bills, or if he contributed his share of spending on credit. People are assuming that he is "paying for" the horse's care, but we don't know what the balance of their income vs individual expenditure is. He could be throwing his money at expensive motorbikes for all we know. That's why they need to sit down and look at their partnership I guess. We don't know if he's a financial drain in Op's life and she could sustain herself and her animals fine without him, or some sort of vice versa.
Click to expand...

Going by op's previous posts it is circumstances in general that have created the situation:-

"When I brought my horse I was financially secure, at home with mum and dad and worked for my livery on the 3 days I had off. Fast forward 3 years, I'm now a house owner and married. When I met my husband he earned a good wage too and everything was fine until we came back from our mini honeymoon to find he had been made redundant. I knew I would be out of work at that point as the girl I nannyed for went to school. Life hasn't been the same since and is a daily struggle. He's now working again but no luck for me yet. Whilst we have had no
money my horse has had
cellulitis, strangles and colic.
Insurance paid out for one of
these, typically not the most
expensive one, but we now have
more going out than coming I'n.
She is a fantastic horse who I
could sell without a problem, but
I'n today's economic climate it
scares me to death that I could
find the perfect owner but Theres nothing to stop it happening to
them too. Circumstances can change don't feel bad about doing the right thing for your horse."
 
I think it's madness to try to decide who is right or wrong, or whether the husband or wife needs to be "stood by" and supported or beaten over the head with a frying pan on the information we have been given. We don't know who earns most, who spends most, and all sorts of other things that contribute to the full picture of how their relationship works. But they do, and so only they can look at the full picture and decide if the balance is right.
The good thing though surely is that the horse can go back to college for a while and during that time they can take stock.
 
Tinypony said:
I think it's madness to try to decide who is right or wrong, or whether the husband or wife needs to be "stood by" and supported or beaten over the head with a frying pan on the information we have been given. We don't know who earns most, who spends most, and all sorts of other things that contribute to the full picture of how their relationship works. But they do, and so only they can look at the full picture and decide if the balance is right.
Click to expand...

I agree, but the op did ask for us to look at previous posts to get the history of the situation she is now in.
While I sympathise with the situation to me it is a common sense issue that if you can't afford something and are getting into debt over it then something has to give, what 'gives' in the OP's case is up to her.
 
I often think that when someone comes across unreasonable normally there is alot more going on than whatever you are arguing about. I was pinned up against a wall (by my neck) because we didnt have any tomato ketchup...no im not joking and he is obviously ancient history. Im not saying you are right or he is right but clearly things are going very badly wrong with you both and this is IMO is going to be very difficult to get through without simmering resentment on both sides...I guess you need to ask yourself if you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who is not making you happy, I suggest he asks the same question too. The end of a marriage may be sad but not as sad as looking back on your life and wishing you had done things differently.
 
It's hard to say really. If you can't afford the horse, then he does have a point, however the way he has put it across isn't reasonable. I'd send horse back to college for now, then reassess in spring if financially things are looking up.
My ex husband told me to sell both mine when I was pregnant. The money wasn't an issue, for him it was all about control & the fact the horses gave me confidence & happiness he couldn't prevent. But your situation sounds different.
 
If he insists on the PTS route tell him he can damn well hold the horse when it's done. That might shut him up.

How dare he bully you - that's really not on.. If he cannot sit and discuss it reasonably then I'm afraid I would tell him to sling his hook. Just my opinion of course.
 
You hardly have a zoo of animals so its not as if they should be bankrupting you / him tbh.

The bigger issue is that this isn't the way to resolve any situation in a marriage. Ultimatums are no sign of respect and damaging to both sides.

If the bigger issue is that he doesn't actually like animals ( which is my thought as no animal lover talks in terms of pets being disposable ) I'd move back home to give you distance and really think about if this is the partnership for you.
 
OK, I am generalising here. It seems that in alot of cases we (generalising) not only underestimate but also are rather blinkered about something we are passionate about. Hobby's, horses, cycling, surfing etc are just that, hobby's (for most) and it is amazing how much debt people will get into to maintain their hobby much to the amazement of many people.
So, I can see the OH's point, he worded it badly but he obviously has genuine concerns about finances which are possibly not being fully appreciated by OP.
Hands up who has a blinkered approach to their horses and will do anything to keep them? How many things have we 'bought in a sale', bought and hidden, bought and 'have had it for ages' or fibbed about how much we actually spend? (my hand is up!)
 
I spend a lot of money on my horses but I don't hide it or lie. They way I see it it's my life and I only get one shot at it, so I am going to enjoy it and spend it doing the things I love.

Yes horses are a hobby but its that hobby that makes going to work worthwhile! When I'm sat at work bored senseless I think, well at least it keeps me in dogs and horses :)

I don't agree with bankrupting yourself for your hobby, but the op had tried to reduce her costs by loaning the horse.
 
Thats a cruel ultimatum :(

I'm afraid if I had the option to move back in with parents and keep my horse and pets, then i'd do that
 
Grumpy Jewel said:
i didnt want her to go stale so put her on loan with a view to buy as the girl who had her was looking for a horse to buy in the new year. As you can imagine, its all gone wrong and last monday she has given me her 30 days notice as she feels she hasnt bonded with her.
Initially when i told husband he was supportive, but by the time he had arrived home he hit the roof and has said i now have 4 options, 1)sell her, 2) re home our 2 dogs and cats, 3) move back in with my parents and be able to keep dog and horse or 4) put her to sleep.
Iv got until this sunday to make a decision and next sunday for action to be taken.
Any thoughts gratefully received, thanks x
Click to expand...

Plenty of time to contact the collage and get the mare a home - if necessary give her to the college.
Then time to pack up all your stuff & dogs & cats and move back in with your parents - leave the **** as if he wins this time he will only get more & more controlling.
Be thankful you don't have kids yet.
 
Good grief - people do say things under pressure,and as adults we better learn to recognise when someone close to us is under pressure!!
I don't think the solution is to bear a grudge - to me, all this sounds like"shoot the messenger! How dare he be the bearer of bad news!"

Recognise this, if the financial picture is not rosy then now is the time to stick together and find ways out of it - not throw tantrums because your horse is an impossible luxury right now. (sorry).
I think if you both can talk truthfully about how things are and how you can get out of it, it will make everything else easier.
And ,if through discussing it all, you find a way to keep all the things in life close to you,then you are very fortunate.
Fingers crossed!
 
I've never taken the view that horses are sellable, to me they are home for life animals just like cats and dogs. OP perhaps you are like me, but your OH may see them as luxuries and the first thing to go when money gets tight? Perhaps this is a difference of opinion that can't be compromised on, you won't know unless you discuss it. If he won't discuss it you have your answer. Ideally things like this get discussed before marriage to make sure you're marrying the right person.

What he says doesn't add up. He's afraid of large vet bills, so there's a 5th option, put your horse back at the college and when a big vet bill comes up that animal is PTS rather than treated. Maybe what he said was not really meant but was a panic reaction to the thought of the horse coming back and getting sick the next day? If he really meant what he said then I'd be moving out. Living with the constant threat of, if you don't like it you know where the door is, is horrible. It's particularly out of order if you own half the house, in that scenario I'd throw it right back at him! He can leave just as easily as you can.

Hope you get it all sorted out OP.
 
He's being unreasonable.

You didn't go out and buy animals when you couldn't afford them. Circumstances have changed. You are trying to sort this - horse has been loaned.

I'd say that by Sunday is simply not an option. You are LWVTB/Selling the horse and that it takes as long as it takes. Let him know that it will probably be more cost effective to hold on to her til the other side of Christmas as you'll get more return and that while you aren't putting up barriers for selling her, you are not going to have her PTS if it isn't in her or your best interests. If he does not like this... you (not both) will move back to your parents to subsidise... remind him that this will cost more if you are currently contributing towards house.

I'd also look for cheaper livery, but worth keeping somewhere with a school if she schools, as will be better to sell if can be trialled properly.
 
Sorry, I'm at work and havnt had a chance to comment all morning. Thankyou to who put my previous post on, that was the beginning of everything. I'm up to page 4 of the replies but am on my no ole so it makes it hard to do anything. He earns a lot more than me. I stupidly grabbed the first full time job I was offered and am now stuck at the perils of the motorway as I'm a mobile sales person. I earn nothing really so he does sort most of the income out. We have 2 dogs who a walker comes to a couple of hours a day depending on what hours we are out of the house for. When he issued the ultimatum I was already getting over fact that she was going to be sold, but the way he has said it is really making me question everything. He on the other hand has no issues with it, and its a decision that has to be made.
 
She's your horse so its your decision to make, nobody else's. Don't be pressured into doing something you don't want just to appease somebody else. If selling the horse is right for you then you'll make that decision yourself. Having spent years making allowances for a loser, I would get rid of anybody who tried to order me around now, they would get a second chance but not a third. I find it sad that one of the options put to you by OH wasn't let's talk and try to find a mutually agreeable solution. Perhaps he didn't think of that.

So what if your OH earns the most? If your salary pays for you to put a roof over your head somewhere and feed yourself and animals, then you're doing ok. If you're struggling financially as a couple look at what other things could be cut out eg cancel gym membership, cheaper to run type of car, smaller home (cheaper mortgage and bills), cheaper food, cancel sky tv, cheaper mobile phone contracts etc. I'm not saying either of you would want to do these things or should do these things, but it gives you a chance to see the whole picture. It's easy for him to say get rid of the horse, when its not his horse! Ask yourself how many things are you paying towards jointly which are actually his choice of lifestyle. Things that he may consider a necessity, but which aren't really.
 
He does love the animals, but obviously not in the same way as me. I reversed the role and said what if it was your dog that had to go in a week? to which he said tough decisions had to be made. I admit i am no perfect wife and i do struggle with communication due to issues in my younger life, but i have improved with talking things through and actually telling him my feelings. He knew all this about me before he signed up for life, and i had always said my horse is with me for life.
 
Tally up what the dog actually costs in walker and feed, warmer, flea insurance etc and offer him the ultimatum. Think he'll be surprised that it wont be that cheap.
Then let him know that the horse is finding a good home and not being dumped x
 
You poor thing , you must be so stressed so am sending you a hug.
I think your OH is being a bit unreasonable and the time limit is very short also you have tryed your best to re-home your horse and through no fault of your own it has not worked out so he could be a bit (sorry a lot) more supportive ,also when that ring when't on your finger it should have been a partnership and not an i will tell you what to do-ship .
Could you maybe go and stay with your parents and give each outher some breathing space as sometimes a little time is all thats needed .
 
Good plan gingerwitch :) I don't want this to be the breaking point of us as for me marriage is a commitment that I do not take lightly, but I never thought things would be this hard. We where so strong together when we where both out of work, we both sold virtually everything we possessed which brought us money for bills. We don't have any extras other than the animals as they have already been cancelled or sold.
 
I think you should sell the horse. You said yourself you couldn't afford it if it wasn't for the college option. I can understand why your OH has come down hard. Of course I can relate to your point I view also, but sometimes you have to do what is realistic. Just out If interest, what is the dog care issue you spoke about?
 
I think he sounds panicky and stressed.
IMO asking you to get rid of the horse if you are struggling financially is not unreasonable at all, but they way he's gone about it is just a little harsh maybe.

You have years and years to own horses.....if you can't afford I would get rid.

Imagine if he had an expensive hobby at this time and refused to give it up.

V sad situation but I do think that he is in the right......just possibly in need of a little more tact and insight into your feelings :)
 
patterdale said:
I think he sounds panicky and stressed.
IMO asking you to get rid of the horse if you are struggling financially is not unreasonable at all, but they way he's gone about it is just a little harsh maybe.

You have years and years to own horses.....if you can't afford I would get rid.

Imagine if he had an expensive hobby at this time and refused to give it up.

V sad situation but I do think that he is in the right......just possibly in need of a little more tact and insight into your feelings :)
Click to expand...

I agree. My hubby is a bank manager and he has seen too many people bankrupt themselves over horses... where does that leave either of you in the long term?

But I do really feel for you. I recently wanted to buy back a pony I once owned who had come up for sale... having owned him as a foal there is still a strong attachment. I was over-ruled and heartbroken, but in the end I realised it was for the best for everyone.

When it comes to money, let the head rule the heart, I think.
 
Sell the horse I am so sorry you are in this bind but you say she's a great horse she will sell the price you get for her is less important than the right home and knowing you have no on going costs for her.
It also will get you breathing space and perhaps time to look for better work that fits in better so you can ditch the dog walker and manage it all yourself.
Tell him you will sell her but you need time to do this and he will have to support you though this
Option B is to decide that you have made a major mistake you are too far apart on this in which case I would press the panic button and head home.
Money worrys are so damaging draining and they make people into things they actually are not , try to be calm strong and think this though I am not one for discussing issues with parents once adults but this might be a moment to look for help and support from them.
I bought one of my horses from a lady in a similar position to you she visited last weekend for the first time we spent two hour together before I went off to collect a horse leaving her to spend time with him I hope by buying I made her path easier, I have never seen grief like I did the day I collected him I have cared for her horse well and training him on carefully there is no reason why your horse won't end up in a great home .
Good luck to you .
 
I would also be upset & angry at being given an ultimatum. Maybe he's gone into panic mode due to your finance situation? Having said that, there are better ways of getting your point across. Even if you decide to sell her it's not going to happen over night.
I'd try to sit down with him & explain how hurt you feel even though you realise having her back will be another drain on your finances.
If my OH didn't try & work out a solution with me he'd get 4 options
1 - Look for cost savings in other areas short term
2 - Look for somewhere else to live
3 - Look out or I'll set dogs
on him
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top