Dealing with yard bullies

[cauda equina]

For the current move I wouldn't mention bullies/bullying - just keep it neutral, eg your mare wasn't settled with the turnout/stabling setup
If you bring personalities into it the new YO might start wondering about your personality

 

[Pearlsasinger]

Just explain that there isn't a suitable horse for yours to share a field with.

 

[MiJodsR2BlinkinTite]

For the current move I wouldn't mention bullies/bullying - just keep it neutral, eg your mare wasn't settled with the turnout/stabling setup
If you bring personalities into it the new YO might start wondering about your personality

^^^ This. As a YO I am hating to say it as appreciate you are in an awful situation OP where you are and frankly your YO is a total @rsehole for not dealing with the bullies but if I had a livery vacancy and someone rocked up and said they'd already been on three yards this year then my suspicious mind would be working overtime as to WHY that was.........

Wishing you good luck however and hope you find somewhere where you can be happy.

 

[Moodymare88]

^^^ This. As a YO I am hating to say it as appreciate you are in an awful situation OP where you are and frankly your YO is a total @rsehole for not dealing with the bullies but if I had a livery vacancy and someone rocked up and said they'd already been on three yards this year then my suspicious mind would be working overtime as to WHY that was.........

Wishing you good luck however and hope you find somewhere where you can be happy.

This is my worry and technically she isn’t settled, and I was thinking about if this yard was right for us before this has gotten worse. Before that, I was on the same yard for years but only moved because we moved to a different area. Moving yards is a hassle, I would rather try and resolve things that leave but I don’t think these people are open to that, even to just be civil really.

 

[MiJodsR2BlinkinTite]

This is my worry and technically she isn’t settled, and I was thinking about if this yard was right for us before this has gotten worse. Before that, I was on the same yard for years but only moved because we moved to a different area. Moving yards is a hassle, I would rather try and resolve things that leave but I don’t think these people are open to that, even to just be civil really.

If YOU are unhappy and tense then so will your horse be. It will rub off. So I think you would be perfectly justified in explaining your reasons for moving in this context as any YO would understand that and would hopefully do their best to provide a best place for your horse to settle.

Hoping you can find somewhere; your current situation sounds miserable in the extreme and I am hugely disappointed that your YO seems to be totally passive about it.

Good luck.

 

[MuddyMonster]

I’m not sure what I tell these YO as to why I’m leaving…this will be the 3rd yard this year The last one I was mucking out in exchange for livery, but working full time and doing my own horse, it didn’t work out.

I would just say that circumstances have changed and you are now looking to move. Keep it concise and there's no need to expand on it too much I think.

I think I did 4 yards in 14 months once, these things happen sometimes.

 

[LegOn]

I know its super childish - and I do have my tongue in my cheek but fight fire with fire - everything they do to you, I'd do the same back to them! If they block your car, block theirs. If they steal your hay, steal theirs or just throw it around. If they tell tales about you, tell tales about them. They steal your stuff, steal theirs or at least just move it around. See how they like it

But I do think in the real world I would probably just confront them with some brutal honesty that they are behaving like children and ask them to grow up. I honestly dont think you should move though - if the yard suits you, I would just make them aware you are aware every time they 'try' to annoy you and it isnt working. I would also do things that arent against the rules but super-annoying like I'd bring down a stereo and blast music while I'm there or move all your stuff so its really in everyones way or just do anything possible to inconvenience them and then just be 'oops' and laugh if they say anything!

 

[Annagain]

I'd say you moved from the the first as it was too far away but your mare hasn't settled at the new place.

 

[Moodymare88]

So I put a post of Facebook (the other girls and their friends are blocked) and some lovely person has given me a few names with yards to contact and I’m going to see a couple this week, so fingers crossed. I also found out that a horse on the yard I am at was a victim of sexual abuse by a bloke ? Another reason to leave!

 

[neddy man]

www.*******.co.uk

 

[Moodymare88]

I just thought I would provide an update, as I managed to speak to YO last night, although after the really sad news about her majesty, my problems aren’t really significant at the moment.

The girl who hasn’t spoken to the YO since she put the livery up (which was before I moved there in May) actually went and complained about me, saying I had sent her nasty text messages, she has deleted my number and is just going to pretend I don’t exist! YO did say that was petty, it’s worse than being at school and they are both 30 odd (a couple years younger than me!)
I showed her the text messages, which weren’t nasty, they were saying basically message me if there is an issue and please don’t move my things. Nothing nasty at all.

I also mentioned about her refusing to give me the storage space the others have, which I haven’t made a big deal out of until now, using it store things like a bird cage, dog beds and solar panels…which should surely be stored somewhere else?! She didn’t realise. I said it costs me more to have a smaller amount delivered and I also tie everything in with Payday, but like most, we are going through a lot of hay and 20 bales isn’t going to last me 2 months, but also I change her to haylage for the winter and need to be able to store a few bales, along with my bedding. Not sure if she will do anything about that…probably not but I have got somewhere else I can put my bedding and feed bins, so I can store more hay.

i also mentioned about them looking at another yard and being turned down because of their reputation, and how nice they were to me when they needed a reference and then just turned nasty. I said about the bitching about me, trapping me in my stable etc, that I’ve tried to be nice (offering jump sessions with my jumps etc), tried to keep to myself and now stick up for myself and nothing seems to work. These people obviously can dish it out but can’t take it, and are too scared to say anything to my face! Also said about hiding the hay bales etc, I basically told her everything and her response was ‘well, what can I do about it!’ I also said I’m worried that they will hog the school to turnout if the fields are closed, and my horse won’t be able to let off any steam, have a roll or I won’t be able to ride and I’m not going to put up with being bullied. I pay what they pay, I have every right to be there and I don’t deserve to be treated like I have, but they will also do it to the next person if leave.

I’m killing the other one with kindness, which surprised her and is quite amusing, the other is taking her ponies to a friends for October, and haven’t seen her, which is not a bad thing.

I don’t want to leave, I don’t want them to win. I went to look at a yard last night, but it was not suitable for many reasons and have another one potentially. I have a couple of weeks of work soon, so I probably won’t really see them, and if one is going away for a month, that will be a nice relief.

if I can put up with it, doing my own thing, keeping my earphones in, I will but also keeping an eye open for another yard if that makes sense?If they realise I won’t be going anywhere, they may just give up and get over it?! I will also be getting a camera for my stable at least, as clearly they won’t let me know if there is a problem with my horse, although I couldn’t do that and would never leave a horse suffer. On the bright side, we have had some rain and I might actually be able to do a ODE this year ?

 

[cauda equina]

Well done for taking the initiative, it's just a shame your yo is so wet

 

[Moodymare88]

Well done for taking the initiative, it's just a shame your yo is so wet

Yep! Maybe if the other girls realise I’m not an idiot, and I know a lot more than they realise, they may give up and leave me alone ?

 

[Flame_]

Yeah, the lack of support from the YO must be disappointing but she kind of has a point about there being not a great deal she can do, it's like with workplace bullying, it's not illegal/ punishable to make people's life miserable.

I don't agree with the fire with fire stuff, you don't want to give her any legitimate grounds for crying victim, but she is the enemy and you don't have to lose.

If you can coerce the softer of the two into getting along with you that would be massive, you might even end up friends.

Use a camera or at least a voice recorder if they are being threatening.

The real bully probably won't give up, each time something they do doesn't have a desired effect for them they might retreat for a while, but they'll probably start again whenever they're feeling particularly unhappy. Be like an absolute rock, and if you can treat them with nothing but indifference or contempt, eventually they will either possibly give up or escalate. If they give up, awesome, if not they will lose their sh!t enough and do something undeniable that the YO or the police can act on.

 

[ThreeFurs]

With the perspective of both age [I turned 59 last week] and distance, [I'm one of your Antipodean brethren] I think I can see the issue. They're jealous of you. Look at you. Early 30s, 6 old talented horse, lessoning weekly, owning own set of jumps, getting out and about in your horsebox on the weekends, widely and deeply networked in the horse community, balancing horse life with rest of it well; and look at them. I think you said one has a semi retired horse, the other is a 'trail rider'? [sorry if I got this wrong, I did read the whole thread but maybe not carefully].

They're hardly CDJ and Lottie Fry, are they? Whereas you are focused, and have goals, and look like hitting these. And because they have tiny shrivelled souls, this makes them uncomfortable in ways they may not even be conscious of ... they aren't mature enough to understand that friends and colleauges CAN be more successful than you; its not a problem its a plus. Success isn't like a pie where if one person gets a bigger slice theres less for the others.

So they make things harder for you. Taking your hay, blocking you in with their cars.

One little 'tick' I need for moving to a yard ['agistment' here] is that there is a least one other person there who competes in my discipline. Dressage. Doesn't have to be weekly, can be just to check training, but if you have that, then you have camraderie, advice, and maybe even horse buddies to come to shows with you.

Some people don't need this, they're really independent minded, but I find it helps. So maybe if you can understand what's driving them, and be a bit more aware of what you've acheived so far, it might help you mentally put them in a smaller place. x

 

[Moodymare88]

With the perspective of both age [I turned 59 last week] and distance, [I'm one of your Antipodean brethren] I think I can see the issue. They're jealous of you. Look at you. Early 30s, 6 old talented horse, lessoning weekly, owning own set of jumps, getting out and about in your horsebox on the weekends, widely and deeply networked in the horse community, balancing horse life with rest of it well; and look at them. I think you said one has a semi retired horse, the other is a 'trail rider'? [sorry if I got this wrong, I did read the whole thread but maybe not carefully].

They're hardly CDJ and Lottie Fry, are they? Whereas you are focused, and have goals, and look like hitting these. And because they have tiny shrivelled souls, this makes them uncomfortable in ways they may not even be conscious of ... they aren't mature enough to understand that friends and colleauges CAN be more successful than you; its not a problem its a plus. Success isn't like a pie where if one person gets a bigger slice theres less for the others.

So they make things harder for you. Taking your hay, blocking you in with their cars.

One little 'tick' I need for moving to a yard ['agistment' here] is that there is a least one other person there who competes in my discipline. Dressage. Doesn't have to be weekly, can be just to check training, but if you have that, then you have camraderie, advice, and maybe even horse buddies to come to shows with you.

Some people don't need this, they're really independent minded, but I find it helps. So maybe if you can understand what's driving them, and be a bit more aware of what you've acheived so far, it might help you mentally put them in a smaller place. x

Thank you for taking the time to read and reply. I do think it is jealousy, but I guess I’ve had that every yard I have been on, because I do go out and do things, and it doesn’t bother me if I am on my own, I guess people just don’t like it!

It is a shame that the horse world has to be like that. It seems now they are taking it out on my horse, by leaving her out alone all day whilst they randomly start bringing theirs in (living out all summer) and haven’t even had the decency to let me know! Luckily, she seemed fine and was just calling when I turned up, but it appears that she will just need to get used to it and deal with it, because the other girls won’t inform me and I have never been on a yard where it’s ok to leave a horse on its own

it’s so stressful as I never know what they are doing, my one rule is that she isn’t left out alone at night and so far, she hasn’t ? I hate relying on other people, they will be in the majority of winter anyway, so nice for them to stay out now until she comes in at night from October.

sadly, I haven’t been able to find a suitable yard yet, I’m on waiting lists for several and the YO has been really off and funny with me since I spoke to her, which is a joke but I’ll just keep my head down, my mouth shut and focus on me and my horse.
I’ve worked hard to get everything I have, and waited a long time to get a horse who will hopefully allow me to fill my lifelong goal of eventing (my other mare had health issues 2 years after I bought her, which meant I had to make the decision not to jump her) and I’m not going to let these nasty people ruin it!

 

[scats]

Your YO sounds like a wet wipe. I would move as soon as something comes up somewhere else.

 

[ycbm]

The yard manager is being funny with you because she has failed you and she knows it and now you've spoken to her she knows you know she's failed you. Sadly, in her mind, it's probably easier for her for you to leave than it would be for her to woman up and sort out the problems.
.

 

[Backtoblack]

the main problem here i feel is your Yard Owner. wouldnt be giving her my money. I'd look for a new yard to move too. the whole place shounds like a complete nightmare.

 

[ThreeFurs]

Thank you for taking the time to read and reply. I do think it is jealousy, but I guess I’ve had that every yard I have been on, because I do go out and do things, and it doesn’t bother me if I am on my own, I guess people just don’t like it!

It is a shame that the horse world has to be like that. It seems now they are taking it out on my horse, by leaving her out alone all day whilst they randomly start bringing theirs in (living out all summer) and haven’t even had the decency to let me know! Luckily, she seemed fine and was just calling when I turned up, but it appears that she will just need to get used to it and deal with it, because the other girls won’t inform me and I have never been on a yard where it’s ok to leave a horse on its own

it’s so stressful as I never know what they are doing, my one rule is that she isn’t left out alone at night and so far, she hasn’t ? I hate relying on other people, they will be in the majority of winter anyway, so nice for them to stay out now until she comes in at night from October.

sadly, I haven’t been able to find a suitable yard yet, I’m on waiting lists for several and the YO has been really off and funny with me since I spoke to her, which is a joke but I’ll just keep my head down, my mouth shut and focus on me and my horse.
I’ve worked hard to get everything I have, and waited a long time to get a horse who will hopefully allow me to fill my lifelong goal of eventing (my other mare had health issues 2 years after I bought her, which meant I had to make the decision not to jump her) and I’m not going to let these nasty people ruin it!

We at least we've flushed out the motives of these two pathetic specimens. They must be very insecure. I've agisted at yards where there's been a para World Championships dressage rider, where there's been folk competing state-wide at FEI level, and all sorts, and we fellow liveries have been nothing but pleased for them, and intensely proud. So I'd like to think that when you get a slot elsewhere, there will be a better atmosphere. Fingers crossed. x

 

[Pinkvboots]

It's funny you say about jealousy I live next door to a yard I use there school, the one person that goes out competing the most and has 3 horses doing affiliated jumping hardly has any friends there she hardly talks to anybody no one seems to want to know her.

I have lessons with her and ride with her and she says I'm the only one that has anything to do with her, so I think the jealousy thing is definitely a thing amongst horse people.

 

[DabDab]

My god your YO sounds pathetic

 

[Flowerofthefen]

I agree that your yard has bullies. I hope you find somewhere nice to go. One poster mentioned jealousy as a reason not to speak to someone, in some cases yes but not all. I keep my horses with the YO that has 2 of her own. We see each other occasionally and get on well. We have the odd conversation but not usually about horses!! Am I jealous of her or her horses?? Not in the slightest. I'm very abrupt and my feelings and view on things can make me come across as rude. Just the way I am. There are things she does which make my toes curl but I keep my opinions to myself and get on with my own horses.

 

[ILuvCowparsely]

I did, but one responded by saying she’s fed up of dealing with this rubbish (bit of a joke really as I’ve kept my mouth shut and they have made me feel like that everyday since I moved) and that I’m to delete her number and she will delete mine! But childish really as I would never let any one horses suffer no matter what I thought of the owner.

Charming ( not) people. Are they youngsters or older woman.?


I would speak to yard owner about this - it is their duty to nip things in the bud or they will loose more liveries than they need. I don't tolerate bullying and luckily we have rarely had a issue. They sound young and childish really whispering and biotching behind peoples back. Like others I would try go up there when they are not around, and lock my stuff away or keep it at home. If it comes to a head and things go missing or damaged I would speak to Yard owner and say if they are not spoken too and quit their behaviour you will have to hand your notice in.

Horses are our lives - family-hobby- a place to go to to enjoy not a place of dread.

Maybe have your phone on record when you have to go near them, and try catch them slandering you about abuse, then if you have it recorded you can threaten them with slander and legal action.

 

[ILuvCowparsely]

I HATE bullies! I was bullied briefly in primary school, and that turned me into a completely different person. Will not tolerate any of it! And hate to see anyone else suffer for it! Its not right.

Me to I was bullied in school, even tried to take my jewellery and the worst of it was pinned down by girls so a boy could. (delete) and head mistress dealt with it. I too am stronger than I was, I won't put up with it.

 

[Nasicus]

I would speak to yard owner about this - it is their duty to nip things in the bud or they will loose more liveries than they need..

See post #101...

 

[asmp]

Have you asked your farrier if he knows of any places anywhere? Is there a RC or PC near you? The secretaries may know of someone who has a small yard. I found somewhere once by asking the secretary at a show!

 

[Lois Lame]

... I think the jealousy thing is definitely a thing amongst horse people.

Dog people. Cat people. Any people.