Feeling like leaving the horse world !

[zandp]

Your instructor sounds awful - you need someone who understands what losing confidence means.

Where are you in the country ?

 

[Keira 8888]

This simply cannot go on. You deserve far far better and are too good for these people, who are abusing your kindness. You need to get out of this truly awful situation right now. Sorry if that sounds strong but I absolutely can't abide controlling people.

Hear hear!!! ?

 

[Mary3050]

And as for jumping - jumping isn't the be all and end all! I couldn't tell you the last time I jumped anything! I have never been taught to jump properly so I am more of a point, aim and close my eyes kind of person over a wee cross pole and hope it works out ok! I don't know why a lot of people are so obsessed by jumping big jumps!

Me neither tbh I enjoy a little pop but want to improve position etc . I would be more than happy if I could do a little 50cm show jumping course come last and feel safe . That’s all I want to do

 

[Mary3050]

This simply cannot go on. You deserve far far better and are too good for these people, who are abusing your kindness. You need to get out of this truly awful situation right now. Sorry if that sounds strong but I absolutely can't abide controlling people.[/QUOTE

I really want to go but everywhere’s full I feel so stuck right now . I think from what everyone’s saying I will have to grin and bare it but put my foot down. Then jump ship ASAP thanks

 

[Mary3050]

Tell the mother straight - you like her kid, don't mind the kid riding your horse *on your terms*, but that her (the mother's) attitude is making you seriously reconsider the arrangement. And wouldn't that be a shame for her daughter if her mother keeps making things so difficult for her? Might just make the mother sit up and shut up!

And I'd start looking for a new yard to move to - there are friendlier places out there (tbh, it sounds like anything would be better)

That may work will give that a go . I am on the hunt but nothing about at the min

 

[Mary3050]

I would look at joining a RC then as should be the same rules......

Very true great idea I will joint BD and go to there clinics !

 

[Keith_Beef]

Put a stop to it. It's hard to say no the first time, but it gets easier with practice. And don't worry about the child; your discussion or negotiation is with the mother, not the child.

If you allow the child to ride your horse a few times each week as a regular occurrence, then you should be able to tell the mother that she needs to stump up for some of the cost of keeping the horse, in proportion to the number of times that the child rides. And try to make sure it is regular, as in agreed days of the week at agreed times.

And if she doesn't like it, tell her she can moan and bitch all she likes. You wouldn't give in to your horse if he got bargy for treats, so why allow her to behave like that?

As for the instructor, I suppose there are instructors who think that a student is capable but not trying, and that shouts and insults can be motivating... I had a teacher like that in infant school. But there's no need for you to accept it.

Deep breath, straight face, and "your bullying techniques are not helping; start doing your job properly or I'll find a better instructor".

 

[Mary3050]

Your instructor sounds awful - you need someone who understands what losing confidence means.

Where are you in the country ?

I do i also need someone who listens and doesn’t shout . Nottinghamshire but I work in South Yorkshire so a yard any where on that way would suit me fine. Just need full livery , signal turnout and able to work the horse if needed

 

[Mary3050]

Put a stop to it. It's hard to say no the first time, but it gets easier with practice. And don't worry about the child; your discussion or negotiation is with the mother, not the child.

If you allow the child to ride your horse a few times each week as a regular occurrence, then you should be able to tell the mother that she needs to stump up for some of the cost of keeping the horse, in proportion to the number of times that the child rides. And try to make sure it is regular, as in agreed days of the week at agreed times.

And if she doesn't like it, tell her she can moan and bitch all she likes. You wouldn't give in to your horse if he got bargy for treats, so why allow her to behave like that?

As for the instructor, I suppose there are instructors who think that a student is capable but not trying, and that shouts and insults can be motivating... I had a teacher like that in infant school. But there's no need for you to accept it.

Deep breath, straight face, and "your bullying techniques are not helping; start doing your job properly or I'll find a better instructor".

This is true they have never offered any money towards the horse or anything like that. I have explained this will not work telling me to get a grip when I have a fear for a real reason doesn’t help it makes me worse.

 

[Pinkvboots]

Thanks I will try to do this. I have a important dressage test coming up in the in January. But I am instructor less well I don’t want to be accused of wasting time. We aren’t allowed to go for lesson/clincs else where or we get kicked off the yard. As it’s in the contract. I can’t even risk it because I do have stables at home but I have one that needs work and I don’t have a school. Also part of the field is flooded as per usual so that’s a not go ?. I am trying to find somewhere else that can accommodate my needs thanks

Find another yard that is ridiculous

 

[Pinkvboots]

Surely someone on here can help with a new yard and instructor I this is the main problem, the bitch woman is easy you just tell her to get lost.

 

[BronsonNutter]

I do i also need someone who listens and doesn’t shout . Nottinghamshire but I work in South Yorkshire so a yard any where on that way would suit me fine. Just need full livery , signal turnout and able to work the horse if needed

You're near my parents - I'll have a think and PM you regarding all the 'nice' yards I know of that might suit you. Give me a shout if you don't hear anything by later tonight!

 

[Mary3050]

Surely someone on here can help with a new yard and instructor I this is the main problem, the bitch woman is easy you just tell her to get lost.

Yep I am trying to but there no space anywhere . I put a post up a bit back asking for suggestions got no reply’s

 

[Mary3050]

You're near my parents - I'll have a think and PM you regarding all the 'nice' yards I know of that might suit you. Give me a shout if you don't hear anything by later tonight!

Thanks that would be great

 

[9tails]

You should be able to pick and choose if you require full livery, it also means you can go further afield as you don't need to be there at certain times of the day. Why is this kid helping you get in if you're on full livery?

 

[vhf]

What a horrendous situation. Clearly moving needs to be a priority, and there's plenty of great 'meanwhile' advice for you here. But - surely your contract can't stop you joining an affiliated riding club? And having done so, they couldn't stop you attending official riding club activities? Some of which might just happen to be clinics... Who knows, they might just happen to be looking for someone to make up a dressage team and then they'd have to give you some team coaching/assessment at the very least. (No need for anyone on your yard to know whether that in fact is true. None of their business.) And if you don't want to jump, don't. Time for that another day/month/year if you fancy it. Horses are an expensive, time-consuming and not-especially-safe hobby. If it's yours, you deserve to enjoy it in your own way, not anyone else's. Shame on them!

 

[SpotsandBays]

If it was me I’d rather not have a lesson than have ones that aren’t doing me any good! Chin her off. Simple “sorry it’s not working out for me”. Also for the lady with the child? She can absolutely do one. She should be in your debt as you are allowing her to use something so dear to you, and putting you down is her abusing that. Again “sorry, this isn’t working out for me”, or to be honest I’d be much less polite about it ?. Good luck! Don’t let people walk over you. Find yourself a nice quiet yard and a sympathetic instructor. They do exist!

 

[9tails]

What a horrendous situation. Clearly moving needs to be a priority, and there's plenty of great 'meanwhile' advice for you here. But - surely your contract can't stop you joining an affiliated riding club? And having done so, they couldn't stop you attending official riding club activities? Some of which might just happen to be clinics... Who knows, they might just happen to be looking for someone to make up a dressage team and then they'd have to give you some team coaching/assessment at the very least. (No need for anyone on your yard to know whether that in fact is true. None of their business.) And if you don't want to jump, don't. Time for that another day/month/year if you fancy it. Horses are an expensive, time-consuming and not-especially-safe hobby. If it's yours, you deserve to enjoy it in your own way, not anyone else's. Shame on them!

I love your naivety that the OP is dealing with a business minded, fair and trustworthy YO. Considering the lesson she described, along with the price hike because she's told she's rubbish, I think she's dealing with a YN that's also a YO. I wouldn't be surprised if she's offered a lowball price for her horse sooner rather than later.

 

[Mary3050]

You should be able to pick and choose if you require full livery, it also means you can go further afield as you don't need to be there at certain times of the day. Why is this kid helping you get in if you're on full livery?

I need full livery with schooling but depending on my work load sometimes I can ride 5 days a week other I can ride once. I tend to just pay for full schooling livery so if I can’t get the horse get worked. I still have to bringing in if I want to ride

 

[doodle]

Have not read all replies but someone at yard approached me for her son to ride my horse at a schools comp. I said yes but as he hadn’t jumped in a few months he would need to ride him a few weeks before getting him back jumping. This turned into both livery and son taking over. Livery rode him too and I was expected to stand and watch while she schooled him. She totally took over and told me when I could ride my horse and what I had to do with him. How I should wash him down and rug him etc. Son wasn’t getting on with him and would keep not riding when he said he would. A couple of days before the big show I said they could no longer ride him as I felt horse was too strong and son too busy. Well, everything hit the fan. She went to various people saying how badly I treated my horse. I did not ride him enough and when I did, I didn’t do enough with him. Being nasty that I didn’t want to jump and saying I should be working him harder. I should sell him (to them) as he was so badly treated and I should buy myself a brain dead cob as that was all I could ride. Told the various people she was bitching to to work in me to sell him to her.

I was very upset. I did very nearly sell. Not to them tho! Livery then stopped talking to
Me. Eventually she bought her own horse. However it made me think sod you and I will enjoy my own horse the way I want and it actually pushed me and I got my confidence back hacking. She showed her true colours then and although she speaks to me now I keep my distance. It was really really hard to stand up to her and say they couldn’t ride him but it was the best thing I did.

 

[Muddywellies]

Thanks I am going to now. I am looking for another yard but no
Where can accommodate my needs or if they can it’s a hell of a dive away !

So then drive. Take ANYTHING to get out of this hell hole. Your own self respect, happiness, mental health etc etc are WORTH having to spend a bit longer in the car. If you don't take a stand and put yourself first, this will only continue and will get a whole lot worse. Look after yourself, put your own happiness first and get out.
Or if for some reason you want to stay, you're going to have to be very strong and sack your trainer and get rid of nasty mum. Id personally not tell anyone and just go! (Ivd done it myself)
Ps. There are a gazillion of us with confidence issues and who don't jump. So don't feel like you're not deserving of respect and kindness just because of this. I'd say youre almost in the majority tbh.

 

[Mary3050]

What a horrendous situation. Clearly moving needs to be a priority, and there's plenty of great 'meanwhile' advice for you here. But - surely your contract can't stop you joining an affiliated riding club? And having done so, they couldn't stop you attending official riding club activities? Some of which might just happen to be clinics... Who knows, they might just happen to be looking for someone to make up a dressage team and then they'd have to give you some team coaching/assessment at the very least. (No need for anyone on your yard to know whether that in fact is true. None of their business.) And if you don't want to jump, don't. Time for that another day/month/year if you fancy it. Horses are an expensive, time-consuming and not-especially-safe hobby. If it's yours, you deserve to enjoy it in your own way, not anyone else's. Shame on them!

Thanks I just have to do what people have said until I can get out . I will at joinging BD or something so I can go to clinics . I just like a little jump that’s it .

 

[Jellymoon]

Your being bullied my love and you need to move yards straight away, make it your mission to find somewhere. Does the horse really need schooling 5 days a week? Would part livery suffice? If you were round here, I can think of at least 5 decent yards who would make room for an extra horse or two on full livery. They may not tick every box, but would get you out of that awful toxic situation.
And there are so many nice things you can do with horses without jumping. There’s a yard here in my village where several ladies go off together on pleasure rides, they have a marvellous time. I don’t think any of them have lessons at all, let alone jump. They just enjoy their horses and do their own thing.
Also, I have learnt over the years, never offer horse people something for free unless they are a very very good friend. If you give an inch, they will take several miles, and be really horrible with it!!!!

 

[Mary3050]

I love your naivety that the OP is dealing with a business minded, fair and trustworthy YO. Considering the lesson she described, along with the price hike because she's told she's rubbish, I think she's dealing with a YN that's also a YO. I wouldn't be surprised if she's offered a lowball price for her horse sooner rather than later.

Oh the YO is far from a business minded , fair or trustworthy person. She is rude and such a spoilt brat it’s unreal . She acts like you own her everything and she always right. She has fell out with loads of nice people , kicked then off with days notice . Likes to do it when it’s an awkward time . So they had an issue with someone standing up to her about something she done with the horse. So she waited about 6 weeks as she knew she was going on holiday and gave her notice days before she was due to go away for 10 days. Awful to watching the women’s family went with out her. She slags all he clients off calls them then so horrific things behind there back. But form the outside the yard looks perfect everyone dancing to her tune etc

 

[Mary3050]

Have not read all replies but someone at yard approached me for her son to ride my horse at a schools comp. I said yes but as he hadn’t jumped in a few months he would need to ride him a few weeks before getting him back jumping. This turned into both livery and son taking over. Livery rode him too and I was expected to stand and watch while she schooled him. She totally took over and told me when I could ride my horse and what I had to do with him. How I should wash him down and rug him etc. Son wasn’t getting on with him and would keep not riding when he said he would. A couple of days before the big show I said they could no longer ride him as I felt horse was too strong and son too busy. Well, everything hit the fan. She went to various people saying how badly I treated my horse. I did not ride him enough and when I did, I didn’t do enough with him. Being nasty that I didn’t want to jump and saying I should be working him harder. I should sell him (to them) as he was so badly treated and I should buy myself a brain dead cob as that was all I could ride. Told the various people she was bitching to to work in me to sell him to her.

I was very upset. I did very nearly sell. Not to them tho! Livery then stopped talking to
Me. Eventually she bought her own horse. However it made me think sod you and I will enjoy my own horse the way I want and it actually pushed me and I got my confidence back hacking. She showed her true colours then and although she speaks to me now I keep my distance. It was really really hard to stand up to her and say they couldn’t ride him but it was the best thing I did.

Sounds very similar tbh . Glad you stuck with it and it worked okay in the end. I will man up and put a stop to it ! Xx

 

[emilylou]

Aww, I want to give you a hug! People can be so awful. Pack your horse up find somewhere new and stick the lot of them!
In the mean time I'd stop lessons with the 'instructor' and stop the kid riding altogether, you don't need the headache. Instructors should help you improve whatever level you are at and the mother is taking huge advantage of you

 

[cumbriamax]

Some posters have suggested continuing to let the child ride and put mum in her place and set clear ground rules.

I disagree, I think all input from mother and child must stop. It will get worse, and even if it does get better after discussion it will steadily get worse again. They are users! Free Riding and them naming the terms. What will happen if the child gets injured? I know you have probably thought of this but think of the legal position and check with insurer.

Good luck. Hope you find somewhere soon.

 

[Sprat]

This sort of thing absolutely makes my piss sting. YO / Instructor (same person?) sounds like a complete witch, please don't give her another penny of your money, also do not let yourself feel belittled and unworthy because of some rubbish that has come out of her mouth.

Raising lesson prices because you aren't good enough?! I've never heard the likes of it!

As for pushy mummy, I would just tell her it's not working and end the arrangement with immediate effect.

The yard sounds dreadful. I can't comprehend a YO who says that liveries aren't permitted to go to clinics elsewhere. I'm gobsmacked she has any liveries left to be honest. There will be other options out there for you, please don't be disheartened, somewhere will come up. I'd suggest stopping lessons with the dragon while you are looking for other options, start to slowly cut those ties and get the hell out of there as soon as you can

 

[Gamebird]

I do i also need someone who listens and doesn’t shout . Nottinghamshire but I work in South Yorkshire so a yard any where on that way would suit me fine. Just need full livery , signal turnout and able to work the horse if needed

Try Gamston Wood Livery near Retford - they have lots of like minded people there. Rachel the YO/instructor will fill you with confidence and help you do whatever you want to do - whether that is hacking, jumping or never jumping again! And she will be more than happy if you want to have a lesson elsewhere. They do lots of trips to (tiny) XC courses and the beach if that's your thing. They're on FB.

I'm in that rough area if you want any other suggestions. I'd be interested to know where you are currently if you want to PM me, if not, then that's totally understandable!! The Loose Box at South Wheatley would be another good yard for you - Rosie is very kind, patient encouraging instructor, and again they'd have lots of other like-minded liveries. They're on FB tooo.

I don't really comment on here any more, but your story is such a vile tale of bulling that I feel the need to offer some support!!

 

[Mary3050]

So then drive. Take ANYTHING to get out of this hell hole. Your own self respect, happiness, mental health etc etc are WORTH having to spend a bit longer in the car. If you don't take a stand and put yourself first, this will only continue and will get a whole lot worse. Look after yourself, put your own happiness first and get out.
Or if for some reason you want to stay, you're going to have to be very strong and sack your trainer and get rid of nasty mum. Id personally not tell anyone and just go! (Ivd done it myself)
Ps. There are a gazillion of us with confidence issues and who don't jump. So don't feel like you're not deserving of respect and kindness just because of this. I'd say youre almost in the majority tbh.

I wish it was that simple I couldn’t afford the other yard with the cots of fuel , then the limited time I would be able to ride due to how far it is. It’s 50 mins away if not more in bad traffic. I am gonna look for somewhere closer and just put up with it . Thanks good to know I love my dressage and a small jump . Fingeres crossed I will be out of there soon