Feeling like leaving the horse world !

[Annagain]

I agree with everyone who says run! Do you really need schooling livery - short term at least? Does he need to be kept working 5/6 days a week if it's just for you to do some dressage and low level show jumping? As long as he gets daily turnout, I wouldn't think it was the end of the world if he didn't get ridden? Ditching the need for him to be ridden might well make the search a bit easier?

I think Amber's Echo (Amber's Prosecco at the moment) is in that part of the world, she might be able to suggest yards if you pm her.

 

[PurBee]

It’s now in the contract that they can only go for PC or if she give approval. If we do she could kick us off and she is the type to do so. I can’t risk it as my field at home is part flooded and my oldies are on a small part that’s not and having to come into the stables now because of how poor the ground is this year ?

Take a look around home for fields that are not in use. Empty fields with grass. Approach the farm who owns that field and ask to rent it for the winter. You can move horse from yard and your oldies to that new field. they’ll all have company. You can trailer your working horse to a nearby yard you like to do lessons/arena work.

Is this not possible? Its worth a shot. We rarely go this route but its worth trying as there’s many fields farmers leave ‘naturally’ to avail of subsidies government provides for them to not use that land for tillage. This helps government statistics to say that theyve ‘secured’ so many thousands of acres back to ‘natural lands’.

You’ve git the nail on the head. You’ve noticed these folk being nasty to you and controlling of you since losing your confidence. It’s energetic in nature. Those people who have controlling, nasty tendencies ONLY direct those aspects of their personality to those people they ‘sense’ as ‘weaker’ than them. This is why you never get bully’s bullying bully’s! It’s due to your lost confidence, which translates to you not projecting a strong ego force at the moment due to the effects of your injury.
When at a very low confidence point in life i too experienced extreme nastiness from people, as they knew i wasn’tmin the mental/emotional/ego strength state to ‘fight back’.

So you have 2 choices.
Leave your yard....and these people behind. You break this pattern of them thinking they can bully you. You severe ties to that nonsense. You also at a new yard have a ‘fresh start’ with new people who won’t know if they can get away with bullying you because they dont know you. However, any bullying personalities on the new yard will sense your insecurity and you’re back to dealing with bullies....so we wonder....do i keep moving yards?

The best option is for you to stand up for yourself. Your confidence will grow the more you do this. Its hard at first, but bit by bit your confidence will return. Your horse is yours. So with the bullying mother, tell her ‘’sorry, my horse, i do what i want with my horse” - plainly and firmly. Watch her draw drop from being shocked she cant bully you any more.

Your instructor needs a good mouthful to be honest, and the yard set up not allowing other instructors in is ridiculous. So for these reasons i would leave the yard....rather than the bullying. You dont need a narcissist instructor...loving to make you feel inferior to prop up her fragile ego.

Truly, the answer to bullying is to be polite, firm and dead-pan serious. Dont stoop to their level. You have every right to have a supportive instructor and ride your horse when you want.
To gain these, a yard move is required.
To gain confidence and not have bully issues with witches, step up your ego...embrace your power and assert your rights.
You have to look out for you...the pain of your injury is understandably leaving you physically weakened, yet you still have rights and should be treated with respect, so imagine the courageous you, the you who will stand up for yourself and not take any cr*p...do this while not at the yard...no more ‘i cant cope’ thoughts...instead embrace ’i will tell them what im doing and what i want and they can lump it!’ .

You’ve had confidence before your injury so you know how it goes. Step by step your confidence will grow, tackle this head on with people and release yourself from the bullying. People will not harass those they sense are strong. That’s all you need to know. Source your courage and strength...it’s still in you...you’ve just mislaid it for a while.

big hugs x

 

[Mary3050]

Your being bullied my love and you need to move yards straight away, make it your mission to find somewhere. Does the horse really need schooling 5 days a week? Would part livery suffice? If you were round here, I can think of at least 5 decent yards who would make room for an extra horse or two on full livery. They may not tick every box, but would get you out of that awful toxic situation.
And there are so many nice things you can do with horses without jumping. There’s a yard here in my village where several ladies go off together on pleasure rides, they have a marvellous time. I don’t think any of them have lessons at all, let alone jump. They just enjoy their horses and do their own thing.
Also, I have learnt over the years, never offer horse people something for free unless they are a very very good friend. If you give an inch, they will take several miles, and be really horrible with it!!!!

Oh I am very aware there a bunch of bullies and I am the chosen victim . Sadly one has to be worked at least 5 days a week due to his health. I can’t mange them on part livery as my injury make it difficult to do the yard duties. Currently my partners struggling having a two retired ponies in and Shetland at night. I do morning feeds , rug up if needed and turn out in a morning . My partner does muck out when he get in from work and then walks the dog. My mum does then on her two days off and a friend kid comes and mucks them out on weekends we pay her but she gives them a pamper too. I love my dressage my horse also enjoys a jump and it improves his dressage. I don’t mind a small jump but I alway feel judged. My plans is to sell our place and get something bigger with enough land to have a school and a couple of livery so I can afford to have a member of staff but Covid put a stop to the house selling. I have definitely learnt my lesson thanks

 

[Kahlua]

Nothing to add with regards to advice as most of what I would recommend has been said (aka leave!), just make the best of it until another place comes along. Nobody has the right to tell you, or make you feel in a negative way that you should be doing better. A good instructor will call you out when you aren’t doing enough, but this one sounds like a complete twat.

Sack off the child and parent, someone that is hammering your horse because they don’t think you do or are good enough are also putting unnecessary wear and tear on your horse, which if an injury occurs you know darn well they will wash their own hands of.

Find somewhere that is the opposite of where you are. You will only gain your confidence back by moving on. Good luck!

 

[Mary3050]

I agree with everyone who says run! Do you really need schooling livery - short term at least? Does he need to be kept working 5/6 days a week if it's just for you to do some dressage and low level show jumping? As long as he gets daily turnout, I wouldn't think it was the end of the world if he didn't get ridden? Ditching the need for him to be ridden might well make the search a bit easier?

I think Amber's Echo (Amber's Prosecco at the moment) is in that part of the world, she might be able to suggest yards if you pm her.

Thanks sadly yes he has to be worked 5 days a week under vets advice. If not my life would be so much easier.
Thanks I will do.

 

[Annagain]

I don't know the area at all but just googled "schooling livery Nottinghamshire" and it came up with a fairly long list. Would any of these be suitable? You could also try the BHS website, they list approved yards.

https://www.google.com/search?safe=...m2!2m1!1e1!2m1!1e2!2m1!1e3!3sIAE,lf:1,lf_ui:2

and South Yorkshire here.
https://www.google.com/search?safe=...m2!2m1!1e1!2m1!1e2!2m1!1e3!3sIAE,lf:1,lf_ui:2

 

[Ownedby4horses]

OP, to add to my reply, get your house on the market asap. Houses are selling regardless of the virus and estate agents are putting in measures to make sure everyone is safe. Our house sale in the UK went through in September and we emigrated, there’s tons of people looking for houses, especially if you have the ponies at home (if I’ve read that right), lots of families wanting a place for ponies too! We had 5 buyers and it wasn’t a cheap house. It will relieve the pressure on you, your OH and get you all at home.

In the meantime, short term move, get off that yard x

 

[Jellymoon]

Oh I am very aware there a bunch of bullies and I am the chosen victim . Sadly one has to be worked at least 5 days a week due to his health. I can’t mange them on part livery as my injury make it difficult to do the yard duties. Currently my partners struggling having a two retired ponies in and Shetland at night. I do morning feeds , rug up if needed and turn out in a morning . My partner does muck out when he get in from work and then walks the dog. My mum does then on her two days off and a friend kid comes and mucks them out on weekends we pay her but she gives them a pamper too. I love my dressage my horse also enjoys a jump and it improves his dressage. I don’t mind a small jump but I alway feel judged. My plans is to sell our place and get something bigger with enough land to have a school and a couple of livery so I can afford to have a member of staff but Covid put a stop to the house selling. I have definitely learnt my lesson thanks

I’m so sorry, I didn’t meant to patronise you, I didn’t register that you are really into dressage. You probably wouldn’t be fulfilled as a happy hacker then!!
I still think you should leave though, they sound horrible, but if that really is totally impossible and too much to contemplate, then maybe it is time for a break. No harm is reassessing life and then if you want to take it up again in the future, you could find a nicer yard.

 

[Gingerwitch]

If this was someone else posting what advice would you give them ,?.
Take your tack home if it's on the yard. Say sorry to the girl's mother but your not having anymore to do as it's not working. Don't have anymore lessons say you have a bad leg or something if you need to keep em sweet and your giving ponio a break. And move as soon as you can. Can

 

[Gingerwitch]

Is this the same person who is taki g over your comp horse ?

 

[chocolategirl]

Hi guys ,
Been having a low point at the minute and it’s all because of the people in the horse world. I still enjoy my horse riding , grooming etc but I wonder if all the stress is worth it. Over the last few weeks I feel like the horse world is a horrible place right now. I mean people have always been bitchy but this seems unreal at the minute.

I mean even my riding instructor is being horrible and started charging me more because they says I require more work than other riders and she could have better clients than me in the time I take up. I am not the most confident rider especially when jumping. I also don’t fit with there usual clients as most compete and I am recovering from an injury. My flat works okay but I don’t have the confidence jumping. I spoke to them about this they agreed to just take it steady and not do anything I didn’t feel happy with. This lasted one or two sessions. Then this session she put so big jumps up like double the heigh jumped previously, awful lines, fillers and combos. No pole work before either . She just chucked them up and told me to get over them. Just stood shouting at me, telling me the horse can do it so I need to get a grip, kept saying it was a waste of time and wouldn’t put any of them down. The horse refused the same jump serval times she said it was all my fault . Then started saying the kid that has one lesson a week is a better rider for my horse than I am ! I am looking to move the horse so I can have lesson with someone else but it’s a slow process. But I felt so upset i didn’t ride for several days.

Then I have issues so this “friend”on the yard ask if her child could have a few lesson on my horse as there is off with an injury and the other pony the kid won’t ride as it chucked her off and she lost her confidence. I stupidly said yes but it had to on a day that I wasn’t riding. I like the kid she will help me out when I need brings the horse in if I am late from work and grooms which is a help. But the mother is driving me mad . So the other week she booked a lesson on my day off and didn’t ask me. Then when I found out she said I should ride him as well ! Then there’s all the comments about how her kid jumps him better. Now there expecting me to tell them my plan to ride for two weeks prior . Which I don’t know with work. The mother is wanting more and more all the time. So they where wanting to know if they can borrow the horse to go to a clinic on Sunday else where. When I said I may be taking him to hire a school else with friend she wasn’t happy. She spat the dummy out big time because the days I said they could ride this week don’t work for them. Then I have a Christmas assisted clear round booked at the yard Saturday everyone’s doing it. There having a bit of a day food, drinks socially distanced, Christmas dress up etc , then the clear round. They have opened it up to external people to do the clear round so it’s booked all day now. I am looking forward to it they will be what ever height the riders want and then later on there doing a chase me Charlie ( which I won’t be doing ) . The mother turned around and went are you even gonna make it over a jump with out having a melt down. Which I can do as long as the jumps aren’t over 40cm. She then said that her kid would do a better job. She basically trying to bully me into letting the kid ride my boy and not me cose all the slots are booked. I know the kid really wants to ride so I said that she can help decorate the horse and she can use some of my glitter and stuff to do her pony to. I said I would let the kid take my boy for a hack up the lane as there’s a nice spot for a photo and I would lead her pony and get her some nice pictures. The kids more than happy however the mum isn’t. I have had enough just want to say no more but I feel bad for the child.

Then I am sick of all the comments about my riding. My decisions with my horse. How I don’t ride one and don’t jump high on the other. How I am not helping out enough I pay for everything to be done etc. I am just so fed up

I was screaming at my iPad reading your post! You’re right you’re being bullied, but there’s only one person who can put a stop to this, and that’s you! Stand up to these f**k wits before they do serious damage to your mental health. It’s YOUR horse, so YOUR choices! Tell them straight I beg you. I’m a YO and I’ve seen bullying like this on the odd occasion, but one thing I do know, is that it’ll only go on as long as you allow it, and it’ll get worse, trust me, you need to get a grip of this ASAP. You’ve accepted your riding limitations and that’s fine, do not under any circumstances feel they’re any better than you, they’re not ? and your RI? I’m speechless tbh, she needs reporting to the BHS assuming she’s fully qualified though them? Don’t allow yourself to be the victim any longer, I know it’s hard, I’ve been there, but trust me, once you stand up to them, it’ll feel so much better ??

 

[Gingerwitch]

I was screaming at my iPad reading your post! You’re right you’re being bullied, but there’s only one person who can put a stop to this, and that’s you! Stand up to these f**k wits before they do serious damage to your mental health. It’s YOUR horse, so YOUR choices! Tell them straight I beg you. I’m a YO and I’ve seen bullying like this on the odd occasion, but one thing I do know, is that it’ll only go on as long as you allow it, and it’ll get worse, trust me, you need to get a grip of this ASAP. You’ve accepted your riding limitations and that’s fine, do not under any circumstances feel they’re any better than you, they’re not ? and your RI? I’m speechless tbh, she needs reporting to the BHS assuming she’s fully qualified though them? Don’t allow yourself to be the victim any longer, I know it’s hard, I’ve been there, but trust me, once you stand up to them, it’ll feel so much better ??

I get why she puts up with it till she can find a bolt hole. To be faced with rehoming a horse overnight is scary, but I think op has more than 1 ?

 

[honetpot]

Yep I will try to stop pleasing others I never used to take any crap but my accident has left me feel in a bad head space my confidence has gone my trust in my riding ability has gone . Yep I think I have to put a stop it it . I think I felt sorry for the kid after having a confidence crisis after an accident like me. But now it’s add more stress. There one of the worst I have had tbh but I she doesn’t want to teach me . It’s her yard and we aren’t allowed people on for lesson she basically said she doesn’t see the point in teaching me . We aren’t allowed to clinic unless in PC !

Having animals of any sort for the most of us is about pleasure. What do you want, and also what is an achievable goal? If you want to sit in a stable and watch your horse eat, and that is all, its no ones business but yours, as long as the horse is well looked after.
If the YO doesn't want to teach you, and the lessons are of no benefit to you, I would stop, and look for somewhere else. Having lessons is only a good thing if you progress or get some benefit from them. It's quite possible to improve your riding by reading books, and youtube lessons, and I would have a browse and see it there is anything that makes you think, that could be me, or I understand that.
You sound as if you lack confidence in your own opinions, you are the customer, and although the customer is not always right, you do have a right to complain it you are not getting the service you paid for, and go else where, and wouldn't be taking any s*** , from someone I had paid to help me. You don't have to be rude, just say this is isn't working for me, and I am not progressing.

 

[Kipper's Dick]

I was screaming at my iPad reading your post! You’re right you’re being bullied, but there’s only one person who can put a stop to this, and that’s you! Stand up to these f**k wits before they do serious damage to your mental health. It’s YOUR horse, so YOUR choices! Tell them straight I beg you. I’m a YO and I’ve seen bullying like this on the odd occasion, but one thing I do know, is that it’ll only go on as long as you allow it, and it’ll get worse, trust me, you need to get a grip of this ASAP. You’ve accepted your riding limitations and that’s fine, do not under any circumstances feel they’re any better than you, they’re not ? and your RI? I’m speechless tbh, she needs reporting to the BHS assuming she’s fully qualified though them? Don’t allow yourself to be the victim any longer, I know it’s hard, I’ve been there, but trust me, once you stand up to them, it’ll feel so much better ??

I was screaming at my iPad reading your post! You’re right you’re being bullied, but there’s only one person who can put a stop to this, and that’s you! Stand up to these f**k wits before they do serious damage to your mental health. It’s YOUR horse, so YOUR choices! Tell them straight I beg you. I’m a YO and I’ve seen bullying like this on the odd occasion, but one thing I do know, is that it’ll only go on as long as you allow it, and it’ll get worse, trust me, you need to get a grip of this ASAP. You’ve accepted your riding limitations and that’s fine, do not under any circumstances feel they’re any better than you, they’re not ? and your RI? I’m speechless tbh, she needs reporting to the BHS assuming she’s fully qualified though them? Don’t allow yourself to be the victim any longer, I know it’s hard, I’ve been there, but trust me, once you stand up to them, it’ll feel so much better ??

 

[neddy man]

These may help www.*******.co.uk & www.*******.co.uk

 

[Kipper's Dick]

Sorry, have quoted Chocolategirl twice, but totally agree! Be polite and assertive, but don't be the victim here! Chin up and stand firm.

 

[paddy555]

I haven't read most of the replies but I do remember having a similar post from this poster a while ago and I think the general advice was to change yards.

 

[chocolategirl]

I get why she puts up with it till she can find a bolt hole. To be faced with rehoming a horse overnight is scary, but I think op has more than 1 ?

The problem is that could take months?

 

[vhf]

I love your naivety that the OP is dealing with a business minded, fair and trustworthy YO. Considering the lesson she described, along with the price hike because she's told she's rubbish, I think she's dealing with a YN that's also a YO. I wouldn't be surprised if she's offered a lowball price for her horse sooner rather than later.

Yeah, I was trying to be fair-minded and not my usual cynical self...

 

[Kipper's Dick]

And just to add in a story here - many years ago I went into a Post Office to post a parcel for work. To be met by the most bad tempered and rude lady behind the counter. Came out of the PO, walked ten steps along the pavement, thinking of what I 'should' have said to her, when I thought 'stuff this for a bowl of parsnips', marched back to my office and rang the manager of the Post Office. Told him that as a customer I did not expect or deserve such rudeness. He agreed with me, said he'd talk to the member of staff in question. Don't know whether he did or not, but the interesting thing is how it made me feel. It made me feel a whole lot better!
Followed much the same policy ever since. Don't be a victim in life, stand up for yourself, you really do deserve better.

 

[vhf]

Oh the YO is far from a business minded , fair or trustworthy person. She is rude and such a spoilt brat it’s unreal . She acts like you own her everything and she always right. She has fell out with loads of nice people , kicked then off with days notice . Likes to do it when it’s an awkward time . So they had an issue with someone standing up to her about something she done with the horse. So she waited about 6 weeks as she knew she was going on holiday and gave her notice days before she was due to go away for 10 days. Awful to watching the women’s family went with out her. She slags all he clients off calls them then so horrific things behind there back. But form the outside the yard looks perfect everyone dancing to her tune etc

I have personal experience of a YO/YM who in retrospect clearly had some serious mental health issues, but for us on the sharp end, it was a nightmare of never knowing what was going to happen next, but generally not a dissimilar story. I left... You will come out of this a stronger person. (Keep repeating that!)

 

[Goldenstar]

You are able to solve all these issues .
You don’t like the yard owner , move yards .
You don’t get / enjoy with the trainer don’t go .
If having another person riding the horse does not suit just tell the mother the arrangement is over .
I really can’t see the issue or why it’s a problem with the horse world it’s a problem with you and you not getting yourself into a suitable situation that allows you to enjoy your horse .
Don't moan get up and make a plan to make things better .

 

[Gingerwitch]

The problem is that could take months?

I know.... If it's 1 only to find a space for that's doable but when your at 2, 3 or more you really struggle and if a yard has space unless its brand new for multi horses you think frying pan lol x

 

[Arzada]

make a plan to make things better .

There are a number of things that need fixing and a step by step plan will help you achieve success rather than being overwhelmed by the whole. Things which you have raised and have been given valuable advice on are
1. move yards asap
2. stop having lessons at your current yard
3. advise the mother that your horse is no longer available. This will be hard and you may well be tempted to reach some sort of compromise. I wouldn't. You may need to mentally rehearse/write down various scenarios around this this so that you are as well prepared as possible and in the right frame of mind for dealing with her
4. Forget about moving house until you have dealt with the above

You haven't said why your horse needs to be worked 5/6 days pw. Would it be possible for your horse to live out eg on a track system, on a hill and stay fit that way. At least as a temporary measure just to get you off this yard.

I think you need to gain confidence from sorting one thing and then move on to the next with some success under your belt. For me the priority would be to find a yard and move asap. In one fell swoop that will sort numbers 2 and 3 without you having to deal with the the YO/Instructor and the mother. You may find a couple of suitable new yards so if you take one always remember the other because that gives you a plan B if things go wrong. I always have a plan B.

 

[Country Mouse]

Your being bullied my love and you need to move yards straight away, make it your mission to find somewhere. Does the horse really need schooling 5 days a week? Would part livery suffice? If you were round here, I can think of at least 5 decent yards who would make room for an extra horse or two on full livery. They may not tick every box, but would get you out of that awful toxic situation.
And there are so many nice things you can do with horses without jumping. There’s a yard here in my village where several ladies go off together on pleasure rides, they have a marvellous time. I don’t think any of them have lessons at all, let alone jump. They just enjoy their horses and do their own thing.
Also, I have learnt over the years, never offer horse people something for free unless they are a very very good friend. If you give an inch, they will take several miles, and be really horrible with it!!!!

That is what I used to do. A small group of us, not always the same people, went away hacking sometimes for two or three hours. No lessons, no jumping, just great fun and a good natter. We've even called in at a pub. Having a horse should be fun, do'n't feel that you have to have lessons, go out and enjoy your horse. Find a yard with good hacking, and go enjoy yourself. Your confidence will come back and you will enjoy riding again. Lessons are a side dish not the main meal.

 

[Crazy_cat_lady]

I'm another who doesn't jump! I used to and have photos of me on H jumping around 1m, however he was prone to stopping so I was always wary my bottle then completely went so I now don't jump.

We have lots of fun with poles! There are so many pole exercises you can do, if you manage to get another yard and instructor, you could ask them to show you some. Then if you fancy popping a little cross pole then you could always do it outside a lesson for the time being then only YOU can set the height.

What would the instructor say if you ask to just focus on flatwork for your lessons? I have the occasional lessons and we either do pole work, or we do flat exercises.

I'd stop the child riding your horse as well, no one rides my horse bar me, he's older so doesn't misbehave if I just ride a couple of times a week. I've never been one for having anyone else ride him, if you're feeling worried about atmosphere could you say something about insurance? If you do want her to carry on riding him id be presenting them with a written contract specifying the exact days and things she can do with him! Then it's in writing, it's something I'd be tempted to do anyway as if any tack/ child/ horse got damaged you can bet mother from hell would cause problems!

What's the hacking like near your yard? I mainly hack and in your situation would be going off for some lovely long hacks on my own, then no one could bother me! If you like schooling you can school on hacks too

 

[Abby-Lou]

What rude instructor please ditch her ! you don't need toxic people in your life. And as for the mother of child she can save her pennies up for her own horse. You crack on and enjoy your horse and do exactly what you want to do and if its a small jump so what or a plod around you go for it girl ! you don't need to put up with this nonsense.

 

[AmyMay]

Just grow some balls and tell people to f**k off.

Ditch your trainer as clearly you are both annoyed with each other and its not working. Ditch the mother and do what you want. You pay for this, so do what you want. Who cares? You are spending far too much energy worrying rather than just staying in the present and enjoying what you do.

Who cares if people say you are s**t? What are you going to do about it? Let it paralyse you and give up riding or just get on with it and actually enjoy what you do?

Only YOU can make the change in how people treat you. Only YOU can change other peoples behaviour towards you.

Succinct and to the point.

I’m actually pretty astounded that you’d let anyone treat or speak to you this way....

 

[Gingerwitch]

Succinct and to the point.

I’m actually pretty astounded that you’d let anyone treat or speak to you this way....

If your struggling with an injury have lost your confidence sometimes you can end up doing nothing as your like the donkey and two piles of hay. You want to speak up but then scare yourself that your animals will end up tied to the gate, do you try not to rock the boat, it's a vicious cycle.

 

[Muddywellies]

Can I just say, quite a few people have used terms like 'get a grip', 'tell them to fk off' etc etc. It's really not that simple. Many of us are literally terrified of any sort of confrontation so this really isn't helpful. Obviously the common theme here is to leave, and I advised this in my post earlier. But telling people to fk off? No, just quietly find another yard without drawing attention to yourself and quietly slope off. When I've had to do this I start 'smuggling' some of my equipment away each evening so when it comes to leaving day, I can beat a hasty retreat pretty swiftly. But as I mentioned earlier, you need to get out of there pdq as this toxic environment will break you. You sound like such a lovely kind person and other yards will love having you join them. Also, the wrong yard seriously impacts on your relationship with your horse. On the right yard you will blossom. Believe me, I'm speaking from experience here.