Grief due to loss of horse

[SO1]

I had to PTS my equine companion of 15 years yesterday. The vet thinks he had nerve damage which prevented his stomach from emptying properly. There was no treatment we had tried a special diet and the gastric impaction returned. I decided to let him go before he started to feel pain and colic. He looked amazing.

https://epub.ub.uni-muenchen.de/53018/

The tears and pain over the last few days have been really bad. The YO and other liveries have been amazing. YO has called me twice a day to check on me since diagnosis which was Tues. The other liveries made sure there was always someone at the yard when I was there to give me support. I did not cry when with him to make sure he didn't feel my sadness. I took the time off work so I could spend all day with him during the last few days

I live alone so staying with my sister for a few days.

All I do is cry. When do you start to feel better any tips on how to cope?. I was at the yard most days for the last 15 years so big change in routine as well as missing my dear friend.

 

[Red-1]

I am sorry for the loss of your horse. It sounds like the people at the yard were great, as is your sister.

I would give yourself permission for now to simply cry it out.

I don't think we ever stop missing souls who have passed. However, as life goes on, other things take our attention so the hole that has been left seems not to be as large.

In a similar situation, I found getting into a routine helped. At first, it was just to ensure I had a shower a day, a push of the hoover a day and spoke to someone outside my house every day. At first, that was a big effort. It did, however mean I had done something, however small.

 

[milliepops]

I would give yourself permission for now to simply cry it out.

I don't think we ever stop missing souls who have passed. However, as life goes on, other things take our attention so the hole that has been left seems not to be as large.

.

this.
I think it's particularly hard to let one go that looks well, even if you know they are not, it feels like playing god. It helped me to remember that was my absolute privilege as an owner though, a great responsibility discharged at the right moment.

And then let the tears come, no shame in doing some ugly crying particularly at this early point. Red's point about carving out a new routine, however small and mundane it is to begin with, is a good one to just ensure you keep putting one foot in front of the other.

 

[Mrs. Jingle]

I am so sorry you are hurting so badly. Grief for the loss of a much loved animal or a loved one can destroy us if we do not allow ourselves the time to grieve and come to terms with the huge hole it leaves in our lives.

Very wise words from Red-1, for me also key has been trying to set just one small task a day and if I cry for the rest of the day it doesn't matter and you do need to allow yourself to do that, then at least I can think 'well I managed X today'. Each day I manage a little more and cry a little less.

It is natures way that we grieve if we have loved, and the more we have loved the greater the grief, but that love and grief is also a testament to the relationship and bond you had with your beloved horse. It takes a very brave and caring owner to let their horse go when all hope is lost. Go easy on yourself and know that you absolutely did the right thing.

 

[Baywonder]

Oh @SO1 I am so, so sorry you have lost your horse.

The grief from losing your equine best friend is, especially in the early days, so difficult to process. Horsey friends totally understand, but non-horsey people can have problems understanding the gravity of the situation and the effect it can have on you.

I lost my old boy in almost identical circumstances. A few hours after he had been PTS someone (non-horsey) said to me "You can always get another horse" I seriously felt like flattening him. In an instant I had lost my horse of a lifetime, and the daily routine that went with it - and I felt completely lost. For me, I threw myself into studying to try and fill the gap.

SO1, please just do what feels right for you. Cry, cry, and cry some more if you want to, and don't be afraid to take some time out for yourself.

Whilst we are all here to listen and offer our support, I am glad you have your sister and friends to support you IRL too.

It was such a heart-breaking decision for you to make, but ultimately the right one for your beloved horse.

 

[palo1]

Losing a dear friend, whether equine, canine or human is devastating. Making the right decision for your friend is also hugely stressful so you probably need many tears to flow and much rest to be had. Thankfully most of here know how it feels to lose not only a very much loved friend but also the routine of care and activity that goes with that. It is not a small thing. Please look after yourself, talk (on here if it helps), weep as much as you need to. It gets easier to bear, it really does but it takes time. Grief is the price we pay for love and your horse was so lucky to have you at his side all of this time. Now you should do whatever you need to come to terms with that loss. I don't think they ever leave us emotionally and I very much believe that when my own time comes, my friends will be waiting somewhere; I find that helps me but we are all different - there are many ways to grieve and come to terms with loss. please don't think there is a right or wrong way.

 

[Barton Bounty]

You dont start to feel better until you start remembering all the amazing times you had, its hard at first but you will get there, we have all been there on this forum with our own furry friends. Feel free to post about your happy times if it makes you feel a wee bit better, we all would love to see your lovely memorable photos

 

[meleeka]

Just recognise every stage has to be gone through before you can move on to the next, and towards remembering the good times. You will come to realise you were actually lucky to have owned him, not unlucky to have lost him. I remember feeling awful guilt which I now know was perfectly normal, but at the time it knocked me sideways. My best advice is to lean on others, don’t be afraid to let the tears flow and don’t be worried about talking about it/him too much. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and try and see one positive in each day. x

 

[Peglo]

So sorry to hear of your loss. Don’t put any pressure on yourself. If you need to cry, cry. If something makes you smile don’t feel guilty about it, smile. If you can’t cope to look at pictures of your horse just don’t do it yet. If all you can do is look at pictures of your horse, do it.

everyone deals with grief differently and so just do whatever you need to.
And know we’re always here for you.

 

[JumpTheMoon1]

Time will heal but for now you must grieve and cry and go through the whole process.Its cruel but its the price we pay when we love something dearly.You need private time alone to cherish and lock in your heart the special memories you had with your horse.Once locked away nobody can steal them and they will be with you always.The happy memories will bring comfort when the grief has eased.
Be easy on yourself .

 

[Pearlsasinger]

I'm sorry for your loss.
Everyone is different, there is no set timescale for grief but I find it useful to concentrate on good memories, when having a bad moment.

 

[MiJodsR2BlinkinTite]

Soohh sooh sorry. There is just grief like losing a horse, and if you've been there, you've been there.

Grief is a horrible process and is something you will need to allow yourself to go through. It has various stages, and right now with this recent loss you are in what is termed the "Acute" stage.

Give yourself time to cry, to grieve, and even to be angry about it if that is what you need, because frequently anger is a by-product of the whole grieving process where is there is this sense of the unfairness of it all...... you need to let your psyche process all of it. It isn't easy.

It is good that your Yard are being supportive of you at this time.

Ohh and one thing I would say to you is to be very aware of what you listen to on the car radio etc., even the perfume you wear and the clothes you're wearing - this might sound a silly thing to say - but these things can act as a trigger to remind you of the memory possibly many years from now; for example right back when I lost my little first-pony, if I hear any of the songs of the late '80's if I'm driving along, say, that will take me right back to that time......... ditto perfume. Because our senses pick up stuff like this. I say this because even now if I'm somewhere and hear a song that was being played/was around when I lost one of my horses, that can send me right back into that "first stage of grief" situation all over again, and I can suddenly end up in floods of tears. I hope I am being sensitive when I say this.......... I'm a person with a musical mind and cannot help but "hear" music if it is around me. If this doesn't make sense to you, not a problem, it is the way that it affected me.

Take good care of yourself. Feeling your pain; it is almost exactly a year since I had to make a tough decision about my old gal - and a week later (on the 30th July - same date as today) had to make a sad choice about my little dog too. So I'm feeling a bit leary today, and understanding where you are at.

XXX

 

[Barton Bounty]

Time will heal but for now you must grieve and cry and go through the whole process.Its cruel but its the price we pay when we love something dearly.You need private time alone to cherish and lock in your heart the special memories you had with your horse.Once locked away nobody can steal them and they will be with you always.The happy memories will bring comfort when the grief has eased.
Be easy on yourself .

Thats a beautiful post ?

 

[PapaverFollis]

I'm so sorry for your loss. It is so heartbreaking. I think I might have cried at least daily for a week or more when I lost Granny horse, I can't really remember. It might have been a month! It is a blur now. I ate a lot! Then the crying got a bit less frequent but I got really angry too, that lasted longer. I was flying off the handle at people. It was really bad actually. But some people on my yard were really insensitive about the whole thing which didn't help! I had to keep going to the yard to look after my other horse but actually, for me, I'd have been better off completely out of that situation.

Cry as much as you need to. Don't be surprised or worried if you don't feel like yourself for a while. I'm not sure it ever goes away completely, I still get a heavy heart when I think about my girl, but it does get easier with time.

I'm so sorry. You made a brave decision for your gorgeous horse. Look after yourself. x

 

[SO1]

Yes this is the problem he didn't look ill even though his stomach was broken. He looked and felt amazing but his stomach was a ticking time bomb and would have caused him pain colic and rupture at some point in the future if I had not let him go.

Here we are on our last ride together yesterday

À

this.
I think it's particularly hard to let one go that looks well, even if you know they are not, it feels like playing god. It helped me to remember that was my absolute privilege as an owner though, a great responsibility discharged at the right moment.

And then let the tears come, no shame in doing some ugly crying particularly at this early point. Red's point about carving out a new routine, however small and mundane it is to begin with, is a good one to just ensure you keep putting one foot in front of the other.

 

[SEL]

I'm so sorry. It feels like they've taken a piece of your heart when they go and grief can hit out of the blue. Time helps xxx

 

[black and brown]

I'm so sorry for your loss. The love you felt for your horse comes through in every post. Take things at your own pace and with time it does get easier and your happy memories emerge xx

 

[Sossigpoker]

I'm so so sorry. It took me years to be able to talk about my old horse without crying.
Please give yourself permission to grieve and express that grief however it needs to come out. Grief is no different when it's your dog , horse, cousin or granny , grief is grief and there's no right or wrong way to feel.
Don't be hard on yourself , let yourself be sad.

I hate to add such a cliché, but time really is a healer and there will come a day where you don't feel like crying all the time but that day doesn't have to be today, next week or even next month.

 

[Peregrine Falcon]

My heart felt like it had been ripped apart when I made the decision to let Flicka go. Numb, couldn't speak about her without bursting into tears, turned off the radio in the car-didn't want to hear any music. I went down to the field-sobbing as I drove down the track, had a good cry with the other ponies, took her name off the whiteboard, took her name tag down by the headcollars, hid her bridle and scrubbed her buckets that evening.

I went back to work the following day, I needed routine to keep me going. The more I spoke about it, the easier it became to talk about her.

There is honestly no right or wrong way to grieve. At the moment your grief is raw so if you need to cry then do. It does start to ease with time. I still can well up when I tell people, it's been 2 months since she went. I hadn't yet been able to look through all my pictures of her as it hurts too much but I managed to do it after I lost Benji a few days after.

What made it worse for me is that my son's outgrown pony went to her new home 9 days later. The pain intensified. Walking through their empty field was awful but I had to do it.

Just take it one day at a time. Once you start to get over, "they've been gone a day, a week, 2 weeks, a month etc ", you can start to move forward.

 

[NinjaPony]

It’s so painful. There is a part of you that doesn’t heal, you just learn to live with it. I’ve copied with my overwhelming grief in several ways:
Unhelpful: drinking gin and tonics whilst crying in the bath, watching New Girl at all hours of the day, listening to ‘cardigan’ by Taylor Swift on repeat, refusing to talk about it with anyone

Helpful: writing (stories, poems, musings), getting my cat who has filled my flat with love, taking up cross stitch, putting his photo up everywhere, taking weekly riding lessons even though it causes me a lot of pain.

18 months later and I still feel like someone has punched a hole in my chest sometimes, but I no longer feel like I’m drowning. For me, it was the loss of my riding lifestyle that hurt as much as anything else. I keep positive with the belief that I will get another horse again and I’m a much better rider and owner because of him. I know it won’t be the same though, he was my once in a lifetime. Allow yourself to feel the pain, and try and find a way of putting your feelings into an action or a creative outlet. Most of all, be kind to yourself and don’t let anyone make you feel like you are overreacting. It’s a huge loss.

 

[Tracking_up]

I can't add further to the excellent advice above, but just to say thinking of you.

 

[southerncomfort]

Nothing to add, just wanted to send a hug. Xx

 

[Caol Ila]

Discovering that my two-year old filly was in foal on the same day I put my 28-year old mare to sleep was... something. The vet saying she was due that week was also something. It certainly screwed up my plans of not getting out of bed for a week. I don't recommend that method, though.

I did not deal with Gypsum's stable or her stuff for about six weeks. I couldn't look at it. But I could not keep away from riding, and one of my friends was generous enough to let me ride her horse, frequently, until I found my Highland. I only went into Gypsum's stable the day before Fin moved into it. It was the right time to face it (and I had no choice because I had to sort it out for him). I slowly started selling off her things - most of her stuff won't fit Fin or Hermosa.

Also, lots of wine and whisky, but that's probably up there with unexpected BOGOF foals as not recommended.

 

[Meredith]

Thinking of you xx

 

[eahotson]

Losing a dear friend, whether equine, canine or human is devastating. Making the right decision for your friend is also hugely stressful so you probably need many tears to flow and much rest to be had. Thankfully most of here know how it feels to lose not only a very much loved friend but also the routine of care and activity that goes with that. It is not a small thing. Please look after yourself, talk (on here if it helps), weep as much as you need to. It gets easier to bear, it really does but it takes time. Grief is the price we pay for love and your horse was so lucky to have you at his side all of this time. Now you should do whatever you need to come to terms with that loss. I don't think they ever leave us emotionally and I very much believe that when my own time comes, my friends will be waiting somewhere; I find that helps me but we are all different - there are many ways to grieve and come to terms with loss. please don't think there is a right or wrong way.

I do hope you are right.

 

[eahotson]

I had to PTS my equine companion of 15 years yesterday. The vet thinks he had nerve damage which prevented his stomach from emptying properly. There was no treatment we had tried a special diet and the gastric impaction returned. I decided to let him go before he started to feel pain and colic. He looked amazing.

https://epub.ub.uni-muenchen.de/53018/

The tears and pain over the last few days have been really bad. The YO and other liveries have been amazing. YO has called me twice a day to check on me since diagnosis which was Tues. The other liveries made sure there was always someone at the yard when I was there to give me support. I did not cry when with him to make sure he didn't feel my sadness. I took the time off work so I could spend all day with him during the last few days

I live alone so staying with my sister for a few days.

All I do is cry. When do you start to feel better any tips on how to cope?. I was at the yard most days for the last 15 years so big change in routine as well as missing my dear friend.

I am so very sorry.It hurts like he'll doesn't it.

 

[Barton Bounty]

Yes this is the problem he didn't look ill even though his stomach was broken. He looked and felt amazing but his stomach was a ticking time bomb and would have caused him pain colic and rupture at some point in the future if I had not let him go.

Here we are on our last ride together yesterday

À

This made me cry, so sad for you

 

[scats]

I’m so sorry SO1, it’s just awful saying goodbye.
I’ve had to make the call far too many times, but I will be forever broken by having to say goodbye to Diva. It does get easier, I promise, but it takes time.
Take care xx

 

[Bernster]

?

 

[ycbm]

It hurts so much because you loved him so much. He'll have known that. So sorry SO1.