Grief due to loss of horse

[misst]

SO1 so very sorry for your loss. It is so hard. I still cry years later about our boys when I read things like you have written. Your video is lovely what a beauty he was and so well looking. It does get better slowly, imperceptibly, but it happens. One day you suddenly realise you have gone a whole hour/afternoon/day without that pain, then it is a week and then one day you realise you are ok. It took me a long long time, probably a year or so, and as I said I can still well up and feel so sad when I see others suffering the same. It is part of loving them and the price we pay for sharing our lives with these beautiful fragile creatures. Reach out to others and do what you need to do. It is ok to grieve for as long as you need.

 

[misst]

OrangeAndLemon I am so sorry you must be in total shock. I feel for you too so much x

 

[palo1]

Yes, I can still cry so easily for the ones that have gone but eventually you can think of them with joy and thankfulness too. Not a day goes by when I don't think of the dogs and horses that I have had to say goodbye to, but over time it becomes much easier to think of them until you can do that with happy memories. It does get better but only time can make that happen sadly.

 

[spotty_pony]

So sorry for your loss, makes it so much harder when they don’t even look ill - I’ve been there myself. Everybody grieves at different rates and in different ways so there is no right and wrong way or any time limit to it. I tried to keep myself busy and limited the time I spent talking about it. I also bought a mini apple tree in his memory as he loved apples which now lives at the stables and I look after that and it reminds me of him. I do have another horse, but that is my concern as to what I will do if I lose him. Is there any way you can help look after another horse/rehome one if you feel ready? It’s such a big part of our lives to lose that sometimes having another focus helps us to move on easier. Big hugs, pm me if you want to chat.

 

[MidChristmasCrisis]

You did the right thing at the right time…my mares stomach ruptured….if I dwelt on it I would drive myself demented with what we both went through in those last few hours. To help myself I don’t think about it..I had my daughters horse to look after so just got my head down and did it. I avoided my mares stable for a couple of weeks…and I started the search for my new horsey friend..and found her within a couple of months… I think compartmentalising helped me. I’m sorry you are feeling so sad…think of the good ..not the bad. Have a hug.

 

[SO1]

I think from your posts on the delayed gastric emptying thread your horse had the same rare condition as mine but I was "lucky" enough to have it diagnosed before it got to the situation you sadly were in so I could let him go before his stomach ruptured and whilst he was still well. That has given me some comfort so sorry you lost your horse in such tragic circumstances.

I can't believe I never stroke his face again or cuddle him.

You did the right thing at the right time…my mares stomach ruptured….if I dwelt on it I would drive myself demented with what we both went through in those last few hours. To help myself I don’t think about it..I had my daughters horse to look after so just got my head down and did it. I avoided my mares stable for a couple of weeks…and I started the search for my new horsey friend..and found her within a couple of months… I think compartmentalising helped me. I’m sorry you are feeling so sad…think of the good ..not the bad. Have a hug.

 

[Sealine]

So sorry for your loss. As others have said, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Do what feels right for you.

 

[SO1]

So I am still feeling very sad in the mornings and evenings.

Tomorrow I need to return home to London.

The fallen stock company still have his ashes as they are waiting for his name plate to arrive. My sister helped me clear space for him in my bedroom. The slight issue is that I live in a flat so and I understand they are very heavy so not sure how easy it will to get them up the stairs there is no lift in the flat and I live on my own.

The fallen stock services people don't use a courier thankfully they deliver themselves so when I spoke to the lady she said she will help find a way to get him into my bedroom.

A group of liveries are organising a beach ride at a trekking centre on Sunday so they invited me. I am going to go it will be good to have company.

Also one of the staff there has recommended counselling and says she knows someone who had it following the loss of his horse and will ask who he used.

 

[Barton Bounty]

So I am still feeling very sad in the mornings and evenings.

Tomorrow I need to return home to London.

The fallen stock company still have his ashes as they are waiting for his name plate to arrive. My sister helped me clear space for him in my bedroom. The slight issue is that I live in a flat so and I understand they are very heavy so not sure how easy it will to get them up the stairs there is no lift in the flat and I live on my own.

The fallen stock services people don't use a courier thankfully they deliver themselves so when I spoke to the lady she said she will help find a way to get him into my bedroom.

A group of liveries are organising a beach ride at a trekking centre on Sunday so they invited me. I am going to go it will be good to have company.

Also one of the staff there has recommended counselling and says she knows someone who had it following the loss of his horse and will ask who he used.

That is understandable still to be upset, a huge part of your life has gone, i think it will be great for your own mental health to get out and go on a little pleasure ride. Hopefully someone will help with the ashes, maybe a neighbour ?

 

[fiwen30]

The Blue Cross have a free pet bereavement service, either by phone, email, or webchat. It might be a useful way to triage your grief for now, until you’re able to get regular professional support in place. Thinking of you xxx

 

[JoannaC]

Saskia I totally get your grief. I'm not sure if Shida was before your time at Anne's but the grief when I lost her was no less than when I lost my mum especially as she helped me through that time in my life. She was my world, my life revolved around her and similarly to your situation it was a rollercoaster for a few weeks when she might be getting better and then she wasn't. The grief did last a long time and hit me in waves but getting Ishara and her being a half sister did help a lot. I liked that she was related but at the same time quite different. Nothing will replace Homey but hopefully in time you will find a new friend whether related or not. When the time is right i'm sure something will fall into place. xxx

 

[HelenBack]

The Blue Cross have a free pet bereavement service, either by phone, email, or webchat. It might be a useful way to triage your grief for now, until you’re able to get regular professional support in place. Thinking of you xxx

Just to say that I used this service when I lost my dog last year and I found them really helpful. They also have a Facebook group where oyu can share your thoughts with other bereaved owners and the support on there is fantastic.

The only other thing I can say is don't feel any pressure to feel okay again within any specific timeframe. Grief is horrendous and takes as long as it takes. Your horse was a huge part of your life and the loss is impossible to measure. For me at least I have found the loss of animals much harder than that of family members. I think the most important thing is to allow yourself to feel your grief however you need to feel it, however horrible that may be.

 

[Birker2020]

I had to PTS my equine companion of 15 years yesterday. The vet thinks he had nerve damage which prevented his stomach from emptying properly. There was no treatment we had tried a special diet and the gastric impaction returned. I decided to let him go before he started to feel pain and colic. He looked amazing.

https://epub.ub.uni-muenchen.de/53018/

The tears and pain over the last few days have been really bad. The YO and other liveries have been amazing. YO has called me twice a day to check on me since diagnosis which was Tues. The other liveries made sure there was always someone at the yard when I was there to give me support. I did not cry when with him to make sure he didn't feel my sadness. I took the time off work so I could spend all day with him during the last few days

I live alone so staying with my sister for a few days.

All I do is cry. When do you start to feel better any tips on how to cope?. I was at the yard most days for the last 15 years so big change in routine as well as missing my dear friend.

I am so sorry for your loss. I have been in your situation 5 times now and lost four horses one after the other in under 7 years, none were my fault, four were just field accidents/injuries and one was an elected pts. I am not telling you this for any other reason other than I know full well what you are going through and I feel the pain when a friend loses their horse too, the pain is almost palpable.

It takes time to wade through grief and there are lots of stages, some of which you might go through, others you might bypass.

I usually take all my photos down as I can't bear to look at them, and can't bear to watch videos or look at FB memories popping up either. it is only with time and acceptance of what has happened and coming to terms with the loss of a horse that I find I can put my photos back up again. In the past I was literally driven to spend time at the yard the very next day, mucking out my lost horses stable and feeling close to them. But when I lost my beloved Bailey last year I found I didn't have that pull, that draw to be up the yard the next day, although it probably was a couple of days later. I had elected to have Bailey pts whereas the other horses were taken suddenly and I didn't really get a chance to say goodbye with any of them and I think that made a difference. I had an amazing 17 years of fun. No one can take your memories away from you.

If my present horse doesn't work out I don't know how I will cope as he will be off to retirement livery and I will be without a horse or the means to purchase another. The thought of not having a horse in my life is like not being able to breathe and the thought of having to give up my stable and my place on the yard and not seeing my friends anymore makes me feel devastated. So I think I will always have a horse in my life. And I hope you will decide when the time is right to have another too.

I know its an old cliche but time really is a healer and one day you will be happy again. Like someone said previously, there is no time period on grief and you shouldn't feel pressurised into feeling better. I will never forget someone telling me on the death of my horse "you should be over it by now" and how cruel their words were. It wasn't until they had to have their dog who they'd had for 14 years pts and I was with them to support them. After they said how stupid they had been for saying such a ridiculous statement.

In the meantime take care of yourself, be kind to yourself xx

 

[SO1]

Thanks Jo.

You didn't have Shida at the time you had Ishara. I expect the next few months will be hard.

A few people on current yard have offered to let me groom and hang out with their horses but it will feel weird him not being there. His things need tidying up. I am storing everything at the yard for time being.

On my way home now first time in flat alone since he went so next few weeks I think are going to be tricky.

I think if he had been really old it would have been easier to deal with. But I suppose at any time it would be awful. This is the first time I have to make the decision to PTS and made worse that in the last months I lost 10 days with him due to having really bad Covid.

In my mind I keep wondering if I had done things differently he might still be here and that I may have let him down by not scoping earlier. I think because he was on box rest for so much of the last 12 months some of his symptoms may have got confused and attributed to no turnout.

I feel I don't really have closure as vet not sure why this happened.

We don't know what came first the gastric impaction or the glandular ulcer. I don't know if we had identified the ucler earlier and treated it if the gastric impactions would have happened.

Vet thinks nerve damage but what caused it?

Saskia I totally get your grief. I'm not sure if Shida was before your time at Anne's but the grief when I lost her was no less than when I lost my mum especially as she helped me through that time in my life. She was my world, my life revolved around her and similarly to your situation it was a rollercoaster for a few weeks when she might be getting better and then she wasn't. The grief did last a long time and hit me in waves but getting Ishara and her being a half sister did help a lot. I liked that she was related but at the same time quite different. Nothing will replace Homey but hopefully in time you will find a new friend whether related or not. When the time is right i'm sure something will fall into place. xxx

 

[Snow Falcon]

It is hard when you don't know what caused the problem. I spent a few years investigating, trying different supplements, physio, changing how I managed her and never got to the bottom of it. Do not think 'what if', it's easy to try and blame yourself-DON'T! This is just you grieving by questionning things. I did it too. You made the correct decision when it mattered most.

There's no news about the samples that they took from her after she was PTS. Delayed gastric emptying believed to be the cause but as it fairly rare there's little research available. I don't think I'll ever have total closure, but there's one thing I do know, she was my special girl and I'll never forget her.

Homey held a special place in many hearts and with time that will bring you comfort.

 

[Christmascinnamoncookie]

I'm so sorry. It's ridiculously hard. I think the only thing that helps is time. It's been 8 months since Beau was pts and I cry when I think about him, I think it's normal. Allow yourself to grieve, it's an incredibly hard time.

There are pet bereavement services, the Blue Cross has one, there must be an equivalent equine version. Look after yourself, this is a very hard time for you.

I sold Beau's saddle today. It's taken me this long to realise that I won't use/need it again. I can't bear to sell his bridle.

 

[JoannaC]

In my mind I keep wondering if I had done things differently he might still be here and that I may have let him down by not scoping earlier. I think because he was on box rest for so much of the last 12 months some of his symptoms may have got confused and attributed to no turnout.

I feel I don't really have closure as vet not sure why this happened.

We don't know what came first the gastric impaction or the glandular ulcer. I don't know if we had identified the ucler earlier and treated it if the gastric impactions would have happened.

Vet thinks nerve damage but what caused it?

I did the same wondering if she didn't have enough turn out whether the change from hay to haylage caused it (she had inflammatory bowel disease) etc etc I think it's natural to think about these things but at the end of the day it's just something that was beyond our control. Try not to beat yourself up, Homey had a fabulous life and whilst some horses do go on to their late 20's, they are in the minority and it wasn't so long ago that 20 would have been seen as a great age. xx

 

[mustardsmum]

Oh @SO1 I am sat here crying reading post. I lost my boy yesterday to lami and I too am heartbroken. I can only take comfort that he is no longer in any pain. But going out to the field and not seeing him today was overwhelming. It’s as heartbreaking hearing our other pony calling for him. I know it will ease as we have lost others, but the grief just keeps washing over me. He was my heart horse and our whole family (including my non horsey OH) are so sad. I just wanted to say you are not alone, and to send gentle hugs.

 

[SO1]

Thank you. I am finding comfort from this thread.

Today and yesterday were really difficult as I came back to London and now on my own.

I miss him so much. He was my confidant and my shoulder to cry on and cuddle on a bad day for the last 15 years. I was never lonely as I always had him. No I am just so alone and the days are so bad and the thought of this being my life for the foreseeable future is depressing. I don't think a new horse will make a difference but I hope in time I will feel better.

The last couple of years of his life had been difficult with injuries and vet visits. It had been stressful with work being busy and trying to meet his needs. Ironically now he is gone my work have finally sorted out the staffing issues and I will have more time.

 

[SO1]

On Sat I went to the yard. It was good to see friends and talk to them about how I was feeling, some of them have lost horses before so can relate to me and that is helpful.

YO said he was very special. She said she is fond of all the livery horses but she really loved him. He was on part livery and she spent a lot of time getting to know him over the last 8 years that he had been on the yard. He was a very interactive intelligent communicative pony so easy to love. He liked people and was so full of joy and life.

The evenings are hard when I am at home alone instead of with him. I know it is early days. 15 years is a long time and I used to kiss him and tell him to be good and be healthy and that I would see him tomorrow.

His ashes are being returned Wednesday evening that will be the next step.

I have also signed up to join a riding school which has activities most evenings which you can book online including a Pimms hack which is 45 mins hack followed by glass of Pimms. They also do lessons. Group lessons are £56 for 45 minutes. It is a long time since I have ridden at a RS so had no idea what the prices would be.

 

[Snow Falcon]

It's good that you've managed to go to the yard. I'm glad you making small steps forward, it's all part of the healing process, which takes time.

I hope getting him back Wednesday will allow you to look through pictures and remember those fabulous times you had together.

 

[SO1]

It was a big step going back to the yard and it felt very quiet without him there he used to whicker when he saw me and loved his bucket food banging his door and getting excited.

YO says she won't use his stable for a permanent livery until the all the empty ones are filled, she also does holiday and rehab livery so doesn't use all the stables for permanent liveries. She said that Homey was a very intelligent pony and when the time is right he will send me another Forester, I know it won't be the same but as my mum says I can offer a good home.

I hope that when he is back I will feel some comfort as he did so much when he was alive but I expect it will be a very emotional time.

Next Saturday liveries and staff are going out for a Chinese meal and I am invited. I am still on the livery WhatsApp group so I can join in activities.

Then on the Sunday my best friend from pony club from 35 years ago is coming to London as we had arranged to go to an exhibition. We had arranged that ages ago before Homey got sick so luckily that weekend is full of activities.

My sister also organised a morrisons delivery of food for me and a new fan. Since this happened I haven't eaten much and not felt motivated to get food or really organise anything.

It's good that you've managed to go to the yard. I'm glad you making small steps forward, it's all part of the healing process, which takes time.

I hope getting him back Wednesday will allow you to look through pictures and remember those fabulous times you had together.

 

[Highmileagecob]

I think your YO is right. If you put the intention of finding another pony out there, the right pony will find it's way to you. You are being very strong and incredibly brave in your coping mechanisms - losing my first pony almost gave me a nervous breakdown and lead to my marriage breaking up. Sending you healing vibes and a hug. It's tough.

 

[SO1]

He is back. Feeling quite sad but have him in my bedroom and put some of his things on his casket. I am hoping this final stage of having his ashes back will help provide some comfort.

I have to say the company https://www.fallenstockservices.co.uk/ were really good and compassionate. The man brought the ashes up the stairs and put them in my bedroom. His wife was very kind when I had dealings with her on the phone and YO said the collection was respectful and the man dressed formally. Small family business all arranged via the vets. Could not fault their service on what has been a sad time for me.

 

[SO1]

This came up on my Facebook feed this morning and may be helpful for others.

https://www.doctorramey.com/things-ive-said-to-grieving-horse-owners/

 

[ILuvCowparsely]

I had to PTS my equine companion of 15 years yesterday. The vet thinks he had nerve damage which prevented his stomach from emptying properly. There was no treatment we had tried a special diet and the gastric impaction returned. I decided to let him go before he started to feel pain and colic. He looked amazing.

https://epub.ub.uni-muenchen.de/53018/

The tears and pain over the last few days have been really bad. The YO and other liveries have been amazing. YO has called me twice a day to check on me since diagnosis which was Tues. The other liveries made sure there was always someone at the yard when I was there to give me support. I did not cry when with him to make sure he didn't feel my sadness. I took the time off work so I could spend all day with him during the last few days

I live alone so staying with my sister for a few days.

All I do is cry. When do you start to feel better any tips on how to cope?. I was at the yard most days for the last 15 years so big change in routine as well as missing my dear friend.

I had my boy last Thursday similar thing intestines not moving reflux continuous. I just got his ashes back, I hurt so much as he was MY boy and I bred him, my heart is broken and will never mend. I cannot bare to look of the stable door and see his casket under the rug. So may of us going through this - life is cruel at times. Sorry for your loss

 

[Birker2020]

Thinking of everyone going through this nightmare right now.

 

[Rosemary28]

He is back. Feeling quite sad but have him in my bedroom and put some of his things on his casket. I am hoping this final stage of having his ashes back will help provide some comfort.

I have to say the company https://www.fallenstockservices.co.uk/ were really good and compassionate. The man brought the ashes up the stairs and put them in my bedroom. His wife was very kind when I had dealings with her on the phone and YO said the collection was respectful and the man dressed formally. Small family business all arranged via the vets. Could not fault their service on what has been a sad time for me.View attachment 97499

This has brought tears to my eyes. How lovely.

 

[Surbie]

Am so very sorry for your loss and the circumstances around it. The box of ashes and his things is just lovely, I hope it brings you some comfort.

 

[Birker2020]

I am not religious really and have no formal religious beliefs but sometimes the words of the scriptures can help because they connect you to past generations who have had the same joys and hopes but also the same loss and grief. For me maybe the words God giveth and God taketh away.Blessed be the name of the Lord because to me it means that this is life,the good bits and the bad bits and that I am a link in a chain going backwards but also forwards.

I get that too. When I lost my Dad I kept thinking of the verse in the Bible "In My Father’s house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back for you, so where I am you may be too" It comforted me in the same way that ashes to ashes, dust to dust; in sure and certain hope of the Resurrection to eternal life because I believe in an afterlife.