Has anybody had a later life change of mind on having children....?

[Frumpoon]

Like 35-45

How did it work out?

Could you still keep and afford your horses?

 

[Durhamchance]

Oh I read that wrong. I've had children and changed my mind.

 

[Frumpoon]

Oh I read that wrong. I've had children and changed my mind.

That's an equally valid perspective

Is it as horrific as I think it looks from the pre-children perspective?

 

[Chinchilla]

Maybe not the perspective you are looking for, but my mum had my brother and I in that age bracket. When we were born she had 8 horses (I think?) but downsized to 4; we've had 4 horses my whole life, as well as other animals.
It's definitely required sacrifices/compromises though to be able to afford it; we've never really done family holidays, for example, or been abroad. But, having been brought up with horses, I wouldn't want to go back in time and do it without them, if that makes sense.

 

[Cortez]

Good Lord no: not having children was best decision I've ever made!

 

[Durhamchance]

yes. and no lol

I've never had my own horse, so cant comment on that, but I do manage to juggle 2 kids, a part time job and a share horse, but I wouldn't manage financially if my husband didn't work so hard. We rarely go on holiday either.

 

[mossycup]

I have two kids. At 36 now, I can't imagine having a new baby. But many do, and if you're financially secure and horses are an integral part of your life, a baby shouldn't change that if you don't want it too. It'll take a bit of outside the box thinking, flexibility and compromise, but don't base your baby decision on horses

 

[Goldenstar]

Good Lord no: not having children was best decision I've ever made!

Me too the more I watch parents the more I know it was the right choice .

 

[oldie48]

Well I didn't change my mind, it was a contraception failure, so much to my shock and horror I had a second daughter after a 14 year gap at 41. Totally wrecked my career as having a teenager, a baby and a demanding full time job was just a bit stressful (but I'm a light lightweight obviously). However, It was and still is the best thing and I even started riding because we bought her a pony. My completely non horsey husband adores her so was willing to finance pretty much anything within reason and I got to enjoy it all with her. It's very difficult to know how you'll feel about children until you have them but I've never thought in terms of sacrificing anything I just found my priorities changed. Yes, I could have cheerfully throttled her on occasions but I've smiled and cheered all the way through her successes, picked up the pieces when it's all gone horribly wrong, wrung my hands in anguish when worried about her but I have never, ever, for one second regretted having her.

 

[Kaylum]

Just an extra danger of health problems when your older for yourself and baby. Lots of women have children at an older age now. Personally I think it depends on your circumstances at the time.

 

[Annagain]

I'm 42 and have never wanted kids. OH is the same. I am notorious for leaving everything to the last minute so I have sometimes wondered if I'll do it with kids too but I still can't see it happening and it really is getting to the last minute now. There are so many reasons why we don't want them, but one of the main ones is OH is a ticking genetic time bomb, I don't think it would be fair to potentially pass all the issues on both sides of his family on to a child so time isn't going to change that.

 

[Red-1]

Good Lord no: not having children was best decision I've ever made!

I did want involvement with kids when I was 47, so I retired from my main job to go and work in a primary school. It's great, I get to enjoy being with kids in the morning and play ponies in the afternoon. Work life balance right there!

 

[PurBee]

I knew a woman who had a child at 60 - her youngest of many kids...she died at 76, so youngest was 16 and had to live with older sister. So its never too late...providing hormone system is still chugging and you feel healthy!
obviously 60 is a bit extreme.

Im now 43 ish and feel way past it to even consider having kids. The huge amount of everything required to raise adequately....ontop of everything else....the idea is simply exhausting. Bit i take it all too seriously, probably ...or probably not?

If a woman feels an urge and it doesnt go away...later on they’ll more likely regret not having kids.
I’ve never felt the personal ‘must have my own child’ maternal urge, i direct that side of me to looking after beings already alive. So that’s why i dont regret it...i’m mother to some people, animals, plants.

 

[rextherobber]

I had mine at 39, best thing I ever did! I took a 5 year horse owning gap, but that was due to relationship and financial issues, nothing to do with the child. I also was not the only older parent in the playground, I think people are having children later. Gives you time to do what you want to career wise, travel and see the world first!

 

[Littlebear]

I did, I was able to change my job to work from home. I still had the horses, I never wanted kids but things happen!

I am glad I did it later, I lived my younger life to the full with my career and horses and everything else.

I am a realist about having kids, its wonderful and horrendous at the same time, there will be days where you wonder why you didn't do it sooner and days you wished you never did it at all. But there is a reason people have kids and go on to have more, whether it suits you or not is another matter, i certainly don't think having kids is the be all and end all though for many people. You do have to consider the full impact of the next 20 years of your life with that child coming first before absolutely everything.

I think for alot of horsey girls that maternal instinct is taken up on their horses and dogs (mine certainly was pre child).

 

[minesadouble]

Kids and horses are a great mix! My mum always kept horses and I was brought up around them and I've always kept horses and my kids were brought up around them too.
My kids all ride and until you have your own kids you don't appreciate how much pleasure you get from watching them enjoy the same experiences as you.
I had my last daughter when I was 39.
It's also a great excuse to buy a lead rein pony ?

 

[ycbm]

Good Lord no: not having children was best decision I've ever made!

Me too the more I watch parents the more I know it was the right choice .

Me three. i had my tubes clipped at 27 to stop any accidents or silly thoughts of late babies. Best thing I could have done.

I often wonder how many parents, in spite of the hormones that are designed to make you love and nurture children, honestly in their hearts wish they never had. It's so socially unacceptable to say it, isn't it? (Not to mention being incredibly unfair on any child who hears it! )

OP, the problem (of course!) is that you can't send them back if it later turns out that it was a mistake. If there is any doubt in your mind, I think myself I would prefer to die regretting that I had no children than to die regretting that I had children who I felt had damaged my life and I theirs.

ETA, I think you also need to be absolutely sure that you aren't thinking about a baby because it would be an escape/diversion from other issues in your life. Those issues would, i suspect, be unlikely to go away, and a child could just add to them. The only time in my life i ever thought of having a baby was, in retrospect, when I was bored by my work. A change of career sorted that one.
.

 

[Muddywellies]

Good Lord no: not having children was best decision I've ever made!

And me. Never wanted children when I was young, after playing the field a bit, I finally settled down late 30s. Still didn't want them. Absolutely no maternal instinct whatsoever and so far, I'm very happy with my decision. We have freedom and disposable income and none of the stress associated with parenting. I'm perfectly happy.

 

[Bernster]

It Seems quite common for there to be childless by choice horse folks. I wonder if there have been any studies on it. It could just be that that’s my main network but I know of far more horse women without kids than non-horse women.

I think hormones can kick in here as I never wanted kids but did have a short period when I kind of regretted it, and felt sad that I hadn’t, but even then I thought it was too late. If I’d have had that feeling in my late 30s I think I might have changed my view and had kids. But it’s the right choice for me, and I’m fine with it now.

I don’t know anyone who has had kids and regretted it (but obv maybe no one will admit to that) so, if I was thinking about it, or felt it was something I’d want to do, then I’d go for it. I think some folks never feel ready and are only truly ready when it actually happens.

 

[AUB]

I never wanted children. Never was my dream. Zero maternal instincts and didnt want to settle down. I had a career and a lot of fun :-D Then I met my husband and had a child at 31. Best decision ever! I love that little shit. And I still own a horse and ride. And work full time. Now I just want a baby brother or sister for him.

But if I hadn’t had him I wouldn’t have felt I missed out on anything. I would have lived a happy life without children. I don’t think I would have regretted that decision at all, just like I don’t regret having kids. It’s all good.

 

[sportsmansB]

I'm not one bit interested in having kids. I have two super nephews and various friends kids who call me auntie.
I think its a bit funny when people with kids appear to feel sorry for me for not having any, whereas I feel a bit sorry for them that they do.
Maybe I'm super selfish? I can go where I want when I want. I'm not sure, its just never really been on my agenda. I do have a dog and horse who I am very fond of, and to be honest thats enough for me.
Maybe if I had met someone who really wanted them at a time when it was appropriate things would be different but I'm really happy with my life as it is. I turned 40 this year and am single so I think thats the corner turned for me but I definitely don't hear any clock ticking.
My mum let slip a few years ago that she wasn't that bothered about having kids it was my dad who was sure. Shes been a great mum in every way but she did bring us up to be independent and believe that we could do whatever we wanted, it certainly wasn't expected. She adores my nephews though and if my sister hadn't taken the plunge for kids I think my mum would have been secretly disappointed as she loves being a granny.

 

[Not_so_brave_anymore]

In my experience, lots of people change their minds between 25 and 35 (as in, think they'll never want kids when they're 25, but then realise actually they do by the time they're 35). But people who get to 35 and still strongly feel they don't want them don't seem to change their mind.

 

[Nudibranch]

I had mine at 38. Best thing I ever did.
I'm in a group of 4 close friends from uni days. One had a baby at 31, remarried and has been trying again for years with no success. Another started trying at 39 and had 3 rounds of IVF including donor which failed so gave up. The 4th started trying around the same time and has now adopted. So I'd say if you're thinking about it then crack on! Time is of the essence for first babies.
I still have my horses, although they're at home. I could only afford one on DIY livery now if I had to as I'm part time since having a baby.

 

[HappyHollyDays]

I didn’t want children, am not at all maternal but got to late 30’s and had the talk with my husband as he was the one feeling the need to have offspring. In the end it never happened and I am very thankful it didn’t. I really am far too selfish to have children.

 

[smolmaus]

I didn’t want children, am not at all maternal but got to late 30’s and had the talk with my husband as he was the one feeling the need to have offspring. In the end it never happened and I am very thankful it didn’t. I really am far too selfish to have children.

This terrified me for ages, first 4-5 years of my relationship I would panic every so often and ask the OH if he was SURE, double triple, cross your heart, no take backs sure he didn't want kids because there was no way I was ever coming around. He found it very annoying indeed! But men don't start being told they'll change their minds about no kids as soon as they hit puberty so he maybe just wasn't used to it lol

I'm "only" 31 so I guess there's time but even if I did feel the urge I'd still not do it.

 

[JGC]

I am late 30s and haven't regretted not having children so far! I don't think I will, plus OH is older, so it would be very late for him. I have a hereditary autoimmune condition that was a factor in my decision, but I have never felt a desire to have children and I think you really need a super strong urge, because parenting is hard enough as it is.

Actually, I have a friend who had a baby just after 40 with a younger partner who was really keen to have children, although my friend had always been open about not wanting children. She is a fantastic mum, really really brilliant, but I know that if she could go back in time, she wouldn't make the same choice. I have seen threads on forums where people have said the same thing - they love their children, but wouldn't make the same choice again. And we can all think of parents who really shouldn't have had children. So it does happen, although I'd assume (and hope) that's a minority of parents.

 

[PurBee]

Me three. i had my tubes clipped at 27 to stop any accidents or silly thoughts of late babies. Best thing I could have done.

I often wonder how many parents, in spite of the hormones that are designed to make you love and nurture children, honestly in their hearts wish they never had. It's so socially unacceptable to say it, isn't it? (Not to mention being incredibly unfair on any child who hears it! )

OP, the problem (of course!) is that you can't send them back if it later turns out that it was a mistake. If there is any doubt in your mind, I think myself I would prefer to die regretting that I had no children than to die regretting that I had children who I felt had damaged my life and I theirs.

ETA, I think you also need to be absolutely sure that you aren't thinking about a baby because it would be an escape/diversion from other issues in your life. Those issues would, i suspect, be unlikely to go away, and a child could just add to them. The only time in my life i ever thought of having a baby was, in retrospect, when I was bored by my work. A change of career sorted that one.
.

i was curious about tube clipping when younger - a doctor refused my request saying i was too young to know for sure! A man telling me this! Since 14 having incredibly painful menstruation that affects 2 weeks out of 4, every damn month...and im meant to ‘cherish’ the process!
Answer in private if you prefer, but does ovulation stop and therefore menstruation completely stop with tube clipping?
So in effect if an egg isnt released then the hormone spike of estrogen/progesterone doesnt happen and the hormones would kinda mimic menopause and slowly stop being produced? How did you feel in the months afterwards?
I need a pelvic scan really as i have horrid abnormal symptoms, i was offered anti-depressants last time i requested diagnostics to decades worth of menstrual pain ? im at the point of thinking a full hysto is the way to go but that would mean immediate plummet into menopause, which isnt a bed of roses either.

 

[Gloi]

I'm in my sixties and relieved I never had children. I'm very pessimistic about the future of the planet and so glad I don't have children with the guilt of thinking what the future is likely to hold for them.

 

[ycbm]

i was curious about tube clipping when younger - a doctor refused my request saying i was too young to know for sure! A man telling me this! Since 14 having incredibly painful menstruation that affects 2 weeks out of 4, every damn month...and im meant to ‘cherish’ the process!
Answer in private if you prefer, but does ovulation stop and therefore menstruation completely stop with tube clipping?
So in effect if an egg isnt released then the hormone spike of estrogen/progesterone doesnt happen and the hormones would kinda mimic menopause and slowly stop being produced? How did you feel in the months afterwards?
I need a pelvic scan really as i have horrid abnormal symptoms, i was offered anti-depressants last time i requested diagnostics to decades worth of menstrual pain ? im at the point of thinking a full hysto is the way to go but that would mean immediate plummet into menopause, which isnt a bed of roses either.

No, nothing changes about menstruation at all. The egg's released, it just can't get down the tube and it's reabsorbed. The menopause, for me, was really welcome. Can you take HRT? I'd go for a hysterectomy and HRT if I was you, I think.

 

[FinnBobs]

I'm 31 and have been married for a couple of years and am financially secure etc so of course I was getting pressure ramped on me from some family members until I told them to back off a bit! I do like children and I did a degree in Early Years but I think because I couldn't get my horse until I was 27 and have low level eventing ambitions but not much talent I want to wait a little to try and make that happen first. I love the idea of doing ponies with a child but I do worry about affording my boy and a child plus a pony and dogs! I'd secretly be a bit gutted if I couldn't do ponies with my child.