Has anybody had a later life change of mind on having children....?

[Steerpike]

I'm 43, haven't got a maternal bone in my body wanted to get my tubes tied but just use the implant instead which has been a miracle for me, it was one of the first things my husband and I discussed, both being in the same mind. Much prefer our freedom and spending on our own hobbies, not sure if that makes us selfish or not.

 

[Tiddlypom]

I'm in my sixties and relieved I never had children. I'm very pessimistic about the future of the planet and so glad I don't have children with the guilt of thinking what the future is likely to hold for them.

Now this is a very valid viewpoint.

I love my two lads (now in their mid 20s), and we’ve also loved everything about bringing them up. They’ve grown into fine, responsible adults. We’d been married 12 years before we took the planned plunge into parenthood, and it’s been fantastic.

You can’t help but fear for the future, now, though. Would we make the same choices in 2020? No, I don’t think we would.

 

[brighteyes]

It's a long game. I didn't want them, was 'persuaded' to, resented the curtailed freedoms, got over myself and bought ponies. Had a complete blast doing Pony Club, hunting, beach and XC rides. I ended up with two good riders (one is also a fully-qualified BAEDT) and one that can make great hay and haylage and fix vehicles and stuff. Regrets? No, but I had my horses at home and easy pregnancies. I still have their childhood ponies (all in their 20's) and now work with primary-age children.

 

[atropa]

I think about this a lot. I'm about to turn 30 and I don't think I 'want' kids, but since meeting my current partner 5 years ago I certainly have felt strong urges at times to have his baby.
My OH already has two late teen kids and I'm honestly not sure he actually enjoyed the experience. He hasn't ever said outright that he doesn't want more, but he does emphasise hugely how much they take over your life and relationship. I also worry that it wouldn't be fair on him to go back to child rearing when he should be retiring within the next decade.
Sometimes I imagine the future and worry I'll regret not having them, but actually picturing them in my current life right now they just wouldn't fit in with horses, travel, our hobbies.
So yes, I definitely think about it but it's not something you can just try out and send them back if it doesn't suit :\
I also agree with the previous poster who said remaining childless by choice seems very common for horsewomen.

 

[PurBee]

No, nothing changes about menstruation at all. The egg's released, it just can't get down the tube and it's reabsorbed. The menopause, for me, was really welcome. Can you take HRT? I'd go for a hysterectomy and HRT if I was you, I think.

oh, so how come menstruation continues if there’s no egg in the uterus to trigger uterine lining production?

Unless the trigger is the release of egg from the ovary to start uterine lining thickening, regardless of the egg not making it and being reabsorbed!
The endocrine texts dont state that....gosh i feel cheated, always thinking it‘s the egg in the uterus as the trigger.

Id’ve had the tube clip and be horrified to still be menstruating!

I’ve had months of no menstruation when stressed so evidently no egg was even released.

 

[FinnBobs]

I'm in my sixties and relieved I never had children. I'm very pessimistic about the future of the planet and so glad I don't have children with the guilt of thinking what the future is likely to hold for them.

This worries me too. I ride on a bit of a roller coaster of wanting one one minute and not the next!

 

[ihatework]

I don’t like babies, have a real phobia about being pregnant or giving birth and only had the briefest (weeks) of fleeting urges to have a baby when I was around 36.

It passed very quickly and I’m now well into my 40s and can’t see myself ever having a biological child.

That said, for a number of years, there has always been the thought that I might like to foster one day.

 

[conniegirl]

Im 35 and currently pregnant with my first. Up until i met my husband i was very very against having a child.
Met husband 10years ago, started trying for a baby 4 years ago ish.
Had lots of fertility treatments (including several rounds of ivf) as tests showed there was a nearly 0% chance of me conceiving naturally.
Then fell pregnant naturally during lockdown 1 (after my final round of ivf was cancelled as a non essential procedure) unfortunately had a miscarriage at the end of may and we decided not to restart fertility treatment until after covid was over even if we missed our chance (mainly due to the horrific experience i had due to covid restrictions).
That didnt work, 2 months it took me to fall pregnant this time!

i have a pony and no intention of giving up anytime.

I think it will depend on your maternal urges and your situation.
Both husband and I have very well paying jobs that can become flexible.

 

[Rowreach]

I think late 30s is a great time to have babies. You are probably financially more secure and settled, and you've had your freedom in your early adulthood. I was 37 and 39 when I had mine, and although it was circumstances more than planning that determined that, I am glad I was child free in my 20s.

I do think it's important to realise that nobody's decision here is right or wrong. Whichever anyone chooses there's no reason to feel sorry for people who've chosen differently, as some posters have implied

 

[smolmaus]

oh, so how come menstruation continues if there’s no egg in the uterus to trigger uterine lining production?

Unless the trigger is the release of egg from the ovary to start uterine lining thickening, regardless of the egg not making it and being reabsorbed!
The endocrine texts dont state that....gosh i feel cheated, always thinking it‘s the egg in the uterus as the trigger.

Id’ve had the tube clip and be horrified to still be menstruating!

I’ve had months of no menstruation when stressed so evidently no egg was even released.

Off topic but I don't think menstruation has anything to do with an egg being there or not. Except that hormones (oestrogen/ progesterone) are "supposed" to cause both at appropriate, lining up times. You could very well have had the hormones to cause an egg to be released but not seen any menstruation, or not. You could be having periods and no egg happens. Bodies don't make sense!!

 

[Jellymoon]

I had my kids at 35 and 38, similar to my friends, we were all working/horsing/gadding about up until then. I kept the horsing going throughout, think I went down to one horse at one point, got bored of that, back up to 2/3. It can be done.

 

[Nudibranch]

The eggs still mature in their follicles which is what causes the hormone fluctuations. Uterus lining still thickens, etc. Clipping/tying stops the egg travelling down the fallopian tube. That's all. It has nothing to do with eggs being in the uterus.

 

[dorsetladette]

Slightly different, my mum had my older sister when she was 19 then me at 29 and then twins at 42. She ran a successful stud/livery/breaking and schooling business when she had older sister and me. Closed the business and fell pregnant pretty quickly with the twins after that.

I think the twins wore her out. But that might not have been the same if she hadn't already had us 2. Both her old kids vowed not to have kids spread out (and we haven't) as we watched mum miss out on 'her time' as she always had kids around.

 

[Frumpoon]

Thank you everybody

All good thoughts and opinions

I haven’t changed my mind about having kids, but I’ve just lost another potential relationship because of it and I’m feeling very lonely and useless

Im not sure why said bloke thought a 42 year old woman was ideal breeding material in the first place but very little that men do makes sense to me anyway

 

[conniegirl]

You could be having periods and no egg happens. Bodies don't make sense!!

This is what happened to me. I didn’t ovulate but had perfectly regular and normal periods. No clue i had fertility issues until i started trying for a child

 

[conniegirl]

Thank you everybody

All good thoughts and opinions

I haven’t changed my mind about having kids, but I’ve just lost another potential relationship because of it and I’m feeling very lonely and useless

Im not sure why said bloke thought a 42 year old woman was ideal breeding material in the first place but very little that men do makes sense to me anyway

Please do not have a child to save a Relationship!
if you feel strongly about not having children then don’t! There are plenty of men out there who don’t want them either

 

[mini_b]

Oh I read that wrong. I've had children and changed my mind.

same same ?

 

[Polos Mum]

I didn't really want kids. I was talked into it by my OH - after proper debate and an agreed decision (nothing harsh)
First when I was 34 second when I was 37 - I've never felt massively maternal, never coo over babies (unlike foals, puppies that I'll coo over all day). But I would walk into burning building for my kids without hesitation.
It's a really different kind of love.

I kept horses all the way through, minimum of 2 max of 5. I had sharers and paid help at times and I definitely lost my bottle a but but having a hobby to give me some me time as been great for me. Friends who have given up everything for their kids seem to struggle more in the long run.

 

[canteron]

Thank you everybody

All good thoughts and opinions

I haven’t changed my mind about having kids, but I’ve just lost another potential relationship because of it and I’m feeling very lonely and useless

Im not sure why said bloke thought a 42 year old woman was ideal breeding material in the first place but very little that men do makes sense to me anyway

Not much use - but chin up I am sure there are happier days ahead.
I think that horses can be an opportunity to form strong friendships that see you through life - which can bring its own ‘family’ bonds, if that’s the way life pans out.

 

[Sossigpoker]

Me too the more I watch parents the more I know it was the right choice .

Couldn't agree more!
Quite often other half and I remark to each other how glad we are that we never had kids - usually when we've witnessed some delightful behaviour out in public or even the chaos and parking wars that is the school run.

 

[EventingMum]

I got married at 22 and a year later, much to my surprise, I felt overwhelmingly broody. My son was born just after my 25th birthday. I really was very lucky as Mr EM and my dad kept my horse going for me as I didn't ride after a threatened miscarriage at 12 weeks. I didn't regret having a baby at all but it was possibly made easier by the fact my horse was a bit older then and I had achieved more than I had dreamed possible with him already at that point (national finals/ big shows etc). In hindsight I was delighted that I had my son when I did as my reproductive system was anything but healthy and I had a hysterectomy at 30. I had a miscarriage when my son was 4 and was unable to have any more children.

I was lucky that my son grew up riding so I was very involved with his riding career, initially show jumping ponies and then eventing horses. Supporting him and having our own commercial yard has kept up my horsey interest so I don't feel I've missed out apart from not getting back to competing myself at a high level. My son is a fully qualified EDT but sadly now work prevents him from having time to ride although his wife rides and he still helps out with tractor work and such like at home. I really miss going to events with him but have many fond memories from when we did.

We would certainly be financially better off if we hadn't had him but I don't regret doing so. Many friends waited until they were older to start a family and I can see the advantages of being more settled and financially secure when doing so but I think there's really no right or wrong time. For me, the important thing was having a secure relationship to bring the baby into, obviously, things can go wrong but as a starting point having support and help was invaluable.

 

[AdorableAlice]

I wouldn’t be capable of looking after a child. Never had a single maternal thought in my life.

When I went through chemotherapy I was 54 and the doctors suggested I froze eggs in case I wanted children. I couldn’t quite believe what they said. Then at each of the 30 rad sessions I had I was asked if I was pregnant. I realise it was protocol but was really bemused by it all.

 

[paddy555]

I chose not to as I have always thought the world is very over populated. I also thought that people having kids should be the ones who really wanted them and who were willing to change and give up whatever it took for the kids. I was not prepared to do that so it would have been very selfish.

 

[Not_so_brave_anymore]

I find it really sad how many people are saying they're "too selfish" to have had children. Surely it's the exact opposite of selfish to choose not to have a child because you think that child would deserve more than you could willingly give? To my mind, it's much more selfish to have kids without ever having any intention of putting them first.

Also, women- stop talking yourselves down! You don't have to justify your decisions based on nonexistent character flaws. No men are out there saying "I never had kids because I was too selfish". They're saying "I never felt I needed kids because my life was so f*cking AWESOME as it was"!
<climbs down from soapbox>

 

[catembi]

i was curious about tube clipping when younger - a doctor refused my request saying i was too young to know for sure! A man telling me this! Since 14 having incredibly painful menstruation that affects 2 weeks out of 4, every damn month...and im meant to ‘cherish’ the process!
Answer in private if you prefer, but does ovulation stop and therefore menstruation completely stop with tube clipping?
So in effect if an egg isnt released then the hormone spike of estrogen/progesterone doesnt happen and the hormones would kinda mimic menopause and slowly stop being produced? How did you feel in the months afterwards?
I need a pelvic scan really as i have horrid abnormal symptoms, i was offered anti-depressants last time i requested diagnostics to decades worth of menstrual pain ? im at the point of thinking a full hysto is the way to go but that would mean immediate plummet into menopause, which isnt a bed of roses either.

I had very severe period problems in my 30s caused by fibroids, so constant heavy bleeding with clots & flooding, & it was also quite random so I was never sure where I was with it all. I had a hyst at 37/38 & kept my ovaries, but they gave up the ghost & I got an early menopause. Went on HRT & it's as if the whole thing never happened, i.e. I feel totally normal but no periods. Hurray! I also have no children & at the age of 49 am 100% fine with my decision.

 

[PurBee]

I had very severe period problems in my 30s caused by fibroids, so constant heavy bleeding with clots & flooding, & it was also quite random so I was never sure where I was with it all. I had a hyst at 37/38 & kept my ovaries, but they gave up the ghost & I got an early menopause. Went on HRT & it's as if the whole thing never happened, i.e. I feel totally normal but no periods. Hurray! I also have no children & at the age of 49 am 100% fine with my decision.

Thanks for posting, your experience truly gives me hope!
if you dont mind me asking, is the idea with HRT to taper down the dose at a certain age to ’imitate’ a gentle menopause? What age would that be?
Im not looking forward to natural menopause due to hormone wackiness, and the sudden inevitable slump of barely any hormones, as ive had wacky hormones for so long, its just done me in, and although im mostly accepting of these processes going awry sometimes, when drastic, its time to just cut losses, eg hysterectomy, and artificially mimiking the process. At least then i’ll be able to actually make plans and stick to them, without calling off ill due to cycling symptoms.

 

[laura_nash]

I didn't change my mind exactly, contraception failure aged 31. I always knew my OH would prefer to have a child though he knew and accepted my opinion - we'd been together about 15 years at the point I got pregnant.

I love my daughter and certainly don't regret having her. I was the opposite of maternal (used to hide in the loo when people bought their babies to show off at work) but it is true that its different when its your own. My parents were deliriously happy, they had definitely been broody for grandchildren though they never mentioned it until I'd made my decision.

Having a horse and young child did become a problem, financially, time-wise, emotionally (torn between spending time with the two). Our solution was a bit extreme - sell up, quit our jobs, buy semi-derelict small-holding in Ireland. It worked for us though - I still ride much less but with horse living out and totally under my control management-wise there isn't the pressure or guilt on that. My daughter has a pony, whose also company for my horse, but she's not pony-mad like I was at her age and I don't push her to be involved more than she wants.

 

[ycbm]

I find it really sad how many people are saying they're "too selfish" to have had children. Surely it's the exact opposite of selfish to choose not to have a child because you think that child would deserve more than you could willingly give? To my mind, it's much more selfish to have kids without ever having any intention of putting them first.

Also, women- stop talking yourselves down! You don't have to justify your decisions based on nonexistent character flaws. No men are out there saying "I never had kids because I was too selfish". They're saying "I never felt I needed kids because my life was so f*cking AWESOME as it was"!
<climbs down from soapbox>

Yes yes yes.

My answer to people who ask me 'but who will look after you when you are old? ' is not printable!

 

[Lois Lame]

I didn’t want children, am not at all maternal but got to late 30’s and had the talk with my husband as he was the one feeling the need to have offspring. In the end it never happened and I am very thankful it didn’t. I really am far too selfish to have children.

But maybe us people who have children are the selfish ones. We wanted them, we had them. I really don't like hearing people who are childless called selfish (even by themselves). It makes no sense to me.

 

[timefort]

....
Also, women- stop talking yourselves down! You don't have to justify your decisions based on nonexistent character flaws. No men are out there saying "I never had kids because I was too selfish". They're saying "I never felt I needed kids because my life was so f*cking AWESOME as it was"!
<climbs down from soapbox>

I just think this is the best post! I hadn't really thought about the situation like this. Perhaps the next time someone sympathetically asks if I'm childless, instead of saying "no I'm child free" which is my preferred option (and usually gets selfish mutters) I'll just announce "no, because I'm already awesome!!" ?