Has anybody had a later life change of mind on having children....?

[nicolenlolly]

I don’t ride, my daughters do and compete lots so always busy. I thought we were done, then whoops we had a 14 year old and a 9 year old…and a new born baby boy so completely different.

He has fitted in perfectly; he adores the horses, he was about 4 days old when he attended his first ode and spends most of his weekends in the car going up and down the motorway to various competitions and training sessions. He loves it. We have had to invest in a lorry in readiness for proper potty training and so we all have a little more space to exist when we are at events but it was the best decision and wouldn’t change it for the world!! He is 2 now and loves bobbing around on the section c as well as cuddling the heads of the bigger horses who are all so amazing with him (thankfully)

 

[ycbm]

I think it's probably a lot easier if you've got plenty of money. For many people the choice must be between having a child and having a horse, especially if they compete as well.
.

 

[cauda equina]

I don’t ride, my daughters do and compete lots so always busy. I thought we were done, then whoops we had a 14 year old and a 9 year old…and a new born baby boy so completely different.

He has fitted in perfectly; he adores the horses, he was about 4 days old when he attended his first ode and spends most of his weekends in the car going up and down the motorway to various competitions and training sessions. He loves it. We have had to invest in a lorry in readiness for proper potty training and so we all have a little more space to exist when we are at events but it was the best decision and wouldn’t change it for the world!! He is 2 now and loves bobbing around on the section c as well as cuddling the heads of the bigger horses who are all so amazing with him (thankfully)

I love that you needed a lorry for potty training!

 

[CanteringCarrot]

I think it's probably a lot easier if you've got plenty of money. For many people the choice must be between having a child and having a horse, especially if they compete as well.
.

Tons easier if you have plenty of money.

I know that if we had children there'd likely be no horse for me for quite some time. Not necessarily due to money, but due to time and energy!

So in order to have the horse somewhere decent, where I can actually ride productively and he can have good care, it's about a 50 min drive. I also work full time, and OH works full time (and then some, I feel like, but that's him). We also have 2 dogs that need our time. Where would the horse truly fit in? I'd be missing for 3 to 4 hours each evening that I ride. That's not fair to OH at all! A little more doable on weekends, but kids do take time and energy. If my horse were at home, in an easily managed system (living out, for example), it'd probably be more doable, I imagine.

With OH's work I'd also essentially be a "single" parent at times. So honestly, I didn't want to take that on. Our lives are comfortable now, and I don't feel a true need to have a kid.

 

[HollyWoozle]

I’m 36 and have known for at least 8 years (can’t remember exactly how long) that I don’t want children and have never wavered in that time. I did want children when I was younger but at some stage I changed my mind.

My fiancé feels the same and I am 99% sure we won’t change our minds. I do feel sorry for his parents as he is an only child and they’ll have no grandchildren (one of my brothers has children who are my mum’s joy) but that is not a reason to have kids. I feel that not having children is the best thing that I can do for the planet, myself and the future children themselves, but of course I understand why people do have kids and support them in their decision.

I will say that people such as parents and neighbours have surprised me in their supportive attitudes towards our decision.

 

[tda]

My parents haven’t applied any pressure but I definitely feel less pressure now my sister has had a baby.

Yes that definitely helped, my sister had 3 boys, and both my brothers have one of each, so I was off the hook

 

[maya2008]

Bonus of kids…go to the sales and pick up a future pony for each kid (and one for the husband). Total excuse to get the yearling filly I just couldn’t leave behind, and the pretty spotty one. Oops…

It was my hormones that pressured me. Turned 30 and bang, desperate need for a baby! Didn’t let up until after child no.2. Literally, she arrived and I knew that was it.

 

[brighteyes]

I read one of my earlier replies and, interestingly, I have now had a couple of friends say they wouldn’t have kids if they had the choice again. They love them but it was a big life changer and not necessarily in a good way. It’s possible this is something that happens when kids are at a more difficult age I suppose but it’s the first time I’d heard anyone share that view.

It’s possibly considered tantamount to ‘wishing them away’ but there are many times I wonder whether I did the right thing for many reasons and not centred around my feelings, but theirs.

The ‘dangers out there’ are so very different and vexatious now, whereas I only had flipping hand-held gaming gadgets and SuperMario to get frustrated about, there are now iPhones (other models are available) social media and the transgender ideology cult nonsense to navigate them through. They are all facing a very uncertain and troubling future and I feel very guilty about that.

The ‘difficulties’ for me during the time I was responsible for them have been replaced with more nuanced ones and I have a lot of guilt attached to my having them in the first place - (coercion) undiagnosed PND, lack of support during their early years and my ‘retrospective’ lack of parenting skills. They all turned out fine despite me, bright and able, well thought of and productive in ther spheres but my guilt lingers on.

What makes it hardest of all is the indescribable love, worry for their well-being and protectiveness that never leaves you.

I think I covered everything!

 

[wispagold]

Of all the things I worry about for my children (of which there are many) the 'transgender ideology cult nonsense' is not one of them!!... wow!

 

[brighteyes]

Slightly off topic re fostering.

I found out about this through a budgeting page on Instagram. Ot was someone in their early 30s who'd "fostered" an older teenager rather than take a lodger. Bear with me, it's not as callous as I've made it sound.

The woman had a spare room so was considering a lodger for extra money. She then found out that her local authority was looking for people in that sort of position to offer "supported lodgings". She looked into it because she liked the idea of being able to help a young person.

It varies council to council but basically they are are desperate/have a shortage of supported living for teenagers in the care system ages 16-18 iirc.

This is something I would consider in a few years time.

I’d be quite wary, knowing that a lot of these children are very damaged and might not just be respectful and easy house guests. I’d love to be proved wrong maybe and have a go myself!

 

[AmyMay]

Of all the things I worry about for my children (of which there are many) the 'transgender ideology cult nonsense' is not one of them!!... wow!

If that is someone’s genuine concern, who is anyone to criticise/condem

 

[wispagold]

If that is someone’s genuine concern, who is anyone to criticise/condem

What does it even mean?

 

[brighteyes]

Of all the things I worry about for my children (of which there are many) the 'transgender ideology cult nonsense' is not one of them!!... wow!

Wow!

 

[wispagold]

Wow!

Please could you explain what you meant?

 

[AShetlandBitMeOnce]

Please could you explain what you meant?

This may not be what OP meant, but I see it as meaning that children have been essentially 'brainwashed' to question every fibre of their being and who they are, question their identity and where they fit in at the world, and to make serious medical based decisions that may dictate the rest of their lives at a very vulnerable age, based solely on whether they like more feminie or masculine things in life. They have 20 different labels to assign to their sexuality, have to navigate a social system that will villify them for making the smallest verbal mistake, and much less than just accepting who they are and what they like and growing as humans and adults, they are told they have to fight for the right to have something they may not even want in 2 years time.

There are many, many pre-pubescent teenagers making the decision to halt or permanently change their puberty journey, because they lean towards masculine tendencies and hobbies, because they are utterly unaware what a 'tom boy' is and think that it must mean they want to be a man. You only have to look at how many cases are emerging of people wanting to reverse these irreversible decisions. How can you expect a child to understand such nuanced and complex matters, no matter how much teaching they do in schools.

 

[brighteyes]

What does it even mean?

Assuming you aren’t in education or possibly even aware of the ‘idea’ that you can be born in the wrong body and humans change sex at a cellular level, you might be forgiven for thinking I’m a bit bonkers. Anyway, as I was saying, it’s quite a serious and worrying matter especially since it’s being taught in schools to an alarming degree of detail and introduced early. The social media ‘pressures’ on young people (of which this is just one) is overwhelming and parents are often very late to the table with regard to what their kids are up to. The worry of easy access to porn is quite passé (by comparison) really. From a ‘once they are out and surviving as people’ now to keep them safe from outside threats to their mental and physical safety.

I think most people considering having children (or reasons not to) will surely look beyond ‘breast or formula’ and the most useful type of car seat to invest in.

Maybe I’m going to deep into this, but their future sanity is a biggie, looking at the ‘messed-up kids currently in our primary schools.

 

[brighteyes]

This may not be what OP meant, but I see it as meaning that children have been essentially 'brainwashed' to question every fibre of their being and who they are, question their identity and where they fit in at the world, and to make serious medical based decisions that may dictate the rest of their lives at a very vulnerable age, based solely on whether they like more feminie or masculine things in life. They have 20 different labels to assign to their sexuality, have to navigate a social system that will villify them for making the smallest verbal mistake, and much less than just accepting who they are and what they like and growing as humans and adults, they are told they have to fight for the right to have something they may not even want in 2 years time.

Exactly this. And I’m speaking from personal experience.

 

[AmyMay]

What does it even mean?

Well if you don’t know, why comment?

 

[brighteyes]

Please could you explain what you meant?

See Shetland’s response. She covers it well. It’s definitely a thing I have come across first hand and to my genuine concern and upset, as I wasn’t informed. There’s a lot of it about. Mental health seems to be deteriorating and resilience systematically challenged and this has to be a consideration and concern for our future children and grandchildren.

 

[maisie06]

I think it's probably a lot easier if you've got plenty of money. For many people the choice must be between having a child and having a horse, especially if they compete as well.
.

One of my biggest reasons not to have children was the fact I don't have money. Having grown up in poverty myself I would never inflict it on a child.

 

[Blanche]

I’d be quite wary, knowing that a lot of these children are very damaged and might not just be respectful and easy house guests. I’d love to be proved wrong maybe and have a go myself!

Not all are very damaged despite what they may have gone through.

 

[CanteringCarrot]

I think definitions of "damaged" may vary.


I do think we underestimate how easily another human can be damaged. That's part of why it's a huge responsibility being a parent. Many don't recognize this, nor are they ready for that, but have a child regardless. Sometimes it all still work out, and other times it does not.

 

[brighteyes]

Not all are very damaged despite what they may have gone through.

Oh that IS good news!

 

[brighteyes]

I think definitions of "damaged" may vary.


I do think we underestimate how easily another human can be damaged. That's part of why it's a huge responsibility being a parent. Many don't recognize this, nor are they ready for that, but have a child regardless. Sometimes it all still work out, and other times it does not.

So true.

 

[Mari]

Oh I read that wrong. I've had children and changed my mind.

Me too.

 

[MagicMelon]

I think its a very personal question. I know people who wanted kids and couldnt, and some who never wanted kids and dont regret it. I never thought Id have 3 kids in all honesty. I thought 1 maybe. Ive ended up with 3 boys from age 2-11. Yes its hard. But you just make time for the horses as much as possible. Its my release, I feel so much better once Ive been competing for the day at a weekend - its like Ive had a total break and I can deal with the week ahead of kids. They are hard. Ive found my most recent child a bit harder just because Im older. Its easier to have them younger. I dont think you ever regret having kids though once you have them. They're utterly exhausting and I make a lot of sacrifices for them but I keep hold of the horses, theyre the last part of me pre-kids. You dont have to give up your life entirely like some mums seem to do.

 

[Chucho]

I didn't until 39 for lots of reasons. Some to do with the planet, some to do with just enjoying life as it was. Some to do with not wanting to lose my sense of self. Some to do with basically disliking most children. We had dogs, shared horses, moved around a lot, I was very happy with all that. Things changed for me for sentimental reasons. Our daughter is a lovely little person and I'm so happy we've got her with us now as part of our gang. She was the first baby I've ever held! She's very portable, great with the dogs, enjoys hiking with us and I can't wait to get her on skis this winter. None of the fears I originally had about losing myself or having to change the way we live have materialised. In part because we of how we have agreed we want to go about things. I've watched some friends get really bought into the cult of motherhood, give up what they like doing, who they are and even change who they choose to spend time with but it really doesn't have to be like that. For me, the benefit of being older is that I have a much better sense of who I am and what I want, how to go about things, and the confidence to stick with that. Physically I was super fit and am really pleased with how I have bounced back.

We did experience some odd behaviour and comments from some quarters in our child free years. I found it hurtful because although it wasn't intended to hurt, people didn't know whether we couldn't have children or didn't want to or frankly enough about our life to comment. Having my own child now has reinforced to me even more just how unnecessary those attitudes really are and I quite happily call people out on it, whereas before I just felt ostracized and would hide away from them.