Has anybody had a later life change of mind on having children....?

[oldie48]

Yes yes yes.

My answer to people who ask me 'but who will look after you when you are old? ' is not printable!

I have made it very clear to both my daughters that the only help I will need and want when I become decrepit is to get to the top of a cliff. Worrying they have both offered to help.

 

[Cloball]

I am getting a growing pros and cons list which is getting a bit ridiculous. I've only just turned 30, a lot of ours friends are a bit older and more settled and have just started their families which has been making me feel broody... Plus ponies!

Is it ok to only want one though?

 

[ycbm]

I have made it very clear to both my daughters that the only help I will need and want when I become decrepit is to get to the top of a cliff. Worrying they have both offered to help.

?

I'm hanging my hat on disabled access to clifftops improvements ?

 

[Cortez]

?

I'm hanging my hat on disabled access to clifftops improvements ?

Switzerland is lovely at any time of year........

 

[Kymountaingirl]

I didn’t want children, am not at all maternal but got to late 30’s and had the talk with my husband as he was the one feeling the need to have offspring. In the end it never happened and I am very thankful it didn’t. I really am far too selfish to have children.

I felt the same as you. My ex decided, on the morning I was leaving to go have the tubal done, to get VERY hateful about it because he "Liked thinking he could if he wanted to." Huh! He already had a kid with a slut, that he dumped on his sister the first 8 years of it's life till I came along to raise it. Then when I left he dumped her on someone else. That being said, had I had the child I'd have been treated better during the divorce procedures. They just said, oh, you'll be okay...next in line please?
All in all, I have been as well off having had no children. But, society treats you as value-less if you don't.

 

[[139672]]

Myself and OH hadn’t wanted kids. Suddenly tried when I was 40. Fell pregnant straight away! I was scared and worried about the physical effect on my body at that age. Little did I know what was coming! Thought I was having a miscarriage, had d&c, surgeon then said she thought I’d had a molar pregnancy and not to look it up on the internet, so we did. I felt very ill. Had to go to Charing Cross hospital a few weeks later and start weekly chemo which lasted 5.5 months and I thought that was going to kill me off. Thankfully I came through it but chemo had finished off my eggs. I work in a secondary school which has really helped me as I know just how hard it is bringing up children and some, even with really great parents can go off the rails. Was v upset about no kids for a few years but I am now fine about it.i feel the same as some others that the world’s not a nice place and I am now relieved I don’t have kids to worry about.

 

[Cortez]

I felt the same as you. My ex decided, on the morning I was leaving to go have the tubal done, to get VERY hateful about it because he "Liked thinking he could if he wanted to." Huh! He already had a kid with a slut, that he dumped on his sister the first 8 years of it's life till I came along to raise it. Then when I left he dumped her on someone else. That being said, had I had the child I'd have been treated better during the divorce procedures. They just said, oh, you'll be okay...next in line please?
All in all, I have been as well off having had no children. But, society treats you as value-less if you don't.

Really? I must say I have never felt valueless, having children or not is not something that is anyone else's business. Although it rather sadly seems that your poor ex-stepdaughter has not been particularly valued by anybody in her life.

 

[Upthecreek]

When I had three kids under 5 I did on a daily basis feel I had bitten off more than I could chew. When husband got home from work I literally threw them at him and went to do my horses. It was my saviour to have a couple of hours to myself and it meant I could come home feeling refreshed and ready for the onslaught of getting the little buggers to bed.

It was hard physically, mentally and financially but I would not change a moment. I made it very clear to my husband that they were “our children” so he was not looking after them like a babysitter, he was doing his share of the childcare. We both made sacrifices to enable us to continue with our hobbies, but there is no reason you can’t find a way to continue doing the things you love if you really want to.

I was not at all maternal until I had my own and I really worried during my first pregnancy that I wouldn’t bond with the baby. That all changed the moment our eyes met. I knew I would die for her.

There is no right or wrong about choosing to have kids or choosing not to have them. If you want to be rich definitely don’t have them though ?

 

[catembi]

Thanks for posting, your experience truly gives me hope!
if you dont mind me asking, is the idea with HRT to taper down the dose at a certain age to ’imitate’ a gentle menopause? What age would that be?
Im not looking forward to natural menopause due to hormone wackiness, and the sudden inevitable slump of barely any hormones, as ive had wacky hormones for so long, its just done me in, and although im mostly accepting of these processes going awry sometimes, when drastic, its time to just cut losses, eg hysterectomy, and artificially mimiking the process. At least then i’ll be able to actually make plans and stick to them, without calling off ill due to cycling symptoms.

Ohhhh yes, white breeches & random heavy bleeding is NOT a match made in heaven, & I was sooooo relieved to get rid of the whole mess. I usually had one pair of breeches on, one in the wash & one on the line (dark colours!), & was constantly cleaning my saddle seat. More than once I had to come charging off the arena having felt an almighty squelch, thrown horse in stable, run in the house, cleaned up, got changed, cleaned saddle & gone back out. One of the first things I did post hyst was buy WHITE UNDERWEAR...!!!!!!!!!!! Every time I go to get HRT, firstly they reassure me that I haven't got to come off it, then they threaten to start tapering it off. I am on 2 mcg (or whatever the units are) a day of oestrogen only, & I might get put down to 1 mcg by my mid 50s... A lady in my writers' group is 74/5 & still on HRT... There is no breast cancer in my family, I am very fit & not overweight & have never smoked, so I am hoping to hang in there for a bit longer! I don't sleep when not on HRT, & was getting the most monumental hot flushes. (Sorry if TMI - I am Aspie & if people ask me for info, I tend to give it. My filter doesn't always work.)

 

[ycbm]

All in all, I have been as well off having had no children. But, society treats you as value-less if you don't.

I've never been treated as valueless, even back in the eighties when it was quite unusual for married women to say they didn't want children.
.

 

[Shilasdair]

I never felt very strongly either for or against having children. I think you have to feel strongly FOR it to go ahead, and so I never did.

My fiancé has a grown up daughter from his first marriage - and she has recently had one of those human foal things - so if I wanted to mingle with young things, I'd have the chance.

On the whole, the planet is better for having fewer destructive humans on it.

I feel my mother perhaps wasn't fond of babies either given her pronouncement that 'All babies look like Chairman Mao'.

 

[Rowreach]

I don't care if people want to have children or choose not to have children. I feel desperately sorry for anyone (whatever gender) who wants to have children and cannot have them.

I have no time whatsoever for people with children who make judgement calls about people who don't, or people without children who for some reason think they are eminently superior to people with them. Personal choice, either way.

 

[meleeka]

Thank you everybody

All good thoughts and opinions

I haven’t changed my mind about having kids, but I’ve just lost another potential relationship because of it and I’m feeling very lonely and useless

Im not sure why said bloke thought a 42 year old woman was ideal breeding material in the first place but very little that men do makes sense to me anyway

Think how unfair it would be to bring a child into this world just to please a partner. As lots of others said, bringing up children is very hard, so I can’t imagine why you’d let yourself in for it if you weren’t 100% sure it’s what you want.

You aren’t useless. You are your own person and want more out of your life than just to pop out babies. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that and your future life partner will be someone that shares your view. How can you spend your life with someone that disagrees on such an important issue anyway?

I have two boys, one grown up and one teenager. Although I’ve undoubtedly made sacrifices, I couldn’t just be a mother and nothing else, so to a certain extent they’ve had to fit in to my life. It was easier because I have my own land but there’s nothing quite like the guilt of dragging a sick child up to do the horses because nobody else can do it.

Have kids or don’t, but don’t ever let a man decide that for you.

 

[Lady Jane]

No children, no regrets, and not keen on any children. Age 60 - think its a bit late to change my mind!!!!

 

[PurBee]

Ohhhh yes, white breeches & random heavy bleeding is NOT a match made in heaven, & I was sooooo relieved to get rid of the whole mess. I usually had one pair of breeches on, one in the wash & one on the line (dark colours!), & was constantly cleaning my saddle seat. More than once I had to come charging off the arena having felt an almighty squelch, thrown horse in stable, run in the house, cleaned up, got changed, cleaned saddle & gone back out. One of the first things I did post hyst was buy WHITE UNDERWEAR...!!!!!!!!!!! Every time I go to get HRT, firstly they reassure me that I haven't got to come off it, then they threaten to start tapering it off. I am on 2 mcg (or whatever the units are) a day of oestrogen only, & I might get put down to 1 mcg by my mid 50s... A lady in my writers' group is 74/5 & still on HRT... There is no breast cancer in my family, I am very fit & not overweight & have never smoked, so I am hoping to hang in there for a bit longer! I don't sleep when not on HRT, & was getting the most monumental hot flushes. (Sorry if TMI - I am Aspie & if people ask me for info, I tend to give it. My filter doesn't always work.)

I relate! Menstrual issues and white clothes are not best pals ? I have a stash of nappies for hoof poultices, so if things get really stupid and niagara falls ever occurs, im covered ?

It would be nice to have some of my more ‘active younger’ years pelvic pain free. Have always resisted drastic surgery but there comes a point after it dominating life, that its a real option on the table, and with various HRT options available, plummeting into menopause is no longer the begrudged side-effect.

Glad youre doing so well from it and its great to know being so physically well that being active with horses is still possible!

 

[maya2008]

I did it at 33 and 35. No regrets, even though the second child caused some interesting physical problems. Still have horses, just more justification now as we need one each!

 

[PapaverFollis]

I'm not quite past it yet (nearly 38 though) but really can't see my mind changing. Asked to have tubes tied at the doctors several times. Always been told "no" and sent packing. Cos apparently I can't possibly know my own mind... they never seem to believe me that I can barely look after myself, never mind a small human, even post ASD diagnosis.

Mainly it's just not being maternal that's stopped me but I think if I wasn't so pessimistic about the state of the world and where we are going I'd have been tempted. Would either have let it run totally feral or been a suffocating control freak and given it mental problem though so probably not a good idea. Myself and MrPF were saying that in the current situation with Covid if we had a teenager we'd have installed a caravan and made them live in it if they wanted to go to school. ? so perhaps not parent material? ?

Also because not having a kid lessons my environmental impact so much I feel less bad about it when I fail at minimising my environmental impact in other ways. ?

 

[KEK]

Such an interesting post. Have thought about it lots, 36 but OH is 46 and I think that's getting up there. Very vehemently anti when younger, now more fence sitting, but more worried I will regret not doing it later rather than really wanting them. My sister just had a kid (1st in family) and I'm not particularly into him, and I look at her and go "Wow that looks like so much work" so I don't think I'm cut out for Motherhood.
I'm in the dog agility world and ditto to whoever said that dog/horse women are often childless- it's very much the norm in my world.

 

[scats]

I’m not maternal in the slightest and the thought of pregnancy and child birth fills me with terror. I genuinely think it’s a bit of a phobia, I’ve had a fear of giving birth since I was a teenager. I do quite like the thought of dressing one up, as baby clothes are amazing, but that’s as far as it goes!

I do love my friends little ‘uns though, but they don’t make me want any. I’ll stick to being that mad, animal collecting Aunty!

I’m 36 now and my family have given up on me having any. I also don’t do relationships and rarely feel an attraction to anyone. Even all my previous relationships have been because I felt I ‘had to’ to conform to society, but I genuinely felt no attraction to any of them other than that I thought they were nice people.

I also think back to my childhood and it was amazing. I remember the freedom of days out, coming home late after some adventure and realise that if I had children, I would be confined due to the horses and I actually wouldn’t want that for them in the early years.

 

[Not_so_brave_anymore]

Also because not having a kid lessons my environmental impact so much I feel less bad about it when I fail at minimising my environmental impact in other ways. ?

This is exactly how I feel about not taking any long haul flights. The fact that I can't even afford a train to London is neither here nor there ?

 

[Scotsbadboy]

Dont weaken, stay strong, you do not have to follow the masses and reproduce! We arent an endangered species, we dont need anymore! Genuinely dont understand the fuss, fill your life with beautiful horses, time, nice things and peacefulness.

Stay strong, dont be a sheep

 

[Errin Paddywack]

I have never been remotely maternal except towards animals so never wanted any and fortunately neither did my husband. I had a work friend who was so against having children that she had savings put aside for an abortion if it had ever happened.
With the world as it is now I am so glad not to have any children or grandchildren to worry about.

 

[ycbm]

I haven’t changed my mind about having kids, but I’ve just lost another potential relationship because of it and I’m feeling very lonely and useless

Im not sure why said bloke thought a 42 year old woman was ideal breeding material in the first place but very little that men do makes sense to me anyway

In all honesty, Frumpoon, if this is your reason for starting this thread, please don't. You might regret it badly, the man still might not stay, and hoping a child will fill the loneliness would be unfair on the child.

You may be lonely right now but you aren't useless. Any man who makes a woman feel that way because she doesn't want or can't have children is a man whose genes should not be being replicated anyway!
.

 

[huskydamage]

Im almost 33, I've always wanted kids but "not now". I had the depo jab for years, I am now aware I will be getting too old so I have come off it. I have a lot of internal scaring from surgery/infection when I was younger and was told I may have problems so the decision might be taken out of my hands anyway. I like children but I don't like babies and it seems everyone I know who had a baby lost their whole identity and just lives for the baby and nothing else. My mum assures me they are making a big deal and she was quite happy carrying on riding and up the yard with me screaming in a pram in the winter ? and said she never liked other peoples babies and still doesnt but liked her own ?‍

 

[blitznbobs]

Oh I read that wrong. I've had children and changed my mind.

Yep

 

[ownedbyaconnie]

I honestly do not understand people that feel the need to push their opinions on others when it comes to having children. Have them or don't have them I couldn't care less! As long as the child is loved, fed, kept warm that is all that matters.

Agree with what someone said above, it's not selfish to understand you don't want children. It's selfish to force yourself to have them because society/OH/parents/inlaws think you should. My OH's brother's mother in law told her daughter that it was selfish to not have children. Because SHE wants a grandchild. How can she not see the irony in that

I have always been very very maternal. I am the oldest of 4 siblings, the youngest of which is 12 years younger than me and I helped out with her a lot whilst my Mum was struggling with MH issues. My best friend is the complete opposite, has zero interest in babies at the moment. Do I care, no. The qualities I look for in my best friend are kindness, generosity, good sense of humour etc. Not willingness to have children.

OP, you do you and tell anyone that tries to make you do otherwise to F off.

 

[Nudibranch]

Not aimed OP at all but this thread does read quite offensively in places to someone who has had children. It seems people with kids are fair game. Why is that?
It's not selfish to have children, or not to have. The only person who can make that choice is the individual. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Some of the inferences made by those who have chosen not to, about people who have however, are quite rude. I don't see it happening the other way round. Live and let live.

 

[BeckyFlowers]

Not aimed OP at all but this thread does read quite offensively in places to someone who has had children. It seems people with kids are fair game. Why is that?
It's not selfish to have children, or not to have. The only person who can make that choice is the individual. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Some of the inferences made by those who have chosen not to, about people who have however, are quite rude. I don't see it happening the other way round. Live and let live.

It's happened the other way round for centuries, hasn't it?! It's only in recent years that women who have no children aren't (for the most part) frowned upon or called names such as "selfish", "worthless" and "spinster".

I really don't understand the logic of calling someone who has chosen not to add to the world's population "selfish". Doesn't make sense to me at all.

 

[ponyparty]

I think I’ve been quite open and honest on this forum about how I’ve felt since having mine! Also a “happy accident”, but I really wasn’t happy for a long time. Hated pregnancy and was in pain for most of it, hated the invasion of privacy and the way your body is no longer your own, hated the prying questions from people....
I was 32 when I had him. Had bought my long term loan horse just 4 months before I found out I was pregnant, was enjoying a lovely life with OH, had lots of plans, progressing my career after a fairly recent career change... So it was a lot to get my head round, a massive permanent change to our lives. Our son has just turned 2 now and it’s got a lot easier; I do still struggle with the lack of freedom sometimes.

I also have physical issues still from pregnancy (this is quite common) which may remain for life (also quite common - nobody ever tells you that though!). My right hip has been giving me gyp since, it hurts like hell when riding; I’m waiting for x ray results currently. And the mental health issues since having him... I’ve been to some very dark places. Post partum depression/psychosis is another thing that's A LOT more common than you’d think. I’m ok now, and just try not to think about it, it was really quite terrifying. Like a door opened to a part of my mind I didn't know existed. Even though the door is firmly shut and locked now, I know it's there and I still find it terrifying.

I didn’t want children, but when it happened we were faced with a decision and thought we’d go for it. I wouldn’t have planned it; if the contraception failure hadn’t happened we’d still be child free now. I no longer have a horse (lost him in May) and can’t afford to replace him due to childcare and other related child costs; my salary isn’t that high. Plus TIME! I have no time. I've recently taken on a part-loan 3 days per week, and that is really the very limit of what I can do. I need to progress my career - a struggle when you keep having to have time off for this and that, or get ill all the time because you’re so exhausted and run down, and babies bring home every bug known to mankind from nursery and other germ ridden children. So will just have to wait for my own horse again, when I've got more disposable income again. If that ever happens.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my son, he wants for nothing and I’ve even surprised myself with how intuitively I know what he wants/needs etc. He’s also really quite fun and entertaining now! The things they come out with ? it’s still hard though, a very repetitive, boring (to me - I have friends who LOVE looking after babies and playing etc... I just don’t have it in me!) lifestyle of drudgery really, constantly tidying, cleaning, wiping, changing nappies, cleaning up accidents, fingerprints, crayons, play doh in the carpet, did I mention cleaning?

It has a permanent effect on your body, mind, freedom, finances, house (it’s a mess constantly!), everything really! So if you don’t THINK you want to do it... probably don’t, as it’ll be even more of a shock to the system than for someone who’s always wanted one and loves babies/children ?

OH has now had the snip as we are both like HELL NO that is never happening again! Wish I’d asked them to tie my tubes while I was open for C-section too, to make double sure ? if I were to get pregnant again I wouldn't have it. At this age, our son is just starting to get a bit more independent and fun; the thought of going through all that baby stuff again ? nah, it’s just not for me!

I will never say I wish I hadn’t had him, as he’s absolutely lovely - but if I’d known then what I know now, I don’t think I would have.

I can’t even be bothered to feel guilty about feeling like this any more, the constant parental guilt is exhausting. I don’t think my son can detect that I didn’t really want a baby though, anyway! OH is his favourite parent, purely because when he looks after him he devotes his undivided attention to him, whereas when I look after him, I tend to be getting on with housework/cooking/work at the same time; I expect him to play independently more, whereas OH devises games etc for him. He still just wants his mummy when he's tired or poorly though. We adore him and are raising him to the best of our ability. I hope when he’s older and maybe considering whether he wants children, we can have a grown up conversation about it and I can explain to him. I’d hate for him to have to go through what OH went through when I was struggling mentally; and would like him to know that whilst there are joyful moments, parenting is HARD! We might all be dead by then of course, through another new supervirus or global warming ? I do worry for his future with the way the world is going.


FWIW I don't feel offended by any of the comments on this thread from the not-had-children camp. I think they're all fair comment, if we're really honest with ourselves. However, let's remember that we do need a population to keep the country/world going; if everyone stopped having children altogether we'd be in a mess! We need children and young people in society.

 

[milliepops]

It's happened the other way round for centuries, hasn't it?! It's only in recent years that women who have no children aren't (for the most part) frowned upon or called names such as "selfish", "worthless" and "spinster".

yes, exactly. And many of us are still regularly asked by relatives and other nosy parkers when we're going to get on and produce as though there's something fundamentally wrong with us for not wanting to.

I have never wanted children, don't really like them and don't fancy changing my priorities to accommodate one - that's the only sense that the "selfish" description makes sense to me. It's all me me me, and my horses (oh, and that work thing ).

Fortunately OH feels the same way, we had that discussion right at the start because both were at an age where it would become more important to make decisions quickly and tbh if he had been desperate for a child I would probably have been just about persuadable... but he is the only man I've ever felt that way about.

My mum has started doing the "who will look after you when you're old" thing... of course I will look after my parents as they become more needy but I would not wish to put that burden on a child of my own what will we do? push each other off a cliff as per oldie's suggestion i reckon.