Has anybody had a later life change of mind on having children....?

[maisie06]

Like 35-45

How did it work out?

Could you still keep and afford your horses?

Absolutely not, I don't earn enough money for a start and I rent rather than own a home so not an ideal situation to bring a child I can't afford into the world, in fact I would be highly irresponsible to do so, I'm also too old an too ugly, I knew from a very young age I wouldn;t be having children as I also wouldn't want a child to have to be bullied for his/her looks like I was.

I can NEVER forgive my parents for being stupid/selfish enougn to have a child they couldn't afford or be bothered to look after, nor would I want a child of mone to be lumped with them as grand parents!! So nope nope nope!!!

 

[Jambarissa]

@cheekywelshie I am so sorry to hear that. It does sound like big changes are coming your way. You are brave to make a change and I hope it all goes very well.

We were told we couldn't have kids without ivf of the 'inject sperm into egg' kind, decided against it, planned a life and bought a young and challenging horse, then got pregnant obviously.

Baby was very neuro diverse and a living hell. I do not know how I survived. I definitely didn't come through unscathed. Young horse went insane/dangerous through lack of consistency (I think). Kept as an expensive and stressful-to-own pasture ornament.

My son is a teenager now and he's an absolute joy but still very hard work and I cannot overstate how much we worry about his future.

There's no way to know how things would have turned out and it seems to be human nature to assume the path you didn't take would have been perfect.

 

[cheekywelshie]

@cheekywelshie I am so sorry to hear that. It does sound like big changes are coming your way. You are brave to make a change and I hope it all goes very well.

We were told we couldn't have kids without ivf of the 'inject sperm into egg' kind, decided against it, planned a life and bought a young and challenging horse, then got pregnant obviously.

Baby was very neuro diverse and a living hell. I do not know how I survived. I definitely didn't come through unscathed. Young horse went insane/dangerous through lack of consistency (I think). Kept as an expensive and stressful-to-own pasture ornament.

My son is a teenager now and he's an absolute joy but still very hard work and I cannot overstate how much we worry about his future.

There's no way to know how things would have turned out and it seems to be human nature to assume the path you didn't take would have been perfect.

Thank you. I kind of wish I had never gotten pregnant in the first place - the hormonal changes really messes me up a bit after that. I had to leave a friendship as it was too difficult although I did explain to my friend- she and her wife went the sperm donor route, they went to the US and she was telling me about how they could choose the hair colour etc. Obviously it’s impossible not to talk about it as the child is the centre of her life so I had to close the door for now. I’m not sure what next, I’ve thought about adoption but I also know how hard that is and not sure my other half is ready for that. Our own relationship can be rocky so it’s probably not a good idea but I can’t make the sadness go away. I tried counselling but it didn’t really help. Obviously when I go to see my horse it all goes away for those few hours…I think there is no cut off for adoption but I do feel at a crossroads and miss my folks and best friend in the area I grew up ,but not sure moving back there is the right answer either

 

[Blanche]

Thank you. I kind of wish I had never gotten pregnant in the first place - the hormonal changes really messes me up a bit after that. I had to leave a friendship as it was too difficult although I did explain to my friend- she and her wife went the sperm donor route, they went to the US and she was telling me about how they could choose the hair colour etc. Obviously it’s impossible not to talk about it as the child is the centre of her life so I had to close the door for now. I’m not sure what next, I’ve thought about adoption but I also know how hard that is and not sure my other half is ready for that. Our own relationship can be rocky so it’s probably not a good idea but I can’t make the sadness go away. I tried counselling but it didn’t really help. Obviously when I go to see my horse it all goes away for those few hours…I think there is no cut off for adoption but I do feel at a crossroads and miss my folks and best friend in the area I grew up ,but not sure moving back there is the right answer either

Have you considered fostering? Sending hugs as you deal with your loses and choosing your future path.

 

[SEL]

Came across this old thread and wondered how anyone who couldn’t have kids managed to move on. I had a series of miscarriages in my early 40s and now 46 but still feel very sad about it.

Separately, I miss my parents who live about 150 miles away. My horse is an old boy and he keeps me sane but I think after him I might move closer to my family, rethink my relationship, house the lot. At a bit of a cross roads…

I think it's very hard if you are one of those women who desperately wanted a child and couldn't. I was always ambivalent (& that's not a good place to bring a child into the world) but I have a friend who went through many cycles of expensive IVF and it just didn't happen for them.

Allowing herself to grieve I think was important and she did avoid our wider friendship group for a while - it was full of baby talk. I don't think anyone meant to make her feel bad but children are all consuming so that's what they spoke about. I found it boring but she found it hurtful.

Then she bought a spaniel puppy and if ever there's something that's all consuming it's a spaniel! She also got heavily into fitness training (bit obsessive) & I think both were a distraction. I know it still hurts because recently she said it was a relief all our friends kids are older because they don't talk non stop about them now, but I think she's found a lot of satisfaction in other parts of her life.

I'm sorry you've had such an awful time. It's ok to be sad and to think about what could have been but I think there's a lot else in life to enjoy xx

 

[Horseysheepy]

By the time I became maternal, and was with a man I love and adore, I was far too old to become pregnant.
To be honest, I would not have wanted a child with my ex partner during my fertile years anyway as he turned into a very unpleasant man indeed.

In my late 40's now, I would dearly love to be a mother, I often feel very left out of conversations amongst groups of mothers (not their fault!) and feel like I've missed out in some way.
But we have our jobs, our farm and the horses to keep us (forever!) busy, so it's no good dwelling over what I can't change, it's good to appreciate what you have got, and enjoy life - it's incredibly precious.

 

[Cocorules]

I wanted kids but also wanted to keep my two ponies and time was not in my side. My husband wasn't keen, but would have had them if I had felt strongly enough. It was a financial decision not to have them. I am now a long way past being able to have kids.

I would still rather have had children, but I would make the same choice again. It isn't something that causes me a lot of grief, but not having been pregnant I think it is easier than for someone whose hormones have kicked in.

 

[Cragrat]

So many heartbreaking stories. I wish there was a hug / care button. Sad or love don't always see the right response.

Maise - oh my word I am so sorry you feel that way, and had such a tough upbringing! There is so much to say, but I'm worried it will seem trite or patronising, and that really isn't my intention. There are so many 'pretty' people who are so downright ugly inside they should never have been allowed to have children. I totally understand your decision, but it makes me so sad.

Hormones are strange and fickle things. I have children, and horses, and absolutley no realistic reason to need /want/ be able to afford the time or the money for another child. And yet, at various times in my late 30s early 40s, I fantasised about the possibilty of my husband getting his vasectomy reversed! Madness to even think about it, but it wasn't the logical part of my brain doing the thinking :\

 

[gallopingby]

Thank you. I kind of wish I had never gotten pregnant in the first place - the hormonal changes really messes me up a bit after that. I had to leave a friendship as it was too difficult although I did explain to my friend- she and her wife went the sperm donor route, they went to the US and she was telling me about how they could choose the hair colour etc. Obviously it’s impossible not to talk about it as the child is the centre of her life so I had to close the door for now. I’m not sure what next, I’ve thought about adoption but I also know how hard that is and not sure my other half is ready for that. Our own relationship can be rocky so it’s probably not a good idea but I can’t make the sadness go away. I tried counselling but it didn’t really help. Obviously when I go to see my horse it all goes away for those few hours…I think there is no cut off for adoption but I do feel at a crossroads and miss my folks and best friend in the area I grew up ,but not sure moving back there is the right answer either

There is no ‘to old’ date for adoption but l would advise fostering rather than adoption and see how it goes. I think most of the agencies have moved on a lot over the last 10/20 years but there are still some very disturbed kids placed for adoption (although not necesssrily advertised as such). There have been some recent studies looking into family genetics re nurture/nature and you need lots and lots of support as well as luck in hoping for a happy long term future. Foster kids may have a different outlook on life and some of the older ones, say 9 plus are sometimes good fun once they‘ve settled a bit.

 

[cheekywelshie]

Have you considered fostering? Sending hugs as you deal with your loses and choosing your future path.

Thought about it a little - big change as giving up work etc and if it doesn’t work out it could be difficult as I am the breadwinner so to speak, I’m not sure work would allow me time off

 

[gallopingby]

Worth enquiring at work cheekywelshie if it was likely to become a long term foster they should and if an adoptive placement even of an older child you are entitled to mat leave with pay.

 

[Hallo2012]

Good Lord no: not having children was best decision I've ever made!

i feel like this EVERY day lol!!!!

 

[cobgoblin]

A friend, who had children herself, always used to say that having children was the biggest con that nature ever managed to pull, and that those who fell for it were keen for others to be in the same position.

 

[Pearlsacarolsinger]

Thought about it a little - big change as giving up work etc and if it doesn’t work out it could be difficult as I am the breadwinner so to speak, I’m not sure work would allow me time off

Some fosterers also work outside the home. And if you foster, there is a lot more support available than to people who adopt.

 

[Bernster]

I read one of my earlier replies and, interestingly, I have now had a couple of friends say they wouldn’t have kids if they had the choice again. They love them but it was a big life changer and not necessarily in a good way. It’s possible this is something that happens when kids are at a more difficult age I suppose but it’s the first time I’d heard anyone share that view.

 

[maya2008]

I had mine at 33 and 35. We now have more horses than before, but less for me to ride! I went into it as the next adventure, having achieved all that I wanted with the horses beforehand. It’s been as much of a challenge as the ponies ever were, but I am still glad we did it. We decided beforehand that if we weren’t successful we would adopt. My bio kids are neurodiverse and challenging so I don’t think it would have been a much different road to travel. The horses have helped enormously, and would have done also for adopted kids.

I was a teacher once, and have always had the utmost respect for the families who did adopt and gave it their all. In the end, a child who hadn’t asked for or deserved the rubbish hand life had given them, got a secure home, lots of love and a safety net into adulthood. Many of them had been primary aged before anyone adopted them, and they adored their parents fiercely, writing and talking about how much better life now was. Being secure, having extended family, not having to move on again…it meant everything.

 

[SEL]

Thought about it a little - big change as giving up work etc and if it doesn’t work out it could be difficult as I am the breadwinner so to speak, I’m not sure work would allow me time off

One of my best friends fostered a little girl with the intention - court process permitting - of adopting her. Work treat it the same as maternity leave.

Best thing that's ever happened to either of them. The little girl has totally thrived and my friend is exhausted but happy. Single mum because she got fed up of waiting to find a man who she could even vaguely imagine settling down with.

 

[Lois Lame]

A friend, who had children herself, always used to say that having children was the biggest con that nature ever managed to pull...

I often say this myself, but not the end bit so I've chopped it off.

 

[Lois Lame]

I read one of my earlier replies and, interestingly, I have now had a couple of friends say they wouldn’t have kids if they had the choice again. They love them but it was a big life changer and not necessarily in a good way. It’s possible this is something that happens when kids are at a more difficult age I suppose but it’s the first time I’d heard anyone share that view.

I sometimes joke that in my next life, I won't have children. People usually respond with the unliklihood of there being a next life, rather than the point I am really making.

 

[Barton Bounty]

Thought about it a little - big change as giving up work etc and if it doesn’t work out it could be difficult as I am the breadwinner so to speak, I’m not sure work would allow me time off

Most foster carers still have jobs too what a wonderful thing to do

 

[Pearlsacarolsinger]

Most foster carers still have jobs too what a wonderful thing to do

They do, I've known several foster carers who worked outside the home. However, I also know a couple who applied to foster, went through a long selection process and eventually decided not to go through with it because they were told that they should have given up work during the process. It didn't make sense to me, goodness knows how they were supposed to support themselves, before they had any children living with them. Perhaps it depends on the LA where you live.

 

[ycbm]

I read one of my earlier replies and, interestingly, I have now had a couple of friends say they wouldn’t have kids if they had the choice again. They love them but it was a big life changer and not necessarily in a good way. It’s possible this is something that happens when kids are at a more difficult age I suppose but it’s the first time I’d heard anyone share that view.

They are very brave, it's an opinion I don't think most people would dare say out loud or even to themselves. I've often wondered how many parents feel the same and I'd take a bet it's not a small proportion. Heaven forbid that a child ever hears their parent say it, though.

I did hear a mother once tell her two children of under 10 "I wish I'd never had you". I felt very sad for them.
.

 

[Widgeon]

I sometimes joke that in my next life, I won't have children. People usually respond with the unliklihood of there being a next life, rather than the point I am really making.

I guess discussing the likelihood of an afterlife is easier and less awkward for them than discussing your real point. Which I find quite hilarious really.

As a non-parent I find it baffling how so many parents seem to want to suck others into their Suffering Club. If I say I'm tired, or the house feels messy, they respond with "wait until you have children" (because my experiences as a busy adult without children are basically Not Valid). They also like to talk about how their children are their world, which appears to revolve around Baby Yoga, Saturday football, dance classes, Baby French, and other things that make me want to drown myself in a vat of gin. That's usually the point at which I realise I don't want to be friends with that person any more.

Obviously not all parents do it - my *real* friends, the ones who have horses and dogs and crazy full on lives - tend to be very honest about the fact that their small kids are chaotic and exhausting, but also comical and adorable and good fun (sometimes). That kind of honest approach is a much better sales pitch for "why kids are worth considering", if I'm honest.

 

[Widgeon]

They are very brave, it's an opinion I don't think most people would dare say out loud or even to themselves. I've often wondered how many parents feel the same and I'd take a bet it's not a small proportion. Heaven forbid that a child ever hears their parent say it, though.

I did hear a mother once tell her two children of under 10 "I wish I'd never had you". I felt very sad for them.
.

Honestly I would be amazed if anyone didn't think this more or less every other day between the ages of about one and five. I've always assumed it's perfectly normal.

Obviously kids don't have the ability to contextualize it the way adults do so it would be unfair to let on to them....I don't understand why parents aren't more honest with each other though.

 

[oldie48]

The thing about having children is you get what you are given not always what you would choose or think you will get. I have two, one when I was late 20's in a marriage that was not great and later broke down. One in early 40's, totally unplanned but I am over 30 years later still very happily married to the father. Much as I love both children one has given me much pain and worry, the other has given me much joy and worry! I'm not sure the "worry" ever disappears completely. For years children take over your life, I inherited 3 step children who came to live with us and tbh it is easy to lose yourself in their needs, however, they grow up, lead their own lives and form relationships that are actually more immediately consuming than the one they have with a parent and that is how it should be. Long and short of it, I think I could have been very happy without children but my life would have been very different. I'm sorry that you can't have children, I have friends who have fostered and adopted, not an easy road by any means, I also have several friends who do not have children but seem to have very full happy lives. In my day we didn't post happy pics of wonderful children doing amazingly clever things we tended to drink coffee in each others homes and say how completely shattered we were, which tbh is a lot more healthy, I think.

 

[nikkimariet]

I have always known I didn’t want kids. I honestly cannot imagine anything worse and I do not believe I would make a good mother.

 

[blitznbobs]

I remember once a list of the uks hardest jobs and number 1 on the list was a junior doctor (it was in the ‘good ole days’ when we did 84 hour weekends … ) and at number 3 on the list was ‘being a parent.’ Now i have done both jobs and that list is a joke - being a parent is so much harder than being a junior doctor - it is relentless, tiring, stressful and worst of all, no days off, no on call cover, no pay.

But mostly ‘no days off’ you even have to take the little people on holiday with you ….

Having said that I genuinely wouldnt have not done it and given my time again i would have kids - they do add a huge level of meaning to your life and you have some absolute treasured moments that make your heart sing and your face ache with laughter BUT

If you dont want kids with every crumb if your being, dont have them, you need that need when it gets tough and it gets tough about 3 times a day!

Note - i do have a child with special needs so this is harder than some but there are no Guarantees that when you take the path to children that this wont be your path too…

 

[blitznbobs]

I remember once a list of the uks hardest jobs and number 1 on the list was a junior doctor (it was in the ‘good ole days’ when we did 84 hour weekends … ) and at number 3 on the list was ‘being a parent.’ Now i have done both jobs and that list is a joke - being a parent is so much harder than being a junior doctor - it is relentless, tiring, stressful and worst of all, no days off, no on call cover, no pay.

But mostly ‘no days off’ you even have to take the little people on holiday with you ….

Having said that I genuinely wouldnt have not done it and given my time again i would have kids - they do add a huge level of meaning to your life and you have some absolute treasured moments that make your heart sing and your face ache with laughter BUT

If you dont want kids with every crumb if your being, dont have them, you need that need when it gets tough and it gets tough about 3 times a day!

Note - i do have a child with special needs so this is harder than some but there are no Guarantees that when you take the path to children that this wont be your path too…

Oh and when they are little it is so so so boring - watching the same episode of tractor ted on a loop whilst picking playdoh off the sofa is ‘such fun’

 

[Snow Falcon]

@blitznbobs digging a ditch, digging a ditch to clear away the weeds, digging a ditch, digging a ditch that's what this field needs,

 

[ycbm]

I have always known I didn’t want kids. I honestly cannot imagine anything worse and I do not believe I would make a good mother.

Ditto, hence the crocodile clips.
.