Has anybody had a later life change of mind on having children....?

[Hormonal Filly]

I find this subject something I often think about at the moment.

I’m in my late 20s, not married but stable relationship. Several dogs, horse.. I’m very independent and we both have our own hobbies.

I’m sure we’d make good parents but equally it is SUCH a big life change. My partner would love to. I always said no because I really think into everything (our lives would have to change so much to suit a baby) but as I’ve got older I feel so SO much pressure to have them.

 

[AmyMay]

Those of you who feel pressured to have children - by whom exactly?

 

[ycbm]

Hopeful would-be grandparents and those in society, not uncommon in my experience, who ask "but who's going to look after you when you're old?". The latter being possibly the worst reason anyone ever put forward to have a child.
.

 

[timefort]

Those of you who feel pressured to have children - by whom exactly?

Everyone who doesn't know me! I've had comments from neighbours, work colleagues, while being interviewed (yes I know they're not supposed to ask), people at stables/kennels etc. This is followed by the random awkwardness as they say " you'll change your mind" -- err no, or "you don't know what you're missing" -- err quite a good idea or "isn't your life incomplete?" -- err no.

The only people who have never asked are my close friends and family who have more sense

 

[Kunoichi73]

I have always known I didn’t want kids. I honestly cannot imagine anything worse and I do not believe I would make a good mother.

This is me too. I like my own time and space. I like that I can spend my money on me and my interests.

I don't particularly like children, I'm not comfortable around them and I'm certainly not patient or tolerant enough to be in charge of them!

I occasionally feel bad for my mum, as she would have made an absolutely fantastic grandmother, not that she's ever put any pressure on my sister or me.

 

[Accidental Eventer]

I find this subject something I often think about at the moment.

I’m in my late 20s, not married but stable relationship. Several dogs, horse.. I’m very independent and we both have our own hobbies.

I’m sure we’d make good parents but equally it is SUCH a big life change. My partner would love to. I always said no because I really think into everything (our lives would have to change so much to suit a baby) but as I’ve got older I feel so SO much pressure to have them.

So I was a bit like you, knew I'd be a good parent but was very scared of the huge change. I never thought I wanted children, didn't really like children and was perfectly happy with my fur family!

I felt lots of pressure too, from everyone. My friends, family, random people all asking when I was going to have kids. all telling me I would change my mind one day.

Anyway, eventually I decided I did want to have a baby. It was a VERY considered decision, I thought a lot about every aspect but when it came down to it, I wanted to have a baby and that outweighed all the other concerns. I think that was the most important bit for me, that i was excited to have a baby and all the other 'problems' could be solved some way or another.

My life does look very different now, but also similar (I compete, but less often, I still do the horses every day but they aren't my whole world, I have a new hobby, some days are consumed by housework, I like my job at the office more!). My life does revolve around my small person, and sometimes that is so hard. But mostly life is so full of joy and love. I get horse time, and my partner is very much an equal parent. I think that make things easier. I am very grateful I only had a child on my own terms. Doing it because I am the right age, married, everyone else is doing it, I think would make parenting a lot harder because in the back of your mind you might be thinking I wish I had never done this. I thankfully don't have that feeling because I knew it was what I wanted and had come to that conclusion with a lot of unbiased support (my husband was floored when I told him I wanted a baby).

I now get a lot of pressure to have number 2. However unless I get that totally overwhelming feeling that having another is the right thing to do I wont be having number 2. Parenting is tough, and unless you really want it, I wouldn't do it. Power to those families with multiple children, it's not for me.

I honestly think I would drown if I had another baby. I get a horrible anxious feeling just thinking about it so it's very unlikely to happen. I considered having my baby life's next big adventure, and I am so glad I have him. I've ticked that box and now I am waiting to see what the next adventure might be (hopefully buying a horse property and getting another dog!).

This is just my pov, I just related to your post a lot!

 

[wispagold]

@blitznbobs digging a ditch, digging a ditch to clear away the weeds, digging a ditch, digging a ditch that's what this field needs,

... It goes round and around and around. It goes round and around and around. It goes round and around and around and around, round and around and around...

But the carrot song is brilliant!

 

[Lois Lame]

I find this subject something I often think about at the moment.

I’m in my late 20s, not married but stable relationship. Several dogs, horse.. I’m very independent and we both have our own hobbies.

I’m sure we’d make good parents but equally it is SUCH a big life change. My partner would love to. I always said no because I really think into everything (our lives would have to change so much to suit a baby) but as I’ve got older I feel so SO much pressure to have them.

And that is sad, the pressure from... wherever it's from. Why do we do it?? In the past I know I have done it to others, not realising.

I have great respect for anyone who takes the road that is suited to them (ETA: and doesn't put pressure on anyone).

 

[TPO]

Slightly off topic re fostering.

I found out about this through a budgeting page on Instagram. Ot was someone in their early 30s who'd "fostered" an older teenager rather than take a lodger. Bear with me, it's not as callous as I've made it sound.

The woman had a spare room so was considering a lodger for extra money. She then found out that her local authority was looking for people in that sort of position to offer "supported lodgings". She looked into it because she liked the idea of being able to help a young person.

It varies council to council but basically they are are desperate/have a shortage of supported living for teenagers in the care system ages 16-18 iirc.

At that age I believe they leave the care system and are usually housed? However in an ideal world they'd live as part of a household to learn by doing/watching/gentle guidance how to run a house, budget, shop for food, etc and they are either in full time education and/or working.

The council pay the fosterer circa £1000pm but the young person is also expected to contribute to the household and buy their share of food etc to ready them for real life.

The fosterer would have their own jobs, that was fine. 16yr olds weren't to be left alone overnight but older kids could be.

This person said that meetings were set up to make sure you got on with the child, but that there was huge pressure from social work to take the first option. The person said you really had to stick to your gut feel and have at least a couple of meetings to make sure it was the right person. I believe that you have to commit for a minimum of a year.

I've probably not explained it very well but theninstagram page was Go Fund Yourself and every local authority website will have information about supported fostering. Forgot my main point, this was a single lady, early 30s, no desire for kids, full time job and wanted to help.

I know 16+ isn't a popular age for fostering/adopting but for those curious about fostering that could be a way to get started, while still working, and help a child.

 

[ArklePig]

I've been thinking about this over the last couple of days. I'm 32 and never wanted kids ever, but have been aware that time is running out if I did change my mind, but I was okay with that.

As of last week, my mam is terminally ill and if I did change my mind and have kids she would probably never meet them. I don't think that means I want them, just one of the things I've been considering about her illness. Definitely not the time for me to be making such decisions anyway.

 

[Bernster]

Those of you who feel pressured to have children - by whom exactly?

Aswell as the direct questions and comments, of which I had plenty when I was younger, don’t underestimate the social pressure either. When I was feeling a bit blue about not having kids, every advert on tv about a household showed parents and kids. There’s so much media out there and it’s heavily geared towards the classic family. I’d say less so now actually (there’s clearly a drive to show greater diversity, but mostly still with kids!) but it was very very much the case a few years back.

 

[AmyMay]

I’m so sorry to those of you who’ve felt pressured to have children. I genuinely never have.

 

[Errin Paddywack]

I never wanted kids, mum would have loved to be a gran although she did admit once she only really liked babies and they do unfortunately grow up. I can honestly say I have never had any pressure to have them and fortunately Michael didn't either. I did feel a bit odd when dad died, I was still in my 30's then and thought what a waste that our family line would not go on. Not enough to do anything about though. Now I sometimes feel sad that I have no family apart from my sister and brother and feel somewhat alone but given the state of the world at least I don't have to worry about anyone coping in the future.

 

[conniegirl]

Honestly I would be amazed if anyone didn't think this more or less every other day between the ages of about one and five. I've always assumed it's perfectly normal.

im sorry you feel that way.
Ive only ever thought this twice in the 2.5year of Ellie. Both times ive been under enormous stress from outside the home and not having a child would have made it easier to negotiate.

I do not regret having her at all! She is the light of my life and yes a large part of my life is consumed by Ellie, but i still have my pony, I still have my hobbies etc

 

[scats]

I’ve never felt pressured to have children, but I have had comments.
Mostly from work colleagues when I was teaching. I still get quite frustrated by the insinuation that a woman isn’t complete unless she’s had a child, you don’t know love until you’ve had a child… and all that nonsense that you see all over FB. Often shared by people I know who have just had children and are obviously in that little bubble of love, but it does grate a bit. I’m not a lesser person because I have chosen not to reproduce.

My family and friends know me well enough to know that i don’t do life traditionally and so a partner and children were never going to be in the pipeline. In my twenties I did have a few comments from some relatives about relationships, and I even tried to be normal and have a few, but I hated every second of it and came to the conclusion that some of us were designed to potter about on our own and that’s ok

I did used to feel a bit sad that my mum and dad wouldn’t get to be grandparents (more my mum, dad isn’t interested), but my niece came along last year so that’s filled that gap.

 

[lauragreen85]

Oh I read that wrong. I've had children and changed my mind.

LOL!!! this made me chuckle

 

[Tarragon]

I really, really didn't want children, until the age of 35 and then did a complete u-turn and really, really wanted children and now have 3 (all born before I turned 40 - which was very significant in my head for some bizarre reason!)
I don't think it was a conscious and considered decision, it just seemed to happen!
1. Having a reasonable successful career suddenly seemed pointless
2. Parents and grand-parents suddenly seemed to age
3. Surely there was more to life than just pleasing myself?

 

[nikkimariet]

Ditto, hence the crocodile clips.
.

Can’t physically have them which is an absolute blessing!

 

[nikkimariet]

This is me too. I like my own time and space. I like that I can spend my money on me and my interests.

I don't particularly like children, I'm not comfortable around them and I'm certainly not patient or tolerant enough to be in charge of them!

I occasionally feel bad for my mum, as she would have made an absolutely fantastic grandmother, not that she's ever put any pressure on my sister or me.

I adore my god daughter and her brother. I will always have a soft spot for my friends children but nothing is more peaceful than an adults only zone for me. I also do not have the emotional capacity for children, I’m too selfish with my body and my life and bringing up a whole other adult is such a huge no.

 

[planete]

i was curious about tube clipping when younger - a doctor refused my request saying i was too young to know for sure! A man telling me this! Since 14 having incredibly painful menstruation that affects 2 weeks out of 4, every damn month...and im meant to ‘cherish’ the process!
Answer in private if you prefer, but does ovulation stop and therefore menstruation completely stop with tube clipping?
So in effect if an egg isnt released then the hormone spike of estrogen/progesterone doesnt happen and the hormones would kinda mimic menopause and slowly stop being produced? How did you feel in the months afterwards?
I need a pelvic scan really as i have horrid abnormal symptoms, i was offered anti-depressants last time i requested diagnostics to decades worth of menstrual pain ? im at the point of thinking a full hysto is the way to go but that would mean immediate plummet into menopause, which isnt a bed of roses either.

Read up about endometriosis, sorry if it turns out not to be relevant but worth considering.

 

[ycbm]

Already answered.

 

[Cortez]

When we were about 9 or 10, my parents told my brother and I, in the nicest possible way, that if they were to do it all over again then they would not have had children. Fine by me, and my brother; they were wonderful parents. Neither of us have had children, BTW.

I had my tubes tied when I was 21; had to ask around a few doctors before they would do it, and I got a lot of "you'll regret it" sort of messaging. Nope, never did, even for a moment; best decision I've ever made.

 

[maisie06]

Hopeful would-be grandparents and those in society, not uncommon in my experience, who ask "but who's going to look after you when you're old?". The latter being possibly the worst reason anyone ever put forward to have a child.
.

Exactly why my parents had me, they couldn't have given a flying fig about me when I was young, often expressed how disappointed they were in me, agreed with snotty aunt that I wasn't allowed at her wedding as "my funny face would ruin the photos" and got the hump because I refused to join the army - seriously, I'm not making his sh!t up - that particular nugget really makes me snigger now, funnily enough I point blank refused to look after them in old age - nasty bigoted racist, you name it, I want nothing to do with the surving one....

 

[maisie06]

When we were about 9 or 10, my parents told my brother and I, in the nicest possible way, that if they were to do it all over again then they would not have had children. Fine by me, and my brother; they were wonderful parents. Neither of us have had children, BTW.

I had my tubes tied when I was 21; had to ask around a few doctors before they would do it, and I got a lot of "you'll regret it" sort of messaging. Nope, never did, even for a moment; best decision I've ever made.

I never wanted kids and have never regretted it either = couldn't bring them into a world where I didn't have the means to give them a decent life, and certainly didn't want them to have to be related to my awful parents!

 

[Cortez]

I never wanted kids and have never regretted it either = couldn't bring them into a world where I didn't have the means to give them a decent life, and certainly didn't want them to have to be related to my awful parents!

I just never wanted one, and they smell funny. My parents, however, were wonderful.

 

[maisie06]

Slightly off topic re fostering.

I found out about this through a budgeting page on Instagram. Ot was someone in their early 30s who'd "fostered" an older teenager rather than take a lodger. Bear with me, it's not as callous as I've made it sound.

The woman had a spare room so was considering a lodger for extra money. She then found out that her local authority was looking for people in that sort of position to offer "supported lodgings". She looked into it because she liked the idea of being able to help a young person.

It varies council to council but basically they are are desperate/have a shortage of supported living for teenagers in the care system ages 16-18 iirc.

At that age I believe they leave the care system and are usually housed? However in an ideal world they'd live as part of a household to learn by doing/watching/gentle guidance how to run a house, budget, shop for food, etc and they are either in full time education and/or working.

The council pay the fosterer circa £1000pm but the young person is also expected to contribute to the household and buy their share of food etc to ready them for real life.

The fosterer would have their own jobs, that was fine. 16yr olds weren't to be left alone overnight but older kids could be.

This person said that meetings were set up to make sure you got on with the child, but that there was huge pressure from social work to take the first option. The person said you really had to stick to your gut feel and have at least a couple of meetings to make sure it was the right person. I believe that you have to commit for a minimum of a year.

I've probably not explained it very well but theninstagram page was Go Fund Yourself and every local authority website will have information about supported fostering. Forgot my main point, this was a single lady, early 30s, no desire for kids, full time job and wanted to help.

I know 16+ isn't a popular age for fostering/adopting but for those curious about fostering that could be a way to get started, while still working, and help a child.

This is something I would consider in a few years time.

 

[ecb89]

My parents haven’t applied any pressure but I definitely feel less pressure now my sister has had a baby.

 

[ArklePig]

My parents haven’t applied any pressure but I definitely feel less pressure now my sister has had a baby.

This for me too! I think our parents both just expected that to be on the cards and mentioned it a few times. When each set were asked to stop mentioning it and that it most likely wouldn't be happening they have been respectful and never mentioned it again. I think there's a fine line between expectation as it is still the norm to reproduce and pressure. And I think people, parents in particular, don't realise that they are putting pressure.

I was very glad when my sister took one for the team as my parents are obsessed with my nephew

 

[TheChestnutThing]

Kids and horses are a great mix! My mum always kept horses and I was brought up around them and I've always kept horses and my kids were brought up around them too.
My kids all ride and until you have your own kids you don't appreciate how much pleasure you get from watching them enjoy the same experiences as you.
I had my last daughter when I was 39.
It's also a great excuse to buy a lead rein pony ?

I mean you could have kept kids and brought horses up around them…this is something that I would do, and totally something one of my close friends is doing

 

[oldie48]

When we were about 9 or 10, my parents told my brother and I, in the nicest possible way, that if they were to do it all over again then they would not have had children. Fine by me, and my brother; they were wonderful parents. Neither of us have had children, BTW.

I have a running joke with my younger daughter that if I had "discovered" horses and dogs before having her, she wouldn't be here to which she always replies that if my contraception hadn't failed she wouldn't be here. The "joke" of course is that we got the ponies and dogs for her not for me, initially I just tagged along to keep her company.