How do I word it... is it justified... is it just a rant?

[dominobrown]

My take on that is that this would be deliberate intimidation.

I suspect she doesn’t like being told what she can and can’t do, and she is bringing up people who look intimidating to keep you in your box where she can do exactly as she pleases.

I would also suspect that these big burly men are probably told that you are unreasonably harassing her, and are persuaded to come along for ‘protection’ and because she has to go up at night to avoid you and it’s all so scary and dramatic.

She sounds like the perpetual victim type, using others to get what she wants.

Bearing that in mind, I would take control of the narrative differently, and reduce her perception of power in the relationship and her ability to leverage others to bully you.

I would stop drawing attention to the strangers being brought onto the yard because it is likely having the desired effect of knowing she is making you unhappy and/ or nervous. Because of your objections, she is also able to weave a narrative of “she is trying to make me go up there alone” which will make them more protective and validate her position.

I would swap for:

“I understand that you want to bring someone with you because you are concerned about handling your horse alone, isolated and after hours. It is something that really worries me too. Having checked with my insurance company, and for your own safety, all future visits to the yard must be conducted within the working hours in the contract. Starting tomorrow, the yard will be locked at Xpm until Xam.”

By attributing the ‘guests’ to her insecurity, and not highlighting your own (very reasonable) insecurity, you will have taken all the power out of that play. I would not bother with prohibiting guests; in the light of day and on a busier yard, the effect of the guests will be lessened regardless and she may struggle to rally support for a normal yard visit during working hours anyway. Going up alone at night plays differently, doesn’t it.

And then do lock the gate, even if it means that for a few days you have to leap up and reopen every time a tractor needs to use it. Visits will stop when you enforce it. You need to shift the balance of power in this relationship.

ETA, for the remainder of the livery period, I would adopt a ‘don’t sweat the small stuff’ approach. The hay, the using of tools, not doing things properly aren’t worth raising. Late night visits, and anything directly affecting your horses would be where I would enforce the lines, and I’d enforce them clearly.

Hit/nail/ head

This is why here is so useful.
You are right and you have their character down to a tee!

Thank you, and for putting it so eloquently too!

 

[palo1]

Hit/nail/ head

This is why here is so useful.
You are right and you have their character down to a tee!

Thank you, and for putting it so eloquently too!

I would also be at least wary/curious as to what is being stored by your livery: is it of interest to those she brings with her? It's probably just junk/ personal belongings but she wouldn't be the first person to be storing things for other people. Those things may or may not be significant but it's worth considering and being certain anything not horse related is removed asap. Perhaps due to the need for pest control/updated fire related insurance....

 

[maisie06]

It has been years and lately they have had poor mental health. I have been more than understanding and helpful but I feel more and more taken advantage of.
I have had considerable challenge to my mental health, general health etc during this time and managed to carry on. I know we are all different but I feeling like if I „kick off“ I am going to be accused of being inconsiderate of their health. I don’t wish that on anyone but I am at my wits end here.

Their mental health is NOT your problem. Do everything by the book, have a chat with the BHS legal line if your are a member and send thm packing, they sound like they are piss taking to the highest level and have zero regard for your home or health. They are treating you like a doormat so tell them to sling their hook, i'd be upping security too, especially once they have left.

 

[CarlungM]

I have a fantastic guard dog I could lend you ! She would finish your unwanted guests off in minutes.

You really do have the patience of a saint. She would be part of the muck heap by now if she tried this with me, and my profession is HR.

 

[Pinkvboots]

I would say no more random visitors.

I got rid of a sharer that thought it ok to bring strange men down to my yard at my house, not being funny but yards are not dating venues.

This really pisses me off what is wrong with people I wouldn't dream of doing it.

 

[Pidgeon]

As others have said, lock all of your stuff up now so she can't get to it. We moved from a livery yard many years ago, and basicailly gave notice, paid month in advance and were off in less than 2 hours, from giving notice. 2 horses, electric fencing, rubber matting you name it. We had it all planned out as the owners were 'not very pleasant people', first thing out was our tack as they had form for locking tack room and not lwtting liveries have their tack. We had spoken to the local police, who knew what they were like, and they gave us their mobile number and said they would be close by and to call them straight away if any trouble. Point to this is, have everything planned for them moving on the 20th July, get a time. As they have been bringing undesirable men with them, contact your local police for advice, say they have been intimidating and be honest how they have made you feel. Move their bags out of the spare stable, and either put in their stable or outside theirs. Be firm, short and sweet conversations, you can do this.

 

[Jeef Perky]

Re mental health, here's some TMI: you'd be amazed how quickly people recover from their problems and start taking care of themselves when there is a looming nurses' strike and anyone left on the ward by strike day will be transported to the state mental institution, which had a deservedly evil reputation. The staff hustled too -- it was a miracle how quickly they could now arrange appointments for social services, housing, etc., when previously it took weeks even to get seen by the hospital's case management social worker to start the referral process.

The nurses ended up not striking after all, but it did get the ward cleared out for a much needed remodeling.

Your friend will be fine. Lock up your stuff, let the local coppers know you may need their help on case she and her friends decide to start trouble, and put your own safety first.

 

[ElectricChampagne]

I hope all is going ok OP. fingers crossed you're getting through this. It's not easy

 

[LadyGascoyne]

Hi @dominobrown - how are you doing?

 

[dominobrown]

Hello, I am fine, though thanks for asking.

No update as of yet, not seen livery. They didn't come up for a few days or coming up very briefly, like 5 minutes and going again.

 

[Goldie's mum]

Hello, I am fine, though thanks for asking.

No update as of yet, not seen livery. They didn't come up for a few days or coming up very briefly, like 5 minutes and going again.

Glad you're OK.

 

[ElectricChampagne]

Glad you're ok, hopefully they will leave soon and all will be quiet.

 

[Cinnamontoast]

Hello, I am fine, though thanks for asking.

No update as of yet, not seen livery. They didn't come up for a few days or coming up very briefly, like 5 minutes and going again.

And leaving you to do her horse?

 

[scats]

Hello, I am fine, though thanks for asking.

No update as of yet, not seen livery. They didn't come up for a few days or coming up very briefly, like 5 minutes and going again.

Who does her horse on the days she doesn’t come?

 

[ycbm]

Hello, I am fine, though thanks for asking.

No update as of yet, not seen livery. They didn't come up for a few days or coming up very briefly, like 5 minutes and going again.

I'm glad you're OK but tomorrow is a week, I think. I hope you will text her and ask her how the search is going for a new place and tell her that you will be happy to let her off the rest of the notice payment if she wants to leave early.
.

 

[Ambers Echo]

Yes I suspect she will ignore it and just not go, nor make any plans whatsoever to go. So you need to pre-empt that. The stable that is not even theirs is a good place to start. Reclaim that now - tell her that she needs to clear it out asap - as you want it back for your own use. And add something like, "there is a lot of stuff to sort which all needs to be off the yard by XXX (notice period end) so it's as well to make a start anyway."

Just making it clear you are not backing down and not giving her more time. Rhino-hide time!

If after 2-3 days there is no response, then just empty that stable and put her stuff in a pile under tarp or something. You need to be very visibly reclaiming your yard for your own use. Starting with what she has no right to be using anyway.

 

[FFAQ]

Dominobrown how are you doing? You must be getting close to the end of the notice period by now? I hope things have been OK

 

[Pinkvboots]

Yes how are doing I so hope you now have your yard to yourself.

 

[Pinkvboots]

Dominobrown how are you doing? You must be getting close to the end of the notice period by now? I hope things have been OK

Good resurrection of a thread

 

[dominobrown]

So they have found another yard but not moved yet. They have ignored the last invoice so in the red now, but haven't been down to do their horse as they have had a nice few days holiday in the Lakes... which I only found out through a mutual acquaintances snapchat. It's hard to have a word when messages are ignored and there is no one coming to the yard....

 

[cauda equina]

When is their notice up?

 

[Ambers Echo]

God they are utter p1ss-takers. Issue an abandonment notice. If they have not paid and not come to do the horse they have abandoned him/her.

They may refuse to pay but that will probably make them at least act!

 

[dominobrown]

When is their notice up?

Few days left. I have moved most of their stuff to a mountain outside their stable (bin bags and all) as they told me there were going to start taking bits and bobs away. Nothing has moved yet though. Afraid that new yard has got cold feet.....

 

[AmyMay]

God they are utter p1ss-takers. Issue an abandonment notice. If they have not paid and not come to do the horse they have abandoned him/her.

They may refuse to pay but that will probably make them at least act!

And lock the gates so they absolutely can’t get in!

 

[dominobrown]

God they are utter p1ss-takers. Issue an abandonment notice. If they have not paid and not come to do the horse they have abandoned him/her.

They may refuse to pay but that will probably make them at least act!

Don't mind people going on holiday for a few days but since the horse is not meant to be on full livery a heads up would be nice!! Imagine if I assumed they were doing their own horse? No one would of cared for it in days.

Apparently other livery yards are bitchy and expensive in the area.... (area of the northern hemisphere me thinks?!!)

 

[Honey08]

Oh gosh I feel nervous for you! I hope it all goes smoother than you think.

 

[Ambers Echo]

Few days left. I have moved most of their stuff to a mountain outside their stable (bin bags and all) as they told me there were going to start taking bits and bobs away. Nothing has moved yet though. Afraid that new yard has got cold feet.....

Day after notice expires they are told all items left behind are going to the tip!

I’m not confrontational at all by nature but I’d have utterly had it with these people and I’d reclaim my home and yard from them without hesitation.

 

[94lunagem]

We’re all backing you @dominobrown and really hoping these people s*d off and you never have to think about them again!

 

[Flowerofthefen]

I hope the horse gets looked after in the future. I always feel for the animals caught up in situations like this. Hopefully not long before you have your yard back DB.

 

[SaddlePsych'D]

Don't mind people going on holiday for a few days but since the horse is not meant to be on full livery a heads up would be nice!! Imagine if I assumed they were doing their own horse? No one would of cared for it in days.

Apparently other livery yards are bitchy and expensive in the area.... (area of the northern hemisphere me thinks?!!)

This is just code for 'other yards also have rules I am unable/unwilling to abide by and they are unlikely to tolerate my crap either'.

Also sounds like 'expensive' is code for just paying anything for her horse. Grim.

If there is not much left on the notice and no tangible signs of movement, I would be making clear (even if you have already) that the abandonment procedure will be followed.