Incoming CC!

[nagblagger]

I am sure they will respect your views as you will have articulated the situation in an honest way. They should respond and hopefully use it as a learning process, although very traumatic for you and KK, if some good, learning and prevention of further distress can come out of this, it will not be in vain.
Must admit I did smile when i read that CC is being as fussy as KK, she is getting you so well trained but as i have said in an earlier post, you must do better.!

 

[Ratface]

I am sure they will respect your views as you will have articulated the situation in an honest way. They should respond and hopefully use it as a learning process, although very traumatic for you and KK, if some good, learning and prevention of further distress can come out of this, it will not be in vain.
Must admit I did smile when i read that CC is being as fussy as KK, she is getting you so well trained but as i have said in an earlier post, you must do better.!

Madam Carrie Cat thanks her devoted followers for their support.
She has just stuffed her ample chops with the previously-despised Sheba Chicken Pate, cleaned out her dish of dry food (same make Salmon flavour this time - one enjoys a little variety, doesn't one?) had a short siesta and is limbering up for a loud complaint about the lack of treats - only had THREE! today! She's with Prince Harry on this one "Waaaw!"

 

[Rumtytum]

CC has found the home for which she was born. Destiny

 

[nagblagger]

I think KK had a 'paw' in choosing CC, he would not want his well trained slave to think she may actually be in charge, she needs reminding regularly that she is there to serve.

 

[Rosemary28]

Ah RF, I’ve been away for a while and I’m so pleased to see you’ve got a new cat in your life. She’s beautiful!

 

[Ratface]

Thank you, Rosemary28. Fatty Chatty Catty waves a languid paw in your direction and sends you a slit-eye smile.
She's is pleased to add you to her list of admirers.
She's been compiling a list of her favourite stars: Freddie Mercury's at the top of her list, (the waistcoat did it, for her, in his last public shot) followed by Montserrat Caballe and Hattie Jaques. She quite likes David Attenborough, too. She reckons she could wind him round her plump paws in no time at all . . .

 

[Ratface]

The Fat Cat is currently skating on extremely thin ice.
Provided second breakfast, four hours after first, as per requirements. Eaten at speed. Much smarming and comments about still being "Staaarved!!" No. NO!
A short groom with the Furminator. Short because FC attacked me with teeth and claws, drawing blood from the hand that feeds the thankless creature. FC was reprimanded by a (very light) smack on the ample back end. Cat flew into the hanging locker, pulled down all the clothes, dived in amongst the shoes, wellies, boots and sat there, making silent, menacing snarls. I ignored her, made a cup of tea and went back to my bunk. FC then came and sat next me, making cat smile slit eye faces. One stroke. Smarm rubbing behaviour. One Dreamie. A jolly game of "Kill The Catnip Mouse" ballet ensues. Cat wins. A token short brush with the small pin rake. No problem. Another Dreamie. Peace and harmony restored. Cat now asleep in the sun.
Cat always wins.

 

[Highmileagecob]

She sounds to be training you pretty well Ratty! Has she ventured outside yet?

 

[Rumtytum]

Thank you, Rosemary28. Fatty Chatty Catty waves a languid paw in your direction and sends you a slit-eye smile.
She's is pleased to add you to her list of admirers.
She's been compiling a list of her favourite stars: Freddie Mercury's at the top of her list, (the waistcoat did it, for her, in his last public shot) followed by Montserrat Caballe and Hattie Jaques. She quite likes David Attenborough, too. She reckons she could wind him round her plump paws in no time at all . . .

Fatty chatty catty

 

[ycbm]

Cat always wins.

It's a given, she's a cat.

 

[Ratface]

She sounds to be training you pretty well Ratty! Has she ventured outside yet?

Madam Carrie Cat wishes her staff to tell you that she doesn't DO "Outside", Dhaaahling. Ugh. The NOISE! The PEOPLE!! The SEAGULLS!!! - but we don't mention them. Too common, and The Shade of King Kevin Kat has mentioned that they're like a frightful football crowd when their side isn't winning. I don't know what football is, but I remember The Human Kittens at my previous Hotel who used to screech and push each other round in the manicured acres Outside and their two guards used to discuss how they could stop their yowling. I was not allowed to scratch them, which was annoying, but I don't have to worry about it now. I have a well-trained servant who can forsee my every need. She has good hearing, too, so I only have to hop into my personal beach box and give it a contemplative stir, and she's there, ready to scoop and re-set as required. Apparently, she's quite good at this, as she's been practicing for years with some big cows. Anyway, she knows that her world revolves around me, and I'm going to keep it like that. Laters, Dhaarlings.

 

[Ratface]

Hello, Dear Readers - Her Highness Queen Carrie Cat here!
Advice required re Slave management: I prefer wet food. The Very Expensive sort. Slave only gives me One Very Small Tin per day. Plus Boring Dry Food. She says that I'm Too ***! Size-ism! She says I'll have to do many more Cat Ballet classes before I get any more yummy wet food. Mmmm. We'll see about that.
I've just managed to get her to open the aft cabin clothes locker, by pretending that there's A Rat in it and that I must protect her against it. Of course, there wasn't, but my manic scratching annoyed her enough to get her out of her bunk and open the door. I sat and watched the space. Climbed up every shelf and pulled all her jerseys down on top of myself. Slave returned to reading her book. I've just stalked out and jumped into my litter tray and thrown out as much as I can. Then crashed my feed bowls about in the galley and stirred my fresh water over the edge and onto the galley floor. She's still ignoring me. Outrageous. I must get the Cats Protection Society number and threaten her with being outed as A Cruel Owner . . .
Any advice on what further methods that I can use to get what I want?
I've tried contacting Meghan Markle to find out how she's managed to train her Slave, but she's not taking my call. Sooo annoying, daahlings.

 

[splashgirl45]

Love CC s updates.. Ratface, I think you must do better

 

[Highmileagecob]

Hooligan cat survives on three or four packets a day of Asda's Tiger food. Seems to be inhaled without question. He's really flexed his muscles this week by emptying my mini pond. He pounced on the feed pipe to the mini fountain and left it dangling, which poured around five gallons of water across the flagstones.

 

[Ratface]

HRH Queen Carrie Cat wishes Slave to inform the commoners that it would be a Complete Waste Of Money to buy ?Tiger food. She is NOT a tiger. She is the picture of a Beautiful Calico Cat, if you don't mind!
Tigers wander about, looking for food. They have to (horror!) CATCH their food! Slave catches mine, skins it (nasty clattering noises) or takes Really Expensive Biscuits out of a dreary grey tin which the previous slaves left with Slave, along with other useless items like grubby collars with (Ugh!) BELLS on. Those were disposed of. So common, don't you know?
The Spirit of King Kevin Kat has whispered that when he managed Slave, he insisted that she buy him fresh cooked chicken, tinned pink salmon and, sometimes, roast turkey. Apparently, she will do anything to keep her cat happy. Do a bit of smarming, look elegant or sweet, depending on her mood, and she'll be dancing to your every tune! Oh - and be smarmy to any of her neighbours. They will bring Dreamies. Result!
He will advise her further, as required. Two taps on the metal bowl. He will materialise. Meanwhile, he is chatting to a beautiful Burmese lady cat in Cat Heaven. She likes a bit of rough . . .

 

[Kunoichi73]

Oh Ratface, KKK and CC have got you sussed, haven't they!

 

[Ratface]

They have - but they were/are worth it!
Madam Carrie Cat could audition for L'Oréal if she ever needs more pocket money . . .

 

[Ratface]

Hello Fans! Madam Carrie Cat here. Cat Mother has been watching Too Much Freddy Mercury. I can see why she's a fan - he loved cats before people , had a lovely cat covered waistcoat in his last picture for his fans, but best of all, sang that fabulous operatic duette with Montserrat Caballe. He was outrageous and didn't give a tin of Purina Perle Chicken what people thought of him.
Now, if I have to come back in human form, I want to come back as her. I understand that she has sadly passed over to Human Heaven, so I don't mind doing a swap. My Slave is now well-trained and will do everything required, as long as someone says "Please would you mind . . ." and "Thank you very much . . ."
She's so well-trained that, although she wants to use her litter bucket (too much tea, daahlings), I've wedged myself next to her and pretended to be fast asleep, forepaw over whiskers, steady deep breathing. She's fallen for it!
I reckon it's a good trade. What do you think?

 

[Mrs. Jingle]

I think there's a best seller there somewhere Madam CC. Can you please just tell the slave to get her quill and parchment out and get on with it so we can all buy a copy. I am sure there must be at the very least a diamond studded collar in the deal for you?

 

[Ratface]

Mrs Jingle - thank you for your kind attention. My previous people put ant-flea collars on me. Horrid, cheap nasty things. With BELLS on! Sooo common, Daahling. Cat Mother is neurotic. She won't allow any collars on me. I'm sending her up to Pets@Home tomorrow morning to get flea and wormer treatments for me. The most expensive ones, of course. Only the best for me.
I could write a "How To Train Your Human" textbook. I've got this one done in two and a half months. She's a quick study.
However - I believe that she's written loads of Reports for Big Cheese Human Judges and Smaller Cheese Managers and newspapers and magazines, so now she only does it for fun and when I insist that my fan base deserves an update.
I will give her a sharp nudge if she's slacking in this duty.
Laters, Sweetie. xxx

 

[SashaBabe]

You have a real talent for writing. I love reading your posts and hope you will continue to keep us entertained for a long time to come.

 

[Ratface]

Daahlings, Madam Carrie Cat here. I refuse to be known by that Size-ist Nomenclature. Too impolite. I might be identified by Rude Humans as a (Ugh!!) Moggy - Cat Mother had to put that insulting term as a breed on my Very Expensive Insurance Application - but she's forgiven. It's the one she had for her first Really Expensive Cat, a Burmese gentleman. Well, he was originally, but we don't talk about That Sort Of Thing. Too common. I had the same thing done to me. I think Horrible Humans should have it done when they're kittens. That'd keep the population down, wouldn't it? Anyway, mustn't have "difficult" conversations. Daahlings. Too rude in polite company, which I'm sure you all are - or we wouldn't be chatting, would we?
Cat Mother is a bit miserable at the moment. The Slave that looks after that expensive, noisy, clattering thing has been horrid to Cat Mother and completely ignored her and The Expensive Biscuits that she always takes, because Slave 2 had more staff there (ones that cut long grass and tie it up with string and put it in big huts?) completely ignored Cat Mother (and The Expensive Biscuits!) and carried on chatting to these peasants. Cat Mother says that an impolite word, but I know she was upset. I told her to scratch them, but she said it would Only Make It A Lot Worse.
Humans just don't have a clue, do they?
'Bye for now, Dear Fans!
Madam Carrie Cat. xxx

 

[Mrs. Jingle]

Good evening Madam C C, I can't tell you how incensed I am to hear how exceedingly rude the slave to the big noisy clattery thing was to Cat Mother. Especially when Expensive Biscuits were ignored in such an unpleasant and dismissive manner.

Personally I am thrilled that Cat Mother vented her justifiable displeasure using A VERY IMPOLITE WORD. Please pass my congratulations on to Cat Mother for at least muttering a curse or two, I do agree though she would have done better to scratch the lot of them!

Thank you dearest Madam C C for taking time out of your day to keep us updated on our much loved Cat Mother's wellbeing. xx

 

[Spotherisk]

Daahling madam, please do your absolute best to make your Mother feel a little more chipper - she is much loved by her screen friends. xx