More than 1 'Horse of a Lifetime'?

[Ample Prosecco]

I do love Toby, he is just such a sweet horse. And he has as much ability as I need for now so we could go out and event this season. Or I could try and improve dressage as he's really coming along and I am enjoying the journey. But he is just not a patch on Amber and I can't get excited about riding him, the way I was about riding her. Its a year now since she threw me off and I began the investigative journey that led to her retirement.

So my question is, do I accept that my best riding days are behind me and just have fun on my Plan B horse? I enjoy riding, I have plans and goals, I love his quirkiness and character. So if this is the best it gets, that's ok. I can accept that kind of bond won't happen again and be grateful for and enjoy what I do have.

Or is he just not the right horse long-term? He was never meant to be my next forever horse but a sale project while Amber was recovering. I would not have bought Toby as my post-Amber horse if I knew she had to retire. I bought him mainly for his saleability as he is so straightforward, safe and kind. I know what I like (bold, scopey, confident) and he's not it (needy, cautious, conservative). Is there is another horse out there who I could connect to the way I did Amber? Or might he yet find his way into the Amber hole in my life? For those with more than 1 HoaLT, how long did it take before you realised that the newbie was as special to you as your old horse?

Finally do foals from special horses have a special place in hyour heart even if they are tempermentally very different. Or, in the end, is the offspring of a special mare, just another horse really. I could breed from Amber and I am not trying to replace her but I do wonder if any Amber foal will be special purely because they are hers?

Just musing and would be really interested to hear how others have experienced riding life after losing or retiring their horse of a lifetime.

 

[milliepops]

I think you can put too much pressure on yourself and the horse by worrying too much about this kind of thing. if you're generally enjoying him and he's looking like he's going to do the job you want i would just follow your nose and see what happens.

I have said many times how utterly distraught I was when Millie retired because I thought she was my horse of a lifetime. How naive I already had Kira and just carried on plodding away trying to sort her out. Although very different, and not capable of half the stuff i loved so much with Millie (can't see Kira getting round a BE80 let alone a Novice happily) she has faaaaar exceeded my expectations in other ways, I never thought I'd have a horse I'd be working on GP stuff with. In addition, she is a totally adorable personality.

I'd definitely say she's my second horse of a lifetime. I'm confident there will be others. the main thing is not to compare them I think, because that will just lead to disappointment. you have to look at what each individual brings to the table.

I already know Salty's foal is going to be fun and she has burrowed well into my heart but she's not much like Salty tbh!

 

[milliepops]

oh, the how long question? well, it was 12 months of struggling with K before she stopped trying to kill us both. and then probably another 12 months where she gradually agreed to being trained to do stuff. then it started getting really exciting. I was always very fond of her *generally* because she has always been cute and goofy but it took a bit longer to get a really good working relationship which made me stop thinking of her as a doer-upper to be moved on, and more like a horse I wanted to keep forever and ever.

 

[Ample Prosecco]

It;s not so much that I am worrying, it's that I am a bit 'meh' about riding in the rain, snow etc. Which is very normal but is also very unlike me! I'm just not that ar$sed about getting cold and wet in pursuit of goals that don't really light me up. I've never been a fair weather rider but it all seems like a lot of effort at the moment. I could take the pressure off myself and him and do less, but I also know myself and the less I do, the less I want to do. I am happiest in pursuit of goals that inspire and excite me.

 

[[59668]]

Yes, I have had 2. Lost number 1 to cancer at the age of 8, but my god he was special. I had a few horses after that, and they were nice, but not a Special Horse. But horse number 2 is my current mare. I thought I had a special thing with horse 1, who was a gelding, but what I have with my mare is something different, and very special. Maybe it's because she's a mare. Maybe the "bond" with a mare will always feel different to that with a gelding?

 

[DabDab]

I had a very special horse who I had to sell for financial reasons when I was 19. I didn't regret it because she was the deposit for my first house, but my god did I miss her. No other horse ever really came close for years and I assumed none ever would but that there was lots to love about lots of different horses and I enjoyed that.

And then I bought a funny looking little 2yo as a companion for my gelding, who tbh I didn't like a great deal for quite a while. But she grew into a swan, with all that quirky edginess, sensitivity and bravery that I had loved in my mare from my youth. So quite by accident I happened upon another horse who finally filled that hole that the first mare had left, a hole that I had ignored for a decade.

Toby probably won't ever fill the amber shaped hole in your life, but he sounds like a lovely horse to bring on in the meantime

In your position I would 100% breed from Amber. Not just because she is/was so special to you, but because she was a class horse in her own right.

 

[paddi22]

I have had foals from mares I like and I haven't had a different bond to them than a horse I would buy to be honest. I would love a clone of my favourite mare, but I know her foals come out as their own characters. It's so tough when you lose (or lose the use of) of fabulous horse. but I don't believe in the horse of a lifetime concept, I think if you open your heart to any horse without expectation then they can amaze you and teach you things. I've gotten horses in that I would never in a million years have bought or picked out at a dealers and on paper nothing that I would like and that shouldn't suit me, but they've become the ones that I absolutely adore and have brought me on so much because I expected nothing of them and they just brought something new out in me and expanded me. I think putting expectations on any horse makes it very difficult to form an authentic relationship.

 

[milliepops]

you're probably in a different position to me, because I can't choose my horses really, i just get what comes my way for minimal £ and just try and get on board with whatever that is! that has meant adjusting my goals - before Millie retired I had intended to go back to eventing but the right horse hasn't crossed my stable threshold since then.

i think you've been feeling this way for a while so perhaps you should look elsewhere because if you're constantly doubting whether you like him or not, you probably won't ever jump in with both feet?

 

[Michen]

Hmmm. Tricky. I sort of think if he was going to be “that” horse for you then you’d be feeling it by now.

It took me a year maybe more to properly feel like Boggle was or rather was going to be a second horse of a lifetime after I lost Basil but I knew all along he was “special”, it was more whether I would ever be able to ride him with his sharpness.

I also don’t think I’d keep Bear as my “main” horse is Boggle wasn’t around. I love him dearly but I do not feel he is a horse of a lifetime for me. He would be for someone!

 

[milliepops]

Hmmm. Tricky. I sort of think if he was going to be “that” horse for you then you’d be feeling it by now.

It took me a year maybe more to properly feel like Boggle was a second horse of a lifetime after I lost Basil but I knew all along he was “special”, it was more whether I would ever be able to ride him with his sharpness.

I'd agree with this, if it didn't appear that AE has held him at arms length for at least some of the time, as he was a sell-on project rather than a keeper from the start. I've done the same in the past.

 

[Michen]

I'd agree with this, if it didn't appear that AE has held him at arms length for at least some of the time, as he was a sell-on project rather than a keeper from the start. I've done the same in the past.

I know what you mean but I think even when you are doing that you have a sort of gut instinct. Not always perhaps, but I think if a horse isn’t inspiring you after a year or showing you glimpses of “what could be”...

Slightly different with Kira and Bog perhaps as neither were exactly sellable and we got sort of lumped with them either way!

 

[Roxylola]

I think you become wary when you've had your heart broken by a catastrophic unpreventable incident with a special horse. When you've found first hand just how fragile they are and how easy it is for all to be snatched away I think its natural to hold back and not get so involved emotionally again.

It;s not so much that I am worrying, it's that I am a bit 'meh' about riding in the rain, snow etc. Which is very normal but is also very unlike me! I'm just not that ar$sed about getting cold and wet in pursuit of goals that don't really light me up. I've never been a fair weather rider but it all seems like a lot of effort at the moment. I could take the pressure off myself and him and do less, but I also know myself and the less I do, the less I want to do. I am happiest in pursuit of goals that inspire and excite me.

The weather is horrendous at the moment. I do try to make sure supercob gets out and does a bit regardless of weather but it is rather nice to have a turnout paddock and/or a walker to use, and a horse that can have a few down days without trying to kill me when I do next sit on.

 

[DabDab]

you're probably in a different position to me, because I can't choose my horses really, i just get what comes my way for minimal £ and just try and get on board with whatever that is! that has meant adjusting my goals - before Millie retired I had intended to go back to eventing but the right horse hasn't crossed my stable threshold since then.

It's interesting to think about choosing a horse that makes your heart sing and has that extra something special to you, rather than choosing a generally nice horse to do a job. I often contemplate whether if I had plenty of money to go out and buy whatever horse I wanted, would I have bought Arty as she is now at 6yo without knowing what I know about her....the answer is probably not. I'd love to think that I would be astute enough to, but I don't think I would.

 

[oldie48]

I've never had a horse of a life time just a number of nice horses that have all been different and I've liked/loved in different ways, some more than others. The biggest mistake I've made is hanging on to a horse for 5 years that didn't want to do the job I wanted him to do and when I sold him as a fab hack/ low level all rounder we both heaved a sigh of relief and he became his new owner's "horse of a life time!" If Toby doesn't excite you then sell him and buy something that does. He'll find a good home where perhaps he'll be someone's horse of a life time and perhaps you will find another horse that fires you up like Amber did. Life is too short to settle for less than you would like if you have the means to change it and you are still young and fit so just stop that "best days of riding behind me" crap or I will come round and beat some sense into you!

 

[oldie48]

Oh and start saving, what you want won't come cheap!

 

[Sail_away]

I know it’s not exactly what you asked so apologies - but for what it’s worth, there were three horses I rode when viewing horses recently that I thought ‘wow’ from the moment I got on, that I was smiling like an idiot the whole time and that I ‘connected’ to. I think if I took any one of those home they would’ve been my horse of a lifetime. And I’m picky, and my type of horse seems quite similar to yours. Which is my long winded way of saying, yes, there will be other horses out there you connect to strongly, and there’s a decent chance of finding them.
To me what stand out is the not being excited to ride Toby - I don’t think you have to have a ‘heart horse’ to be motivated to ride. Would it be worth having a look at a few horses that are more your type and seeing how they make you feel?

 

[Britestar]

Mare 1. Bought her as a 7yr old. Loved her too bits. Went up to novice BE (way back in the day). Jumped heights I never thought I could. Couldn't imagine life without her. She died at 32 of colic.
Mare 2. First foal I bred for myself. Broke her in and she was the first horse to take me to an RC champs. She was brilliant, and funny and again couldn't imagine being without her. Lost her to Lymphoma aged 22yrs.
Gelding 1. Foal of mare one. I worship the ground he walks on. He's just the best guy a girl could want! He hates being smooshed, but tolerates it. He's done everything, been to 14 chamionships, evented, dressage, music and now a TREC star. Now 24, I'm finding it hard to accept he's getting old.

Also have 2 sisters to Mare 2, and son of one of them. Plus a little rescue boy.

Every single one a HOAL. I don't compare them to each other, so each can be special in their own way.
Admit son of other Mare has tried my patience, and at times I've hated him, but given time we've formed a bond, and he to will be a special boy.

Don't compare Toby to Amber . Let him shine on his own way.

 

[MuddyMonster]

If it was me, I wouldn't be looking to make any long term decisions now.

You've gone through the emotional trauma of having to retire a very special horse which takes time to grieve for, winter is a terrible time of year anyway and to top it off, we're in the middle of a global pandemic - which, I think, even if people feel fine and not terribly affected by it does still take it's toll emotionally.

I'd keep on keeping on for now and reassess how I felt by the time life was more normal.

FWIW, I do think you can have more than one horse of a lifetime. I also think it's absolutely fine if you 'just' have a lovely horse whose needs are met and is happy doing the work you want to do (be that BE or just hacking around the block on) and you have a contented, nice time with without it being an emotional rollercoaster of massive ups and downs.

 

[Ample Prosecco]

Part of the doubt is that I am not sure I want to event him higher than 80cm. He is clumsy and not very good at sorting out his feet so the idea of trusting him to get us both out of trouble at bigger fixed fences is a bit scary. Amber was terrifying in some ways as she was like a bloody train but I always knew that she would get us both safely to the other side of anything I put her at. So the vague plan is that I use him to really help me improve the dressage phase, take him out unaff and see how he gets on then either keep him as he surprises me and proves himself or sell as an allrounder. It makes sense but it means I have not jumped in with both feet as I am still hedging my bets.

I have tried to fully commit to him but it's an emotional roller coaster. And it is not something that can be forced, I don't think. One day he gives me a great feel with flatwork and I beam all evening. Then he is a goofy goon in the stable and I laugh and he makes me happy. And then he plows through a 60cm jump because he got distracted 3 strides out by somthing and then forgot to lift his feet up and I think arggghh! and the doubts reappear. I find myself seeing ads for alrounders and thinking 'hey Toby sounds perfect for her' then reminding myself he's not for sale!

But then I think he is such a fab horse in so many ways and to sell a 'not Amber' horse to buy another 'not Amber' horse seems silly. Maybe I need to give it more time. Yes it's a year since the injury but only a few weeks since the retirement and I still have not remotely come to terms with that. And I think it will be much worse when the eventing season re-starts. I loved supporting Katie & Dolly last season but being at events without Amber made me miss it so much, and I was really excited at the thought of being back out with her this year. I never believed it was over. I am dreading being out at events now, knowing we won't ever do that again together. I'm in tears now just thinking about it. So maybe Toby is not the issue. It's just too soon.

 

[Ample Prosecco]

Sorry I wrote that last post before reading MM's post. I think I have come to that concluson. I can't decide now. It's too raw. It's too difficult. So I need to just enjoy him for now, and what will be will be.

 

[Roxylola]

With regard to goal setting and a little bit of self preservation on an emotional level, at the moment I have a long long term overview of where we might get to one day. I had short term plans - arena eventing to work on speed and build confidence over 90s to go out BE this year; get some solid 65+ BD novices and look to get an elementary in before my winter membership expires in March. Combined with training so we'd be out doing at least one day a week if not 2. My long long term is unchanged, my medium term - this year is circumspect, we'll certainly get out to something if there is anything running, but possibly won't be the few strong 80s and stepping up to 90s that I was aiming for. My short term is shot to pieces; we get going a bit and then it's all cancelled again with lockdown.
It's hard enough knowing an injury or accident for either of you could impact your goals and set you back never mind everything else at the moment.
I'm very progress oriented and like to be out and doing but its so disappointing to have things booked and cancelled.

 

[ycbm]

Part of the doubt is that I am not sure I want to event him higher than 80cm. He is clumsy and not very good at sorting out his feet so the idea of trusting him to get us both out of trouble at bigger fixed fences is a bit scary. .

Remind me how old he is AE? The horse in my avatar was known affectionately as Demolition Dan at four. At six I trusted him with my life, he was so clever jumping anything.
.

 

[Roxylola]

Remind me how old he is AE? The horse in my avatar was known affectionately as Demolition Dan at four. At six I trusted him with my life, he was so clever jumping anything.
.

Supercob occasionally just ploughs through show jumps and tramples happily all over poles. He's bold and scopey over solids though - granted we haven't gone out at any exciting heights yet but I hugely value the fact he will plough on rather than stop or duck out. Often as the fences go up he gets his mind more on the job as well.

 

[Ample Prosecco]

Remind me how old he is AE? The horse in my avatar was known affectionately as Demolition Dan at four. At six I trusted him with my life, he was so clever jumping anything.
.

I remember you saying that on another post and I took great heart from it! I keep saying to myself 'remember Demolition Dan'. But when do you know? Dolly at 4 was amazing with her feet. Such a clever little pony. Toby is rising 6.

 

[Ample Prosecco]

Supercob occasionally just ploughs through show jumps and tramples happily all over poles. He's bold and scopey over solids though - granted we haven't gone out at any exciting heights yet but I hugely value the fact he will plough on rather than stop or duck out. Often as the fences go up he gets his mind more on the job as well.

My RI said that. "At least he's not stopping!'

 

[Pearlsacarolsinger]

I really don't like this 'horse of a lifetime' title! How will you know until you get to the end of your life?

I have had plenty of lovely horses and every one of them has been special in their own way. Only once did I think that a 'replacement' had filled the hole left by a former incumbent and they were both Clydesdale mares and actually the longer we kept the 2nd one the more we appreciated the differences in their personalities.

I do think that as we get older we get less appreciative of riding in atrocious weather, such as we have at the moment. I think that says more about the weather than about the horse, tbh, and as above, when we have been through loss/disappointment, that takes its toll as well and perhaps we don't throw ourselves into it in quite the same way.

I can't see the sense of passing on a sound horse that does the job you want him to do, just because he isn't the horse you had before.

 

[ihatework]

I’d stick with him for now. Use him to learn from. Over time once the reality that Amber is retired your feelings may change, or they may not, but you won’t have ‘lost’ anything by trying.

 

[ycbm]

I can't see the sense of passing on a sound horse that does the job you want him to do, just because he isn't the horse you had before.

He doesn't do the job.

AE, if he isn't confident at BE80 by late spring, I would sell him and try and find something that at least did that, even if it doesn't make your heart sing for another year.
.

 

[QuantockHills]

I lost my 'horse of a lifetime' to cushings when he was 14. I had him from a 3 year old and trusted him with my life. We did everything from quadrille, trec, low level eventing and riding holidays. my 'new' horse I also bought at 3 and he's now 7..... he's lovely to handle and do everything with. I'm not very ambitious (or confident sometimes!) and consider myself a normal, low level riding club / happy hacker...but my friend rides him as well and being much braver than me, jumps bigger, goes faster and fingers crossed this year, will start BE eventing with him. he happily comes back down to my level when i ride as he is a 'genuine' sort (Irish Draught). But....i still dont feel that i have that 'special' connection with him like i had with my previous horse.... but is that because i've only had him a few years.. and do i remember having that special connection with my other horse after only a few years...... I wont sell him, so it'll be interesting to see how my feelings develop / change, the longer i have him.

 

[Annagain]

Eb was my horse of a lifetime - he and I were one. He saw me through my GCSEs, A-levels, working my backside off for my first car so I could get to him more easily, going to Uni (leaving him with his part-owner was my first true heartbreak) my first break-up, buying my first house and being so skint I was eating spaghetti on toast so he could have what he needed. I never just fell off Eb, we only ever had freak accidents where we both went down or something weird cause me to fall off (like a friend not being able to stop her horse, ploughing into us and knocking me off). Most of our mishaps were caused by his over-excitable, gung-ho attitude but that's what made him so utterly wonderful. He was what I needed then, so much fun and made me feel invincible because he felt invincible and I just had total faith in him, especially when jumping. I just knew we'd get to the other side of the fence safely. Having said that, I don't think the middle-aged, less brave me would cope with his antics now.

On paper, Monty should be my horse of a lifetime. Performance-wise, I did far more with Monty than I ever did with Ebony - he's kind, stoic, talented and so genuine which makes him such an easy horse to do very well on. We did do pretty well and I enjoyed him immensely. I did BE (only 80, but we did it - and a few unaffiliated 90s) with with him, which I never thought I'd do. He'd have done more if I'd had the guts. He's a delight in his own quiet, laid-back way and worth his not inconsiderable weight in gold. Maybe part of the reason he's not my horse of a lifetime is he's never actually been mine so I've kept some barriers up but ultimately, it comes back to "He's not Ebony".

Toby isn't Amber but that doesn't mean you can't have lots of fun with him. The relationship is just a different one.