More than 1 'Horse of a Lifetime'?

[Upthecreek]

I think some people get hooked on the feelings of adrenaline you get from riding a more ‘difficult’ horse. Everything you achieve with them gives greater feelings of satisfaction, because it’s harder won. Part of that excited/butterflies in the tummy feeling they give you before you ride them is because they can be unpredictable and you don’t know exactly how they might react in any given situation, even when you know them well. If this is the kind of horse that floats your boat a steady eddie just won’t do it for you.

You have to decide what it’s most important to you that the horse absolutely must be good at. I’m not one for bonds and all that stuff, but I need to have trust in a horse to keep itself and me safe XC. That is my number one priority, so they have to be bold and willing jumpers from the go. I don’t mind if they are green in technique, but they need to have the right attitude for taking on solid fences. If you are used to a firecracker like Amber XC, it doesn’t sound like Toby will be able to give you that feeling.

 

[SibeliusMB]

Just musing and would be really interested to hear how others have experienced riding life after losing or retiring their horse of a lifetime.

AE I completely empathize with you and I hope you come to an answer that gives you some peace and comfort. It's not a fun place to be where you were at and ultimately the decision is yours and no one else's. That said, if you want to know the incredibly emotional details of my story, it's all here for you to read:
Chronicle of the Horse Blogs

I had my horse of a lifetime when I was a kid, she was a big grey mare and she was perfect. When I decided later as an adult to get back into horse ownership, I didn't have any expectations for this next horse, who ended up being a Thoroughbred gelding off the track. If he was wonderful and we were good together, he would stay, if not, he would be a project to sell. This kept all ideas of that perfect horsey relationship and the subsequent pressure to create it away and it allowed the genuine relationship to form. Soon became my second horse of a lifetime. His story is in those blogs I posted above. He was everything to me and I still can't talk about him without crying. I lost him in 2017 to colic, after only 4.5 years together. I was destroyed.

Enter Sig, the one who might be coming to live with you all in the UK. I wasn't looking for a horse, but he found me anyway. As a 3 year old I didn't know what he would grow up to be, but I saw the raw potential, loved his personality, and after losing Soon, I was interested in slowing down and taking it easy with a baby for awhile. I went for it. And I did find myself pretty reserved for quite awhile, as if I wasn't ready to sign my heart over to another horse for fear of losing them and hurting so badly again. Maybe part of me felt guilty for having another horse after Soon, I don't know. But up until a year ago I felt like there wasn't that same connection with Sig as I had with Soon. It'll never be exactly the same. And that's okay. I even had several moments where I wondered if he'd be a keeper, or if I needed to sell him and look for something else. And that's fine too.

But in our case, Sig has really come into his own the last several months/year, and I've finally really allowed myself to connect with him. We do a lot of groundwork, which I love for establishing and building a relationship and dialogue with the horse. We still revisit that when I feel like I need to "check in," if that makes sense. Lately between Sig really maturing into a lovely horse both physically and mentally, showing me what he's capable of, and being just an absolute sweetheart of a horse, I've really allowed myself to fall for him. Is he my third horse of a lifetime? Possibly. I'm not putting pressure on myself (or him) to say right now. That will develop as we go. But if we stay on this trajectory, he definitely could be. Which is why I'm seriously considering bringing him with because the idea of leaving him behind just guts me. That's my indicator. Life without him would really suck and my happiness would be severely affected. So in my case, it took me a while to open up to another horse and it took this guy awhile to mature into a horse I can see keeping the rest of his life (and look forward to a full career and that day when I can retire him and look out at him in his retirement and be grateful).

I agree with TPO's advice. I think a big part of this is not putting pressure on yourself, and in an indirect way, your horse, to have that same kind of relationship as what you had with Amber. Toby is his own individual. If he doesn't set your heart on fire, that's fine! And it's fine to continue with your original plan and sell him on to his next person. I also agree that maybe taking a short break from riding or focusing on lessons with different horses might help spark your imagination and inspire you to find something different or help you define what you really want. Best wishes with whatever path you choose.

 

[scats]

I’ve had several horses that I class as horses of a lifetime, but for different reasons.
My JA pony was the most talented jumping pony I’ve ever owned and I doubt I’ll ever reach that success again.

My priorities changed when I got Jack. He was a fantastic little jumping pony, but he had a limit. I got quite into showing with him, but then realised that bored me senseless and after his surgery, we spent 4 years just having a whale of a time at farm rides and hunt rides. I’d consider him a pony of a lifetime too, but in a different way to Sharne.
Then there was Diva, we never did anything competitively other than intro dressage, because of her breathing issues, but she changed my life and was probably on a par with my JA pony for that feeling I had when I was on her. She was my soul mate and definitely up there with my JA pony in competition for best pony I’ve ever owned. Infact, Diva might just top it.

Then Millie came along. It took a while to connect with her. Diva was so affectionate and we were completely on the same wavelength whereas Millie is a different kettle of fish, but in the last 12 months I can honestly say I think she’s becoming one of my ‘special’ ones.

I’ve had plenty of other horses inbetween and alongside this lot, but these 4 stick out to me. So yes, I think you can have more than one in a lifetime, but they might be for completely different reasons.

 

[TheresaW]

I’m only a happy hacker, and I love the absolute bones of Dolly. She is 28 now, and although I have Ollie, who I do love, I have no real urge to ride him. Luckily for me, he is quite happy in the field with your Max, so I don’t have to ride him.

Me personally, I am feeling that when Doll tells me she doesn’t want to be ridden anymore, than I probably won’t ride again. If I can’t ride her, I’m not sure I want to ride. I don’t have the competitive streak, though, not sure that makes a difference.

Not helpful at all I know, but just my two pence worth.

 

[ycbm]

My husband would divorce me!

Would that be a bad thing ? ?

 

[whizzer]

I had my first horse of a lifetime for nearly 20yrs, he wasn’t always an easy horse & just when he was starting to go really well in his early teens he had a number of issues,firstly major sinus problems then cushings & never worked properly again,just hacked really then the cushings forced him into full retirement in his late teens,lost him to a terrible bout of colic in his early twenties. Along the way I tried to bring on a few youngsters but these both ended in(very expensive) disaster. Lost my way a bit,never thought I’d have a horse to ride again but then a little mare found her way into my life,she’s an an absolute joy to own & ride,I knew after a couple of months she could be my 2nd horse of a lifetime & luckily the person who the originally owned her let me buy her & I’ve ever regretted it.

 

[Caol Ila]

Yeah, this will be me. But what choice is there but to figure out how to start that new relationship? Myself, OH, and parents have all agreed that not having another one is the worst option.

 

[Roxylola]

* Will he do the job? Roxylola- you've seen him jump. What did you think?

Um, I think he needs to be a lot more in front of your leg. When I saw him, at first you looked like you were riding him like he was a really hot baby horse. He on the other hand looked like he was quite chilled and along for a jolly. Then once you get on his case and gave him a kick he was a bit yeah whatever ?.
I liked him once you had a stick and he was actually forward. If I were riding him I'd likely want a stick or spurs to give him a bit of respect for the leg. As it is he's quite happy to let you carry him and then he will I think be much nicer to a fence and become more reliable at his fences.
Until you have him in front of your leg he won't be consistent to fences. I feel like you want him to want to take you and he needs you to make him take you.
But all that said, I've not sat on him and I try not to pay too much attention to other people in lessons as I'm likely to either offer to sit on or start wanting to teach them - tends not to go down brilliantly when I start teaching in the middle of someone else's clinic ?

 

[nikkimariet]

Fig is my one in a million. He’s taught me so much and put me on the amateur dressage map. Love him so much and we’d walk through fire for each other

I put a lot of eggs in my Nova shaped basket. He was extraordinarily tricky and quirky. He also taught me a lot. But early on I knew he wasn’t going to be for me. It happens. Such turns the world of horses.

I retired Fig in 2019 and ended up buying Rooni fairly soon after selling Nova, roughly the same sort of time.

I liked his spirit. His movement. He was promising. But it took me a while to let go (in a positive way) of all the hopes and dreams with Fig. I realised I was acting like I had unfinished business. Once I let Rooni in (that’s terribly human of me, but just being honest here), he wormed his way straight into my heart.

I dare say he is the second horse of a lifetime for me.

There will always be glaring differences between him and Fig, but the variance compliments the experience and I’ve stopped myself from comparing them directly.

So yes, I do think it’s possible to love them that much twice over. And when you know, you know.

 

[Pearlsacarolsinger]

Um, I think he needs to be a lot more in front of your leg. When I saw him, at first you looked like you were riding him like he was a really hot baby horse. He on the other hand looked like he was quite chilled and along for a jolly. Then once you get on his case and gave him a kick he was a bit yeah whatever ?.
I liked him once you had a stick and he was actually forward. If I were riding him I'd likely want a stick or spurs to give him a bit of respect for the leg. As it is he's quite happy to let you carry him and then he will I think be much nicer to a fence and become more reliable at his fences.
Until you have him in front of your leg he won't be consistent to fences. I feel like you want him to want to take you and he needs you to make him take you.
But all that said, I've not sat on him and I try not to pay too much attention to other people in lessons as I'm likely to either offer to sit on or start wanting to teach them - tends not to go down brilliantly when I start teaching in the middle of someone else's clinic ?

I don't want to sound rude but this reminds me very much of what you told us about Amber. It sounds as if you need more instruction on Toby, or maybe schoolmaster lessons, because otherwise you could find yourself in the same position over and over again.

 

[Michen]

Um, I think he needs to be a lot more in front of your leg. When I saw him, at first you looked like you were riding him like he was a really hot baby horse. He on the other hand looked like he was quite chilled and along for a jolly. Then once you get on his case and gave him a kick he was a bit yeah whatever ?.
I liked him once you had a stick and he was actually forward. If I were riding him I'd likely want a stick or spurs to give him a bit of respect for the leg. As it is he's quite happy to let you carry him and then he will I think be much nicer to a fence and become more reliable at his fences.
Until you have him in front of your leg he won't be consistent to fences. I feel like you want him to want to take you and he needs you to make him take you.
But all that said, I've not sat on him and I try not to pay too much attention to other people in lessons as I'm likely to either offer to sit on or start wanting to teach them - tends not to go down brilliantly when I start teaching in the middle of someone else's clinic ?

But tbf not many people want to jump horses that need you to MAKE them take you. That’s not really confidence giving or enjoyable. Maybe it’s a strength thing and he will improve as he gets more confident or maybe he’s just not that enthusiastic about jumping and I can imagine that would be very hard to get used to when you have had an Amber.

 

[Roxylola]

But tbf not many people want to jump horses that need you to MAKE them take you. That’s not really confidence giving or enjoyable. Maybe it’s a strength thing and he will improve as he gets more confident or maybe he’s just not that enthusiastic about jumping and I can imagine that would be very hard to get used to when you have had an Amber.

Yeah he looked happy enough to be there doing the job, just a bit laid back about it all and happy to let AE put in the work. Not unenthusiastic so much as just not on fire, and if he's a bit ignorant to the leg anyway it just gets magnified when you're jumping

 

[shanti]

Most of my horses have been my 'horse of a lifetime', albeit in completely different ways. My life has changed dramatically over the years and I cant think of a single horse which would have met my needs, or me theirs, through each change or stage.

 

[Mule]

Most of my horses have been my 'horse of a lifetime', albeit in completely different ways. My life has changed dramatically over the years and I cant think of a single horse which would have met my needs, or me theirs, through each change or stage.

That'an interesting point. My interests have changed quite a bit. A few years ago I competed regularly and I loved eventing. Now I hack and school dressage. I lost interest in jumping and I decided competing was too stressful.

Now, I pop a small jump a few timea at the end of a schooling session, but that's just to keep the beast happy.

 

[Accidental Eventer]

I don't really have anything to add that other haven't already said, however I will add one of my experiences. I got Henry to replace my amazing mare, I knew she had to be PTS so I went horse shopping and bought Henry. Henry was 3 and straight off the track, I bought him because he was sweet and easy and I thought he would be easy to see if he didn't do what I wanted. he was totally different from the mare, very much more what I should have than the mare was. She was a total accident (hence the name!).

For a long time he was number 2 horse, and it was fine because he was so young. But then he needed more work, and I was a little bit scared and it was not any fun, so I sensibly decided to sell him. I had lots of interest from numpties but no one I considered right for him (green riders, returning riders etc.) so we kept plodding away, and because I took the pressure off both of us, our relationship changed.

I pushed through some of the things I was scared to do, and it started being fun. I took him off the market and have never looked back. I couldn't part with him now, he is exactly the horse I wanted but it took a lot for me to get there. He is always the horse I want to ride, I never want to get off and he feels the same way about being ridden.

My experience is different because it came from a place of fear but the fear was misplaced because I wasn't scared of Henry, I was scared he would turn out like an old horse I had.

For me taking the pressure off was what helped, I focused on just the horse I had rather than anything else and enjoyed putting the time and effort in. Only you know what is best for you, but you have the same doubt I had though different reasons. It took me years to get over the mare, but equally, I am glad I found Henry, now I wouldn't be without him.

 

[Lois Lame]

I bought him mainly for his saleability as he is so straightforward, safe and kind. I know what I like (bold, scopey, confident) and he's not it (needy, cautious, conservative).

When I read this bit just now, I thought, oh, he sounds like my sort of horse -- maybe even my horse of a lifetime.

I'll keep reading in a minute, but maybe this Toby of yours is someone else's horse of a lifetime and your next horse of a lifetime hasn't found you yet.

 

[milliepops]

Yeah he looked happy enough to be there doing the job, just a bit laid back about it all and happy to let AE put in the work. Not unenthusiastic so much as just not on fire, and if he's a bit ignorant to the leg anyway it just gets magnified when you're jumping

And even a horse that tows the rider to a fence needs to be in front of the leg

 

[LEC]

I just don’t believe in this horse of a lifetime thing but none of mine have achieved my goals either so probably helps. I like them all for their own ways and I always learn a lot in the process. I just try and have fun on the way as your brain and bank balance will get broken in the process!

 

[Northern]

AE, I always smile when you describe Amber because she reminds me of my red mare, right down to the attitude towards jumping and XC. I lost her three years ago, and truthfully I've never recreated the feeling she gave me when jumping and XC (our dressage was also super questionable ). She was an incredibly hot, young, fast TB mare and as messy as it looked at times I NEVER felt unsafe on her in the 6 years I was lucky enough to ride and compete her. We knew each other so well it was like putting on a pair of old boots when I got on her. I lost her to an accident after a really horrible few years which ended her riding career anyway. I wish I could have looked after her in her retirement and perhaps bred a foal but it wasn't to be.

I guess in a way she was my horse of a life time. However my other horses also give me a similar feeling but in a different way. They are all so individual and it isn't fair to compare them even though I did a lot of that just after I lost my first mare. I loved riding my second TB mare but didn't have very long on her before she retired due to KS and other issues. My Haflinger pony is your Toby, completely different ballgame and probably won't be a jumper. But safe, saleable and sane. She's turned out to have a fabulous temperament and trainability to do advanced dressage so we are learning together which in turn will help me educate my young WB breaker and start on that journey. I've always been a TB person but who would have thought a 14.2hh pony would worm her way into my heart.

I guess I am saying that perhaps you need to lower your expectations of Toby at the moment. He is young and clumsy but if you keep at it you may turn around in a year and wonder why you ever thought less of him. Also from what you have written, a horse like him is ideal at the moment for you to concentrate on yourself while riding and forgive your mistakes. You never know what may crop up in the future, perhaps the perfect home will come along for him, perhaps you will find something more Amber-like will fall into your lap. Perhaps Amber will have that foal and Toby will be your main horse until it grows up. Life can go in so many directions!

ETA: A photo of her, I miss her so much but I can now reminisce with a smile rather than tears!

 

[JoannaC]

I think there are horses that make you buzz and horses you just know inside out and back to front. When my first mare died I was devastated and so bought her half sister as an unbroken 4 year old straight from the breeder. She couldn't have been more different in temperament, really really hot and hormonal! However she has always given me a buzz like no other but unfortunately due to a field accident we never got to achieve my dreams, she's now a furry muddy field ornament. When she was going through a particularly hormonal time I bought my gelding for a bit of respite!. He never gave me the same buzz as her but he was a superstar as that steady reliable chap who was there when I needed him. My new mare I just clicked with immediately and she gives me the same feeling as my original mare, not a buzz like the loony but just feel completely at home with her so i'd say yes you can find another horse of a lifetime and it doesn't need to be related.

 

[HashRouge]

Yeah he looked happy enough to be there doing the job, just a bit laid back about it all and happy to let AE put in the work. Not unenthusiastic so much as just not on fire, and if he's a bit ignorant to the leg anyway it just gets magnified when you're jumping

From what AE has said, he hasn't actually jumped that much and is (if I'm remembering correctly) only 5. It would be interesting to see what he's like by autumn with a bit more experience.

Either way AE, I don't think you should put pressure on yourself to make a decision now. I think people can get a bit carried away with this idea of a "forever horse" - it can take a while to find a horse you really click with and selling Toby now doesn't guarantee you'd find this horse any sooner. There is no harm in riding him over the summer and giving yourself a bit more time to grieve over Amber's retirement. If you do then decide to sell him, you might be in a better place to accept a new horse and be less inclined to compare them to Amber. Equally, if you are really not enjoying him you shouldn't feel guilty if you decide to sell sooner. But just be aware that some of the way you are feeling is because of Amber, not Toby, so it won't necessarily be better with a different horse (if that makes sense).

ETA my Arab mare, is probably what most people would describe as a forever horse. I've owned her for 20 years (since I was 11) and riding her I had so much fun and so much confidence to go anywhere/ do anything. It's hard to describe! Even now she has been retired for a long time, I have so much fun with her and I love just spending time with her and faffing around at the field. But because she has been retired for a while (about 6/7 years, due to arthritis and me just being too tall for her) I am used to the idea of not riding her, and between working as an SJ groom for a few years and sharing several horses since then I've grown used to the idea that you can get enjoyment from riding most horses, they don't have to be this mythical "forever horse". I just like riding and I feel privileged to be able to do it, especially over the last 12 months.